heftysmurf Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Is it easier if you know you were bad in bed (i do believe I am). Does it make it easier to reconcile even if what the other partner did was horrible?
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I don't think so, no. Because if it was just sex, you are left thinking... "Our relationship was worth LESS than meaningless sex? You risked the relationship for something that was meaningless?" Its not easy to reconcile, either way. If the WS was 'in love' it is hard. If the WS says it was 'just sex' it is still hard.
thrustrebel Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 That is of course your call. Personally I think it's about self-respect. I really miss my ex at the moment but I won't and can't take her back because she cheated on me. She wants me to, but we've had conversations about other exs she had who took her back and she lost her respect for them because they forgave her too easily. But everybody's different. I suppose it comes down to whether you think it'll happen again and/or whether you could live with that (i.e. be in an open relationship). Or get an instruction video and get better ;-)
Author heftysmurf Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Is the only reason I try. If she was not here I would be gone. Did you have children involved?
norajane Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 So instead of telling you, the man she committed to for a lifetime as her partner, how she likes to have sex, and teaching you her hot spots, and sharing with you what she finds erotic and hot, and showing you what turns her on, she turns to another man without even making any effort to make sex good with you? For five years? And that's somehow supposed to feel better than if she was in love with someone else? No, even it was just sex, the insult and the disrespect and the betrayal and the lies and the deception are still real and painful. She must have been having sex with you before you married. If the sex was so bad, she would have noticed it then, right? So why did she marry you? It takes two people to have bad sex. She didn't even try to have good sex with you.
amaysngrace Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 NoraJane sounds right to me. I don't think there is any reason to cheat and anyone who says there is is just looking to justify their actions. She's not accepting responsibility for her actions. That's pretty weak.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I agree with all these other good folks. She's either lying to you or insulting you, one. You've said you're a poor lover. Hey, way to kick a guy when he's down, right? Your self-esteem in that respect is already damaged, but she's going to blame the fact that SHE cheated and lied for damn near the entire length of the marriage squarely on YOU... make it YOUR fault. You MADE her cheat, right.? C'mon, man. Don't do that to yourself. If you've got insecurities and self doubt, go address those issues with a counselor. Don't accept that a proven liar had some sort of right to do you dirt, like you somehow deserved it. You owe yourself more than that, and you owe it to your little girl too. Because even YOU shouldn't mistreat her father. An emotionally strong and healthy Daddy is what she needs. Why not just worry about getting yourself through this for the next couple of weeks? Be good to yourself, pamper yourself a little. Spend some time thinking about what YOU want out of life. Gain some strength. Then, if you still want to fix this thing... you can roll up your sleeves and get to work on it. Maybe by then, you'll be ready to set some boundaries and insist that your WW address her deficits rather than blame-shifting them onto you.
goldfinger991 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 read your last post and... don't do this to yourself, if you were bad or at least not compatible, then you could have talked. this guy was not better than you, it was illicit a bit naughty, that's why she feels it was better. she is dirt, and you need to kick her into touch, she never even gave your marriage a chance, and in reality you never really had a marriage. Find someone better than her, from your last post, this will not be hard. She's the one who has really lost here, not you, I think you have had a lucky escape. rant over
Author heftysmurf Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 That is all I feel like I am about to try. I think she may have had other partners too.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 That is all I feel like I am about to try. I think she may have had other partners too. You need to kick her out and tell her: I suck in bed but the minute you leave I'm gonna find me some girls that are way better than you and work on my technique to use on my new wife! Your dismissed!!! Kick her out! She refuses to accept her role in what happened! That's BS she seems unremorseful and that line of crap should not be tolerated!!! At the end of the day Hefty it's all about self respect. Your daughter will respect you but in the long run she's not gonna respect the fact that you stayed with a remorseless and sociopathic cheater!!!
Bryanp Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 So are you saying you can rationalize that it was acceptable to betray your marriage and put your health at great risk for STD's that could destroy your life because she felt you were not a great lover......Oh please!
LifesontheUp Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Dear God what you wrote just brought back memories for me. When my xH finally admitted that he had an affair and I caught him in a lie about it being sexual, his claim was that I wasn't any good in bed and it was probably cause I never had many partners WTF?! I won't kid you, it knocked my self confidence even lower than what it was and I remember long counselling sessions to deal with it. I'll tell you that your wifes affair has nothing to do with how you are in bed but more about her nasty and spiteful streak coming out cause she has been found out. It takes 2 to make a relationship work and she never told you or showed you what she liked....it wasn't a problem I reckon. She married you so don't listen to her cr**. I'll also tell you that I am now with a really great guy who I love being with and treats me very well. Our sex life is fantastic too and I know that we've had some fun learning together what each likes in the bedroom We also made a fab little guy together and he'll be 6 months next week I've realised that the ex never wanted to learn what I liked and it was all about him. Sounds to me that just like my ex your wife is doing a great blame shifting number on you.
reboot Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Ok, I'm all for keeping marriages together and I'm never shy about saying so here. But this b*~#h needs to be kicked to the curb. Sorry. Raising your daughter in this sort of relationship probably isn't going to turn out well.
michaelk Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 That is all I feel like I am about to try. I think she may have had other partners too. I've been in the position of staying for my children's sake. Be very careful to make sure that the environment you're providing your daughter is the best it can be, given the circumstances. Yes, you owe it to her to make the effort to keep your family together. But if your relationship with your W is too badly damaged, or if you are too badly hurt to continue, then it might be better for your little girl if you split up. She needs to have a positive healthy male influence in her life, and a man who's insecure and beaten down by his W can't provide that. So make sure you take care of yourself - for her sake.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Is it easier if you know you were bad in bed (i do believe I am). Does it make it easier to reconcile even if what the other partner did was horrible? Nope! Is she honestly trying to say she cheated and its your fault.... because your not good in the bedroom department? Good God Man! Why do you see any value in this woman? She would be dirt to me and anyone else here! Listen I dont want to sound harsh... but she is hurting you so bad, and I just see your daughter watching this happen. Do you know what your teaching her! This action demands consequences
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Is it easier if you know you were bad in bed (i do believe I am) I'd like to touch on this. Why do you feel you're bad in bed? Your wife has some serious flaws and deep issues inside her, the things she's done, the lies, betrayal...It's HER, not you. I wish you wouldn't put yourself down, it will only make you feel worse.
reboot Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 If there are things you didn't know about sex, why didn't she teach you? That's what partners are for.
Author heftysmurf Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 One i tend to believe it was only this one OM. She has issues talking with me. She is afraid of my reaction. open you mouth to talk not to suck! I know I am poor in bed. This is true and I know it. I hate to admit I may have some ED. She did not really come up with that but I did. I belive she transffered her horrible home life and as much as I hate it made me her horrible mother. I feel like if I did stick this out for my daughter I should become a male pig and see many women as much as possible. I have not chosen one way or the other. This once again all bowls down to my daughter. I do not blame myself in any of this at all. She needed to talk to me. Any urge I had to cheat I should have. I did have ops but always turned them down. Maybe I should stay and do that? I really do not know.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I do not blame myself in any of this at all. She needed to talk to me. Any urge I had to cheat I should have. I did have ops but always turned them down. Maybe I should stay and do that? I really do not know. That smells like revenge. Revenge wont get you what you need. Your daughter deserves to see a marriage that works. Give her a great example!
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 No, don't stay in the marriage and cheat. That's crap and it's letting your daughter down in other ways. Look, if your wife isn't willing to fix herself, become a better person, a better mom, a better wife, then there's no point in staying. It will mess your daughter up! Honestly, you seem like the loving and stable parent your daughter needs (yes, all kids need their mom's just as much as their dad's) but if your wife isn't capable of being a good mother due to her own personal demons from her childhood and present choices, then you need to step it up and BE the role model for your daughter in every way possible. She has issues talking with me. She is afraid of my reaction. open you mouth to talk not to suck! She's selfish, childish and needs to grow up, BE an adult! Sure it isn't easy to talk about stuff with one's spouse, but it's what couples do, even if it gets hard, even if one is scared of reaction...ya suck it up and deal with it, not shut-up and suck someone else off! WTF!! (Sorry for the mini rant there..) Anyway, don't play your wifes game with the cheating it won't do any good.
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I know I am poor in bed. This is true and I know it. I hate to admit I may have some ED. She did not really come up with that but I did. There could be many reasons why this is happening, off the top of my head, well maybe you knew deep down your wife was up to no good and your gut told you this, and your body reacted. Something in you made you NOT trust her, open yourself up to her that way..
Author heftysmurf Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 1) Run like hell She wronged me to the nth degree She harmed my daughter Their are no justifications Their are other women out their who would love ME. 2) Stay She is a good mother (except) We have some good memories together I think it can work Does she deserve the chance or am I stupid?
reboot Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Does she deserve the chance or am I stupid?Only you can answer that.
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Noone tell you if she deserves another chance or not - But, if her actions are matching her words, in the sense of changing, being a better wife, mother, a better person all around, then yes, give her another chance to prove it to you. With that being said, there has to be rules and boundries set up. A MUST - Her to go to counselling to sort out her personal problems/issues. For MC to continue, NC with the OM. Being an open book 24/7, passwords are known by you, so if you feel like checking up on her, you can anytime. She has to work for this, not just say "I'm sorry, I love you, let's make it better" and then not act the part. SHE has ALOT of legwork to do here.. Another thing, make it CLEAR to her that if her behaviour slips, she cheats again, betrays you, puts you and your daughter last and is selfish again, then she is OUT and the D will happen.
michaelk Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I know I am poor in bed. This is true and I know it. I hate to admit I may have some ED. If you truly have ED, there are things you can do to take care of it. In my case, I had problems about a year ago when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure. Once my BP was under control, the ED went away. In the meantime, my W and I got to have fun with Levitra! See a doctor if you really think you've got ED.
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