How does a MALE feel when he falls in love?

[Citizen Erased]

Not me, darlin_coco. I prefer the tried and true of real love, not the infatuation stage.

 

I didn't say I preferred it, I just miss the whole butterflies in your stomach, the uncertainty. But if I didn't have my boyfriend lying beside me every night or how every night as soon as I see him I run up and give him a hug because I am still so glad to see him after 3 years... well my life wouldn't be that great at all

[Leoni]

I didn't say I preferred it, I just miss the whole butterflies in your stomach, the uncertainty. But if I didn't have my boyfriend lying beside me every night or how every night as soon as I see him I run up and give him a hug because I am still so glad to see him after 3 years... well my life wouldn't be that great at all

Consistency and certainty trumps butterflies for me any day. Mature love is so much more meaningful.

[corazoncito]

Well, she is a little shy or quiet. I don't feel like my social life will become more dynamic because of her, meaning she is comfortable sitting at home alone, and I like women who take classes, play sports, even if they are in a relationship and don't have much time, because that means they will likely include me in those activities every now and then which makes my life more dynamic.

 

When I am with her I have a great time, but it is hard for me to connect on the phone. I don't know if that is partly cultural, or if it is because she is more shy and quiet. The thing is, I used to be shy or quiet, and I am not anymore. For my job, I work pretty much alone, interacting with people maybe 1/2 hour once a week. Therefore, I crave a dynamic, active lifestyle outside of work and want a relationship that allows that part of me to continue to grow. I think that is the biggest part. A couple years ago, when I was shy, I would have killed to have a girl like her, but now it almost feels like I will revert to the person I used to be, someone I did not like, and quite honestly I crave human contact. I'm not sure that with her, my social life will grow and become more dynamic. I have a feeling it could get domesticated really quick.

 

I'm not sure if she supports or understands how important it is for me to have 3 passions outside of work, going on weekend trips or playing sports, etc, or the reasons why.

 

On the other hand, I am very attracted to her education, her job, her independence, her support of her family, her affection. She is incredible.

 

I was really struck by your post Oppath because this sounds eerily like the way my fiance described his last relationship before us. He hadn't had a serious relationship in years, mostly because he just wasn't willing to let it happen. He decided to give it a try with this woman who he very much liked and respected. They had the same introvert/extrovert difference. He never felt "in love" with her (butterflies and infatuation) but kept trying to make it work because he felt she met all of his intellectual criteria for a caring, interesting, and responsible wife and mother. He felt that those factors were more mature and important in the long-run and that he was being unrealistic and petty for wanting fireworks.

 

In the end he realized that while those qualities are important the fireworks really were important for him too. He says he regrets that he waited so long to end things (2 years) because she was VERY hurt in the end. He knew within the first 6 months that his feelings would never deepen, but never told her and she became very attached.

 

I think that if you have to wonder if you are in love, you're probably not.

[Trialbyfire]

I think that if you have to wonder if you are in love, you're probably not.

Oh so true...

[Citizen Erased]

Consistency and certainty trumps butterflies for me any day. Mature love is so much more meaningful.

 

Okay then

[shadowplay]

Oppath, I read your post about the girl's shyness, and it leads me to believe you may be seeking out the wrong thing in a gf. I think when somebody looks for a mate to improve their social life it's usually a sign of insecurity. You shouldn't be looking for somebody to enhance what you lack. You say you're no longer shy, but I suspect that you don't feel completely fufilled socially or you haven't yet completely become the outgoing person you want to be. If you had a full social life and real confidence, you probably wouldn't desire an outgoing partner who could make your life more dynamic. Your gf may be shy, but it sounds like she's probably an interesting person beneath the surface. Take pleasure in unraveling those layers of her personality and getting to really know her. In the end connecting with an interesting person will give you more satisfaction than being with somebody who goes kayaaking on the weekends but may not have much beneath the surface.

[norajane]

Oppath, I read your post about the girl's shyness, and it leads me to believe you may be seeking out the wrong thing in a gf. I think when somebody looks for a mate to improve their social life it's usually a sign of insecurity. You shouldn't be looking for somebody to enhance what you lack. You say you're no longer shy, but I suspect that you don't feel completely fufilled socially or you haven't yet completely become the outgoing person you want to be. If you had a full social life and real confidence, you probably wouldn't desire an outgoing partner who could make your life more dynamic. Your gf may be shy, but it sounds like she's probably an interesting person beneath the surface. Take pleasure in unraveling those layers of her personality and getting to really know her. In the end connecting with an interesting person will give you more satisfaction than being with somebody who goes kayaaking on the weekends but may not have much beneath the surface.

 

I agree - you're looking for a gf who will expand your social circle?? Dude, expand your OWN social circle. You start playing sports, and taking classes, and whatever! Because what happens if you break up if all your friends are her friends...you LOSE them ALL.

 

And Oppath, there is no reason YOU can't introduce HER to YOUR favorite sports or classes or museums, etc. And, perhaps, there are new things you can discover together.

[oppath]

I don't want her to expand my social life, I don't want to limit mine. I do want someone who has passions in her life. I can honestly say I do not know what this woman is passionate about. Can she share in my passions? She has been invited and not accepted, yet. That would be fine...except she doesn't seem to understand my desire.

 

My social life is large and vast and I am busy every night of the week with some activity. The dichotomy is that she is not like that. I am fine spending less time on my hobbies or including her. The problem is that SHE does not have a similar lifestyle, and there have been times I've been made to feel guilty over things. I would gladly spend less time to spend more time with a woman, but I want my life to feel dynamic, not domesticated.

[Trialbyfire]

I would gladly spend less time to spend more time with a woman, but I want my life to feel dynamic, not domesticated.

You know you're resisting falling for her.

[norajane]

I don't want her to expand my social life, I don't want to limit mine. I do want someone who has passions in her life. I can honestly say I do not know what this woman is passionate about. Can she share in my passions? She has been invited and not accepted, yet. That would be fine...except she doesn't seem to understand my desire.

 

My social life is large and vast and I am busy every night of the week with some activity. The dichotomy is that she is not like that. I am fine spending less time on my hobbies or including her. The problem is that SHE does not have a similar lifestyle, and there have been times I've been made to feel guilty over things. I would gladly spend less time to spend more time with a woman, but I want my life to feel dynamic, not domesticated.

 

Then, she's not right for you, is she?

 

Or is it that no woman would be, if it required that you give up some of your activity time for alone time with her?

[oppath]

Then, she's not right for you, is she?

 

Or is it that no woman would be, if it required that you give up some of your activity time for alone time with her?

 

that is what I am trying to decide. I don't feel any fireworks when I first kiss her, but I feel devotion, attraction, affection, comfort, security.

 

And if I live my social life, other women enter, and I can't help but compare. Normally at this stage I wouldn't think that at all. It's not typical. But I've never had some of her traits either, and I don't know if I've focused on the wrong ones in the past. I do want a LTR, but if other women catch my eye, how could they possibly catch my eye? I feel like I would be choosing a stable relationship over the woman, and that insults her. I don't like feeling that way.

 

I do not know if it means she is not right for me or if I'm just scared of getting close. I don't know.

 

And NoraJane, I want to give up activity time for a girl. That is the point: I want to include a girl in those activities or her have things she is passionate about that she will include me in. That doesn't mean FRIENDS, it means PASSIONS. It means: how will she enrich my life other than be a supportive gf? I do want more, I want someone who challenges me and makes me feel alive.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

I can't tell you how it feels to fall in love, Oppath, because I am not a man but a woman.

 

However, with that put aside, from what you have posted thus far, there is one thing that has caught my eye: Reason.

 

The way you inject and thought-provoke yourself with endless reasons so as to create a strong enough shield/barrier allowing your mind to gloriously become victorious over your heart at the cost of not giving her the benefit of a future relationship.

 

I have a question: Do you care about her? and What caused you to develop feelings for her? What were the origins?

 

Falling in love is a gradual process, that starts from caring about the other person. At what point you tell yourself that things will not work out, well, that is something only you and time can decipher.

 

Sand&Water

[oppath]

Quite honestly, I've felt stronger connections with other women, but it has not worked out. I don't feel a super strong connection with her, I feel a comfortable connection. the question is: is that enough if you feel there is devotion and affection and respect and honesty and good sex, when other women enter my life who I see have a passion that I connect with?

 

 

Again, it would be insulting to her to commit out of comfort, not out of a connection. The issue is whether I'm finding reasons not to commit and take a risk, or if it just isn't there. How do you know? I have felt much stronger connections with women and it has not lasted more than 4-5 months. How imporant is that connection vs. security and comfort and trust and respect?

[squeak]

Oppath, while I cannot to profess to know what is best for you, from where I am sitting you sound like someone who may be experiencing dating burn out.

 

I define that as when the parameters become smaller and smaller, the nitpicking becomes defined with crystal clear clarity with every subsequent go over, until nothing is left except the feeling that the next one will be hopefully be better. But they never are. It is always something off. And then the circle continues.

[squeak]

I have felt much stronger connections with women and it has not lasted more than 4-5 months. How imporant is that connection vs. security and comfort and trust and respect?

 

So the stronger connections lasted only 4-5 months?

So why not try the security/comfort connection to see how that goes?

[shadowplay]

that is what I am trying to decide. I don't feel any fireworks when I first kiss her, but I feel devotion, attraction, affection, comfort, security.

 

And if I live my social life, other women enter, and I can't help but compare. Normally at this stage I wouldn't think that at all. It's not typical. But I've never had some of her traits either, and I don't know if I've focused on the wrong ones in the past. I do want a LTR, but if other women catch my eye, how could they possibly catch my eye? I feel like I would be choosing a stable relationship over the woman, and that insults her. I don't like feeling that way.

 

I do not know if it means she is not right for me or if I'm just scared of getting close. I don't know.

 

And NoraJane, I want to give up activity time for a girl. That is the point: I want to include a girl in those activities or her have things she is passionate about that she will include me in. That doesn't mean FRIENDS, it means PASSIONS. It means: how will she enrich my life other than be a supportive gf? I do want more, I want someone who challenges me and makes me feel alive.

 

Could you define challenge? Also when you say you want somebody who makes you feel alive I get the same sense as before that you're looking for somebody who will make up for some deficiency (you feel) you have. Perhaps I'm misunderstanding you, but that's the definite vibe I get. And I don't understand the thing about noticing other women. No matter who you're with, you'll occasionally meet and notice other women.

[shadowplay]

One more thing. Do you think perhaps you value her less on some level because she's shy and perhaps a bit insecure? Like on some level you feel like if she was an amazing person she'd have more confidence and be more outgoing? I suspect this is the underlying cause of all this, even if you have trouble admitting it to yourself.

[oppath]

Challenge is someone who introduces me to new things that I can share with her, challenge is someone who makes me think about abstract things and we have deep conversations, challenge is someone who make me want to better myself.

 

I need someone who makes my life dynamic? Is that fair? Probably not. I am finishing my PhD, but honestly, I talk to someone at most 20 minutes every 2 weeks at work. that is it. There rest of my time is ALL alone. I live alone. That does not fit my personality and sadly, there is no way to change it. So damn straight, I have a deficiency in my life. I fill my life with activities, so many that most people say "you do more than anyone I know." My life is damn empty despite me spending efforts to fill it. If I commit to her, I feel like it won't be full.

 

Also complicating things is that I must move for my career in 16-18 months. I'm not sure if that is something she would find adventurous. Therefore, I'm inclined towards a more adventurous woman. I'd rather be single and date around of find someone who would think "that would be cool" than someone who would think "that would be lonely." Staying in my current city is not an option.

[shadowplay]

Challenge is someone who introduces me to new things that I can share with her, challenge is someone who makes me think about abstract things and we have deep conversations, challenge is someone who make me want to better myself.

 

I need someone who makes my life dynamic? Is that fair? Probably not. I am finishing my PhD, but honestly, I talk to someone at most 20 minutes every 2 weeks at work. that is it. There rest of my time is ALL alone. I live alone. That does not fit my personality and sadly, there is no way to change it. So damn straight, I have a deficiency in my life. I fill my life with activities, so many that most people say "you do more than anyone I know." My life is damn empty despite me spending efforts to fill it. If I commit to her, I feel like it won't be full.

 

Also complicating things is that I must move for my career in 16-18 months. I'm not sure if that is something she would find adventurous. Therefore, I'm inclined towards a more adventurous woman. I'd rather be single and date around of find someone who would think "that would be cool" than someone who would think "that would be lonely." Staying in my current city is not an option.

 

Ah, ok...you revealed a few new things in this post. So you don't find conversations with her intellectually stimulating. That could be a problem. Is she simply not that intelligent or reflective?

 

The thing about being alone. Is your problem a lack of friends? So you're doing all these activities but not interacting with people while doing them? If so, then I think you're transferring a problem in your own life onto her. No person can fill that void, no matter how dynamic their life is. In fact it's unhealthy to rely on another person to bring that into your life because once the relationship ends it will be a huge loss. You need to solve that on your own.

[oppath]

I interact with people immensely. All I do is interact with others. I am very outgoing and social. When I do activities, it is so I can interact, and I do. I am very involved.

 

she is very intelligent and I am quite attracted to her education/idea, but no, I don't find our conversations particularly stimulating. I feel it is because she is shy and does not share.

 

when I imagine the perfect date, it would be talking. Just talking. And the woman talking passionately about something, and me being able to sense the passion from her lips. I struggle to get that from her.

 

In fairness, she's had a rough life. Born in Vietnam, moved here when she was 10 after she witness her parents killed, raised by her aunt who died in highschool, and she has alluded to having been sexually abused as a kid.

 

I understand those things and their impact on her, though I could never really understand. Nonetheless, it is difficult to sometimes connect with her. We can't be more intimate. But that is not what a connection means. I connect with everyone: they all think "this is a social and great guy." It is easy to say "I connect with you" to just about anyone given my personality. But for me, a connection is a lot more. For me to connect, they need to give me insight into the universe or myself in some way. I guess that is idealistic.

[shadowplay]

I interact with people immensely. All I do is interact with others. I am very outgoing and social. When I do activities, it is so I can interact, and I do. I am very involved.

 

she is very intelligent and I am quite attracted to her education/idea, but no, I don't find our conversations particularly stimulating. I feel it is because she is shy and does not share.

 

when I imagine the perfect date, it would be talking. Just talking. And the woman talking passionately about something, and me being able to sense the passion from her lips. I struggle to get that from her.

 

In fairness, she's had a rough life. Born in Vietnam, moved here when she was 10 after she witness her parents killed, raised by her aunt who died in highschool, and she has alluded to having been sexually abused as a kid.

 

I understand those things and their impact on her, though I could never really understand. Nonetheless, it is difficult to sometimes connect with her. We can't be more intimate. But that is not what a connection means. I connect with everyone: they all think "this is a social and great guy." It is easy to say "I connect with you" to just about anyone given my personality. But for me, a connection is a lot more. For me to connect, they need to give me insight into the universe or myself in some way. I guess that is idealistic.

 

You say you're interacting with people all the time but you also say "I talk to someone at most 20 minutes every 2 weeks at work." So what's going on? Do you have a lot of aquaintances but no deep friendships?

[oppath]

I am a graduate student. Are there people at work? yes. But I don't need to interat with them AT ALL for work purposes. It is the nature of my particular project and I have bad project management. I have asked my adsivor for better management, more meetings, etc, but it does not happen.

 

Sure, I could meet people for lunch, but to be honest, I have found that I have little in common with most of the students in my program -- though not other programs --- aside from we are in the same program. I am not a shy nerd. And I don't mean nerd as an insult. Most people who meet me, would never peg me to have my intellectual interests. There is a big disconnect between me and most of the other students. Hell, it's hard to get them to go grab a beer after work on a thursday night. It is hard to get them to play flag football. I've tried to connect. I've made efforts. For the most part, I've had nothing in common. And aside from lunch, no, I don't need to talk to anyone at work at all. I work in a vacuum. I dislike it.

 

It's the fact that if I didn't make the efforts, I could literally go 2 weeks and never talk to a person at work that bothers me. That is not a healthy work environment, and certainly not managed well.

[shadowplay]

I am a graduate student. Are there people at work? yes. But I don't need to interat with them AT ALL for work purposes. It is the nature of my particular project and I have bad project management. I have asked my adsivor for better management, more meetings, etc, but it does not happen.

 

Sure, I could meet people for lunch, but to be honest, I have found that I have little in common with most of the students in my program -- though not other programs --- aside from we are in the same program. I am not a shy nerd. And I don't mean nerd as an insult. Most people who meet me, would never peg me to have my intellectual interests. There is a big disconnect between me and most of the other students. Hell, it's hard to get them to go grab a beer after work on a thursday night. It is hard to get them to play flag football. I've tried to connect. I've made efforts. For the most part, I've had nothing in common. And aside from lunch, no, I don't need to talk to anyone at work at all. I work in a vacuum. I dislike it.

 

It's the fact that if I didn't make the efforts, I could literally go 2 weeks and never talk to a person at work that bothers me. That is not a healthy work environment, and certainly not managed well.

 

Ok, I think I misread you. So you have friends, just not ones where you work.

 

I'm not sure what advice to give you about the girl. I think there's a good possibility that ifyou stay with her your feelings will deepen (how long have you two been together). But there's also a possibility they won't and you'll end up leading her on and hurting her a lot. Perhaps it is best to let her in on what's going on. Say you feel conflicted because you really care about her and think she's amazing but you don't feel that "spark." She'll want a reason for this, so explain that you think it's because of personality/lifestyle differences, which is true. That way she'll have some warning if things don't work out and she can exit the relationship if she so chooses. If I was with a guy who felt that way about me that's what I would want him to do. Honesty is usually the best policy.

[White Flower]

I feel like I am growing to love someone, not falling. Since I've never had a long term relationship, and I am nearing 28, and I have dated LOTS, I question whether devotion, affection, honesty, and other traits are more important than feeling like I too am being swept off my feet.

 

I know with women, falling in love involves unicorns with gumdrop smiles that give high fives that cure cancer. What does it feel like for a man?

 

I know the standard answers are "you just know" and if you don't know, then you know. I do feel men in long term relationships often feel a bit more reserved initially then women, though that is also a big generalization that I may deserve to be reamed out for.

 

But for a man, what does it feel like? Since the times I felt like I was falling in love did not work out, my longest relationship only lasting 6 months, even if the girl said she was in love with me, I question whether if I've placed too big an emphasis on me too wanting to be swept of my feet, if only a little. Can you fall in love if you don't really go through the infatuation stage? Or is love just growing to care for someone, even if you genuinely miss them? I feel like I have missed the infatuation stage alltogether, possibly due to some drama on her end, but I care deeply, I just don't feel any "oh my god" feelings and feel like commiting is a choice, whereas with other women it wasn't even an option, it was obvious.

I thought the unicorn statement was cute:)

 

Ask yourself these questions:

 

1) Do you just want to run your fingers through her hair? It sounds silly, but it means you just can't get enough of her.

 

2) Do you want this woman to have your baby?

 

3) Do you look each other in the eyes for long periods of time without needing to speak? This means you are really into each other and don't always need to fill the spaces with empty chatter.

 

BTW, never had this with my H. That is why I have a MM.

 

And I think it is awesome that you are out there asking questions.:laugh:Good luck.

[Timberlane]

Love is definitely a choice. But once the choice to allow yourself to start connecting emotionally with someone is made, it becomes less and less under your control. That's both a blessing and a curse. I started the path with someone recently and so did she. We were both doing the same things, for when we saw each other it really felt mutual. We would bump into each other in a crowd and just look into the other's eyes for what seemed like minutes. I felt this sort of tightness in my chest when I thought about her. Still do. Ha. It's kind of a nice pain. So now I'm left adoring her and unable to do anything about it due to circumstances. I have to say, I don't regret starting things. Just those few moments were worth it. It had been years since I felt that way about someone.