oppath Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I feel like I am growing to love someone, not falling. Since I've never had a long term relationship, and I am nearing 28, and I have dated LOTS, I question whether devotion, affection, honesty, and other traits are more important than feeling like I too am being swept off my feet. I know with women, falling in love involves unicorns with gumdrop smiles that give high fives that cure cancer. What does it feel like for a man? I know the standard answers are "you just know" and if you don't know, then you know. I do feel men in long term relationships often feel a bit more reserved initially then women, though that is also a big generalization that I may deserve to be reamed out for. But for a man, what does it feel like? Since the times I felt like I was falling in love did not work out, my longest relationship only lasting 6 months, even if the girl said she was in love with me, I question whether if I've placed too big an emphasis on me too wanting to be swept of my feet, if only a little. Can you fall in love if you don't really go through the infatuation stage? Or is love just growing to care for someone, even if you genuinely miss them? I feel like I have missed the infatuation stage alltogether, possibly due to some drama on her end, but I care deeply, I just don't feel any "oh my god" feelings and feel like commiting is a choice, whereas with other women it wasn't even an option, it was obvious.
Citizen Erased Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I know with women, falling in love involves unicorns with gumdrop smiles that give high fives that cure cancer. Right...
Poboy Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 well falling in love is different for different people because of how much they fall in love and what love means to them. how long are you in this current relationship. i can tell u this , when I was in love ... i was totally into her physically & emotionally right from the beginning till the end of the relationship ( 2 years ). I feel like I have missed the infatuation stage alltogether, possibly due to some drama on her end, but I care deeply, I just don't feel any "oh my god" feelings and feel like commiting is a choice well oppath , i don't think anyone can answer if you are in love with this person other than you or not but i ill say this , i felt all those things and many more during different times of the relationship when i was in love. there are rough times but its when you realize this person is someone you can spend the rest of your life with , you know you are in love. this comes only if you have spent a good enough time in the relationship & in the end .yes ... you just know if the person is the one or not.
Sean0775 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 There is a huge difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone. IN is the biggest word in the world. When you're in love with someone, you're willing to go through the hard times no matter what they are. The lady who told me this has a husband with 2 amputated legs, diabetes, and countless other health problems. She works 2 jobs, gets no help from the government, and still keeps on going. That is what it means to be IN love. It's easy to love someone, but to be IN love with someone is much more complex, and chances are, you won't even know it yourself for a very long time.
cj1988 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 My H said that he knew he was in love with me (this was years ago) when he held me in his arms and knew he could not live without me in his life. He said his thoughts and heart as well as physical connection to me consumed him. Of course when it is JUST lust, the infatuation out ways the real fellings of love. Love is not a feeling it is a choice !
The Loacker Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Can't help you there dude, but my opinion about it is that it's not important whether or not what you're feeling is love, so long as you like it and you want to spend more time with this girl. Usually that means you're in love with someone, but not always. If you're really looking for that "oh my god" moments, and you're not getting them here, then you need to look elsewhere. It's all about what you want; if you can't get it in one relationship, then you just have to move on.
Author oppath Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 I miss her, I look forward to seeing her, I can communicate with her, we laugh, the sex is incredible....but explosions in the sky doesn't play the theme music when we kiss and I don't feel fireworks like I've felt with other women. There isn't a more fine woman, and it could be a good relationship, but I don't know if it could be an amazing relationship. But since I've never had a long term relationship, I just don't know if I need to look for other traits and feelings. For me, generally what I feel is love starts to distinguish itself from lust and infatuation around 3 months. The infatuation has not been there. That does not mean I don't miss her or look forward to seeing her, it just means I don't do a little dance in the shower and give myself a high five in the mirror when I am done shaving like I have with past women. I want that kind of excitement but I question how important it is considering when I've had it, it has not lasted long, though in all fairness, there has always been issues like an ex proposing to her or her just ending a 2 year relationship and not wanting to commit after several months of dating, etc. I've made some poor choices because I felt "I could fall IN love with this person." Now I feel like I could grow to love, and I feel it could be a good relationship, but I don't know if it could be great, because the fireworks have not been there. It's been warm, but not explosive; too explosive is bad, especially right away, but there should be some fireworks, right?
Author oppath Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 I feel scared sh*tless... I've felt this way in past relationships but this one is different. In this one I feel scared ****less, but I moreso feel scared ****less that something is lacking (completely unidentifiable), so I'm scared to commit. In other relationships I was not scared to commit, that part was easy, but I was scared out of my mind regarding my feelings. Right... I was teasing with the unicorn comment, but I believe love is more grounded than the romantic fairy tale, so I don't want someone saying things like "it's like walking on water".
squeak Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 This is too vague Oppath, you are giving reasons without the causes-did anything happen to cause these uncertainties or are these just random feelings that won't go away? It does not sound like a good start, honestly. No one can say you should feel a certain way, but the way you are describing, especially if not usual for you-does not sound promising. Unless you have a habit of being committed to unreliables or non love returners, and this girl is different?
cj1988 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Again, my H tells me he is more in love with me now that the infatuation is over, He knows that he wanted to be with me and it was not jus lust ! Love is not explosions when you kiss, it is a feeling or caring and wanting to be around that person just to be near them.....fun, laughing, communicating. My grandmother always told me when you marry or commit to someone maker sure it is not for sex or looks, it should be because you get along and you LIKE each other and can talk. At the end of the day when you are old and your looks and the sex is gone whatelse do you have? If you cannot talk and have fun and really LIKE the person you are with, it will not last. She died this year at 98 and was married 77 years to the same man !
shadowplay Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Oppath -- is this the same woman who was semi LD that you broke up with recently? Assuming this is a new/different relationship, don't you think it's a bit early to be feeling "in love"?
underpants Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 My experience is that the guy does get scared and then begins an unconscious process of sabatoging the entire relationship so that the cycle may begin anew with someone else. As for the unicorn and gumdrop idea, well, you are in CA so maybe that theory holds for la la land? Maybe I am not a unicorn and gumdrop kind of girl. I think love is a choice. Especially moreso as you get older and find yourself still single. I find myself contemplating whether or not I can really care about someone for and despite some of their shown character aspects. Usually after several months of dating. Then I make the choice to breathe and accept that I do care for them and accept that they do care for me. Then unfortunately I can almost mark my calendar for two weeks until I am dumped. Ain't love grand.
shadowplay Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 My experience is that the guy does get scared and then begins an unconscious process of sabatoging the entire relationship so that the cycle may begin anew with someone else. As for the unicorn and gumdrop idea, well, you are in CA so maybe that theory holds for la la land? Maybe I am not a unicorn and gumdrop kind of girl. I think love is a choice. Especially moreso as you get older and find yourself still single. I find myself contemplating whether or not I can really care about someone for and despite some of their shown character aspects. Usually after several months of dating. Then I make the choice to breathe and accept that I do care for them and accept that they do care for me. Then unfortunately I can almost mark my calendar for two weeks until I am dumped. Sad but usually true. why is it that women don't do this to men nearly as much as the reverse?
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Oppath - my thoughts; you are infatuated with this individual because she makes you feel good. It's a wonderful place to be in, but it doesn't seem like love me. Not yet, at least. Give it more time to see where it goes.
Author oppath Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 This is not the girl who I broke up with, this is a woman who has broken up with me, twice. Once via IM because she was confused because of her ex, then she showed up two nights later at my house and we're back on. Then again via phone a couple weeks later. Maybe I jumped the gun on that one -- I wanted to work things out -- but she led with "I'm not sure we are right for each other" so I went along and agreed when really, I did not know. I wanted to meet up so we could talk things out face to face, she didn't want that, to her, "it is easier this way." I told her I don't like to talk about things on the phone unless it is the only option; she didn't want to see me. Since she led with "I'm not sure we are right for each other" I was thinking "if you can't even meet me face to face to talk about this, then we are not right for each other. I wanted to meet and you told me no." A week or so later, We end up hanging out and talkingn about things a bit, but I felt we left it at "we can offer more as friends right now," she kissed me, I take responsibility for kissing her back and not clarifying things, and we are right back in it. I take responsibliity. Now I am right back in it. I feel comfortable; I feel secure. I just don't feel crazy about her. With past girlfriends, around the 3 month mark, love would start to differentiate itself from lust and infatuation, but around 6 weeks in I would think "I'm really crazy about this person." I wouldn't say that to those women, but I would feel it. And I don't feel infatuation with her. That is the problem. I do not. I miss her. I look forward to talking to her. I like spending time with her and am incredibly attracted to her physically, but I am not infatuated with her. Shouldn't I feel some infatuation? That is where the confusion sets in. Since I've never had a long term relationship, I don't know if I should re-evaluate the traits and feelings to look for. But it scares me to commit to someone when I don't feel "oh my god, this person is amazing. Is this happening?" I NEVER feel those things the first 2 months, let's say, but usually from 2-4 they emerge. Those feelings are not emerging. Instead, it is comfort, and I feel like if I commit, I am commiting just so I can experience a good, long term relationship rather than commiting to someone because I feel "oh my god this woman is awesome. I am lucky." Now, I am lucky, she is an incredible woman, but for some reason: I don't want to get close. I don't know if that is just me being scared, or if it means something is not there. I do know that the initial drama with her ex and subsequent withdrawal, only for her to come back into my life, was very difficult on me. I was prepared to commit to her and wanted her to be my girlfriend, but since then, it's messed me up. Giving it more time actually negatively impacts my social life for reasons too long to explain. I'm trying to get in to see my therapist to discuss this, but I don't think I can for a week. Examples of incompatibility that make me withdraw and scared are that she needs to start planning her vacation, letting her work know the dates well in advance (1/2 year). She's asked me to go with her. I can't commit to something 6 months from now. If I say "we haven't been together long enough for me to make that commitment, I don't believe in committing to a trip or anything financial in advance unless you've been together for at least as long as that time commitment." She will get mad at me if I said that and all that does is create more distance. How can I commit to something 6 months from now when she has ended it with me twice in the last 6 weeks, only to come back? If we had been together a year, I wouldn't feel comfortable commiting to a vacation 6 months in advance. Yet at 3 months of dating, 4 of talking, she will get upset at me if I politely tell her no. Not disappointed, upset, and I have no doubts she would punish me in some way. All that does is push me away.
shadowplay Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Is there ANYTHING else about her aside from the drama you mentioned that might be preventing you from having stronger feelings? I get the sense there is something more, but you haven't completely become conscious of what it is or you don't want to believe that's the reason. I think if you dig deep you'll find there's something about her you find lacking whether it is looks, personality, whatever. When I've been in a situation like yours that has usually been the case. Try to identify what that might be.
Kamille Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Examples of incompatibility that make me withdraw and scared are that she needs to start planning her vacation, letting her work know the dates well in advance (1/2 year). She's asked me to go with her. I can't commit to something 6 months from now. If I say "we haven't been together long enough for me to make that commitment, I don't believe in committing to a trip or anything financial in advance unless you've been together for at least as long as that time commitment." She will get mad at me if I said that and all that does is create more distance. How can I commit to something 6 months from now when she has ended it with me twice in the last 6 weeks, only to come back? If we had been together a year, I wouldn't feel comfortable commiting to a vacation 6 months in advance. Yet at 3 months of dating, 4 of talking, she will get upset at me if I politely tell her no. Not disappointed, upset, and I have no doubts she would punish me in some way. All that does is push me away. Well, Yikes... I don't blame you for feeling ambivalent if a discussion like this would upset her. But, still, I think this is besides the point since your question is whether or not you are falling in love. I wonder why you feel the need to define your feelings right now? 6 weeks isn't a long time, so really why worry about it now? Why not just accept that this is how you feel right now and that you also don't know how your feelings will evolve? I personally have always experienced the infatuation thrills before starting an R but a friend reports he dated a girl for a year before falling in love with her. Why not try to not worry about it and just enjoy things as they are right now?
Author oppath Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Well, she is a little shy or quiet. I don't feel like my social life will become more dynamic because of her, meaning she is comfortable sitting at home alone, and I like women who take classes, play sports, even if they are in a relationship and don't have much time, because that means they will likely include me in those activities every now and then which makes my life more dynamic. When I am with her I have a great time, but it is hard for me to connect on the phone. I don't know if that is partly cultural, or if it is because she is more shy and quiet. The thing is, I used to be shy or quiet, and I am not anymore. For my job, I work pretty much alone, interacting with people maybe 1/2 hour once a week. Therefore, I crave a dynamic, active lifestyle outside of work and want a relationship that allows that part of me to continue to grow. I think that is the biggest part. A couple years ago, when I was shy, I would have killed to have a girl like her, but now it almost feels like I will revert to the person I used to be, someone I did not like, and quite honestly I crave human contact. I'm not sure that with her, my social life will grow and become more dynamic. I have a feeling it could get domesticated really quick. I'm not sure if she supports or understands how important it is for me to have 3 passions outside of work, going on weekend trips or playing sports, etc, or the reasons why. On the other hand, I am very attracted to her education, her job, her independence, her support of her family, her affection. She is incredible.
someone2 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 If you wake up at 2:00AM for no reason, and the first thing that jumps to mind is her (in a good way), you probably love her. If you sit alone, and you get that feeling that she is now laughing and smiling to other people, and you are not getting your share of all those heavenly smiles and laughs, you probably love her If your heart misses a beat when you accidently run into her in a place you didn't expect to see her, you probably love her Well... umm... sorry... I was just reading a nice romantic novel over the past few days
nicki Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 If her dreams and desires for happiness become as important (or more important) than your own dreams and desires, and you would do anything to make those things happen for her, then you love her. If she's always in your visions of the future, then you love her. If you see her without make up, in sweats with her hair all messed up and you think she is the most beautiful woman in the world, then you love her. If she's the first thing you think of in the morning, and the last thing you think of at night, then you love her. If you stop feeling afraid, and suddenly think you love her, well, then you love her.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I'm not sure if she supports or understands how important it is for me to have 3 passions outside of work, going on weekend trips or playing sports, etc, or the reasons why. On the other hand, I am very attracted to her education, her job, her independence, her support of her family, her affection. She is incredible. Oppath, When you look at her and truely see her. Not just the good things, but her flaws also... you accept those flaws, even love them. When you can hand her your heart and trust her not to crush it... your on the path. When you know that you can choose her, and only her every day for the rest of your life... thats love for a man.
underpants Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Cobra, Stop messing with my theory. He is right Oppath, dang it.
Citizen Erased Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 *sighs* I miss the feeling of having just fell in love
Leoni Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Not me, darlin_coco. I prefer the tried and true of real love, not the infatuation stage.
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