Is husband sincere??

[LISAROD00]

My husband and I have been married for close to 4 years now and we have a 20 month old daughter that we both adore. Here is my issue. I have recently found out that he's been having an emotional relationship with another woman. But the relationship wasn't very long, he met her at a bar on wednesday and by the following friday her husband (she was married but was leaving her husband anyway) contacted me and told me about it. So, it lasted about a week and a half. Her husband was able to read and copy and send me the emails that were going back and forth between them and they were pretty general in nature, telling about themselves and such..there were a few though where they were calling each other babe, how they wished they were together, how they couldn't wait to see each other, how he was looking out at the stars and wishing she was there....stuff like that.

 

However, right and I mean right before that...I found out that my husband was hanging out with another woman at work, going to dinners and drinks, sometimes alone, sometimes together. She was "happily" married at the time and they both denied that there was anything romantic between them. However, they were previous lovers 5 years before. I guess before I go on, my husband is in the Navy and is currently out to sea, he's been gone for about 4 weeks and should be home in 2 more. This is the first time we've ever really been apart. Anyway, this girl that is "happily" married and my husband both lied to their respective spouses about spending the time together. My husband said it was because he was worried I was going to get mad and that there was nothing going on between them, other than friends. However, this girl didn't tell her husband either (he contacted me), but I didn't ask why. But when I talked to her, she lied to me too and didn't tell me about the time spent alone, which they both claim was a quick lunch at the navy exchange. Anyway, she did tell me that they always talked about me, how much he loves me, the baby, etc... This girl is no longer on his ship and has left the navy. She left the same Wednesday that he met new girl. And I know that they aren't talking anymore.

 

But he met this new girl that night and started this new "friendship" Anyway, he swears to me that he is no longer talking or emailing new girl. Her husband has confirmed that and my husband sent me a email that he sent to new girl apologizing for involving her and that he really does love me and that if she could, she should try to work it out with her husband. He then sent me the email that she wrote him back saying that she understood and that if he ever needed a friend she's there.

 

My H told me that he doesn't know why he did what he did, but that the responsibilites of work, baby, marriage, bills, pretty much life overwhelmed him and he was just looking for someone to talk to. And he said that he felt that I didn't love him anymore because all I did was complain about what he hasn't done. And that he was scared to tell me how he really was feeling (about not feeling wanted or loved) because he was scared that I would get mad or just blow him off as being rediculous. Now, I admit, we weren't exactly in marriage heaven. We had been fighting alot and I felt like he was being extremely needy. So I guess, I kinda told him to get over it. But I was overwhelmed as well with working full time and caring for the baby all by myself. and then when he was home, it didn't seem like he helped me that much. Gym time was more important than helping me with the baby.

 

Anyway, I guess my delima is what do I do?? He swears he's going to change and he's going to counseling for himself but he wants to go together too. He sends me emails everyday about how much he loves me and doesn't want to loose me or our daughter and that he'll do anything it takes to keep our family together. He has lied to me in the past though too, but stupid ones. Like he was talking to his ex when I was pregnant, but when i saw the emails, he was talking to her about his dad (he was in the hospital and wanted her to know cause she was a close family friend and his mom needed help, we live in another state). Anyway, it was a stupid thing to lie about..those were harmless. But he said he was scared I was going to get mad. I explained to him that lying to me probably didn't help his situation.

 

Anyway, I do love him with all my heart, and I know that he has never has been physical with any one else, but should I give this another chance and if I do, what are the odds that we'll be happy?? I guess i'm just confused. Another note, he's 26 and i'm 35 and normally, our age difference has never been an issue. But these girls that have come up are both 23. So I feel like maybe he thinks now he's too young to have these responsibilities and could be out partying it up like other people his age. I've given him an out and told him that if he felt like that, then it was perfectly normal and understandable and that we'd work out custody and we would remain friends. But he said he didn't want that. Oh i'm just confused. any help???

[LakesideDream]

Call me an old "fuddy-duddy" 'cause I do think that the age difference is working against you as a couple. In my experiance (decades ago) at 26 I was really about 22 years old "emotionally". Having spent four years in the Marine Corp, (where romantic emotions are not exactly encouraged) I was pretty immature.

 

At thirty, when I became a father for the first time I wasn't exactly a paragon of maturity either. I'm sure you are aware of the common theory that women mature more rapidly than men. Assuming that's true, your battle is uphill. I remember how hard it was to come to accept not being the "master" of my own life/fate after my first was born. What I wanted or even needed wasn't important anymore. My wants and needs dropped way down on the scale of family, wife, child (soon children). I was lucky enough to have a sense of honor and loyalty learned in the Corps to fall back on. As it was, it was barely enough.

 

I learned how to be a dad, "on the fly". My wife was younger, and had as much difficulty as I did, which actually helped. We were lucky enough to realize that we didn't know anything about being parents, or partners. This was actually before the wide spread availability of "parenting" classes and marriage counseling. In it's place I took a couple of child psy. at the local J.C. and I read, lots. So did my then wife. Somehow we managed.

 

Your husband may be in a similar situation, possibly with fewer tools to help him adapt. Instead of the usual LS suggestion of marriage counseling, how about parenting classes? I might help him get the reality of the situation planted in his head, father, partner, are more important at this point in his life than his personal need for attention or pleasure.

 

Just a thought....

[LifesontheUp]

First of all what struck me about your post is the frequency that your husband lies to you - under the guise of "I would have told you but you would have got mad". Sorry but if there was nothing to hide then why hide it?

 

These were 2 inappropriate relationships for a married man to be having. If he was overwhelmed with everything then he should have been talking to you. Not an ex, a woman he works with or someone he found in a bar.

 

Your husband has issues and sorry but you don't know that he has not been intimate with anyone else. I'd be concerned about the alone time he spent with his ex colleague and the wishes he was expressing to some woman that he only knew for a week and a half?!?

 

Its good to here that he is getting counselling and is asking that you do couples counselling. I don't think anyone can tell you whether you will be happy together. Though counselling is a start to find out why your husband feels the need to lie and have these relationships.

[LakesideDream]

Men lie to avoid verbal conflict, which they generally lose. Again, it sounds to me like the most likely problem here is one of immaturity.

 

Infidelity is bad, very bad. It's extremely damaging for the children who are innocent af any wrongdoing yet pay the highest price of all.

 

It's easy for us to automaticly blame the wandering spouse. Yea, this guy is doing bad things, things he should know how to avoid. Yet he's not avoiding them. Pressuring him into being a "faithfull" husband, physically or emotionally will not solve the root problem.

 

I know what it's like to be cheated on. I made my choice not to accept it. Abet, after my children were grown, and adults living on their own. I cannot imagine being in a hurry to dissolve a marriage with young children depending on me.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

Ugh, this guy sounds like he couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it. He's done nothing but LIE and SNEAK for so long now, you probably wouldn't KNOW him if he manned up and acted with integrity. I think we all have our limits as to just how much we're willing to let someone else disrespect us and diminish us. I think you'll know when you've reached your limit. Quite honestly, I would have been gone by now. But the older I get, the less patience I have for liars and cheats. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

[Ladyjane14]

My H told me that he doesn't know why he did what he did, but that the responsibilites of work, baby, marriage, bills, pretty much life overwhelmed him and he was just looking for someone to talk to. And he said that he felt that I didn't love him anymore because all I did was complain about what he hasn't done. And that he was scared to tell me how he really was feeling (about not feeling wanted or loved) because he was scared that I would get mad or just blow him off as being rediculous.

 

I agree with Lakeside. There's nothing here that would lead me to believe your young husband is lying to you there in the quote box above. These kind of statements are fairly standard in a guy who doesn't feel he's equipped to deal with the marital issues for whatever reason.

 

Sometimes you have to separate the wheat from the chaff. Whether the problems within the marriage can be surmounted or not is up to the two of you and how hard you're both willing to work for it. But on first blush, that looks like "wheat" to me.

[MrsHellnoFire]

They met in a bar, were drunk, and just an "emotional" relationship ensued?

 

More like lust and sex that led afterwards for the WEEK they were together.

 

Too short-lived to be anything but lust imo.