Author Michael Corleone Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Hey, I was actually hoping that some people could weigh in on experiences they've had, either in making another aware of their feelings or being on the receiving end of such feelings, and whether/how that changed the dynamic. That only works with the right person. If I notice someone I like is not attracted to me, I lose interest on the spot. I don't like them anymore. If I like some guy and I see that he is attracted then yes, I like him much more. So far so good.. But if it's a guy that I don't like at all and I notice that he is attracted to me my attraction doesn't change or increase. That was my initial example, me liking guys hasn't make them like me more. Is more like a prediction of their rejection if anything, not more attraction. Since that's what's happened so far. Ariadne Interesting. Shadowplay pointed out that there have been guys that she didn't even cause her to turn her head until they expressed their feelings for her. Of course, I'm sure every one has their threshold level of what it takes to like someone. Sometimes realizing that someone likes you, by itself, simply is not enough to turn the tables.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I was actually hoping that some people could weigh in on experiences they've had, either in making another aware of their feelings or being on the receiving end of such feelings, and whether/how that changed the dynamic. Watching a hockey game, a player was warming up (skating) and he tapped his stick at the glass in front of me. Then gave me a huge smile. The stranger standing next to me asked me if he was my husband. I replied "No, never saw him be4." Her response, "well, it looks like you have a boyfriend." I now see him around town all the time. I would have never noticed him. Business Dinner and guy puts his hand on my knee. I was mortified (because I never thought it would ever happen or with him). Well, since then, I see him differently (he seems to be much cuter now........) Business Get-together: Co-worker walked me to my car and tried to kiss me. I turned him down and told him that I thought we were friends. His reply, "I've been saying hello to you and following you around at work for nearly a year. Didn't you notice?" Nope - but I sure got the hint when he went in for the kiss...... Are these typical p/u techniques?????
Ariadne Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Well, Shadowplay pointed out that there have been guys that she didn't even cause her to turn her head until they expressed their feelings for her. Noticing some guy is attracted might increase my curiosity. And I wouldn't brush some guy off before getting to know him. If it's someone I might like then he'd be more attractive yes, but that doesn't make a difference whether I'd like the guy or not. Ariadne
Author Michael Corleone Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Well, Shadowplay pointed out that there have been guys that she didn't even cause her to turn her head until they expressed their feelings for her. Noticing some guy is attracted might increase my curiosity. And I wouldn't brush some guy off before getting to know him. If it's someone I might like then he'd be more attractive yes, but that doesn't make a difference whether I'd like the guy or not. Ariadne So basically, what you're saying is that conveying feelings makes no difference in the grand scheme of things. I think you basically said something to that effect earlier in the thread; that all it simply does is bring to the surface the truth of who likes who anyway.
Author Michael Corleone Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Watching a hockey game, a player was warming up (skating) and he tapped his stick at the glass in front of me. Then gave me a huge smile. The stranger standing next to me asked me if he was my husband. I replied "No, never saw him be4." Her response, "well, it looks like you have a boyfriend." I now see him around town all the time. I would have never noticed him. Business Dinner and guy puts his hand on my knee. I was mortified (because I never thought it would ever happen or with him). Well, since then, I see him differently (he seems to be much cuter now........) Business Get-together: Co-worker walked me to my car and tried to kiss me. I turned him down and told him that I thought we were friends. His reply, "I've been saying hello to you and following you around at work for nearly a year. Didn't you notice?" Nope - but I sure got the hint when he went in for the kiss...... Are these typical p/u techniques????? I tend to associate pick-up techniques with guys who simply want a one-night stand or to get physical. Based on what you've revealed about these encounters, it's hard to say what these guys' motives were at the time - I think it could go either way depending on context and the types of people these guys are.
Ariadne Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Hi, that all it simply does is bring to the surface the truth of who likes who anyway. You can say that. If some guy I'm not attracted to is attracted to me, most likely I'd let him know one way or another that I don't want anything to do with him. Ariadne
uniqueone Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Let's say a guy is at a party and he knows several women there and likes them all. In the course of the evening, he tells each one of his attraction for them. The other women see him doing this. Is any one of the women going to like him more than she did previously, just because he told her that he was attracted to her? My guess is no. They see that he says this to all the women there. This tells me that what draws a woman in when a man indicates his attraction for her (and only her), is the feeling of specialness....being chosen over others. To me, that says ego building is what's driving the attraction she has for the guy. Is ego building true attraction?
Author Michael Corleone Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Let's say a guy is at a party and he knows several women there and likes them all. In the course of the evening, he tells each one of his attraction for them. The other women see him doing this. Is any one of the women going to like him more than she did previously, just because he told her that he was attracted to her? My guess is no. They see that he says this to all the women there. This tells me that what draws a woman in when a man indicates his attraction for her (and only her), is the feeling of specialness....being chosen over others. To me, that says ego building is what's driving the attraction she has for the guy. Is ego building true attraction? Great post. Perhaps this notion ego building was what I was trying to get at all along. One assumption that I made in my initial post that the "display of attraction" would not otherwise result in adverse consequences, which would include bad impressions had if one approaches multiple women at the same time. My intuition tells me this notion of ego building has been discussed before on this board. Has it? I think attraction encapsulates ego building and then some. I think the ego building is a result of the attraction - you want to make someone feel special because you like them - but the ego building feeds back into the attraction in some symbiotic way, thereby making the attraction even stronger.
uniqueone Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I think attraction encapsulates ego building and then some. I think the ego building is a result of the attraction - you want to make someone feel special because you like them - but the ego building feeds back into the attraction in some symbiotic way, thereby making the attraction even stronger. Yes, they feed off one another. However, it still depends on other things. Say someone is getting enough of an ego boost from plenty of others. They therefore. probably wouldn't be quite as affected by the extra attention. On the other hand, someone feeling lonely, low and insecure would be more likely to fall for the person paying them attention. This is why when you're going through a bad time, you should avoid any smooth-talker. That's what I've learned anyway.
Author Michael Corleone Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Yes, they feed off one another. However, it still depends on other things. Say someone is getting enough of an ego boost from plenty of others. They therefore. probably wouldn't be quite as affected by the extra attention. On the other hand, someone feeling lonely, low and insecure would be more likely to fall for the person paying them attention. This is why when you're going through a bad time, you should avoid any smooth-talker. That's what I've learned anyway. I guess this then raises the question of how one goes about "ego building" a potential mate if that person seems to already have a enriching, fulfilling life? I don't mean to say that it is impossible per say, but one would think that it would be much more difficult to win someone over who already has much of what they need in life to be happy.
uniqueone Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I guess this then raises the question of how one goes about "ego building" a potential mate if that person seems to already have a enriching, fulfilling life? I don't mean to say that it is impossible per say, but one would think that it would be much more difficult to win someone over who already has much of what they need in life to be happy. Personally I wouldn't try to win anyone over. They either like me or they don't. I'm not into sales.
Author Michael Corleone Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Personally I wouldn't try to win anyone over. They either like me or they don't. I'm not into sales. Well, perhaps "winning over" is the wrong choice of words, but maybe whether someone reciprocates romantic feelings partially depends on what their "ego" level is. The higher is is, the less likely they are to reciprocate. Ultimately, however, I don't think this process can be simplified to some predictable science.
nicki Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Yeah, I'm not into sales, either. If some guy wants to make the effort to get to know me, then I'll give him all the green lights to go ahead....but, I've noticed that the guys who don't show interest/attraction early on are the ones I've chased. And that's never ended well. It's much better to have a guy show interest in me. It DOES make me more interested in him to have his attention. Now, I flirt and and see how much effort a guy wants to put in. I'm not doing all the upfront work of asking a guy out, etc...I still think a guy wants to chase a bit -- as long as the woman lets him know that she finds him attractive. I like what the poster said about attraction and romantic interest. I agree. I've also read that we fall in love with people who see us the way we want to be seen. For instance, a guy who is a closet daredevil will love a woman who says she sees him riding a motorcyle or skiing all the black runs....She will bring out that side of him. So, it is ego driven. But most things of pleasure are. Isn't the whole purpose of ego to pursue pleasure and avoid pain? + I think all early relationships rely heavily on ego stroking. Compliments, flattery, sexual attraction, etc. all further our interest and make us feel special and noticed.
Author Michael Corleone Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 So, it is ego driven. But most things of pleasure are. Isn't the whole purpose of ego to pursue pleasure and avoid pain? + I think all early relationships rely heavily on ego stroking. Compliments, flattery, sexual attraction, etc. all further our interest and make us feel special and noticed. Well put. I agree.
The Loacker Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I have to add something here, because I think this whole "ego building" concept isn't exactly the best way to look at it. I believe men are more likely to react positively to someone who strokes their ego, since that sort of gives them the perception that their masculinity is being elevated (don't ask me why, but we guys have huge egos). With women ego isn't that important, since guys stare at them all day long, and they get hit on quite often. With them it's more about making them feel special; different than all the other women around her. And Michael, I'm not trying to antagonize you or anything, but I STILL think you're overthinking this topic way too much. You're rationalizing whether or not a woman will be more attracted to you if her ego level is higher, whether or not such and such technique will increase her attraction level or not, etc... Sure, there are certain things you need to learn about women, but it's a lot simpler than all this theorizing of yours. It's definitely an interesting topic, which is why I'm posting in it, but I hope you don't rely on these thoughts when you're trying to talk to women, because they're just going to confuse you.
Leoni Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I have to add something here, because I think this whole "ego building" concept isn't exactly the best way to look at it. I believe men are more likely to react positively to someone who strokes their ego, since that sort of gives them the perception that their masculinity is being elevated (don't ask me why, but we guys have huge egos). With women ego isn't that important, since guys stare at them all day long, and they get hit on quite often. With them it's more about making them feel special; different than all the other women around her. And Michael, I'm not trying to antagonize you or anything, but I STILL think you're overthinking this topic way too much. You're rationalizing whether or not a woman will be more attracted to you if her ego level is higher, whether or not such and such technique will increase her attraction level or not, etc... Sure, there are certain things you need to learn about women, but it's a lot simpler than all this theorizing of yours. It's definitely an interesting topic, which is why I'm posting in it, but I hope you don't rely on these thoughts when you're trying to talk to women, because they're just going to confuse you. Nicely put. On the other hand, if a guy or girl needs a lot of ego-stroking, there will be issues in the future, when the relationship settles down from best behaviour to normal behaviour.
Author Michael Corleone Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 And Michael, I'm not trying to antagonize you or anything, but I STILL think you're overthinking this topic way too much. You're rationalizing whether or not a woman will be more attracted to you if her ego level is higher, whether or not such and such technique will increase her attraction level or not, etc... Sure, there are certain things you need to learn about women, but it's a lot simpler than all this theorizing of yours. It's definitely an interesting topic, which is why I'm posting in it, but I hope you don't rely on these thoughts when you're trying to talk to women, because they're just going to confuse you. Right, it was actually my intention to theorize about this concept. I know that things that work in theory often do not work in practice, due to the many intangibles and surprises that life throws at us. I was simply hoping to illicit a good-natured socratic discussion about the topic.
uniqueone Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I've also read that we fall in love with people who see us the way we want to be seen. For instance, a guy who is a closet daredevil will love a woman who says she sees him riding a motorcyle or skiing all the black runs....She will bring out that side of him. So, it is ego driven. But most things of pleasure are. Isn't the whole purpose of ego to pursue pleasure and avoid pain? + I think all early relationships rely heavily on ego stroking. Compliments, flattery, sexual attraction, etc. all further our interest and make us feel special and noticed. Ok, then why is it then that when I've had it with a way a guy was treating me and finally told him what an a$$ he had been (and believe me, it was true)......then I end up getting treated better? How does that figure into this equation? Or do I just really find ****** up men who don't fit the usual criteria? but, I've noticed that the guys who don't show interest/attraction early on are the ones I've chased. And that's never ended well. Interesting point here...... I've noticed this happen to me....I don't show much interest in a guy...he persues me even more.....after this continues for awhile, I start to like him........he backs off.........then I start to like him more...... End result is, at first he was heavily pursuing me but it ends reversed. And the bad part about it is....I KNOW...I absolutely KNOW that once it's reversed like that.....it will NEVER work. But by that point, it's too late, I'm already invested. This is why I'm staying away from men right now. I don't want to fall into that again.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I tend to associate pick-up techniques with guys who simply want a one-night stand or to get physical. Based on what you've revealed about these encounters, it's hard to say what these guys' motives were at the time - I think it could go either way depending on context and the types of people these guys are. Thanks MC - Well, none of the above have gotten anywhere with me. They are currently all friends that I keep at a distance.
The Loacker Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Nicely put. On the other hand, if a guy or girl needs a lot of ego-stroking, there will be issues in the future, when the relationship settles down from best behaviour to normal behaviour. True. I'm just saying, when a girl says something that boosts my ego, even though I can tell it's corny as hell, I feel good. Haha I don't know what it is, but we guys love having our ego stroked. Try it sometime, it works. Just don't overdo it...
isntitironic Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 In this area I kind of believe in you can't enjoy the sweet without the sour. If I'm dating someone I'm going to tease her about something only because later when i hit her with a compliment she will appreciate it more. If your constantly being showered in compliments you start to think maybe the other person is blinded by love which is cool but does not feel genuine. I love having nice things said to me. Sadly though sometimes I don't believe I deserve them.
Trialbyfire Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Too many compliments spells a snowjob to me.
Lizzie60 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 All other things being equal, if a member of the opposite sex reveals to you (expressly or impliedly) that they are attracted to you, do you find them more attractive than if they had not done so? I pose this question because it goes to the idea of revealing one's romantic feelings for another. In my opinion, there is an underlying risk/reward relation between revealing your romantic feelings to someone during a courtship and whether that person will reciprocate with equally romantic feelings. In other words, by revealing your feelings, you make yourself vulnerable, creating the possibility that that person will either reciprocate, or not. From an emotional standpoint, you will either rise or fall. So, it would seem like all things being equal, whether you reveal your romantic feelings for someone is a 50/50 proposition. The chances that they happen to have the same feelings for you are equal to them not having those feelings for you. However, if it is true that attraction invites attraction, then the act itself of revealing romantic feelings for someone should, in theory, slant the odds of them reciprocating those romantic feelings in your favor at least slightly. This basically means that, in general, we should always reveal romantic feelings for another, because the odds will be better than 50% that the other person will reciprocate. (I'm also making many assumptions. For example, that the timing is ideal, there will be no adverse consequences suffered by third-parties (e.g., the person is already married).) Sorry for the abstraction, but I'm not sure how else to explain this theory of mine. If what I'm saying is true, then perhaps what this means is that if we like someone, we should always make that fact known to that person. Not only will they have the benefit of feeling loved, but the odds are better than not that they will love you in return as well. To be honest, if someone tells me he is attracted to me... it doesn't make him more attractive to me.. except maybe I would be a little more curious about the guy, if I don't already know him. I am very secure with my 'looks' (eventhough I hate to look at my pic... LOL) it's no surprise really that a guy would tell me he is attracted to me (I know I sound conceited but it's how I feel, I won't be more attracted to the guy). I would think that if a woman is insecure and/or doesn't think she's attractive, then... she might get the wrong message... or fall for the first guy who reveals his attraction... hard to say.. could go both ways...
nicki Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 UniqueOne, I don't know how to paste in your comment from before. Sorry. I think the guys treat you better after you call them on their crap because they know you will walk if they don't shape up. It's a great show of self-respect on your part. I swear some guys will push you with crappy behavior just to see how much you will take...and they seem to like it when you put your foot down. It shows that you can give some attitude when necessary. That can be very sexy. But, I know what you mean. Great thread. Love what everyone is saying.
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