I am broken...

[Galip]

Greetings everyone

 

The last couple of months of my life will probably be something I will never forget for as long as I live.

I don’t know where to begin my story or why even bother typing it all down here when I think that it wont make me feel better, maybe I need to vent or just tell people, random people who don't know me and who could judge me and my situation without bias, at any rate, here it is.

 

I just turned 24 years old, I know or rather knew, or thought I knew this girl called Maria.

 

We met 3 years ago in my university where we were both students in the same course/group/class, back then we didn’t pay much attention to one another, we were never friends even, just classmates despite the fact that I have always admired her as a person and she admired me too, but i don't know for what reason we kept a lot of distance, we never even went out together for two entire years not even with friends.

 

Anyways, all of this changed around mid August this year, when she made an account over a social network that i was a member of, and from there over the course of a few weeks we developed a relationship, we first started talking casually then our chats became more and more intimate, we developed a very strong interest in each other, we both shared things we wouldn’t even share with people we didn't know, she felt she can open up to me, as I did to her we talked about everything and she told me things that until that moment she had not admitted to anyone, we connected, we both felt we knew each other before, as if we were together in some previous lifetime we had a karmic relationship, we both knew how the other thought and ticked, what he liked and what he did not, slowly we became obsessed with each other, we opened each other's eyes to new perspectives, i know this all sounds too common, just two persons having a fling online, no strings attached, but I have been in quite a few such flings and felt this one to be something unique.

 

We decided that we should meet, but due to various circumstances this was near impossible, due to the fact that both of us were with someone else at that time, I with my 2 year GF, her with her BF of 5 years. We lived a few hundred miles away from each other and we both had serious preoccupations and could hardly make time for a rendez vous between the personal and professional responsibilities, also she was preparing to leave for the UK for her master’s degree in late September so free time was not something she had plenty of.

 

But still we made plans to meet each other despite all the odds, we set up numerous dates but every time something would go wrong and we had to reschedule only for things to fall apart again, it was getting really frustrating for both of us.

 

Finally a date was set in stone, the 22nd of September, just 2 days before she had to leave for the UK, we met up but the downside was that the date would have to be shared with our other previous classmates whom we both haven’t seen for a year, it was the best and only thing we could do. To make things even harder, none of us could show what he really felt for the other then, because all our colleagues knew her BF so we had to put on our masks and pretend like we haven’t seen / talked to each other for a long time.

 

But that didn’t stop us from texting each other sweet messages that night, and finally around 3AM when everyone had to go his way, we split in 2 cars; me and a friend in one and she and the rest in her car.

I had a gut feeling that night, not to go home straight away so I asked my friend to drop me off near the park and that I would walk back home, I needed time to think and reflect, just as I got off, smoked a cigarette and started walking home I grabbed my phone and started dialling her number, just then I got this message from her: "Don't go home yet!", so I told her where I was, she came and I got in her car and just moments after closing the door we were in each others arms.

 

We stayed together in her car for the rest of the night, and I will spare you the details of that, suffice to say that it was magical. At 6am she had to leave me, here BF was arriving at the train station at 6:30 and she had to go and pick him up, so she dropped me off at my place and we promised that we would see each other sometimes soon, we both didn't know just how and when that would happen but we both had the feeling that it would be soon.

 

Now a little bit of background information, I also had plans to do my masters degree in the UK and previously had applied to a few universities, among them was the one where she was going to attend, although I was still waiting for approval and was planning on going to the UK during spring.

 

My GF and I back then weren't getting along at all after 2 years, we both knew we had to end it but neither of us wanted to be the one to bring things out on the table.

 

Her BF of 5 years have been taking her for granted for some time now and things between them weren’t working either, so she wanted to end her relationship with him, but she too lacked the courage to do so, this is why she was anxious to go to the UK and to get away from him, of course I am sparing you most of the irrelevant details here.

 

She opened up my eyes to a whole new range of possibilities.

I ended my already extinguished relationship and pressed on, on the 24th of September I got my letter of final acceptance from the same university that she was going to attend.

 

I packed up my entire life.

Bought a ticket

And on the 4th of October got myself on a plane to the UK.

 

A month of sheer delight followed, we were both in heaven, never have I been happier in my entire life, never has a woman made me feel the way she did, never before have I experienced the things I had experienced with her, never have I felt so loved my entire life, never have I loved and made love to a woman the same way I did with her, she was special by all regards, and so was I to her.

 

She told me how she thanked God for finding me, she told me the love she had for me couldn’t be put to words, she told me the way I made her feel was like no other man had made her feel before, that she felt she was a goddess with me and she felt she was with a god. And not only words, but she also spoke to me in actions, I cannot even describe what we had, it was so intense that words here would not do it justice, it was something I'm almost sure no other person could make me experience.

 

But there were some uneasy times as well, times here she doubted herself and what she was doing and those times occurred when she was not with me, but the moment the two if us were together again all her fears and worries disappeared and she would not think of anything troubling while with me.

 

But she still had some baggage, she was still in touch with her boyfriend, I did not like this of course, but then I did not want to press her, I wanted to give her time so she can reflect on things I didn’t want to push her into doing things out of fear of pushing her away from me or of fear of just putting her at unease, I kept silent about it and pretended not to care, she never hid it from me that she was still talking to him, we both knew that she had unresolved issues with him. And I didn't let my discomfort from that spill over into our relationship.

 

The 4th of October came, it has been a month since we were together, I planed a trip to London for the both of us, it was fantastic, filled with romance and great positive emotions.

At the end of the day we came back to our town in the south and spent the entire night an most of the next day together, we both felt something on this day, that we were meant to be together, we shared this thought and decided that this day would mark a new beginning for both of us.

 

Now comes the downfall

 

Her Bf suspected she was going behind his back (a friend of hers told him he suspected something), she never cheated on the person she was with in her entire life, but for me she made an exception, am I a fool to believe this? i do not know, but still to this day I believe it.

 

But he never admitted it in words, just with changes of mood, so she asked him, if something she was doing bothered him, he answered:

"I know you well enough to know that you would never do something to hurt me and would never do something behind my back"

 

And this made her crack, it overburdened here with guilt, she felt bad for what she had done to him, the resentfulness of her relationship with him disappeared in an instant, she now wanted to give him a second chance, and to give him a second chance I had to go away, vanish like I never existed before.

 

What else could I have done but to give her what she wanted, yes I know, I'm a good guy, a good guy in all the wrong ways...

she broke me the news on the night of the 6th, I didn't sleep that night, neither did she.

 

The next day she showed up at my door step at 8am in the morning, we talked about it all day long, and then phrases turned into tears, hugs and kisses, strong embraces and trembling words, the pain was too much for any of us to bear, we both cried despite that we did our best to keep our composure.

 

She kept telling me how much she loves me, how much she will miss me, how much I mean to her and how she will never forget me or forget what we had, how she will never forget the way I treated her, how I opened her eyes, how I made her feel alive, how grateful she was for finding me how she regrets sometimes from all the pain she feels that this has never taken place, how she wished that circumstances were different, and all of this I felt as well towards her.

 

I cried, I begged her to reconsider her decision, but I also knew that she has made up her mind and that there was no turning back, I fell on my knees for her, I prayed to God to take anything from me but to let us be together, I felt myself dying a bit inside, my heart bleeding, my throat soar from the lump that has been logged in it for hours, my eyes itch from all the tears I have shed the last days.

 

She left that evening, before she went I told her to close her eyes and to kiss me, and to think of our very first kiss while her lips are pressed on mine, I told her I had no regrets, I would not trade that month for anything, she told me how much she wished for more time with me.

I asked her never to forget what the two of us had, for never shall I forget it. I felt that it was not the end.

 

I know she has been thinking of me all this time, I know she regrets the way things turned out, i know she wished things were different.

 

A couple of hours ago I went to her place, I didn't go in though, I stood under her window for half an hour, silently sitting there and watching the shadows move in her room. I don't know what came to me, I grabbed a pebble and threw it at her window, and then I shouted out in the middle of the night as loud as I could, "Maria, I love you!" and ran away.

 

What makes it hurt so much, is knowing how much she loves me, and for that, she can not bear seeing me anymore.

 

 

Am I a fool? What to feel? What to do?

I love her so much, despite all the hurt she caused me.

I wish I could hate her, it would have been easier...

[Galip]

sorry for double posting, please delete this thread, leave the other one.