Feeling Really Unappreciated? Or are my expectations too high?

[gonetildecember]

I have brought this up in another forum awhile ago about a specific issue, but in general I just feel like i'm unappreciated/taken for granted/ 2nd best.

 

My BF is a great guy. Things are really good, and other than this I don't have any problems with us. We are in a semi LDR (2 hrs) and get to see each other usually every other weekend..around school, friends, other obligations...

 

I'm always the one planning trips..(and usually his response is we'll see until like 2 days before..in my mind usually after he checks if something better is happening).. making effort see him more often and generally putting in more work to upkeep the relationship. I feel as if I get the time that's left over, because he thinks that's ok as he knows I'll always want to see him.

 

He does all the things a BF should do (its as if he's following rules from a book) but never really goes above the call of what's required..doesn't put in the same amount of effort.. I feel more like an obligation or part of his schedule.

 

Am I asking to much? Is there anything I can do to make him see I maybe he should be putting in more? (without blurting it out and making him feel i'm attacking him)

[Ocean-Blue]

I have brought this up in another forum awhile ago about a specific issue, but in general I just feel like i'm unappreciated/taken for granted/ 2nd best.

 

My BF is a great guy. Things are really good, and other than this I don't have any problems with us. We are in a semi LDR (2 hrs) and get to see each other usually every other weekend..around school, friends, other obligations...

 

I'm always the one planning trips..(and usually his response is we'll see until like 2 days before..in my mind usually after he checks if something better is happening).. making effort see him more often and generally putting in more work to upkeep the relationship. I feel as if I get the time that's left over, because he thinks that's ok as he knows I'll always want to see him.

 

He does all the things a BF should do (its as if he's following rules from a book) but never really goes above the call of what's required..doesn't put in the same amount of effort.. I feel more like an obligation or part of his schedule.

 

Am I asking to much? Is there anything I can do to make him see I maybe he should be putting in more? (without blurting it out and making him feel i'm attacking him)

 

No, you're not asking for too much. It takes two to tango. He needs to take initiative sometimes...it can't always be you carrying the load. Sometimes, bfs (and gfs) get complacent. The seeming lack of effort on his part is affecting you, therefore it is a problem or issue.

 

Perhaps you could just tell him it'd be nice if he planned things more often. Tell him that you like it when there is a balance - that you're interested in exploring things he likes, etc.

 

LDRs are hard enough. To have a bf who is complacent...well, that sucks.

 

Hope your talk goes well.

[gonetildecember]

See the thing is Ocean-Blue.. This time I tried that. When we got back from our last visit, I said okay.. next time.. all the plans are up to you (we usually alternate weekends/outings at each others homes).

 

I ended up seeing him Sunday out of the blue for four hours.

 

He has had exams for the past two weekends, so we haven't had a weekend together since the 23rd of Oct. He has one this Saturday, so as next weekend is a mutual friend's bday.. as well as our first joint free weekend from exams until December 18th.. i figured that he would take that chance to say ok well lets get together next weekend.. NO.. last night he's like can you come down Friday at 5pm until his exam Saturday at 1pm..because I think I wanna go out here on Friday.. SO basically its like come friday so u don't get upset about next weekend kinda thing. it just makes me feel unimportant. I know if it was me, I would go see him as I won't until December.. and I see my friends and can go out with them everyday.

 

And its not just about the visits..He is a really great BF.. iits just like with initiative and effort I seem to put way more in. Its as if he knows it will be taken care of or I will always be there to pick up the slack.

 

I did also mention to him something of the sort, and he acted offended as if I felt he didn't care.

[Ocean-Blue]

See the thing is Ocean-Blue.. This time I tried that. When we got back from our last visit, I said okay.. next time.. all the plans are up to you (we usually alternate weekends/outings at each others homes).

 

I ended up seeing him Sunday out of the blue for four hours.

 

He has had exams for the past two weekends, so we haven't had a weekend together since the 23rd of Oct. He has one this Saturday, so as next weekend is a mutual friend's bday.. as well as our first joint free weekend from exams until December 18th.. i figured that he would take that chance to say ok well lets get together next weekend.. NO.. last night he's like can you come down Friday at 5pm until his exam Saturday at 1pm..because I think I wanna go out here on Friday.. SO basically its like come friday so u don't get upset about next weekend kinda thing. it just makes me feel unimportant. I know if it was me, I would go see him as I won't until December.. and I see my friends and can go out with them everyday.

 

And its not just about the visits..He is a really great BF.. iits just like with initiative and effort I seem to put way more in. Its as if he knows it will be taken care of or I will always be there to pick up the slack.

 

I did also mention to him something of the sort, and he acted offended as if I felt he didn't care.

 

Could it be that he's really busy with school and exams (and therefore is expecting you to take the brunt of things for a while)?

[gonetildecember]

No. I thought it was that at first.. but I think maybe that could have been it initially, but maybe he's gotten so comfortable.. that this is just how it is now.

 

Like, its really starting to frustrate me.. apart from the visits.. it other stuff.. He just seems to be so comfy in the fact that he has me and we're together that he takes it all for granted. I don't need fireworks or presents... but like some initiative or effort.. in calling, in coming to see me, in his actions..

 

I want to shake him up.. so that he tries.. and I don;t feel like i'm the only one that gives a F*ck about whether i see him or if he's happy, etc... I don't want to be the only person caring about this.

 

HELP!

[gonetildecember]

I've read on some sites/posts about pulling back a little.. being a challenge etc. Some ppl also suggested it. I find it so hard to do, when im in an LDR and when not seeing him/talking to him also punishes me since our contact is already so limited.

 

Does it really help?

 

Anyone have any ideas for how I can get him to take some initiative...?...miss me enough to make some effort?

[brothermartin]

Coming from someone that has been on both sides of that coin, I can say that it dose seem like you are being taken for granted, a little. One thing you could do is just tell him you need a break from being the one to make all the compromises and efforts. If he cant find it in himself to take the lead more, dont worry about it. Just give yourself a break from it, otherwise you may wind up resenting him. Let your friends take the wheel for a weekend and just go along for the ride. And let your BF know what you're doing and why.

[gonetildecember]

Thanks for your post brothermartin.

 

See the thing is we are about 2 hrs apart.. So seeing each other is restricted to visits. I've tried telling him once how I felt and he took it as an attack. Maybe I worded it wrong, but is there any way to approach the subject gently without him seeing it as me attacking him.

 

The last time I said, ok.. next visit is completely up to you. Just let me know when and where..but I find that even when I didn't say this.. it was always on his terms.. I would ask and he would say.. i'll let u know and would end up telling me two days before. (which just makes me feel like he's waiting on other options) I also suffer because it's already an every other weekend sort of meeting schedule.. also keeping in mind we are both in university and exams and all that.

 

And its not just visits.. I go out of my way to make him feel special/important.. and its not like i need him to do that. but for once I'd like to just feel he loved me/cared or have him treat me really special without me hinting or initiating anything.

 

I'm sure it also has to do with the fact that I'm always available.. answer when he calls, will drive to see him, will even go pick him up if he's coming for the weekend (he doesn't have a car, i do).. but i just want to for once feel like i'm getting as much as i'm putting in.

[Racquel Colette]

Stop calling him. Stop initiating plans. He should be doing that more and be dying to see you and want to make you happy, doing little things for you just to make you smile.

It sounds as if you are way more into him than he is into you. Sorry, but it's true.

Stop initiating things and making plans, stop calling him altogether. You need to see if he'll make an effort or just let it go. If he doesn't call you and doesn't make plans, you know that he is happy not seeing you.

[Racquel Colette]

I've read on some sites/posts about pulling back a little.. being a challenge etc. Some ppl also suggested it. I find it so hard to do, when im in an LDR and when not seeing him/talking to him also punishes me since our contact is already so limited.

 

Does it really help?

 

Anyone have any ideas for how I can get him to take some initiative...?...miss me enough to make some effort?

 

Yes, but he does not seem to miss you at all. Do you want to be with a guy who doesn't miss you and doesn't really care whether he sees you or not?

No, you really can't do anything to get him to love you. He is showing that he doesn't. Men do what they want, their actions are louder than words. Nothing says "I'm just not that into you" than a phone that doesn't ring and a guy who doesn't make plans to see you.

[gonetildecember]

See I would attribute it to the whole.. Not into you thing.. but when we're together things are perfect. he does call and i do see him.. i just feel like its always me doing the work work work.

 

i tried the whole not calling thing.. initiating plans.. but it will get a response for a second then back to normal

 

and like i said we're in an LDR.. we have kind of a schedule.. we go about our days.. random calls from me during the day, if not he'll call at night before bed.. talk for about an hour. see him every other weekend, depending on exams and engagements.

 

thats the routine. thats what he's used to. so not calling him doesnt really have much effect because he calls every night usually like clock work.

 

I just want him to be excited.. to miss me enough to plan it all out like i do.. i think he just expects me to do it.

 

maybe i didn't do the whole not calling thing right, i don't know??

[gonetildecember]

I would think that he didn't have it in him, but when we first started up (the whole chase phase) it wa like wow... he planned, he called, he did the little surprises and the special stuff.. so i know he has it in him. He's just stopped trying. But the love and affection is still there, higher for that matter. so i dont know what to do.

[bk2307]

Wow, this sounds very similar to what I went through this summer. After college, I started grad school and he started work 2 hours away. I had a ton of work but was still putting way more effort into everything. He called less and less cause he was hanging out with his new friends and always wanted to check with them before making any plans with me for the weekend. Everything still seemed fine when we were together though. Not to be ominous, but after trying to talk it out with him multiple times, he finally confirmed my suspicions and broke up with me. I guess he just lost interest. He ended up saying we were together so long he "didn't really know what love is"...

 

Your expectations are not too high. In a relationship it has to go both ways and is not fair to either of you if he is taking you for granted. I think you really need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. He is either going to be totally shocked and not even realize he was doing this, or he might realize that he doesn't feel the same like what happened to me. Either way, you deserve to know. It is too hard to deal with this when you have the pressure of school as well. Good luck.

[gonetildecember]

Thank you for your post bk.

 

I just think he's totally oblivious. Thursday night, he randomly came out and said (after having a relationship discussion with a close friend) that he wants to make sure everything is good with us, and if there is anything I ever want to tell him to make sure i do as he does not want problems building up between us. He said he wants to make sure we sustain what he have, because he's looking forward to keeping things going well. Things like that give me hope that he's into it.

 

I just really want to make sure i approach this the right way, because how I say it can make it or break it u know. I don't THINK that he's lost interest.. i think its maybe a comfort thing.. we're about 4-5 months into seeing each other..and things are just really getting settled. I feel like he has stopped trying because he knows he HAS me..and doesn't doubt my feelings anymore.

 

how would you guys suggest bringing up the conversation. Like i said, i don't want to attack him.

 

A friend of mine told me i shouldn't say anything.. maybe say something like i'd really like if you planned our next meeting.. but then take actions that will foster his actions.. pull back a bit .. i just don't know how to do that in an LDR? any suggestions?

[bk2307]

Hmm I think you should try saying something like what you are writing on here. Try saying something like, lately I have felt like you aren't trying as hard to see me as you used to and I just wanted to talk to make sure everything is ok. Yeah, it sounds like you might be right that he is getting comfortable with being together for a few months. I think that happens alot at that stage. With my ex, we were together for several years so it definitely wasn't that. I did a semi-long distance throughout college. It can be hard and sometimes guys are oblivious so you might just need to remind him once in awhile that he has to pay attention to you. It is when he realizes what he is doing and does it anyway that you have to worry.

[gonetildecember]

I agree. I hope if he realizes he doens't do it anyways :S

 

I just feel so frustrated about it. Its really hard to explain and get to the jist of it, but I just feel like saying something to him like that won't help. He's gonna be totally confused.

 

Let me give you an example:

 

He has had exams the past two weekends. I saw him last weekend for four hours because he was having a bad day and i drove down there to bring lunch for him and his roomates.. He was appreciative. Next weekend will be the first weekend he doesn't have exams.. as well as the last real weekend before we have finals, and we most likely won't be together for xmas.. U'd think that this would mean we'd spend it together. Like I said, I told him last time.. i was leaving next meeting's plans up to him. On wed, he asked me to come down friday for the night, even tho he had an exam sat. I know this means he's going to stay home next weekend as he'll want to do something with friends. I really have no prob with that, just hate feeling second best.

 

i just want him for once to be like . Oh.. im gonna surprise her.. or go up to see her without her asking or planning.. just because she'd do it for me, or cuz i miss her. I want it to be of his own thinking and own free will kinda thing u know.

 

If I say he isn't trying hard to see me he'll be like i just saw you (the night before his exam.. we watched tv, he studied, then we woke up and i brought him to his exam- i then left to go to a mutuals friends party.. he could have come (as some of his friends did) but didn't and stayed home and went out with other friends)...

 

like i said i feel like an obligation in his routine, that has to be completed before he can do his other stuff.

[bk2307]

I hear you. I agree, it is so romantic when they come up with a little surprise just to let you know they care, it is kind of cute. And you are definitely going out of your way driving 2 hours just to spend half a day with him. I don't really know how to get him to think of things on his own. Other than maybe talk with him and hope he'll keep that in mind from now on. It's really frustrating when you know you can't see each other for awhile, and I have no idea why some guys wouldn't jump at the chance, when it is there, to see you one last time before a long break. Again, talking to him is the only thing I can think of. It seems like some guys don't take hints well and you literally have to tell them everything, as unromantic as it can be.

[ahah2322]

hey gonetildec, i can totally empathise with your situation. i am currently in the exact situation as you are in.

 

i know that my bf have the capacity to be totally interested in me i.e. making plans for dates, calling out of the blue and go an extra mile for you like what you've mentioned. however, after a few months, it wore off and it seems increasingly that he is taking you/us for granted... in the sense that he does not 'go the extra mile' anymore. though we can safely say that he's still nice and loving... just not as preactive as in the initial stages of dating. am i correct so far?

 

unlike my case, it borders being unthoughtful and uncaring when he starts placing his friends before you ALL THE TIME. if it's only on a couple of occassions/ anomolies then it's acceptable but your posts imply that he addresses his friends and their schedual before considering yours. if that's indeed the case, it warrants a talk... and he SHOULD engage you in this valid concern.

 

on the other hand, if he's just not as proactive as before (i am also struggling with this), there needs to be some reflection.

 

are you always complaining and whining and thus putting him off spending time with you (cos that's my situation.)?

 

perhaps the 'honeymoon' period is over (sadly but definitely... even married couple do the whole 'surprise' things once in a while) and that you should transition to a more comfortable stage?

 

are you too available? (IMO, women should always be unavailable at times... not purposely to spite him but to enjoy singlelife once in a while...)

 

how do i deal with it? as aforementioned, i am dealing with this prob myself... but i don't let it get to my head all the time. i withdraw slightly from him and not be more proactive than he is... DON'T EVER ADMIT THAT YOU'RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE/PROVE A POINT cos men hate that (take it frm someone who knows) instead, he'll sense the distance and i guess once he sense a sort-off drop in interest level, he'll jump to please you and at that point, just enjoy every moment of it.

 

it sounds taxing but if you just chill and relax, it will all come naturally... provided he still INTO you.

 

for me, i just have to stop being a whiny/self-centered girl. i hate myself for being brought up this way URGH.

 

tc babygirl!

[gonetildecember]

Yup i agree. I'm thinking of how I should bring it up.

 

I just have a feeling it will go totally over his head,and he'll be more offended by me saying it. But I will try.

 

I'm not asking for a lot. I just want some effort/initiative on his part. I want to feel that he's excited as I am about seeing him/being with him.

 

I don't want to have to play games to get his attention, but i feel like he is SOOO comfortable that he thinks things just happen without any effort at all (maybe because he's used to me doing it)

[gonetildecember]

hey gonetildec, i can totally empathise with your situation. i am currently in the exact situation as you are in.

 

i know that my bf have the capacity to be totally interested in me i.e. making plans for dates, calling out of the blue and go an extra mile for you like what you've mentioned. however, after a few months, it wore off and it seems increasingly that he is taking you/us for granted... in the sense that he does not 'go the extra mile' anymore. though we can safely say that he's still nice and loving... just not as preactive as in the initial stages of dating. am i correct so far?

 

unlike my case, it borders being unthoughtful and uncaring when he starts placing his friends before you ALL THE TIME. if it's only on a couple of occassions/ anomolies then it's acceptable but your posts imply that he addresses his friends and their schedual before considering yours. if that's indeed the case, it warrants a talk... and he SHOULD engage you in this valid concern.

 

on the other hand, if he's just not as proactive as before (i am also struggling with this), there needs to be some reflection.

 

are you always complaining and whining and thus putting him off spending time with you (cos that's my situation.)?

 

perhaps the 'honeymoon' period is over (sadly but definitely... even married couple do the whole 'surprise' things once in a while) and that you should transition to a more comfortable stage?

 

are you too available? (IMO, women should always be unavailable at times... not purposely to spite him but to enjoy singlelife once in a while...)

 

how do i deal with it? as aforementioned, i am dealing with this prob myself... but i don't let it get to my head all the time. i withdraw slightly from him and not be more proactive than he is... DON'T EVER ADMIT THAT YOU'RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE/PROVE A POINT cos men hate that (take it frm someone who knows) instead, he'll sense the distance and i guess once he sense a sort-off drop in interest level, he'll jump to please you and at that point, just enjoy every moment of it.

 

it sounds taxing but if you just chill and relax, it will all come naturally... provided he still INTO you.

 

for me, i just have to stop being a whiny/self-centered girl. i hate myself for being brought up this way URGH.

 

tc babygirl!

 

 

OMG. For the most part you totally got it! Your whole first paragraph about going the extra mile.. or even any mile without me initiating is what im talking about. If I don't initiate it,it doesn't happen kinda thing.. just because he's friggin clueless it seems.

 

It also feels unthoughtful and uncaring to me, because I go out of my way as we are in an LDR to make sure he knows how I feel and to make sure we do have that constant (what u can call constant in an LDR) stuff going on between us. But it does not happen all the time.

 

Unlike you, i've never complained or whined about it. I've said things like.. our next meeting is totally up to you and so on. I'm trying to make things more positive, instead of jumping to the negative approach right away.

 

The too available thing could be right. It's not that I'm too available.. beccause we are 2 hrs away so our contact is limited. But when he calls,I answer... we do visits aroud his schedules... IMO its always on his terms. Although herein lies my issue, I feel like if I don't say yes to this I suffer too because we are in a semi- LDR. You know what i mean?

 

You said you slightly withdraw? what sort of things do you do. This is what I need help with.. i struggle to do this because our contact is already limited.. but i do want him to realise, and not always EXPECT me to be around. Even comments that he made signifies he feels that way. he knows we're together and he has me.. so its liek trying is unnecessary.

[Ocean-Blue]

gtd, I have to say that I can somewhat empathize with your situation. I too am in a LDR...only we're thousands of miles apart (ugh!).

 

A very frequent complaint of mine is that my bf doesn't take initiative in terms of conversation (while I blab away, he sits there and listens). He claims this is because he loves to hear my voice and b/c I come up with far more interesting things to say than he does. I'm like "yeah, whatever." It gets on my nerves sometimes b/c I want him to contribute to the conversation too.

 

Anyway, we've been going back and forth on this (my complaints that he doesn't tell me he loves me enough or that he doesn't express his emotions as much as he should, etc.). My bf is the no nonsense type of guy - he doesn't sugar coat nor does he pander to another's insecurities. That said, he understands that there is a communication issue at the moment.

 

Here's the thing... I think I notice his "flaws" a lot more b/c I sit there and think about it all the time. He has suggested (and I agree) that things may improve if I became more productive. If I focused on my own courses, etc. I think things would improve a great deal.

 

Perhaps you should try this too. Don't initiate so much contact with him...let him call you. Try to keep yourself busy with other things (your school work, your friends, etc)...see what happens after that!

[gonetildecember]

I def already do the letting him call, keeping busy w/ other stuff (i'm in my last yr of university and am applying to do my masters next year)..but it still seems to come up in terms of initiative for planning meetings and general extra mile stuff (doing more than what's routine-required)

 

I brought it up last night, and the conversation went very well in my opinion, he was quite receptive.

 

I basically just brought up that sometime i get frustrated that he isn't as excited (or at least doesn't show it) to see me, plan meetings, and things like that. I told him that his lack of effort and always leaving things to me or to last minute (after he sees what else is going on) sometime makes me feel like i'm not a priority or he isn't as excited or into things as i am.

 

He was a little shocked I think, and basically said that maybe it's because he's generally a laid back kinda guy/ hasn't been in a relationship before this one for quite some time.

 

He said that he really cares about me and about maintaining what we have, so if that's how I really feel, he'll make an effort to try to make more effort. He seemed really genuine and quite concerned. I really hope I do see some sort of change, we'll see how it goes.

 

that being said, I also want to do things on my part to try to improve the situation. Some people commented that it may have been a result of me taking on too much, or making myself too available to him. So, keeping in mind we are already in a LDR, what things can I do to make him realise I am not just there.. whenever it fits/works for him?

[nicki]

Glad your conversation went well! He sounds like he was receptive.

 

Some guys don't even realize what they are doing (or not doing) until we tell them. You mustn't be subtle. Spell it out in concrete terms.

 

I've learned to be much more upfront in relationship. For instance, saying, "I want to go out on a date to a nice restaurant and then to a show." A guy who wants to please you will make that happen. I don't wait for a guy to guess anymore.

 

I just state my desires and see what he does about them. A guy who cares about your happiness will respond to what you care about.

 

I'm big into the idea of reciprocity. If your boyfriend expects you to do all the driving, and he doesn't put in the effort to drive to you, then don't drive to him so much. Explain that you are too tired to drive all the way out there. Or complain about the price of gas. Ask him to drive to see you.

 

If he won't drive to you, then he doesn't get to see you. That should bother him enough to drive to see you more often.

 

Now, if his car breaks down or his schedule (temporarily) becomes crazy and you need to go to him, then do. Just don't make it the way things always are.

 

He needs to do the work. In the past, I've nicely requested for my boyfriends to do things. If they don't, then I've usually yelled, pouted, and generally acted passive aggressively. That didn't work so well for me, so I would advise you to skip over all that stuff.

 

State your needs and desires as requests. See what he will freely give to you. If he won't meet you halfway with trying to give you part of what you want, then pull back a bit. Say "Ok. You don't want to drive out here. I understand, but I can't come out there. I'll see you another time."

 

Take care of yourself more. Give freely, but don't give to the point you feel unbalanced or resentful. It's a fine line, but you'll be able to feel where that line is if you pay attention to how you are feeling. LDRs are especially tricky. So much distance in miles, and you don't want any distance in your heart.

 

It takes two people making the effort. Don't bail him out by doing his share all the time. (Sometimes things happen, you understand, but it shouldn't be the norm.)

 

If he won't plan things to do when you are there, ask him about it. Maybe he's very tired and wants to chill with you at home.

 

If that's the case, then you can let him know that's fine, but you still want to go out and do things. Tell him what those things are, whether it's a movie or dinner out. See if he makes an effort to give you those things.

 

Good luck. Just keep talking to him about how you are feeling and ask him what you two can do about it. Get him involved in problem solving.

[gonetildecember]

Glad your conversation went well! He sounds like he was receptive.

 

Some guys don't even realize what they are doing (or not doing) until we tell them. You mustn't be subtle. Spell it out in concrete terms.

 

I've learned to be much more upfront in relationship. For instance, saying, "I want to go out on a date to a nice restaurant and then to a show." A guy who wants to please you will make that happen. I don't wait for a guy to guess anymore.

 

I just state my desires and see what he does about them. A guy who cares about your happiness will respond to what you care about.

 

I'm big into the idea of reciprocity. If your boyfriend expects you to do all the driving, and he doesn't put in the effort to drive to you, then don't drive to him so much. Explain that you are too tired to drive all the way out there. Or complain about the price of gas. Ask him to drive to see you.

 

If he won't drive to you, then he doesn't get to see you. That should bother him enough to drive to see you more often.

 

Now, if his car breaks down or his schedule (temporarily) becomes crazy and you need to go to him, then do. Just don't make it the way things always are.

 

He needs to do the work. In the past, I've nicely requested for my boyfriends to do things. If they don't, then I've usually yelled, pouted, and generally acted passive aggressively. That didn't work so well for me, so I would advise you to skip over all that stuff.

 

State your needs and desires as requests. See what he will freely give to you. If he won't meet you halfway with trying to give you part of what you want, then pull back a bit. Say "Ok. You don't want to drive out here. I understand, but I can't come out there. I'll see you another time."

 

Take care of yourself more. Give freely, but don't give to the point you feel unbalanced or resentful. It's a fine line, but you'll be able to feel where that line is if you pay attention to how you are feeling. LDRs are especially tricky. So much distance in miles, and you don't want any distance in your heart.

 

It takes two people making the effort. Don't bail him out by doing his share all the time. (Sometimes things happen, you understand, but it shouldn't be the norm.)

 

If he won't plan things to do when you are there, ask him about it. Maybe he's very tired and wants to chill with you at home.

 

If that's the case, then you can let him know that's fine, but you still want to go out and do things. Tell him what those things are, whether it's a movie or dinner out. See if he makes an effort to give you those things.

 

Good luck. Just keep talking to him about how you are feeling and ask him what you two can do about it. Get him involved in problem solving.

 

 

Thanks very much for the post.

 

A lot of this stuff hit home. Like you said, times where he couldn't or because I figured I'd cut him some slack.. I started doing everything .. and I guess it just became the norm.

 

I really want him to be more into things, because to me that also shows me how much he's putting into the relationships. He's really vocal about his feelings, and when I'm with him, i def feel it...but i'd love for his actions(initiative and effort) to show me that he cares or is invested in our relationship.

 

I realise i've also been too available.. to giving.. so his effort level significantly diminshed.. I'm trying to figure out how I can not be so THERE to him.. so he works a bit for my attention..and doesn't just think that when he's available... then he can give me attention cuz i'm always around sort of thing.

[nicki]

People do what works for them. And I think we often times slack off without realizing it because the other person is doing it for us. Until they give us a wake up call and call it to our attention.

 

It's important to explain to him how you interpret his behavior. Tell him when he doesn't put the effort in by doing (whatever), that you think that means (whatever) and makes you feel (whatever.)

 

You'd be surprised that he may not interpret the same behavior on your part meaning the same things. Couples don't always define things the same. So it's important to talk to him about what his behavior is saying to you.

 

To stop being so available, start off being nice. Say "I can't drive to see you. Can you come to me? I'd love to see you." If he can't or won't and you think he should be able to, then say "Okay, I'll miss you but I'll see you later."

 

If he is on the phone and not pulling his weight to make conversation, then say something like "Well, I'd really like to know what you think or feel about that." If he grunts and says "I dunno," then you say "Oh, really, okay. Listen, I've got to go now, but I'll talk to you later. Love you."

 

It might take him a while, but he will figure out that you are not so available to him when he's not putting in any effort. That's when you let him make an effort. If he becomes nice on the phone, simply talk to him longer. Don't go running after your keys and drive to him.

 

Make him come to you, and you will go to him.

 

As for making plans, don't make any for a while. Ask him "Hey, what do you want to do this weekend?" Give some of your own ideas, but let him go get the tickets, make reservations, etc.

 

Also, make plans with your friends, too. He will see that you are going out and doing things. He will want to compete for your time if he sees it is getting used up by people other than himself.

 

If all else fails, then casually mention the counter guy at Starbucks who always give you free coffee. If he asks you more about it, be completely innocent and simply say "Oh, I'm sure he doesn't mean anything about it. He probably doesn't know I have a boyfriend because I'm always in there by myself."

 

Kinda kidding about the above paragraph, but kinda not, too!