isntitironic Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Long story short a girl I was dating and screwd things up with is on the cusp of giving me another chance. Well maybe not quite that but a chance for a one on one in person and she knows what may come out of it. Basically she is on the cusp because she wants what we had back. But she is worried that we will never find middle ground again. She even said something like I (me) want it back but I don't want what it entails. What does that mean? OK I know what your gonna ask, "what went wrong?" long story short We've known eachother for years, kept her at arms length, she used to date my boss, I screwed it up because i put to much pressure on her because I wasn't sure how to handle the situation and if i was going to risk my job i needed imediate exclusivity and 100% sureness where it was going. Things got a little ugly. But thats almost irrelevant at this point, thats all in the past now. And she is trying to let go of it. Sometimes women can't help how they feel though. She is wondering if its possible for us to back to the beginning and if she can put the garbage behind her. I don't feel I am a controlling guy. It was just a situation I never dealt with before. Plus she didn't want to be responsible for losing my job. Basically my Boss was not a good boy friend to her. And I have a better job but stil invest with him. What do I say to her?
jcster Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I think you should say what you said here: that it was a situation you hadn't ever experienced before, and you didn't handle it well. That you're not a controlling guy and you'd like to put the past behind you if she's willing. Then, talk about the future and leave the past where it belongs. Also - do not bring up the ex.
uniqueone Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Let's see if I've got the facts straight.... She still works there She's no longer dating her boss You're no longer working there but you still invest in some manner with her boss Things between you and she had gotten ugly She's ambivalent about whether or not you two can go back to the beginning with one another due to the ugliness that occurred and the subsequent job loss You're wondering if you have a chance with her, going back to the beginning with things Er.....my answer is no, I don't think it can go back to the way it was. A few months ago, some guy that I went out with a few times kept pushing and pushing me for more of a relationship. I didn't want more. He still kept pushing and finally I had to become more forceful with my stand on things because he wasn't getting the message. When I did, he got nasty. He said some very nasty things to me and he did this when I was going through a very bad time (due to a previous guy). He knew how upset I had been feeling, when he said those things to me so that made it especially bad---my knowing that he knew how badly I was feeling to begin with. Over time, he tried to be nice again and get things back to at least friendship. I'm a very forgiving person and I like things to be peaceful between people and I'm usually likely to give into this and I almost did. But I knew it would happen again. Now.....my situation might be a bit different because I wasn't that attracted to him and I don't know how attracted she is to you. I also don't know what really happened between you two. But based on what you've said, I'm going to say that you can't go back to life before all of that happened. It's now a part of the history between you two. And just like the history books in school, you can't rewrite them. You can only move forward. But when you move forward, you can't deny that the past happened. Its impact will still be there. And frankly, with the tangled situation that is going on there...she dated her boss???......I'd steer clear of it just based upon that.
Author isntitironic Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 OK I see what your saying but you've got it a little twisted. She doesn't work with him. She wants nothing to do with him. hasn't dated him in two years. It was a awkward situation for me because I wasn't sure if I should have been loyal to him by staying away from her. This made me put more pressure on her because I was trying to determine if she was worth jeopardizing my relationship with him. Because he doesn't want anybody near her. He is kind of macho like that. After i made things complicated she became distant. Then I started to smother which pushed her further away and then i got frustrated and acted like a jerk one night. and yes she is attracted to me. So I understand your situation but its a little differnt but maybe she can't let go of the bad times but it seems like she wants too.
uniqueone Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 OK I see what your saying but you've got it a little twisted. She doesn't work with him. She wants nothing to do with him. hasn't dated him in two years. It was a awkward situation for me because I wasn't sure if I should have been loyal to him by staying away from her. This made me put more pressure on her because I was trying to determine if she was worth jeopardizing my relationship with him. Because he doesn't want anybody near her. He is kind of macho like that. After i made things complicated she became distant. Then I started to smother which pushed her further away and then i got frustrated and acted like a jerk one night. and yes she is attracted to me. So I understand your situation but its a little differnt but maybe she can't let go of the bad times but it seems like she wants too. So why not just try it and see?
Author isntitironic Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 OK I guess I will i guess basically i was here to see if people thought thats a good idea and how i should aproach things. How can I make her feel comfortable around me again? How can I get her to focus and the good and let go of the bad?
corazoncito Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I'm not sure I have all of the details straight, but it sounds like: 1) You fell for a woman your boss was dating. 2) They had a bad relationship and she developed feeling for you too. 3) You both didn't want to jeopardize your (isntitironic's) employment, so you initially didn't persue the relationship. (here's where it gets murky for me) 4) You later changed your mind and pursued a relationship with her, but discreetly, and you were a little insecure and demanding with her for immediate exclusivity due to the risk you were taking by dating your (still possessive) boss's ex? I agree with the others that if there is still interest between you two and you no longer work with the boss, it's worth giving it another try. I think you should explain to her what you've told us here. And ask her to give you a second chance, a clean start. However, I think it's a mistake to focus on "getting back what you had", because what you had sounds pretty stressful and tense. Instead I think you should both go into it with the mindset of moving slowly and getting to know one another again. It really is like a new relationship, even if you already dated. Enjoy it, slowly! Good luck!
yippkiyay Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 OK sounds good and yes i became insecure and pressured her because I was gauging whether or not the relationship was worth risking my career. But how do i get her to be comfortable with giving it another shot?
corazoncito Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Is Yippkiyay and Isntitironic the same person? I'm going to assume so. Like I said, it's not a matter of getting things back to where they were. I don't think either of you really wants to go there. You just simply have to start over (mostly) from scratch. Literally. You have to woo her. Ask her out (it sounds like she is open to meeting with you). Ask her if she would like to try dating again. Tell her you're sorry for the way you handled things and that you'd like to try again. See what her reaction is. Listen to her. Be as patient and respectful as you can be. Basically, take it one step at a time. And how she reacts to you will determine what your next step should be.
Author isntitironic Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 actualy yippkiyay is a friend of mine who has a similar situation. Its actually how we became friends. He got his girl back...kind of. He turned me on to this site and I accidently typed on his computer when he was logged in. anyways good advice thanx
Recommended Posts