boop-oop-a-doop Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I mean one that isn't in AA or something and still drinks. Is this always a bad idea? What can I expect? I've already noticed that he tries to get out of emotionally tough situations by drinking beforehand. Especially put-up-or-shut-up moments in his personal life. He has a great career and is responsible in other areas.
Citizen Erased Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 You can expect a whole range of things He could be emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, he can be depressed, he could not be affected at all. But if you think you can stop him from drinking then you are dead wrong.
Lizzie60 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I mean one that isn't in AA or something and still drinks. Is this always a bad idea? What can I expect? I've already noticed that he tries to get out of emotionally tough situations by drinking beforehand. Especially put-up-or-shut-up moments in his personal life. He has a great career and is responsible in other areas. I honestly don't understand why someone would want to date an alcoholic or a drug addict? really....
Author boop-oop-a-doop Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 But if you think you can stop him from drinking then you are dead wrong. I know enough about addictions not to bother trying. Sorry if that makes me seem coldblooded, but that's just how I feel.
Citizen Erased Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I know enough about addictions not to bother trying. Sorry if that makes me seem coldblooded, but that's just how I feel. It makes me question your the state of your mind if you have knowledge of this and it doesn't weigh in on your decision of whether or not to date an alcoholic. There is no point. Don't waste your life on someone when you will only be ever second best. Leave him to his alcohol and find someone who won't treat you like crap. And do it now before you are any more emotionally involved with him.
Author boop-oop-a-doop Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 I can see why you would say that. What I mean is that I know that that's something about him that I wouldn't be able to change, so there's no point in me addressing it. He already knows I think he drinks too much. But really I don't have any personal experience with alcoholics, just what I learned in school about them having to "want to change." He's just not there yet. So I was wondering what sorts of behaviors I could typically expect if we started dating.
Citizen Erased Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I can see why you would say that. What I mean is that I know that that's something about him that I wouldn't be able to change, so there's no point in me addressing it. He already knows I think he drinks too much. But really I don't have any personal experience with alcoholics, just what I learned in school about them having to "want to change." He's just not there yet. So I was wondering what sorts of behaviors I could typically expect if we started dating. We can't tell you for sure what he will be like. But I have lived with an alcoholic. He wasn't abusive until the end (he was my mothers partner btw). He had some severe mental health issues. He was on anti-depressants but drinking more then ever (alcohol being a depressant gee I wonder why they weren't working). He would yell, shout, throw things, was overly suspicious of everyone, he was emotionally abusive towards me and phsycially towards my mother. He was jealous, thought he was superior because he in his drunken stupor thought he knew everything. And then when he was sober, he was nice. But I don't remember those times, they were very few and far between. He either died of a heart attack at 51, or he killed himself, I'm not sure. Either way he deserves to rot in hell. You will potentially have to face this. Alcoholism is to be taken VERY seriously. If my bf of 3 years became one I would be out of there quick smart. You have no idea when he will come to accept he has a problem. And you will after he treats you bad enough, want him to change his ways. It is inevitable that you won't want alcohol to control your life. Not to mention you will be facing the fears for his health because of heart disease, liver diseases etc. I really hope you move on from this guy. In a way I feel sorry for him, but you are wasting your time on him.
tanbark813 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 My Dad drank every day that I can remember being alive until his liver gave out. He qualifies as an alcoholic though he never went to meetings or tried to curb his drinking. For a while it was just at night but then I caught him starting to sneak wine in soda cans into his car on the way to work in the morning. It only stopped when he got liver disease was told if he kept it up it would kill him. Being the practical guy he is, he quit cold turkey since he'd rather live. While a few late night conversations involved some slurring words and the typical kind of forgetfulness that alcohol-fueled conversations include, he was never abusive towards me or my mom (though she did quite a bit of drinking herself). By and large he was a good dad and continues to be a good father. He just spent a little more time boozing than he should have. Not to downplay or belittle your experience, dc. But not all alcoholics are evil abusers who deserve to rot in hell. I just take a little bit of personal offense when someone makes that implication.
Citizen Erased Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 My Dad drank every day that I can remember being alive until his liver gave out. He qualifies as an alcoholic though he never went to meetings or tried to curb his drinking. For a while it was just at night but then I caught him starting to sneak wine in soda cans into his car on the way to work in the morning. It only stopped when he got liver disease was told if he kept it up it would kill him. Being the practical guy he is, he quit cold turkey since he'd rather live. While a few late night conversations involved some slurring words and the typical kind of forgetfulness that alcohol-fueled conversations include, he was never abusive towards me or my mom (though she did quite a bit of drinking herself). By and large he was a good dad and continues to be a good father. He just spent a little more time boozing than he should have. Not to downplay or belittle your experience, dc. But not all alcoholics are evil abusers who deserve to rot in hell. I just take a little bit of personal offense when someone makes that implication. Sorry if I offended. I did say in my original post that not everyone if affected in the same way. Your experience is different to mine, so obviously we will have different views. I didn't mean ALL alcoholics are like that, but unfortunately not enough are like your dad
tanbark813 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 It's cool. And yeah, there are definitely a range of behaviors.
jcster Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Is this always a bad idea? How could it be a good idea? If you have to ask yourself this, then you are in a position to not do it...so don't. What can I expect? As Tanbark pointed out, there are ranges of behavior. My parents were violent, abusive, neglectful drunks...but I have seen the other kind, like his dad. In general though, alcoholism is an addiction. This means that they can't or won't stop their behavior until the consequences of continuing are so dire that they get scared and stop. Some never do, some try and fail over and over again. Addictions are progressive. This means that the longer they do it, the worse that they get. A great example is Tan's dad who went from a nightly drinker to a morning drinker. Once they've lost control over their consumption, then serious issues of self-hate and denial become more pronounced. I've already noticed that he tries to get out of emotionally tough situations by drinking beforehand. Especially put-up-or-shut-up moments in his personal life. Even more important than what an alcoholic does to themselves is their effect on those around them. Imagine being in a relationship with someone who can't deal with their emotions without a drink in their hand. Who's going to be there for you through the tough times? Not him...he's already got his ol buddy alcohol to get him through it. Alcoholics check out when the going gets rough. Seriously...it's not something that you would ever want to do willingly. I would take a pass on him for your own sake. He has a great career and is responsible in other areas. There's a saying in recovery circles that addiction is a series of "yets." "Well, at least he hasn't lost his job"....yet "Well, he hasn't ever been caught driving drunk"...yet "He's never flipped out on me for criticizing his drinking"....yet And so on. Take a look around the internet, there are tons of resources for loved ones of alcoholics. Read what they have to say and then decide if this is an adventure you want to undertake.
riverbender Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Bad idea? uhm, well it is if you want to have a relationship with this person. Actually, it's probably a bad idea even if you just want a friend with benefits. What can you expect? To be a mistress. Drinking is the alcoholic's first (and only) love. Drinking is the top priority. It comes before you, the kids, himself, his job, sex. Everything. Been there done that for 19 years. Trust me, it's kinda not too fun.
Author boop-oop-a-doop Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Thanks everyone for your answers so far. I've also spent some time looking at sites about dealing with family members with alcoholism as suggested. Here's a couple of details that I didn't mention, though. I wonder if they would impact people's opinions. I'm far from "normal" myself. After getting out of an abusive relationship, I started to have serious issues coping and he went out of his way to watch out for me and care for me. Poor guy had to put up with all sorts of crap from me (multiple suicide attempts, one of which he had to intervene on himself, dissociative epsiodes, etc.) during that time period, but stuck by me and did his best. He's shown in other ways that he's a "caretaker" type too. He's also had to watch as his family was destroyed by alchoholism, and lost both parents to it in different ways at young ages. He's aware that he has a problem, and even went to the doctor once after I discussed it with him. (Can you believe that this doctor told him that if he could go for 30 days without drinking, there was no problem?! He did it, and is still aware that there is.) He's come up with various plans to keep himself out of trouble, and tries to be fairly responsible.
amaysngrace Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 My BF is an alcoholic. I thought long and hard "do I really wanna go there?" before I decided to become involved with him. Turns out he's a human. He's not perfect. He's got this thing about drinking. And I must admit at times it really sucks. But on the other hand he's a great guy. He treats me well. He values me as a person. He accepts me as I am because ours is a loving, respectful and accepting type of relationship. And I'm smart enough to recognize that all his good traits far exceed this one thing bad. Plus you gotta love that whiskey dick!
Cheery Cherry Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Alcoholics come in all different sizes, shapes, and forms. I had a friend who was an alcoholic. Very caring, worked long hours as a photographer, loved his wife, his son and his dogs - oh and baseball games. He owned a home and a couple of cars and a studio. All paid for. He was the most giving person I have ever met. He would never hurt anyone but he drank...at least a 12-pack a night...at least. His wife was very abusive to him and she broke his heart the whole time they were married. I miss him. I ex-boyfriend who drank anything and everything with alcohol was extremely abusive in every way. He was in and out of jail for minor stuff and always fighting. He was also very possessive and would punch me in the face if he saw me even looking towards a man that he felt threatened by *shrugs*. That was years ago and since then, I would never "date" an alcoholic. I don't diss on them, I don't judge them, I don't hold any grudges...but to share my life with them? Uh-uh, no way...I don't think so.
Author boop-oop-a-doop Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 That first guy sounds like "my" guy. You wouldn't have wanted to date him either? Why not?
Art_Critic Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 An Alcoholic is in a relationship with his booze and it will always be number 1... If a person is drunk then they are basically emotionally unavailable to you at the time they are under the influence... If your husband or father is drunk and on the couch while he may be there physically he certainly isn't involved with life in a truly functioning way.. he has numbed himself to the point where he feels he can handle life.. I personally would never in a million years be involved with an alcoholic.. since I am an alcoholic I am privy to the inner workings of what we are all about while drinking.. and it isn't pretty.. I'm also privy to the emotional damage I have caused my loved ones with my drinking..that also isn't pretty.. I hurt many people who loved me while I drank...
Cheery Cherry Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I guess I wouldn't wanted to date him because I didn't want to "take care" of him. He did have a lot of health issues due to drinking. I would want a partner...not a child to take care of. Besides, because I don't drink on a regular basis, I would've ended up turning into a nagging partner, which I am not. You know, I know plenty of "alcoholics" (most of them married) who function in a normal way. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with being in a relationship with someone who has a few drinks after work as long as his drinking doesn't destroy the relationship or puts the alcohol on the top of the priority list or rob you of your personality. Everyone has a vice. Just keep your eyes open...just like you would with any man that you meet.
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