Emotional Trance I cannot break-spiralling depression out of control

[so gutted]

OK - I really am in a state of depression. An emotional trance. I havnt been going to work and im not physically ill - myabe mentally.

 

Usually a tough cookie (on the outside) but now its all got to me and i cant step out of these weird trance.

 

I cant break old habits. A few months ago I was so BORED and fed up of life and mates not being avilable that I contacted an old "flame"/ Some of you may remember him. I met him last year and got drunk and then hounded him.....not a good start.

 

I intiated it all and he was only too please to meet me in a hotel room etc etc.

 

We didnt have sex but i did stay the night.

 

I had no regrets. For a while he was ok, he contacted me (he wasnt tooo good at this) and we met again 3 times.

 

Then he went dead quiet.

 

for 2 months I left it and the I contacted him again.We met again ( it was on his terms). Only this time he was a bit offhand. after 20 mins he received a call and more or less asked me to leave ( said it was his U-S office etc) . i was not happy - i felt very humilated.Not only because he was asking me to leave but because he asked me when he had just "come".

 

After this i didnt receive any text messages saying sorry.

 

You would think i had learnt my lesson - while out there in the cold. but 4 days later i texted him and had a go at him for being so disrespectful. He said sorry ...and it was bad timing.

 

He replied to my texts polietly enough but that was it - i more or less asked for an apology.

 

Since then i have expected him to call - i just wanted to pick up some of my self respect - but NOTHING.

 

This isnt the only reason i am out of myself. I have lately joined a few clubs etc to meet more WOMEN - as a way to get over this creep and to do something ....but i have found that the women form their own cliques and even exclude me after 1 or 2 events.

 

I am really down. Its all affecting my work and a good day is when i havnt texted that creep.

 

Why do i still feel the need to see him when he clearly doesnt wnat to see me - even when i arrive on his doorstep.

 

I CANNOT POST ON HERE EVEN THOUGH IT ALLOWS ME TO LOG IN - PLEASE PASTE THIS INTO THE DATING SECTION I REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE.

[so gutted]

As i cannot find any friends that will stick with me, i am back on the same sites trying to get over this creep with another man. I dont know how else to get over this.

 

How could i stoop so low.

 

His excuse for not contacting me was he was busy at work.

 

I odnt believ this - yet i wnet back for more.

 

He is rude, disrespectful an arrogent but i want him.

[so gutted]

can somebody please respond?

[spookie]

I think it isn't HIM you are trying to get over (because, let's face it, you don't even KNOW him) as much as the humiliation of that whole experience.

 

But ya know... to move on you just have to move on. And in this case there's nothing else you can do.

 

To contact him for more is only going to make you hate yourself further, so put that out of your head.

 

You sound very obsessive so I understand that it's hard to just stop thinking about it, especially seeing as how you have no job and no friends to occupy your mind and time with, but you must stop.

 

Your priorities need to be on your life.

 

Get some therapy (you OBVIOUSLY need it... why aren't you getting it?), get some friends (if these woman circles aren't working out for you, join some new ones. maybe a group therapy session or something? kill two birds with one stone), start going to work.

[Cheery Cherry]

*Sigh* That's what it is...like Spookie said, you have too much time on your hands. Nothing else is taking up your time so you are drowning yourself in this awful situation. No matter how much you try, you won't find what you are looking for in this man (what you are looking for is something only you can give to yourself) so your only option is to let him go. It may be driving you insane right now but it will get better with time. It may help for you to get some professional help.

[so gutted]

what can i do?

 

I have tried counselling before. The counsellors just tend to do what their books tell them too, get paid and dont really help.

 

I have gone back to work ( i do have a job!) and i feel a bit better BUT I still keep checking my phone in case he texts me. I also know deep down there is 0.001% chance of this happening.

 

I know what he did was very wrong ( and my part was shameful) but why am i still expecting a call. why am i stopping myself from contacting him?

 

When did i get to a stage where my self respect and dignity weNt out of the window?

 

if female friends treat me like this - i wouldnt tolerate it - i might forgive but i would definetly make them see why i am angry.

 

In this case we never did have a relationship and now i am beginning to see why fk buddies is not my thing.

 

I joined adult friend finder - to get over him but i cant allow myself to do this again.....

 

how do i move on?

 

HOW

[nicki]

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. Simply by being aware that you deserve better than this, you are already on your way to getting over him.

 

He's a jerk and you know it. Good! Then you are not in denial and now you can actively move forward.

 

First, delete his phone number from your phone. Do it. Next, only check your phone twice a day. Do this for a few days, then cut it down to once a day. Then next week, stop checking your phone at all.

 

If he does call, delete his message without listening to it. It doesn't matter what he says. You don't want to get sucked back in by any temporary sweet words used to control you.

 

Instead of trying to make friends, find something you want to do. Something that sounds fun. Yoga class? Book club? Mountain Biking organization? Make it about you finding some fun new activities...You will make friends there.

 

Good luck. You will be fine. Without him. You already are, you just don't know it yet...but you will!

[so gutted]

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. Simply by being aware that you deserve better than this, you are already on your way to getting over him]

 

I wish i was getting over him - but i tried deleting the number before - only to call the phone provider to get it back....

 

I didnt know him well and what i did see wasnt too nice - but he was a good lover..........

 

I know it sounds illy but even that feeling he created - even for that time only made me "happy"

 

i think I am doing this to punish myself for not having any friends...as a substitute.

 

I really crave and want a friend - a female freind to go out with etc BUT all the single ones are all desperatly meeting men of the net - they dont wnat the singlehood.

 

im scared that one month later i am still waiting for him....

 

he hasnt spared me a thought yet i pine for him.

 

When will this get better/

 

have u done this before nikki?

[so gutted]

Also - he promise me things such as helping me with a few jobs etc..he also said he would make this up to me...

 

he also said i look great

 

so - WAS THIS ALL LIES?????

[nicki]

Yeah, I've done it before. Haven't we all? It's so hard, but it's more about your ability to let go of a bad situation than it is about this guy.

 

The best thing I learned was to not go to the person who hurt you for comfort.

 

Continue to detach from him. That can be very difficult when the sex was good. But, sex isn't enough, as you know. He has to be a good guy, too. And he isn't.

 

As for the nice things he did say about you, they were and are true. Don't doubt yourself. You are wonderful.

 

But, don't let this guy help you find a job or anything else. Don't let him be in your life in any way.

 

Get your focus off him and back on yourself. This is not about him. It's about you. Maybe you keep picking emotionally unavailable guys for a reason. I know I did at one time.

 

When I realized that my mom had been emotionally unavailable, as well as my ex hubby and probably all the men I "loved," then I learned it was MY dysfunction. I was creating a situation over and over again that couldn't be resolved by partnering with someone who couldn't be an equal and reciprocal partner.

 

Now, I will only love someone who is emotionally open, able to love and able to communicate what's going on with him and what he needs. If he can't, then I don't take any further action that would bond me to him. I detach my energy from him.

 

Keep the focus on you. What do you need right now?

[so gutted]

im not sure i make the connection? why do i pick guys that are unattainable/not interested in a relationship from the start ( just fk buddies etc)

 

what could be the point?

[Lishy]

How long do you wait before having sex with a new guy???????