autumnsky Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Hi, this is my first post on this forum...so nice to "meet" everyone! I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he is everything that I want in a partner. The only problem that I have had for the majority of our relationship, is his lack of interest in sexual activity. He is very intimate in the sense that he likes to cuddle and hug, but that is about it. We have talked about it on multiple occasions and he told me that he is like this because he is not comfortable with his body and that he is working on it. I understand this and am willing to wait for him to become comfortable with himself, but it seems like he is not really putting in any effort and his whole attitude towards sex is condescending. He has even told me in the past that I am shallow to care about sex. Anyway, my concern is that he just does not value the sexual component of a relationship the way I do, and it is causing me to become bored and to wonder if things could be better with someone else. I would never consider cheating on him but even the thought of it makes me anxious and unsure what to do. Has anyone been in a similar situation and if so, do you have any advice for me?
amaysngrace Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Hi. Nice to meet you, you poor frustrated woman. I'd say try a new approach. Be more into him. Tell him you love his body when he starts downing himself. Tell him you love to f^ck him. Nothing feels so good to you as when he's f^cking you. Get him all horned up by talking to him first. And then start kissing him and licking him all over. If that doesn't work then I'd say RUN to the nearest exit.
Lizzie60 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Hi, this is my first post on this forum...so nice to "meet" everyone! I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he is everything that I want in a partner. The only problem that I have had for the majority of our relationship, is his lack of interest in sexual activity. He is very intimate in the sense that he likes to cuddle and hug, but that is about it. We have talked about it on multiple occasions and he told me that he is like this because he is not comfortable with his body and that he is working on it. I understand this and am willing to wait for him to become comfortable with himself, but it seems like he is not really putting in any effort and his whole attitude towards sex is condescending. He has even told me in the past that I am shallow to care about sex. Anyway, my concern is that he just does not value the sexual component of a relationship the way I do, and it is causing me to become bored and to wonder if things could be better with someone else. I would never consider cheating on him but even the thought of it makes me anxious and unsure what to do. Has anyone been in a similar situation and if so, do you have any advice for me? RUN!!!!! 2 years???? you're kidding.. he's got plenty of time to feel comfortable with you.. that's BS... he's just not sexual... period. It won't get any better IF you marry him... Sex, IMO is just as important as food... so if you don't want to starve.. leave him... it won't work anyway ... if you think he'll eventually changed... it won't happen.
amaysngrace Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Oh Lizzie, we are shaped from the same stone!
Lizzie60 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Oh Lizzie, we are shaped from the same stone! LOL... we are! I think she already tried your 'advice' but I doubt nothing will work... when they're not into sex... not much can be done... it sucks! I doubt he will ever change.
amaysngrace Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I doubt he will ever change. My friends got married w/o much sex when they were dating. She thought it would change when they got married. Now all she does is bitch about never getting laid. It's become a huge problem for her. But they have a daughter and he's a good dad so she sacrifices the sex. I think that's sad.
Author autumnsky Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 Thank you girls lol...trust me, I would have ended things a long time ago if he wasn't perfect in every other way. He's hot (his whole confidence thing is in his head), intelligent, worships me but isn't a push over, etc... Also we both live with our parents still, so opportunities are far and few in between...I'm waiting for him to move out later this year and praying that he will loosen up. My thing is that I feel sooo guilty about thinking about other guys and what it would be like to be with them instead. I feel like I shouldn't even look at other guys...but I guess its human nature, especially because I'm not fully satisfied. I'm trying to stick it out for now. :S
amaysngrace Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I think low-sex drive could be a medical problem. One that gets fixed by a doctor? One could only hope...
Lizzie60 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Thank you girls lol...trust me, I would have ended things a long time ago if he wasn't perfect in every other way. He's hot (his whole confidence thing is in his head), intelligent, worships me but isn't a push over, etc... Also we both live with our parents still, so opportunities are far and few in between...I'm waiting for him to move out later this year and praying that he will loosen up. My thing is that I feel sooo guilty about thinking about other guys and what it would be like to be with them instead. I feel like I shouldn't even look at other guys...but I guess its human nature, especially because I'm not fully satisfied. I'm trying to stick it out for now. :S Methink that if you ever get an occasion to have sex with a hottie.. you will... and maybe you should. If the guy is perfect in all other ways...oh well.. Just don't have kids until you are sure what you want to do with him.
Author autumnsky Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 I think low-sex drive could be a medical problem. One that gets fixed by a doctor? One could only hope... I hope, I pray.
curiousnycgirl Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I had this issue with my b/f so I know where you are! He would always tells me it's him not me, but I would not believe him and it made me feel very unattractive, etc. I finally hit the wall with it after 2 years - and initially broke up with him. While breaking up I explained that I loved him and that leaving him was very hurtful to me, but that his rejection was not something I could take anymore. Well I then cried for a week! Called him and asked only 1 question - would he be willing to see a therapist. The BEST move I ever made. We overcame that issue in only a few short weeks. He is still seeing the therapist, and it continues to help both him and our relationship immeasurably. We are stronger and better than ever
Author autumnsky Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 Methink that if you ever get an occasion to have sex with a hottie.. you will... and maybe you should. If the guy is perfect in all other ways...oh well.. Just don't have kids until you are sure what you want to do with him. We're nowhere near being married/having kids, because hes 22 and I'm 20. I don't think I would cheat on him because I respect him too much, but I am considering ending things if he doesn't put an effort in to boosting his confidence.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 You have incompatible sex drives. That's a big problem. It sounds like sex is important to you in a relationship and you aren't getting it. It's very caring and sweet to remain in the relationship, but I think that the fact that you are looking at other guys means that you aren't into the relationship anymore. You said you would never cheat on him, that's awesome and it certainly isn't the answer to your problem. It will probably make things worse. I think you need to have a serious talk with him. You need to tell him that you do love him and value your relationship, but you view sex as an important part of a relationship. I agree with the other posters that I don't think this is going to get better. Your going to get more and more pissed off and resentful as the relationship goes on, and will most likely project this to your bf making you both miserable. I think you need to find somoene with a similar sex drive to yours. Oh and I'm sure you know that you are NOT shallow for wanting sex. It's a basic human need.
tanbark813 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 It's interesting--but not altogether surprising--that the female posters are much more empathetic of a woman not getting enough sex than a man not getting enough sex.
oppath Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 It's interesting--but not altogether surprising--that the female posters are much more empathetic of a woman not getting enough sex than a man not getting enough sex. Hmmm....I think if it were a man not getting enough sex, such as only getting laid once a week and wanting more, I get the feeling that women may claim "you aren't meeting her needs" or something like that and being mad at him for not discovering the root of the problem. I'd agree that seeing a therapist is a good idea. Young people are so scared of that, as if they must be a failure. It does not mean that. I'd identify how you truly feel, using feeling words. Do you fee unattractive and undersirable? Words like that. Just saying you need more sex will put the pressure on him. He needs to understand why it is difficult for you, and I doubt it is because you want more orgasms. You want to be desired sexually because it makes you feel attractive, sexual, and ultimately makes you feel more close and affectionate with him. That is what you want. I would say that sex is a reason for a break up. I'd rather not get laid at all than not have my sexual needs met, which are really intimacy needs, within a relationship.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 It's interesting--but not altogether surprising--that the female posters are much more empathetic of a woman not getting enough sex than a man not getting enough sex. Most men's view is that women are stupid biatches when they withhold sex (usually on purpose, not because of low sex drives) so I think it's obvious why female posters would not be real empathic about this type of problem in a male. However, the original poster is not putting down her bf or saying nasty things about him, she is actually remaining in the relationship because she loves him! I suppose its all about the posters attitude about the issue (male or female) which generates a specific response.
oppath Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 But if a man were to say "I love my gf in every way but we only have sex once a week" the responses probably would be "that is just something you will have to deal with" and if he suggested breaking up with her because of it, I doubt he'd receive much empathy. When the woman is in this situation, it is "I understand, that is a reason to consider a breakup." I think there is a difference. The solution, however, are the same regardless of gender, and the feelings, feeling like you aren't attractive or desired, are the same. I want a woman to want me sexually because within a romantic relationship, it means "you as a person make me happy and I desire you for my sexual happiness because of the general happiness you give me." Mating with me, within romantic love, is the ultimate expression of desire for me as a person. I personally need sex 3 times week, yes, need, or I feel unattractive or undesired or underappreciated. It's not the sex that is the need, it is the intimacy that comes with it.
Author autumnsky Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 I had this issue with my b/f so I know where you are! He would always tells me it's him not me, but I would not believe him and it made me feel very unattractive, etc. I finally hit the wall with it after 2 years - and initially broke up with him. While breaking up I explained that I loved him and that leaving him was very hurtful to me, but that his rejection was not something I could take anymore. Well I then cried for a week! Called him and asked only 1 question - would he be willing to see a therapist. The BEST move I ever made. We overcame that issue in only a few short weeks. He is still seeing the therapist, and it continues to help both him and our relationship immeasurably. We are stronger and better than ever Exactly! It makes me feel rejected and unattractive and leads me to take out my resentment on him in other ways. Not healthy. I think a therapist would be a good idea because I it is not that he completely lacks interest in sex, it is just that when it does happen, he is so self-conscious that there is not way we can enjoy it. Thank you.
tanbark813 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Hmmm....I think if it were a man not getting enough sex, such as only getting laid once a week and wanting more, I get the feeling that women may claim "you aren't meeting her needs" or something like that and being mad at him for not discovering the root of the problem. Agreed, but you wouldn't hear any females advising to "RUN". Most men's view is that women are stupid biatches when they withhold sex (usually on purpose, not because of low sex drives) so I think it's obvious why female posters would not be real empathic about this type of problem in a male. Always the man's fault, isn't it?
amaysngrace Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 It's interesting--but not altogether surprising--that the female posters are much more empathetic of a woman not getting enough sex than a man not getting enough sex. It's because women can get sex whenever with whoever. Men don't have that luxury.
Storyrider Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I am in a marriage where the sex has been broken since day one, never worked. In our case I am the reluctant one. Don't expect this to work itself out. This is a relationship issue, between two people. Both of you need to be involved in the solution. You will have to actively fix it before going deeper into the relationship. If you can't, I would get out. It is that important.
Author autumnsky Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 You have incompatible sex drives. That's a big problem. It sounds like sex is important to you in a relationship and you aren't getting it. It's very caring and sweet to remain in the relationship, but I think that the fact that you are looking at other guys means that you aren't into the relationship anymore. You said you would never cheat on him, that's awesome and it certainly isn't the answer to your problem. It will probably make things worse. I think you need to have a serious talk with him. You need to tell him that you do love him and value your relationship, but you view sex as an important part of a relationship. I agree with the other posters that I don't think this is going to get better. Your going to get more and more pissed off and resentful as the relationship goes on, and will most likely project this to your bf making you both miserable. I think you need to find somoene with a similar sex drive to yours. Oh and I'm sure you know that you are NOT shallow for wanting sex. It's a basic human need. Thank you for being understanding...the thing is that I am not willing to give up all that we have worked on until I am a 100% sure that he is just not interested in sex, as opposed to being self-conscious. I really, really hope its the latter...but you are right, I get offended when he tells me that sex is a part of a relationship, but not a huge one, and makes me feel shallow. I think the only positive thing is that I want to deal with this now and either solve the problem or move on...I seriously don't get how people spend their entire lives married to someone with no interest in sex, its sad.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Always the man's fault, isn't it? In my experience, hell yeah!
tanbark813 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 In my experience, hell yeah! Thank you for proving my point.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Thank you for being understanding...the thing is that I am not willing to give up all that we have worked on until I am a 100% sure that he is just not interested in sex, as opposed to being self-conscious. I really, really hope its the latter...but you are right, I get offended when he tells me that sex is a part of a relationship, but not a huge one, and makes me feel shallow. I think the only positive thing is that I want to deal with this now and either solve the problem or move on...I seriously don't get how people spend their entire lives married to someone with no interest in sex, its sad. I agree. Like other people said, you may want to try to get some counseling. That way you might at least find out if this is a problem that can be fixed or not. I'm a counselor myself, and in my experience chances of working out problems are much greater when both individuals are willing to try to work it out. Is he willing to deal with this issue? Sounds like he is not taking responsibility, and turning the whole thing around on you. Probably not helping the situation.
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