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Posted

my boyfriend has been acting really weird lately. he doesn't really seem to like being alone with me, whenever we do something like go to the movies or go eat he always has to bring some other mutual friend along. also he only likes to have sex at his place, but hasn't invited me over (or in much farther than the foyer) in a long time.

 

he's very good friends with my roommate who's a girl, they aren't sleeping together (i'm sure, but i thought they were for a while) and he will talk to her about his dreams and worries and all sorts of things like that.

this has made me feel like i'm good enough to have sex with, but not to talk to, and it really hurts. i told him how i feel and he said "it's because i consider you a more permanent person, everyone else is disposible, when i throw them away i get all my secrets back" so pretty much he's saying he doesn't want mt to get too close or get to know him too well, and i know him very well already. and to my worries about him cheating (i was worrying more about emotional) he says i need to grow up and be a stronger person who doesn't need him. he said he'll love me when i'm independent and don't care about him. he says he has problems connecting with people, but he isn't even trying with me.

 

our 5 year anniversary is coming up this weekend, i got him a gift but i don't really feel like giving it to him.

 

i don't think i'm being that needy, i used to be really needy in high school, but i grew out of it mostly. the reason i got upset was because he didn't even tell me when he was graduating, but he had discussed all his future plans and everything with this other person. he doesn't seem to understand that certain information should just be shared between people who are seriously dating! i don't want to know everything, i just want our lives to intersect more! he wants total separate lives, and to me that's just a hollow commitment and not a relationship.

 

since he doesn't talk to me about much i feel like less than a friend to him, and that's why i feel so neglected. i don't know what to do, it's hard to convince him he's not in the right and if i start to shed tears he takes me even less seriously, what should i do? right now i'm just sort of taking some space, though by tonight he will have gathered all OUR friends to do something then invite me last.

am i too reliable or something???

Posted

He has told you how he wants you to be, and what *he* wants.

 

But What do you want?

How are your needs being fulfilled? It must be hard after 5 years to see him open up to virtual strangers, then admit to you he basically has a fear of intimacy, therefore unless you act like a stranger who is *disposable*, he will not open up to you.

 

What? How does this fit in with what you want? You need to figure out what message this is confirming to you about yourself.

 

This reminds me of a story of the man who tends his neighbor's lawn, buys sugar and meat for their empty cupboards, looks after their children, but completely neglects his own house and family.

 

Why? Maybe because connecting with strangers created a temporary gratification that the long haul with his own family could not fill. But what do you get out of it?

Posted

I totally agree with Squeak, but was going to say it in summary -

 

why are you with him? you have not written anything positive in your post. what keeps you with this man?

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Posted

i'm still with him because we're highschool sweethearts and each other's firsts for everything, i admire his ambition and he always pushes me to work hard and aim high, though sometimes i feel like he's pushing me to be something he wants.

he wants me to go to med school, which i considered but i didn't think i was smart enough for it. he never stops believing in me and it's really nice to have that support.

he used to be a lot more willing with his emotions, but this detachment is has happened more in the last year with him talking to several (temporary) people.

we have compatible personalities, and we're overall very good friends (even if i don't feel like it)

i feel very taken for granted, i know that in a relationship you need that stability but he's been acting like i'll always be around no matter what he does. i try to treat him the way i'd like to be treated, because that's how i act around people i respect.

he's told me that if i want him then i need to pull away, and that would make me more attractive.

what i want is someone i can talk to whose my lover and my best friend, i want to be able to trust each other enough to say anything we want (but we don't have to say everything!)

i like him as a person, it's the emotional connection that is suffering. his solution is for me to need it less, my solution was to give me what i need.

Posted

That changes everything that this change happened in the last year, and he was not like that before. This is important : "he used to be a lot more willing with his emotions, but this detachment is has happened more in the last year with him talking to several (temporary) people. "

 

From my detached vantage point, I can tell you he is withdrawing from you. Why is this? I don't know.

 

At the 5 year point he is playing with fire to see what it is like to have you need him less.

 

That sounds crazy. It does not bode well that he wants less from you at such a deep point in your relationship. That is not normal.

 

I think it is like pushing you away so he can kick start the need to pull you back. Or to see if he can keep pulling away, and be okay with it. You are not a puppet. But you do need to listen to what he is saying and not do the "woman script" by telling him what you want him to do, and ignore his words.

 

Listen to what he is saying-of course he knows this is not okay!

 

Maybe he is slowly withdrawing from the relationship and feeding you BS to cover up what he is doing.

 

Essentially, he is wanting space and expressing to you that he needs you to give it to him. I don't think you can convince him that this is not what you would do, therfore he shouldn't either.

 

He is telling you what he wants, you are telling him, neither wants what the other wants, something has to give.

 

You have 2 options-keep on with what you want, and see the relationship dissolve more because he is not going to give it willingly anymore.

 

Or pull back, far. Give it to him. That will take courage, because you are doing it in the hopes he will bounce back to how he was 1 year before.

 

let him see what it would be like to not have you around. Take a trip, go somewhere-can you get away for a month or 2? It seems otherwise he will slowly withdraw within the relationship anyways if you don't.

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