New Guy is TOO Enthusiastic

[Capricciosa]

I've sort of started getting to know someone, have been on one "date" and now I am being barraged by emails, by declarations of feeling, by art, by writing. This is freaking me out a little. I like the guy, but I'm not sure what the possibility of a relationship really is--basically because he is still a stranger. We do seem to have lots in common, could talk for hours on end, but all this exuberance is making me shut down. I was really burned in my last relationship and feel the need to really proceed with caution. How can I put this across without absolutely alienating someone I might indeed grow very fond of if I was given a chance to breathe? Has anyone been through this before?

[Lovegod]

Guess what? It won't change.

 

Can you put up with the large influx of disgusting sweetness, or it is going to piss you off?

 

Like I've said in the past, romance is a spice that makes a relationship better; it shouldn't be the main course. This guy has learned from society that women love a bit of salt with their meal, so he's giving you a plate full of salt.

[Art_Critic]

Try this..

 

Don't reply to his emails until later on.. maybe even the next day and ignore most of them..

He should get the hint..

 

some guys just don't pay attention to the basic rule I have always used.. I have always paced my emails off of theirs.. If she sends 2 emails a day then I send 2.. if she only replies to one then I only send one.. once the relationship takes off then things can get more informal..

 

If he doesn't stop then just tell him to only mail you once in a while that you don't like to be that tied to you email where you have to check it all day...

[Lizzie60]

I've sort of started getting to know someone, have been on one "date" and now I am being barraged by emails, by declarations of feeling, by art, by writing. This is freaking me out a little. I like the guy, but I'm not sure what the possibility of a relationship really is--basically because he is still a stranger. We do seem to have lots in common, could talk for hours on end, but all this exuberance is making me shut down. I was really burned in my last relationship and feel the need to really proceed with caution. How can I put this across without absolutely alienating someone I might indeed grow very fond of if I was given a chance to breathe? Has anyone been through this before?

 

About 10 years ago I had my first encounter with a much younger guy... He was like that... too excited, too interested... LOL

 

He was a 'car' guy.. so the next day we met... he wanted to come and clean my car.. wax my car... tint the windows of my car... etc..etc...

 

He was all over me... for about a month... even when I told him I didn't want him to contact me when I had my son... he wouldn't listen... we 'dated' for about a month, extensively... had sex a whole lot... then nothing... he stopped calling... never heard back from him... he got married the next year... LOL He was 27... I don't know if this is typical from young guys... how old is your guy?

[Kamille]

Yeah me me! The guy I am currently with really came on strong at first and I really didn't know how to go about it. I basically ended up telling him (because he asked) that I had decided, based on past experience, that I wanted to take things slow.

 

He tried to respect it but still kept coming on strong. It felt like the fact that I was trying to stay grounded enabled him to just really lay it on thick. Meanwhile I just didn't understand how a complete stranger could say and do the things he would say and do. I tried talking to friends about this and all they would say was : well don't you think you're worth it?

 

To me that wasn't the point. Of course I deserve love and I am worth it, I just didn't understand how he could promise so much so soon when we hardly knew each other. Now I think part of his enthusiasm is attributable to the fact that my guy really doesn't suffer from any self-esteem issues, and just pretty much knew he had a lot to offer. (Which still leaves me wondering how he could decide so fast that I was the one he wanted to offer it to).

 

In fact, I still wonder if maybe we're not rushing things. I mean, you never get back the thrill of discovering someone new.

 

I also used to wonder if maybe he wasn't this enthusiastic with every women he met. He assures me he's never rushed like that before - which I somewhat find hard to believe.

 

But I like him. He treats me wonderfully and I've decided that, for the time being, I will simply cast my fears aside enjoy everything he has to offer.

 

Last thing. If indeed he is worth your time, I doubt you will walk away.

[Stereogram]

I enjoy being somewhat smothered...especially if it's girl I REALLY REALLY like.

 

If someone smothers me and I'm only somewhat interested in them...it's a huge turn off. Especially when they can't grasp that I'm not reciprocating the emotion back to them.

 

What kind of feedback have you been giving to this guy? Is he getting the hint?

 

Artwork and poetry always seemed very lame to me....no matter what stage of the relationship you are in. I'm surprised guys are still crazy enough to do this.

[Lovegod]

we 'dated' for about a month, extensively... had sex a whole lot... then nothing... he stopped calling... never heard back from him... he got married the next year... LOL He was 27... I don't know if this is typical from young guys

 

He desperately NEEDED a relationship to make his life complete, and you weren't giving him one. That's pretty typical with men who shower you with attention, stinky flowers, cheesy love poetry, and goofy stuffed animals. They need to jump into relationships, get married, and live happily ever after as quick as possible or else they're losers.

[Lizzie60]

He desperately NEEDED a relationship to make his life complete, and you weren't giving him one. That's pretty typical with men who shower you with attention, stinky flowers, cheesy love poetry, and goofy stuffed animals. They need to jump into relationships, get married, and live happily ever after as quick as possible or else they're losers.

 

I think that's a good point... some guys do need to get married asap or else they miss their life, according to them... LOL

 

I've known a few guys like that.. quite pathetic really... Not sure about my young stud though... he sure was a 'hunk' one of my 3 best looking guys I've seen...

[Lovegod]

he sure was a 'hunk'

 

A hunk of what?

[Capricciosa]

Thanks folks, for all your thoughts.

 

The guy is an adult, in his late 40s about to hit the big 5-0. I have told him that I need space and a chance to explore my own feeiings. I have told him I don't really know what this will turn into. He has a lot of things going for him in terms of the kind of guy I would want in my life; super-intelligent, creative, great conversationalist, and opposed to a lot of guys I have fallen for in the past, he is (seemingly) available. But I am not so smitten that I am planning my future yet. I used to do this, and it never really worked out, and the last time I ended up with a handsome and charming liar, cheater, freeloader. I'm not saying that this guy is that guy. He is just someone interesting that I've met, who could be something down the line. I'd like to fall in love with a real person next time round, not my illusion of who they are. Is this unreasonable of me?

 

PS. I do not respond to all the emails, and at least he's not phoning all the time. I made it clear that I didn't want or need that. That said, our last phone conversation was over 2 hours because we do have a lot to share about all kinds of things.

[Capricciosa]

This sounds really similar to my situation/feelings. I've asked some questions in bold. I'd appreciate your response.

 

 

basically ended up telling him (because he asked) that I had decided, based on past experience, that I wanted to take things slow.

 

Were you behaving as if he was a friend in this slow part or as your boyfriend in waiting?

 

He tried to respect it but still kept coming on strong.

 

I know he wants to respect it, but it pains him. He says there is no joy without pain, he says no pressure, but I feel pressured. Maybe it's just me?

 

Meanwhile I just didn't understand how a complete stranger could say and do the things he would say and do.

 

I have this problem too. I attribute that kind of intensity to fantasy and not to actually knowing me.

 

Now I think part of his enthusiasm is attributable to the fact that my guy really doesn't suffer from any self-esteem issues, and just pretty much knew he had a lot to offer.

 

Maybe this is it here too. He doesn't have hang-ups about letting me know his feelings. I am not like this. It takes me a long time because I need to be sure they are reciprocated. He got out of a relationship 18 months ago, and seems ready for another one. With me, that is.

 

 

I also used to wonder if maybe he wasn't this enthusiastic with every women he met.

 

See, I don't know this yet, because...I don't know him!!!

 

But I like him. He treats me wonderfully and I've decided that, for the time being, I will simply cast my fears aside enjoy everything he has to offer.

 

This is very brave of you. When you gave him a chance, did this slow down the onslaught?

 

Last thing. If indeed he is worth your time, I doubt you will walk away.

 

He may be fantastic--who knows. I wonder if I'll get a chance to know or if my slowing things down means he'll just rush past me.

 

[Phateless]

I've sort of started getting to know someone, have been on one "date" and now I am being barraged by emails, by declarations of feeling, by art, by writing. This is freaking me out a little. I like the guy, but I'm not sure what the possibility of a relationship really is--basically because he is still a stranger. We do seem to have lots in common, could talk for hours on end, but all this exuberance is making me shut down. I was really burned in my last relationship and feel the need to really proceed with caution. How can I put this across without absolutely alienating someone I might indeed grow very fond of if I was given a chance to breathe? Has anyone been through this before?

 

insecure, unconfident, inexperienced, a bit desperate...

 

sorry, but that's how it is. that used to be me.

[Kamille]

Haha! I thought so! You are confronted to a guy who might just be that into you because, well, he's that into you.

 

I know at the beginning of my relationship a part of me was weary of his enthusiasm, thinking, like many here, that it could be some kind of red flag. But the only problem I had was that his enthusiasm made me want to run the other way BECAUSE of previous experiences.

 

And I mean, I've only been with him for little over a month, so who knows what's going to happen. Except, in my previous experiences where early investors flaked, they definitely would have flaked by now.

 

I think some men just know what they want.

 

 

Were you behaving as if he was a friend in this slow part or as your boyfriend in waiting?

He was definitely behaving like a boyfriend in waiting, so it was hard for me to treat him like a friend. And honestly, I didn't even think about treating him like friend. I was strongly attracted to him and was trying to control my own desire for him. (I have a few threads on all of this, the one about this is called Taking things slow is difficult).

 

I know he wants to respect it, but it pains him. He says there is no joy without pain, he says no pressure, but I feel pressured. Maybe it's just me?

 

I'm not sure I understand the joy without pain comment. The guy I am dating simply behaved like it was only going to be a matter of time before I came to see that we were meant to be together. He also let it be known in many ways that there was no pressure, and I actually did not feel pressured. He in no way, at anytime, made me feel responsible for his well-being.

 

Why do you feel pressured? Is it coming from him or is just in your personality? Are you a people pleaser? I am too - and oddly enough, this guy is teaching me to be less of a people-pleaser.

 

I have this problem too. I attribute that kind of intensity to fantasy and not to actually knowing me.

This is the kind of thing that only time will tell right? I am still dumbfounded by the fact that his intensity is actually proving to be right. So far.

 

Maybe this is it here too. He doesn't have hang-ups about letting me know his feelings. I am not like this. It takes me a long time because I need to be sure they are reciprocated. He got out of a relationship 18 months ago, and seems ready for another one. With me, that is.

 

Like I said, I think some men just know what they want, and, personally these are the kind of men I find most attractive. My guy broke up with his ex-gf a year ago and was completely over it. He also has had two past LTR, which I think is a good indication that he is bf material. What about your guy? How does he talk about exes?

 

 

This is very brave of you. When you gave him a chance, did this slow down the onslaught?

 

I think I gave in to the onslaught. And things have only been getting better since then. He isn't quite as intense anymore, but much more adorable.

 

 

 

He may be fantastic--who knows. I wonder if I'll get a chance to know or if my slowing things down means he'll just rush past me.

 

Is this why you feel pressured? You're afraid to lose him? Listen to yourself and be yourself. I once walked out of his apartment because I freaked out (another thread on here about that) and he actually stood by me. Don't worry about it, do things your way and take your time. If he is into you, he will want what's best for the two of you.

[Capricciosa]

Thanks for your replies, Kamille, here are some of mine.

 

But the only problem I had was that his enthusiasm made me want to run the other way BECAUSE of previous experiences.

 

My last relationship was thunderbolts and lightning, a tsunami of feeling and sexual desire, and the most heartbreaking experience I ever had because the guy turned out to be an abusive, freeloading, lying, cheater. I have a few threads about this. It has made me really wary about getting involved with men before I know what they're made of.

 

He was definitely behaving like a boyfriend in waiting, so it was hard for me to treat him like a friend. And honestly, I didn't even think about treating him like friend. I was strongly attracted to him and was trying to control my own desire for him.

 

Hmm. Here's he thing. I am strongly attracted to his mind, but physically he is not my standard type. Not that he's not cute, but he doesn't push those buttons that have gotten me into so much trouble in the past. This helps me be sane, actually. I have never been able to take things slow if I am too physically attracted to someone. But I find myself imagining him in the boyfriend role--I was at an event I host last night, and I wondered if he would like it, fit in, be supportive, enthusiastic, whether afterwards he would have fit in with the friends I went out with for a bite, whether going home with him would have been better than going home alone. I've told him not to wait because I am already in his life and whatever pans out will be fine. He seems (since I wrote my first email) to have accepted this and slowed down the onslaught. (Really, on the day I wrote there had been 8 emails!!)

 

I'm not sure I understand the joy without pain comment. The guy I am dating simply behaved like it was only going to be a matter of time before I came to see that we were meant to be together.

 

Why do you feel pressured? Is it coming from him or is just in your personality? Are you a people pleaser? I am too - and oddly enough, this guy is teaching me to be less of a people-pleaser.

 

Well I feel pressured because he was running to far ahead of where we were (almost strangers), because I do tend to feel I have to live up to other people's expectations, because of all the emails, and because of his insistence that he has found what he is looking for. The word "love" entered into this. My feelings just aren't there yet. I don't know after my last experience that they could be there for anyone that quickly, and I certainly wouldn't trust them if they were. Jaded, I know.

 

 

 

Like I said, I think some men just know what they want, and, personally these are the kind of men I find most attractive. My guy broke up with his ex-gf a year ago and was completely over it. He also has had two past LTR, which I think is a good indication that he is bf material. What about your guy? How does he talk about exes?

 

The only thing I know is that he has been in a 5 year R and a 7 year. He left because of lack of communication, other than that I don't know. We haven't really talked about it. That may be my doing because I find that sometimes talking about exes kind of taints a new R. Plus, I was trying to keep it "friendlier" rather than interview for new boyfriend. But now that I think of it, he did say something telling in his last email:

 

"I like you as you are, I listen to you with real attentiveness, naturally no effort (of course our egos joust a bit too) the way I see it me not knowing yet how to adjust myself to your space-time rhythms is not me wanting you to be different, it's me wanting communication"

 

So this is what makes him crazy, if he feels lack of communication, since maybe this was an issue in his past?

 

 

Is this why you feel pressured? You're afraid to lose him? Listen to yourself and be yourself. I once walked out of his apartment because I freaked out (another thread on here about that) and he actually stood by me. Don't worry about it, do things your way and take your time. If he is into you, he will want what's best for the two of you.

 

It would be sad not to explore this a little, at a natural pace. He seems willing to compromise, and time will tell if he is the guy for me, if he is able to work with me on this. But I have to admit, after all that attention, it does feel a bit weird and nervy to not have him coming full on--though it feels safer, too. He was freaking me out.

 

"I think I'm mostly done with my romantic projections now, so you know! "

 

I know that's for the best, and he says he's nowhere near giving up on me. But damn, it's hard being an adult!!