Tanaquil Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Awful as it sounds, I'm considering breaking up with my amazing boyfriend. Now, the single biggest factor in this is that I've realized that I'm simply not ready to get married yet--but he is. We had talked about maybe getting married next year but the more that he talks about it the less comfortable I am, particularly since I finally got myself to admit that when it comes right down to it, I'm just not ready. I guess my problem here is that I'm just not sure what to do now. I don't want to breakup with him on a whim so I was thinking I'd take at least a week or two to really consider everything, but in the meantime I'm going crazy. Mentally I'm a wreck and it's spilling over into life--can't concentrate for work and school, plus it just makes me irritable (particularly when I'm around him now and he doesn't deserve it at all). I guess my main question is, knowing that I am considering breaking up (because I need some time to grow up on my own (just turned 21) plus it seems unfair to him to say well, maybe someday I'll want to marry you, when I know that he'd like to get married in the very near future) should I say anything to him? I'm thinking that I should get my brain sorted out before I drag his into this but at the same time if it does come down to breaking up I don't want to just spring it on him, you know? But if we don't breakup then I don't want him to have any of that junk left over in his head so . . . basically, I'm a mess.
Lovegod Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 For any guys out there who have never heard this story before, here's a rough translation: She's just not that into this guy. He's nice, but really not interesting enough to spend her entire life with him. I don't want to breakup with him on a whim so I was thinking I'd take at least a week or two to really consider everything, So you're going to drag this thing out even longer. Do him and yourself a favor and ditch him now. It doesn't matter if you break up with him slowly or quickly, he's still going to cry like a friggin baby. Might as well get it done and over with as quickly as possible. should I say anything to him? Just tell him the truth. He's too goddam boring, and you're too goddam young. You're both incompatible, and it'll be better for the both of you if you kill the relationship. Then prepare yourself for him to cry, whine, and beg you not to ditch him. Stand your ground and tell him it's over. Then he'll start bawling. At this point, hang up / leave. Prepare to recieve nice things in the mail from him for a while. Accept them, maybe thank him, then throw them in the trash without telling him.
melodymatters Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Well, you have to ask yourself : if you took the pressure of marriage of the table, would you feel relaxed and more in love with your BF ? If so, you need to just be honest, that you're too young, you're not ready, but you still love him. If in fact you still have these feelings even with marriage out of the equation, then yes, you may have to let him go to find somone who truly loves him and wants marriage too.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Are you not ready to get married, or do you just not want to get married to him? Because if you are not ready, then tell him you are not. Yes you are still very young and it's okay not to be ready, but don't string him along. It really does sound like you don't want to be in this relationship and its more than not being ready. If that's the case break up with him. How long have you been together by the way?
latefragment Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 hey, I understand what you're going through. It's tough. It sounds to me like you are acknowledging your feelings and making sure you don't rush into anything. When I was 22-23 my boyfriend was interested in marriage, eventually (we had only gone out about a year+) and he was my first boyfriend. So I felt I wasn't ready, I still wanted to date other people and get career squared away (still working on both, actually! just kidding)... so, it was very, very hard, but I broke up with him (there were other problems with the relationship, though). I did worry that it was the wrong decision, that someday I'd regret letting the love of my life "get away" and thought about how I'd feel if someday I learned that he married someone else, just because I wasn't ready for such an intense thing , like marriage. But, um... Even though there have been many lonely times and other guys who have treated me very poorly, I haven't regretted it. In fact, I'm glad that things ended... despite all the other heartbreak over jerks that I've suffered since then. I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but, I guess ... it's your decision to make.
Author Tanaquil Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 Thank you for the posts everyone. I really appreciate being able to "talk" things through here and see things from different perspectives. Lovegod--you're pretty harsh on guys, aren't you? I mean, I know that he would be hurt, but he has enough respect for himself and for me not to "cry like a friggin' baby". I am curious as why you see taking time to think things through is stupid. If I was dragging him through all this for two weeks, then I would agree that it was pretty stupid, but honestly, how can it be all that bad for me to think about things before reacting? Melodymatters--I think that taking marriage out of the equation would help a lot--I love him but it just makes things awkward when he's all happy making plans and I'm not. When we're just enjoying each others company it's great and I love being around him. Lauriebell82--We've been dating for about fourteen months, I think, and I really don't feel like the issue here is with him (there are a few minor issues that bother me but seriously, they're minor) but that I'm not ready to get married yet and while I love him, I'm kind of thinking that I can't really grow in the ways that I'd like to while I'm with him because I'm more likely to just relie on him rather than work something out for myself, if that makes any sense. I know I should talk to him, I just don't want to get into this with him until I'm sure of what I really mean by "not ready" and what that means to our relationship. Latefragment--I really appreciate your post--it's nice to know that other people have been through the same kinds of things. I really don't want to rush into this--I know it can take me a while to work out exactly what's going on in my head sometimes and I really don't want to mess things up! This guy is my first boyfriend and he is a great guy, but I don't think I'm ready to settle down just yet.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Lauriebell82--We've been dating for about fourteen months, I think, and I really don't feel like the issue here is with him (there are a few minor issues that bother me but seriously, they're minor) but that I'm not ready to get married yet and while I love him, I'm kind of thinking that I can't really grow in the ways that I'd like to while I'm with him because I'm more likely to just relie on him rather than work something out for myself, if that makes any sense. I know I should talk to him, I just don't want to get into this with him until I'm sure of what I really mean by "not ready" and what that means to our relationship. Thank you for personally your posts to each of us, that was helpful. Anyway, 14 months is not really not that much in the grand scheme of things, esp. when you are 21. When I was 21 (I'm 25 and thinking about marrying my current bf who i've been with for 14 months as well). I had a serious bf, and I wasn't even THINKING about marriage with my ex at that age. Now, I take it your bf has told you he is ready to get married. Have you told him your not? You said you don't know if you should talk to him or not, so I'm assuming you really havn't discussed the situation in length. If you guys aren't on the same page you have a problem. If you read some of the posts on this forum, they are mostly from girls posting that their bfs aren't ready and they are. It puts a real strain on your relationship the longer the problem persists. I know it's hard for you to do this, but you need to talk to him about this. The issue is going to get worse leaving you both miserable. I know that's not something you want. In my opinion there are two ways to "not be ready." The first one is love your SO, want to marry them but aren't ready, but remain in the relationship because you love them and want to be with them until you are. The second one is to love your SO, but aren't ready and don't want to remain in the relationship to give yourself time to grow. This one is probably more common for younger individuals because you havn't really lived your life to the fullest as a single person. Since your situatin is probably this one, you have to do SOMETHING. From everything you've said, I really don't think you want to be with your bf. And you need to at least talk to him about what your feeling. Maybe you guys can come to some sort of compromise and work it out, or maybe just end things so you can have some time for yourself. Please respond back, I am here to help you.
Author Tanaquil Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 Thank you so much for posting here Lauriebell82, I really do appreicate it. Been driving myself crazy running all this through my head for the last few days. We have kind of discussed this before--but not in great depth. Guess it's been more like flickers of uneasiness on my part that he's kind of picked up on before but I dimissed them because I love him and I think that we could have a good life together. I still do. Lately though, things just keep springing up in my mind and now I can't ignore them anymore. I think that I do need some time away from him at least--I'm a relatively solitary person by nature and I feel like there are some things that I'd just like to do on my own. I really want to be able to go to Europe and do it on my own and not have to worry about scheduling things with other people or whether the person I'm with would enjoy the things that I'd want to do and see. I want to know that I've got my life under control on my own and that I can accomplish things without having to relie on someone else. Maybe I could do all that and still be in a relationship with him but I'm not sure--he likes to fix things and I'm still working on convincing him that he needs to let me work things out on my own sometimes. Added to which I really do feel as though it would be unfair for me to tell him, nope, I'm not ready yet and then disappear off to do my things (like Europe) and leave him hanging for an indefinite time there waiting for me to be ready.
Lovegod Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 he has enough respect for himself and for me not to "cry like a friggin' baby". Are you sure? Well, you'll just have to find out for yourself when you break the news to him. I am curious as why you see taking time to think things through is stupid. I don't think it's stupid, I think it's a waste of time. You already know how you feel about him. You can't think yourself into being re-attracted to him. Attraction isn't based on logic, it's based on feeling. No matter how much you think he's a nice guy, that just isn't enough to make you feel the need to spend the rest of your life with him. Again, I say end it now and don't waste any more of his or your time. you're pretty harsh on guys, aren't you? Yep. There's too many wimpy pansies out there who couldn't find their testicles even if they shaved off all their pubes. Most of today's men disgust me and bring shame upon the word "testosterone".
Lauriebell82 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Thank you so much for posting here Lauriebell82, I really do appreicate it. Been driving myself crazy running all this through my head for the last few days. We have kind of discussed this before--but not in great depth. Guess it's been more like flickers of uneasiness on my part that he's kind of picked up on before but I dimissed them because I love him and I think that we could have a good life together. I still do. Lately though, things just keep springing up in my mind and now I can't ignore them anymore. I think that I do need some time away from him at least--I'm a relatively solitary person by nature and I feel like there are some things that I'd just like to do on my own. I really want to be able to go to Europe and do it on my own and not have to worry about scheduling things with other people or whether the person I'm with would enjoy the things that I'd want to do and see. I want to know that I've got my life under control on my own and that I can accomplish things without having to relie on someone else. Maybe I could do all that and still be in a relationship with him but I'm not sure--he likes to fix things and I'm still working on convincing him that he needs to let me work things out on my own sometimes. Added to which I really do feel as though it would be unfair for me to tell him, nope, I'm not ready yet and then disappear off to do my things (like Europe) and leave him hanging for an indefinite time there waiting for me to be ready. Those are really valid reasons. It sounds like it's more than you just not being ready, I think you want your independence. And at 21 I'd say that's not an unsual feeling. You are young and have plenty of time to get married and have children. How old is your bf by the way? As for the Europe thing, i don't think you should expect/want him to wait for you to be ready and come back to him. If you are going to Europe and want to be single while you are away you need to break up with him. You know it's probably not fair to leave him hanging. You have a good head on your shoulders, and i think you are torn between your independence and your love for your bf. If you are really serious about wanting to experience different things you need to end your relationship or at least tell your bf that you are thinking about it. If he loves you, he'll listen. i'm glad all my posts are helping you, I'm a counselor if you can't already tell!
Author Tanaquil Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 Trust me, if I weren't attracted to him this would have been over a long long time ago. Anyhow, recognising that I'm an indecisive person hasn't really helped me to become more decisive, but it has taught me to be cautious about acting on thoughts until I'm sure exactly what I'm thinking so I probably am going to think about this for a bit more. That said, I do appreciate your comments--I agree with you that drawing things out doesn't help anyone involved if we break up, but unless I'm completely sure about things that's probably what would happen (on my end anyways, much as I hate to admit it).
Lovegod Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 ...and so continues the battle of logic vs emotion.
Author Tanaquil Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 Those are really valid reasons. It sounds like it's more than you just not being ready, I think you want your independence. And at 21 I'd say that's not an unsual feeling. You are young and have plenty of time to get married and have children. How old is your bf by the way? As for the Europe thing, i don't think you should expect/want him to wait for you to be ready and come back to him. If you are going to Europe and want to be single while you are away you need to break up with him. You know it's probably not fair to leave him hanging. You have a good head on your shoulders, and i think you are torn between your independence and your love for your bf. If you are really serious about wanting to experience different things you need to end your relationship or at least tell your bf that you are thinking about it. If he loves you, he'll listen. i'm glad all my posts are helping you, I'm a counselor if you can't already tell! Oh phooey, I had a reply all typed up and then my computer blinked and erased it. Anyways, the high points of the reply were: he's 24 and graduating next year (hence a little more pressure to the idea of getting married), I guess when it comes right down to it I really do just want to have some time to myself but it would be downright wrong to expect him to wait for me to grow up, and that I do need to talk to him but I'm kind of at a loss as to what to say (or maybe just how?) because I don't want to hurt him (not likely under the circumstances but there's got to be a way to minimize, right?) And basically this is just really really frustrating because I could totally see myself married to this guy SOMEDAY--just not now. *I bet you're a great counselor
Author Tanaquil Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 ...and so continues the battle of logic vs emotion. Very, very true.
Phateless Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Awful as it sounds, I'm considering breaking up with my amazing boyfriend. Now, the single biggest factor in this is that I've realized that I'm simply not ready to get married yet--but he is. We had talked about maybe getting married next year but the more that he talks about it the less comfortable I am, particularly since I finally got myself to admit that when it comes right down to it, I'm just not ready. I guess my problem here is that I'm just not sure what to do now. I don't want to breakup with him on a whim so I was thinking I'd take at least a week or two to really consider everything, but in the meantime I'm going crazy. Mentally I'm a wreck and it's spilling over into life--can't concentrate for work and school, plus it just makes me irritable (particularly when I'm around him now and he doesn't deserve it at all). I guess my main question is, knowing that I am considering breaking up (because I need some time to grow up on my own (just turned 21) plus it seems unfair to him to say well, maybe someday I'll want to marry you, when I know that he'd like to get married in the very near future) should I say anything to him? I'm thinking that I should get my brain sorted out before I drag his into this but at the same time if it does come down to breaking up I don't want to just spring it on him, you know? But if we don't breakup then I don't want him to have any of that junk left over in his head so . . . basically, I'm a mess. TALK... TO... HIM... He deserves to know what's going on with your decision and have a chance to react to it.
Lovegod Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Oh boy... Telling him that you're thinking of leaving will only **** things up until you make your decision. He'll be living in hell, trying to find answers for why she wants to leave (friends manipulating her, not enough romance, etc), or scrambling to find a quick fix for the relationship. My money's still on emotion. Just ditch him now.
Phateless Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Oh boy... Telling him that you're thinking of leaving will only **** things up until you make your decision. He'll be living in hell, trying to find answers for why she wants to leave (friends manipulating her, not enough romance, etc), or scrambling to find a quick fix for the relationship. My money's still on emotion. Just ditch him now. Isn't that better than being blindsided?
Lovegod Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Isn't that better than being blindsided? I'd rather the relationship be dead than walking on eggshells for weeks. It's very stressful when you have no clue WTF is going on with your SO. At least if she completely ditched him immediately, he wouldn't have to worry since he no longer has a SO. I know she could tell him what's happening, but again, he'll try finding other reasons. And the first fingers he will point will likely be her friends / co-workers / relatives. That's just how men work. They do their best (well, what they think is best) to maintain the relationship, so if she's falling "out of love", then some ******* is probably brainwashing her since he's not at fault. How can you tell I've lived through this already?
Author Tanaquil Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 I don't want to blindside him but I do think that it's better for both of us if I can be clear in my mind where I'm coming from and what I'm trying to say(as opposed to a 'well, maybe, sorta, not really sure but' type conversation that would be frustrating for both of us). Which I will hopefully be able to get straightened out pretty soon.
Phateless Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I'd rather the relationship be dead than walking on eggshells for weeks. It's very stressful when you have no clue WTF is going on with your SO. At least if she completely ditched him immediately, he wouldn't have to worry since he no longer has a SO. I know she could tell him what's happening, but again, he'll try finding other reasons. And the first fingers he will point will likely be her friends / co-workers / relatives. That's just how men work. They do their best (well, what they think is best) to maintain the relationship, so if she's falling "out of love", then some ******* is probably brainwashing her since he's not at fault. How can you tell I've lived through this already? I've lived through it too...
Recommended Posts