dad2be Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I need a little advice. Here's the background; I've got a pregnant girlfriend. We have only been seeing each other for about three months. We had a great start to our relationship and became quite fond of one another. She has a weird work schedule, so in order to facilitate the relationship, I asked her to move in. About a week after she moves in, we find out she's pregnant. About a week after that, she starts showing personality changes that are very hard to deal with. She goes from being fairly happy to quiet and withdrawn, almost like the "silent treatment". She will shuffle thru the house, averting her eyes from me and won't engage in conversation. When she does talk, it is mostly criticism. Things like "you need a hair-cut, those shoes make you look like a ...., I hate this house, your dog needs a bath, etc" She will say just about anything that crosses her mind without consideration of its impact on me. She has changed our physical relationship as well. There is no sexual intimacy, no kissing, no hugging, nothing unless I initiate it. If I hug her I usually end up saying "hey, aren't you going to hug me back?" Last night, I asked her if she loved me (she used to say it all the time) - her answer was "I suppose". I am very supportive. I go to the doctor with her, run errands for her, take her wherever she wants to go, tell her I love her, rub her back, just about any act of compassion I can image. I have pretty much put my personal life on hold, not going out with friends and not engaging in my normal pursuits. I have trained myself over the course of my life to be "unprovokable", so I am able to withstand verbal and psychological attacks without much impact. However, I am also aware that there is a defect in a person's personality that allows them to put other people down without any regret or remorse. Here is the question. Are these changes I see in her permanent? If I concede to all of her requests - cut my hair, bathe the dog, improve the house.. - does that set up a relationship dynamic that will be impossible to fix later? And the big one - should I marry this girl based on our good times before the pregnancy and on the assumption that the recent difficulties are just hormonal? Thanks.
tinktronik Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 You sound like a normal guy . You also sound baffled . Try to look at this one as you would as if you were seeing another persons post . I suspect that it is not so much the pregnancy that has changed her but that you are seeing the real HER for the first time . I would not suggest that you marry her or do as she asks in making changes to yourself or your lifestyle. I would give this another few months perhaps see out the pregnancy , DO NOT MARRY HER, and decide if you would allow a person to treat you this way without a pregnancy , without a baby . If you would not want to live this way, seperate, and do right by your child but you do NOT have to be part of the mother's internal emotional life. If you marry someone with these tendancies you are likely to a) divorce and drag your chid through the divorce with you . OR b) be miserable for a long time , garner low self esteem and in the end not offer a very happy life or set an example for the child you are raising. You would teach it that it is okay for mommies to berate daddys.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 There are hormonal adjustments during the first trimester of pregnancy. Most commonly they result in nausea and fatigue. But yeah, there can be some mood swings too. Even so, I would suggest that you NOT marry somebody you're this unsure of. You've only been together for three months You barely know each other. Don't worry... you won't be the first couple ever to have a baby without benefit of marriage, so take your time. As to whether you should placate her... nope. I think it's better to 'Be Yourself', That way, you're not misrepresenting who you are. It doesn't mean you shouldn't be nice, but what it does mean is that you don't set yourself up for resentful feelings later. Give what you can afford to spare, but not so much that you end up feeling abused by it.
Lostgurl Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Sheesh, this is messed up. It's so hard to say what's going on here because you barely know her. You've only been with her for 3 months, have just moved in with her, which is a huge step in itself, and she's pregnant to boot. I am pregnant myself. I know what she's going through in terms of moodswings, morning sickness, and major fatigue. It really, really gets to a person after living through 2-3 months of it. BUT, that definitley doesn't give her the right to treat you the way you are being treated. She sounds like she doesn't respect you at all, and that doesn't stem from being pregnant! I think i'm with Tinktronik, when she says that you are seeing a side of her that you didn't know exisited before you moved in with her. It could be her mood swings making her more bitter than usual, but you still shouldn't put up with it. You need to put your foot down now, or she'll think she can get away with treating you the way she is, and it will only get worse. Stop thinking about marriage for now, and talk to her about everything that you've posted here. You sound like you are doing a wonderful job supporting her, something is definitley going on with her. She should feel very lucky to have you. Keep posting, and let us know how things go. Good luck.
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