And so it begins...

[kittensmittens]

I got an email from my ex this morning. After 3 months of NC. He told me "the cats are doing well" and asked how I am. This is just weird. To say I truly believed I would NEVER hear from him EVER again, doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm 99.9% certain he has a new gf. It was only recently that he betrayed my trust and completely broke my heart (some you may have read about the things he did). Even more recently he's moved on to someone else.....what the hell does he want?!?

 

Well....I did it. I wrote him back. I poured my heart out and got all the things out that I needed to say. I must say, this is the ODDEST timing. Just a few days ago I was ready to explode b/c I only wanted to talk to him....about anything. Even the weather. I just missed him. Then...the devastation and letting go of hopes. Today was my breaking point--especially after the dream I posted about on here this morning--and I nearly dropped out of school today b/c I felt I just couldn't cope or function with this pain anymore. I even finally called the Dr. today for help w/ this. And then I get off the phone and open my email. It's too weird. Why now? Why after all this time? Why so soon? Why TODAY?

 

I hope I haven't made myself too vulnerable to him. I wasn't begging for him to come back. I just gave him a brief summary of happenings in my life and then went into how he has deeply hurt me. I told him I don't think he truly ever understood how much I really did love him, and that I still do. I told him that I still think about him and miss him everyday. That I've been carrying on with my life, but underneath it all I'm still thoroughly heartbroken and confused. I told him I don't think realizes or cares how much he's hurt me and that maybe that's even what he wanted...I don't know.

 

I'm probably supposed to write back and tell him how wonderful things have been for me and that I'm doing great. They haven't been ALL terrible and I was sure to include that little fact. But they haven't been wonderful. I DO miss him...a lot. So, whatever his motives are...good, bad, or neutral....I feel like I was completely honest. I still don't know what he really wants or where the reestablishing of contact is going, but if he stomps on my heart one more time, at least I know I was completely honest.

 

I hate that I feel hopeful now. I know I'm fooling myself and I can't seem to shut it off. Why'd he have to email?!?

[sao2]

Boo, Yay, I don't know which to respond. Only time will tell. As someone who recently heard from my ex and also got my hopes up I'll say this.

 

My hopes were up for about a day until I realized she had nothing for me but more disappointment. I hope either he has something other than disappointment or that you get over it quickly.

[kittensmittens]

I hope either he has something other than disappointment or that you get over it quickly.

 

Me too. I'm not counting on it though.

 

Haven't heard back yet and I'm so nervous. Not sure why....

[MattyTee]

I feel for you Kittens!

 

I'm absolutely certain I won't hear from my ex ... and now I'm worried

 

As Sao says I hope that the contact doesn't end up dragging you back in the healing process.

[funkybassplayer]

if you have poured out your heart in an email, and he doest feel the same, you would have pushed him far away, if he does, he will let you know. But eigher way its clear you want nothing less than the relationship back, and if its to be it will. I hope if he does not feel the same, he will tell you. Good luck x

[serendip]

There's nothing wrong with pouring your heart out as a form of release but if you expect a reply or don't get the reply that you want...and it sets you back or makes you feel more miserable...then the letter shouldn't have been sent in my opinion.

 

Hope is a tough thing...we need it to survive...but it can be so cruel sometimes

 

Best of luck to you

[kittensmittens]

Well, I heard back. And no, it wasn't at all what I wanted. Yes, just more disappointment. And, yes, this has most definitely set me back. And now I'm furious.

 

How dare him?? Who does he think he is?? He has a brand new gf, he completely demolished my heart just 3 months ago, betrayed my trust, dumped me in the most horribly immature and hurtful way he could come up with, never apologized for any of it....and then just casually shoots me an email like it's all water under the bridge. WHO THE F*CK DOES HE THINK HE IS???

 

He sent me an email back saying my reply wasn't what he expected, he doesn't know what to do for me, that it was a long road to the end and he hates that he hurt me. WTF?!?!? I'm so angry right now I'm shaking. Wasn't what he expected? Well what the hell did you expect?? "I'm fine everything is great"?? And you're damn f*cking right it was long road.....a road that would have ended 3 YEARS AGO had you stayed away the first time!! And please....PLEASE don't f*cking tell me that you "hate that you hurt me". When I told you, shaking in fury, with tears in my eyes, how I had never been so hurt, humiliated, and degraded all in one shot, publicly and by the person I love MOST in this world, when I read your pathetically immature blog post......you knew just how badly you hurt me. But that's what you wanted since you obviously posted it for me to see. And instead of apologizing, you ran off into the other room and locked the door. Then, you didn't even do the honorable thing and take it down....you waited several weeks to take it down for SOMEONE ELSE. So don't f*cking PATRONIZE ME with your lame ass attempt at something that vaguely resembles an apology.

 

I seriously feel like I could breath fire right now. I mean, what the hell did he even want? Did he just want to check back and make sure I'm still pining away over him? Was he attempting to rid himself of whatever miniscule amount of guilt he might have? Did he just want the last word, since I was the one to ultimately reject him finally? I find it very hard to believe he actually CARES about how I'm doing when he couldn't even apologize ONCE out of the millions of opportunities he had to do so.

 

Should I email him back? Even after all this time, he's still under the impression that I think he' Mr. Wonderful. Most days I do, but the days I come to my senses I DON'T....and it burns me up. Should I email him back and let him have it (in a mature manner)? I kinda think he'll just delete it when he reads the 1st 2 lines....and it might actually get to him more if I don't respond (seems to be how he operates). I dunno...

[RecordProducer]

Ultimately, who cares? Obviously you will not get back together, so whatever he feels or thinks shouldn't matter to you.

 

What really hurts men is whe you spill all kinds of insults with a very cold tone. Wait a few months and then email him how you found a new wonderful guy and realized what a piece of junk your ex was compared to him.

 

Hope this will keep you calm until then. When the time comes, just don't do it. You know what helps me? Crying. I cry and then feel better. Crying helps me demolish the anger and sorrow that built up and change the subject.

[kittensmittens]

I hate that in a week or two I'm going be swallowed up with a whole new wave of grief and self blame. This isn't fair. Why'd he have to email?

 

And what is he doing sending me an email when he's got a new gf, anyway? Someon please tell me, IS this sketchy? Personally, I'd be pissed if some guy I recently started dating was initiating contact w/ his ex of 3 months ago. But maybe that's just me....

[kittensmittens]

What really hurts men is whe you spill all kinds of insults with a very cold tone. Wait a few months and then email him how you found a new wonderful guy and realized what a piece of junk your ex was compared to him.

 

Well I'm pretty convinced at this piont that his ego is certainly big enough and fragile enough for this plan to work.

 

You know what helps me? Crying. I cry and then feel better. Crying helps me demolish the anger and sorrow that built up and change the subject.

 

Been doing plenty of this. All I have to show so far are some really puffy eyes.

[RecordProducer]

Been doing plenty of this. All I have to show so far are some really puffy eyes.

Doing plenty means you're not changing the subject.

[funkybassplayer]

I guess he emailed to say hi, and maybe looking for a freindship, but your space right now is nowhere like his, and you blew his mind a little in saying how you still felt. I guess he would have wanted back, im good thanks, glad to hear from you, or something like that.

[sao2]

Hey, Sorry that you only found more disappointment. Please, please, please for your own sake don't resort to trying to find ways to hurt him back, that will only drag you back into this dark place that you find yourself in.

 

What helped me let go of my anger was realizing that me ex just doesn't get it. She just doesn't understand how her actions were affecting me, much in the same way he doesn't understand how his actions are upsetting you.

 

I think if you want to email him, take the high road(although it is easier said than done) and say that for right now you don't think it is a good idea for you two to be emailing each other anymore. If and when you change your mind you will let him know. The beauty of this is that by the time you are ready to email him, you won't have any desire or reason to.

Hope you feel better.

[funkybassplayer]

Dont email him anything, he wont play the game, and he has moved on. Any further contact will be hurting yourself. You are only in control of your actions and not his. You said what your felt, and now he knows, and so do you. There is nothing more to say. (but thats of couurse my opinion, the rest is up to you) If you let him go now, you will start to heal, and in a few days, that email you sent will help, as you said the things you needed to.

[kittensmittens]

What helped me let go of my anger was realizing that me ex just doesn't get it. She just doesn't understand how her actions were affecting me, much in the same way he doesn't understand how his actions are upsetting you.

 

That's the thing....if he just really doesn't get it, I feel like *someone* should enlighten him b/c I've been through hell. But, really, I just don't see how he can't. After all he's done....he knew what he was doing. He knew he was hurting me and that was obviously his intention in many instances. The only way he couldn't know is if he has justified his actions in his mind somehow (the way serial killers do?)...but then that brings me back around to "I must have deserved it"....ugh, circles.

 

Dont email him anything, he wont play the game, and he has moved on.

 

Thanks, funk. I probably won't email him. But I think this IS a game for him. I don't think he's emailing just because he cares or wants to be friends. I don't think he thinks like normal guys. He's more egotistical than that. I think possibly that he wanted to know if there's a back up plan still out there for him. Maybe. Or some other selfish motive. I just feel like if he's moved on, then he has no business contacting me. I dunno...is this thinking too severe, or am I right about this? Whatever the case, I don't think he'll email back.....he's already gotten whatever he wanted.

 

Right now the logic in my brain says "well I never thought I'd hear from him in a million years....so maybe this means him coming back IS a possibility". I hate that I STILL feel hopeful. The cycle has started all over again. F*ck him.

[funkybassplayer]

I think the opposite, when they move on its easy to contact, as to me it just sounded like a friendly email to say hi. If he was playing a game, i think he would have gone along with your feelings, and not the opposite.