beau_cauchemar Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I know the subject of rebound relationships has come up quite a bit but I was wondering if anyone had any insight on double-rebound relationships. This is where 2 people have recently gotten out of long-term relationships only to jump into a relationship together. As a few of you might know my situation (see below), you can understand why I'm interested in getting any advice of this specific type of couple. With both people (instead of just 1) having either concious or subconcious expectations based on unresolved feelings towards their ex, do these relationships experience more difficulty than most? How often do they actually last? Thanks again guys. I'm trying to ask partially-specific questions at this point so others can benefit from the advice and not just me. (I just don't want anyone here to get sick of me I guess... ) -Me BACKGROUND: My exgf of 3 1/2 years leaving (comfortable relationship, needed spark, grass is greener) only to meet within 1 month of breakup a guy recently broken up from a 3+year/engagement where his gf left. The 2 have been dating now for about 1 month. Oh and he's 28 while she's 20.
Crestfallen_KH Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Hi, Beau - I have a similar situation, though my STBXH left me for another woman (rather than meeting after we separated) and she left her husband for mine. Consequently, I've done a lot of research on this. I, too, wondered if the chances of the relationship failing might increase due to both parties being on the rebound; however, I haven't been able to find any specific statistics on this. What I have found, though, is that the great majority of rebound relationships fail, and fail miserably. Obviously it depends on the people involved, but what seems to typically happen is one or more of the people in the RR "use" the other person to grieve the loss of their last relationship. They almost "re-create" it with the new person, so they can often be stormy. Often when one partner has grieved his/her loss, that person then moves on since he/she has gotten what was needed from the relationship. It's pretty typical for folks on the rebound not to have much in common from a compatibility standpoint. So, the person who gets left in the RR is often forced to truly grieve the loss of the original relationship as well as the RR. The length of time that these relationships last can depend. Some people even marry their rebound partners, thinking that this is the REAL love they have been looking for. Certainly there are exceptions, and some people have found meaningful and lasting relationships on the rebound, but from the research I've read, it's very rare. I have to believe that if BOTH parties are using the relationship to grieve the first that it would increase the chance of it failing, but I have no statistics to back that up - just a hunch and a wish.
Author beau_cauchemar Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 Crestfallen, first I'd like to say that I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You bring up a lot of good points, and fortunetely, they seem both optimistic (in our case) and realistic. Hopefully there will be more advice like this to help us through. Now all we need are some examples....anyone? -Me
cant let go Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 i hope that a double rebound situation = disaster. I don't really have a good example but my ex literally turned around and starting dating his new girlfriend the day after he broke up with me. We were together a little over a year and we lived together for nearly a year (I know...stupid). The girl he is seeing now was in a relationship with a guy that started around Dec and then they broke up in Mar then got back together again and then broke up again and then they were still going back to each other. I'm pretty certain he did all the breaking up and initiated the getting back together. I know she was still hurting and said to me she was still in love with him the same night she took my ex home with her. For perspective, he is 24 and i believe she is also 24. I am 27 and her ex i believe is 28. I actually do have another example. My sister, now 25, broke up with her high school sweetheart boyfriend of 7 years at the begining of this year. They were each others first everything. She started seeing a guy, now 31, that had been previously married to his high school sweetheart. I don't think she would have had the courage to leave her ex boyfriend if she wasn't already seeing this new guy. I never supported anything she did and she was pretty horrible to him. Well she rebounded right into a pretty serious relationship. She currently lives with him and believes that they will get married. It has only been about 10 months so we'll see how it goes. I believe she is much happier but I do worry about the implications of jumping from one serious relationship to another without ever really spending time on your own to discover your own independence. Truthfully, I see a lot of my sister in my ex and it scares me a little.
corazoncito Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I think the way in which the two rebounders left their last relationship factors into the success of their new relationship together. If the two "rebounders" both were the ones to end their respective relationships, it would produce a different dynamic than if they were both the ones suddenly "dumped". I think two "dumpers" have better odds of making it than two "dumpees". But think both dynamics get things off to a rocky start.
Crestfallen_KH Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I agree, I think the way the rebounders left their last relationship plays a key factor. In my case, I know my STBXH feels horrible guilt and regret. He's never cheated before in his life, nor has he ever done anything this horrible to ANYONE before. I know it's tearing him up, and part of me believes that guilt and regret will spread like a disease and infect his current relationship. If she feels the same, I wonder how it couldn't. Especially after the initial "new relationship" high wears off. But, people can justify all sorts of things in their own minds, so who knows. I guess that's why you never know about any relationship, rebound or no.
cant let go Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 But, people can justify all sorts of things in their own minds, so who knows. so so true
Author beau_cauchemar Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Well, in my case, my exgf felt the relationship was too comfortable and initiated the breakup. The guy was engaged to be married when his fiance dumped him for similar reasons (to experience more, possible cold feet, etc.) So in my case an unsure dumper dates a dumpee previously ready for marrige. Hmmm... Oh how the quest for peace of mind is a long hard road out of hell. -Me
beachlover Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I am currently in a double rebound relationship. My ex and I broke up last fall, the next week I started hanging out with a guy from school, we studied for one of our classes together almost every day. He had a gf when we met and they broke up a few months later. We are each others rebound and we are both aware of it, we talked a lot about it in the beginning because we didn't want to ruin our chances. We have been together since June and everything is great. I haven't been this happy in a LONG time. Someone mentioned that the reasons each person got out of their previous relationship would make a difference in if the rebound relationship would last. My ex and I broke up because I found out that he had been cheating on me for the entire 3 years we were together, it was sudden for both of us because I had no idea until that day and he had no idea that I would find out. My bf broke up with his ex because he didn't see the relationship going anywhere, he said he hadn't been really happy in the relationship for months but didn't have a reason to end it until he met and got to know me.
Author beau_cauchemar Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 I am currently in a double rebound relationship. My ex and I broke up last fall, the next week I started hanging out with a guy from school, we studied for one of our classes together almost every day. He had a gf when we met and they broke up a few months later. We are each others rebound and we are both aware of it, we talked a lot about it in the beginning because we didn't want to ruin our chances. We have been together since June and everything is great. I haven't been this happy in a LONG time. Someone mentioned that the reasons each person got out of their previous relationship would make a difference in if the rebound relationship would last. My ex and I broke up because I found out that he had been cheating on me for the entire 3 years we were together, it was sudden for both of us because I had no idea until that day and he had no idea that I would find out. My bf broke up with his ex because he didn't see the relationship going anywhere, he said he hadn't been really happy in the relationship for months but didn't have a reason to end it until he met and got to know me. Beachlover, you may see this as a double rebound (which it technically is) but based on both of your circumstances it sounds like it has a much healthier foundation in which to build than other quick-fix rebounds. Any girl finding out about a cheating boyfriend, especially over such a long period of time, is going to draw immediate conclusions about their future with that guy. Basically that there is no chance in hell. And as far as the guy is concerned, guys who leave their relationship after "months of being unhappy" are typically looking for something better to come along before calling it quits with the current gf. In your case, it was you who came along. So all in all it sounds more like a partial single-rebound relationship (where you are able to move on and he was lured away.) I would definetely keep my eye on him in terms of emotional involvement that may still linger. Since there probably was a lot less of a reason to leave his relationship than there was yours (cheating, abuse, etc.), the honeymoon phase could still have him. Besides, sharing a friendship through school and having things in common has undoubtably helped the bond you share. Thankfully, since you sound so happy, my ex's situation sounds like it has more disaster-potential than yours. Anyway, thanks for the input and good luck Beachlover! -Me
amaysngrace Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I'm in a double-rebounder. My BF and I met within four months of us each getting divorced. His wife cheated and he got dumped. I left my marriage because my husband was unkind to me. We have taken our time opening up to each other and were/are probably a little more reserved when it comes to loving someone to be sure that each is worthy first. It's been a rocky road but for everything that arises we face it together. It seems that not only there is a resolution to our trouble but we actually reach a higher understanding of ourselves and each other with each bridge we cross. The odds were stacked against us I guess. Divorce is rough. You take a huge emotional and financial hit. Our wounds were fresh and our realities of the aftermath hadn't even sunk in yet when we first met. In some ways the stories of our bad marriages was something we had in common. We empathized and understood what each was saying. Coming out of our situations and dealing with them together probably strengthened our bond. And deepened our love. That was a year and a half ago. We are still together. And now looking back it is easy to see that we both got divorced because we were suppose to happen. XO
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