baylismike Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 months now. Things have been awesome. I love her, and she's said she loves me back. Last weekend she hung out with her girlfriends at her place for a painting party(painting her place). Anyways, so we were supposed to be hanging out on Sunday. I called her early sunday morning and she kinda got mad at me for calling so early. Guess she'd been up late the night before. So i called her back later that day and she said she'd call back. So I called her a bunch of times and her phone was dead, I left a few messages and sent some text messages. I think i've smothered her. I haven't exactly been taking it slow I guess. Well now it's tuesday and things aren't lookin too good. I've been trying to get her to tell me if we're gonna be ok and this afternoon on msn at work she said she doesn't think it's gonna work out because she's not ready for something so serious and i'm just too much for her.(her words) Anyways, she agreed to talk to me after work tomorrow. I convinced her to let me take her out for dinner to apologize for acting like an idiot. I told her I know i've been smothering her lately and that I want to try and start over without acting like that and give her the space she needs. I'm not sure what to think but it's been driving me nuts like every min of the day. I want to call her every second but i'm trying to leave it be and just talk to her after work tomorrow. What do you think I should do or what do you think is going to happen?
gonetildecember Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I guess like she said, it's just too much for her and she needs some space. I guess after you guys have dinner tomorrow, you'll see what she says. She'll give you an indication of where she wants things to go. try not to sound needy, or push her. Just apologize, like you said you wanted to... enjoy dinner, and let her speak. Afterwards regardless of what she says.. back off.. let her call you... NC i guess or Limited contact would probably worth best..seeing as she told you she needs some space. Good luck.
LateShow20 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Make sure you actually give her space if you say you're going to. If you say it make sure you mean it and actually do it.
Timberlane Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 What do you mean by "we were supposed to hang out on Sunday..." Did you have definite plans? Really, two months is a little early to throw the word love around, but you can certainly develop some very strong feelings in that time. It's a shame when someone is more into a person than the other one is. Otherwise, there would be no problems what so ever. Well, try not to think about it too much and make plans with your other friends. You didn't neglect your other friends I hope. Well, if you did, it was only for a month or two. So go out with them and give the girl some space. Give her more than she may even want and she might miss you.
Grrlish Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I guess like she said, it's just too much for her and she needs some space. I guess after you guys have dinner tomorrow, you'll see what she says. She'll give you an indication of where she wants things to go. try not to sound needy, or push her. Just apologize, like you said you wanted to... enjoy dinner, and let her speak. Afterwards regardless of what she says.. back off.. let her call you... NC i guess or Limited contact would probably worth best..seeing as she told you she needs some space. Good luck. I agree. Apologize without groveling. That said, be sure to give her a sincere and emotional apology. But like GTD said, don't sound needy - but don't hide your feelings for her. I know...tough balance. But you can do it. If she says that she needs space and it's too much, then that's all you can do - give her space. If you do anything but give it to her, it will feel pushy.
Timberlane Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Really, I don't think any apology is necessary. Say nothing. She is the one that acted rude over the phone when you called on Sunday as you said you would. So what if she slept in late? Could she not go back to sleep? Then she ignored your calls. She's obviously having some thoughts about you that are not all warm and fuzzy. I would definitely be very guarded and unemotional at dinner. She is retracting from you, so do the same. Do not apologize. Just tell her you'll call less. Period. Then conclude the dinner and go home alone. If she doesn't get in touch with you later in the week, get her a book with lots of pictures of galaxies, stars, comets, and planets and include a note that says, "Here's a bunch of space for you. Enjoy."
Author baylismike Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 Wow, i'm amazed by the amount of feedback. Thanks so much to all of you for sharing and trying to help me out. I know that I may have a problem when it comes to realizing that i'm smothering her before the damage is already done. I've had that problem in the past and I just want to learn from it once and for all. So do you all think that I should keep the plan and take her for dinner tomorrow? Someone else said that it's too soon to try and do something like that and that I should tell her something came up and try to reschedule for another night. I don't know what to do, I'm going to try and not contact her before I get off work tomorrow. We both use msn at work so it's so easy to type a quick hello or whatever. Whataya think? I just don't want her to pack it all in before I have a chance to redeem myself. It'd be a big waste if something so stupid like this breaks us up for good. Don't really want that to happen.
jcster Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Take her to dinner. It's probably not the contact with you that's stressing her out, but the "mental overhead" of dealing with your frustration and disappointment at not being able to hang out with her. It ends up being a feedback loop: you reaching for contact and getting upset - her feeling bad about it, but not wanting to see you because you're upset. You have to give it time to equalize. If you calm down, she might calm down too. If you bail on dinner - you're only prolonging the drama and increasing the amount of mental overhead for her. Just follow through and prove to her that you're not frantic and needy. Then give her space...tell her that she should give you a call when she wants to hang out again - and don't call her. If that doesn't work, then it's likely over - but frantically reaching out for contact as she runs frantically in the other direction will end it far sooner.
Author baylismike Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 Well, I haven't talked to her at all today. She just sent me this over msn. "[sIZE=2]hey, i cant go tonight, i have to take baileys to the vet, but i will call you so we can talk". [/sIZE] [sIZE=2]What should I do???? [/sIZE]
oppath Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Breaking plans is never a good sign, especially on the heals of a minor tiff. She may be lying, she may be telling the truth. Things do come up at inopportune times, but remember: extenuating circumstances are extenuating. This is a very yellow flag.
Phateless Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 months now. Things have been awesome. I love her, and she's said she loves me back. Last weekend she hung out with her girlfriends at her place for a painting party(painting her place). Anyways, so we were supposed to be hanging out on Sunday. I called her early sunday morning and she kinda got mad at me for calling so early. Guess she'd been up late the night before. So i called her back later that day and she said she'd call back. So I called her a bunch of times and her phone was dead, I left a few messages and sent some text messages. I think i've smothered her. I haven't exactly been taking it slow I guess. Well now it's tuesday and things aren't lookin too good. I've been trying to get her to tell me if we're gonna be ok and this afternoon on msn at work she said she doesn't think it's gonna work out because she's not ready for something so serious and i'm just too much for her.(her words) Anyways, she agreed to talk to me after work tomorrow. I convinced her to let me take her out for dinner to apologize for acting like an idiot. I told her I know i've been smothering her lately and that I want to try and start over without acting like that and give her the space she needs. I'm not sure what to think but it's been driving me nuts like every min of the day. I want to call her every second but i'm trying to leave it be and just talk to her after work tomorrow. What do you think I should do or what do you think is going to happen? Dude, that is WAAAAY too much!!! Sorry but you've probably already killed it. Chalk this up to a lesson learned and better luck next time.
jcster Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 There's not much you can do right now. Wait for her to call, but quite frankly you should be getting used to the possibility that this relationship is over.
Author baylismike Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 Thanks for all the feedback. I met her for lunch today and we worked everything out. I agreed to give her space when she is doin her own thing and it all worked out well. I had a tiffany necklace i bought and gave it to her after we were done talking, that was a nice surprise. So all is great in my world again. Thanks.
oppath Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Thanks for all the feedback. I met her for lunch today and we worked everything out. I agreed to give her space when she is doin her own thing and it all worked out well. I had a tiffany necklace i bought and gave it to her after we were done talking, that was a nice surprise. So all is great in my world again. Thanks. Ummmm.....you gave her a Tiffany Necklace at two months? I won't even let the guys attack your for that one, I'll let the women. If she at all wanted space or wanted to not feel pressure, jewelry is not the way to go. You don't even know this woman! Don't buy her affection.
oppath Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 My last girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me, but she acted distant, and I pushed. I gave her Christmas gifts as planned. If I could do it over, I would have given her less thoughtful gifts given her behavior. That sounds manipulative. I think the $ value of the gifts we exchanged was probably equal, but the thought behind mine, I think it freaked her out (no jewelry, nothing romantic, just thoughtful). In hindsight, when someone pulls back, that is a sign to pull back a little too. Not all the way. But at the very least, it can prevent you from feeling victimized if they end things a week or two later. Maybe that is why I am single; I view giving gifts as a conditional act dependant on how secure you are in the other persons love for you. I'm talking about big gifts, not little ones like burning a CD you think they would like or their favorite flower. Only give big ones if you know the other person values you greatly. Gifts are always conditional, because if you don't know that the other person values you greatly, and you give a big gift unconditionally, there are strings attached: you are trying to buy her affection. A tiffany necklace is something to give at the 2 year mark if you are discussing marriage. All you should be giving at two months is loaning her a book you thought she might like that you expect back, especially if she were acting distant.
soulseeker Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Agreed. I would not be suprised if she returns the necklace. Any decent woman would.
oppath Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Agreed. I would not be suprised if she returns the necklace. Any decent woman would. Well, my ex accepted ~$100 worth of christmas gifts from me (which is a lot of money as a graduate student), after her ex boyfriend proposed to her and was acting distant and I asked her "why are you so distant?", and broke up with me the very next time I saw her. There was no return. Maybe it was because she gave me gifts too. This is a different situation than the op, but I did feel victimized, because to me, accepting gifts under fraudulent circumstances, or if you are thinking of ending a relationship, is wrong and lacks integrity. I think in this case, a decent woman would say "dude, I've only been dating your for 2 months. I hardly know you. I'm not willing to accept anything more than a nice bottle of wine if I invite you over for dinner, one that we will share."
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