Denial has passed, now I feel like a free wh*re

[imstunned]

I'm sorry to post again. I am a bit of a stuck record. But If I dont post I'll go nuts. I'll text him. I dont want to do that. I just need to talk.

 

I realise I have been in serious denial - or shock. Or both. Now I can see what has happened. I can only now see how badly I was used. Its left me feeling like the cheapest wh*re on earth. I have been trawling through this forum - read a very long post from the summer about how men can so easily throw the OW under the bus - and it did nothing but confirm that i was nothing but a tool to be used by my ex mm for sex.

 

I read other OW's threads about how their exmm are trying or are getting in touch when they are doing NC. I would give anythign for my exmm to try and get in touch. It would make me feel less bad, and let me know that somewhere inside him he cares or cared about me. Now the shock and denial has passed I feel nothing but sadness at how anyone could treat somebody so so badly. I have been going round and round in circles - did he like me? did he use me? WTF? and I have sadly settled on thinking I was just used for sex. A hole. And a free one at that.

 

Before we had contact 3 weeks after his wife called I was desperate for closure. I got it and feel like I have taken many steps back. I now know that its over, he isnt comming back, but I am well and truly stuck with how the hell I am going to move on from feeling so cheap. So used. When I sleep with somebody - I like them. I feel a connection. I think he slept with me as I was willing and I have a pulse.

 

Somtimes I think that this is compliacted because of al the lies, that perhaps he would come back if it wasnt for the lies. But I dont know. I dont think so.

 

I'm convinced he has done this before. When I met him he was out with his friend. His friend didnt bat an eye lid at the two of us kissing all night. WHy did I have to be the one affair that wakes him up to how much he loves his wife.

 

I know you will all say why should I care about what a low life piece of scum thinks of me. I wish I didnt.

 

I just want to feel better. I dont like feeling cheap. I want to put this behind me. I have no idea how to do it.

[norajane]

Regardless of what he did and what his motivations were, YOU were operating from a genuine place, with genuine emotions and caring for him. You believed you were developing a loving relationship with a single man - you weren't out to use or deceive anyone for your own selfish purposes.

 

You were not a cheap whore - you were a woman falling in love.

 

Do not let his behavior or motives determine your view of yourself.

[Gwyneth]

I'm sorry you feel like this, imstunned. I too have felt like this, and after I talked to my MM about this, I came to the realization that this is happening because I want it to happen--not because he is making me do it. No man makes me do things. The very thought of that strikes "Rapist" in my ears. So if the affair is what you wanted--if you wanted the sex with him, and felt that it was worth your while, then don't think in terms that you were used. That would be regretting what you did, and it's best to either use the affair as a lesson rather than as a regreat and convincing yourself you're a whore. I don't think you are a whore for sleeping with a married man--I don't think any woman is a whore for doing that. Why? Because it's one man you are sleeping with--not the entire football team in one night. Now that would strike me as being considered a whore.

 

Hang in there

[whichwayisup]

So if the affair is what you wanted--if you wanted the sex with him, and felt that it was worth your while, then don't think in terms that you were used. That would be regretting what you did, and it's best to either use the affair as a lesson rather than as a regreat and convincing yourself you're a whore. I don't think you are a whore for sleeping with a married man

 

She did NOT know he was married from day one as he told her he was single and led her to believe he was free to be with her. It wasn't until his wife contacted her, that was when she found out the truth.

 

You were not a cheap whore - you were a woman falling in love.

 

Exactly. You fell inlove with a man who neglected to tell you he was married.

[Tripper]

Sorry to hear about your pain, imstunned.

EMA are rarely about sex when you dig down to the root cause of infidelity. You are not the only OW to be treated like dirt when the MM gets caught by his W.

The human condition is fraught with frailty and we all make mistakes. And let's face it getting involved with a married OP is a dumb thing to do. Forget the moral implication involved. It's simply the cheater gets to have his cake and eat it too, while the OW and the W end up with table scraps of time and emotion. So you made a mistake, it's not the end of the world.

Time will heal pain and you will learn from this chapter of your life. Hold your head high and make a deal with yourself never to do this again.

Get out of the house and meet some new friends, do some new activities, volunteer take up a new hobby or take a night course. Keep busy and work on your own happiness. I know it's easy to say and harder to do. And remember you are a human being, fallible and there are people out there whose lives you've touch will touch and you will make a difference.

[Tripper]

Didn't know you didn't know he was married. This makes him lower than whale s%!t and that's pretty low 'cuz it sits on the bottom of the ocean..

[Gwyneth]

She did NOT know he was married from day one as he told her he was single and led her to believe he was free to be with her. It wasn't until his wife contacted her, that was when she found out the truth.

 

 

 

Exactly. You fell inlove with a man who neglected to tell you he was married.

 

 

Oh wow, I didn't know that. I apologize. Wow--what a Jerk he is. Well listen, you did nothing wrong then. Why call yourself a whore when you didn't know? If the wife wants to point fingers at you, that's just wrong. Forget her, and forget him--either are a waste of your time. Even if you knew he was married, he would probably be lying to you about something anyway. I can't imagine being in your situation--my MM told me he's married (well okay, I asked because he was trying to make it sound like he wasn't). If anything, HE is the whore!!!! That jerk will go straight to the underworld for what he did to you and his wife. Shame on him--you're the victim, not the enemy, so don't think of yourself as a whore, but thank that wife from saving you for more trouble than you already feel you are in.

[Trimmer]

Somtimes I think that this is compliacted because of al the lies, that perhaps he would come back if it wasnt for the lies. But I dont know. I dont think so.

stunned - today's theme: the man you were with wouldn't even exist if it weren't for the lies, so there's not even a fantasy scenario where you can remove the lies and still have that man. The man you had a relationship with was a facade; a fabrication, a thin water-slick bubble filled with the noxious fumes of deception and lies. That man - the exotic, adventuresome mountain climber - he is the lies; remove the lies and he disappears into a wisp of vapor, leaving you coughing and bewildered.

 

I know you will all say why should I care about what a low life piece of scum thinks of me. I wish I didnt.

I just want to feel better. I dont like feeling cheap. I want to put this behind me. I have no idea how to do it.

You are right, I will tell you not to care about what he thinks of you, but I do accept that your feelings about yourself are still valid, and painful.

 

Your value cannot be lowered by someone else's betrayal. The value we are talking about cannot be taken away from the outside. I think your value is better defined by who you are, what you give - and frankly, what you expect in return, than by what someone outside you gives or takes or betrays.

 

Your value is not defined by the value someone else places on you, but on the value you place on yourself, and whether you believe me or not, I think I see evidence that you place a high value on yourself, as you should.

 

I can only echo norajane, and I've said it before: you trusted, and gave of yourself from an honest and genuine place, and you expected that you were worthy of a genuine connection in return. That defines your value. Your pain at betrayal is genuine and deep. That defines your humanity.

 

Your inability to detect the complex and well-crafted lies of a psychopath or to understand his motivations are understandable. Those don't make you cheap.

 

I know your pain is real, and it's all yours, but his betrayal is actually not about you. It's about the twisted, cruel, warped world he lives in. It's about his taking brutal advantage of an honest and giving person. His betrayal does not shine any light or insight onto the nature of your soul. Don't let your sense of your own value, your self-worth, evaporate along with the false image of him.

 

Don't define your worth in terms of a man: real, false, or imagined.

[Gwyneth]

A year ago this week, I found out that someone had stolen my identity. My life fell apart. I cannot even explain how upset I was to find out that my whole life had turned upside down within a matter of seconds.

 

I bring this up because as the OW myself, I find some of Your stories as OW similiar to mine of the identity theft in that I felt that i was living a life of lies. For two years someone was walking around trying to be me and I had no idea. I thought I knew who I was. It's hard for me to explain why I feel the situation of an identity theft is similiar to that of a man who lies about who he is--maybe some can help me explain this. I got through it though--thousands of dollars later.

 

For me and my affair with the MM, yes, it's sinful, and I "think" he's telling me the truth, but I just don't know. In comparing this to my ID theft case, I "thought" my credit was safe--I had credit checks done by many companies who Could have told me someone was using my ID, but they didn't tell me. I was under false impressions about my life similiar to you were about your relationship with the married man. For the entire time you were having this relatioship with the MM, you knew only what you knew, and would Never have thought otherwise--same as I thought about my credit and ID. So I can imagine just how beside yourself you were when you found out he was married--especially from finding out from the wife of all people. I found out by accident my ID was stolen.

 

I'm not trying to compare my situation with yours in a way that I'm trying to make my case seem worse, but I'm just trying to see the situation from your perspective, and this is one of the ways I am able to do this. I'm sorry if this offends you--I have no intention of doing so.

[GreenEyedLady]

You are really beating yourself up...You need to grieve the loss you have experienced...You need to let yourself feel better...

 

(((HUGS)))

[imstunned]

thanks for the support. I was reading these posts at 4 am in the morning after having what must be the 3rd nightmare in a row. They are vivid and terrifyingly violent. They are about my friends either beating the crap out of somebody or getting beating to a pulp. After being physically abused years ago in a relationship I'm no stranger to dreams like this, but I'm not sure why they are resurfacing now. They also involve my friends who are being violent finding stuff out about my exx mm - like him fiding another ow right away etc.

 

Any way - after waking scared out of my wits again I have made 2 decisisons. I'm ready to really admit I'm not coping with this and need some help. I am going to try and seek some IC. Second - If I can find their number I'm going to call his wife. I'm going to blow his life apart.

[Trimmer]

stunned - I think you've been very strong, but I also think that there's a lot to be said for getting some help. My experience with a counselor has been very helpful. I was able to work out some anger and other stuff I had inside that might well have come out in other ways that wouldn't have been so healthy.

 

I think that you've got a lot inside you - some of it from this recent horrible trauma, and maybe some things from your past that are layered over and under it. Your dreams are probably a manifestation of some of this stuff, and the interactions between your various experiences. Go get into some IC, go with an open and honest heart and commit yourself to the process, and I hope it will help you as much as it helped me.

 

Holding this stuff in, swallowing it down and trying to supress it won't work in the long run. It will simmer and boil and eventually it will come out - whether in a long, slow toxic leak or one or more big explosions - one way or another.

 

I don't know what to tell you about contacting the wife. You are certainly, absolutely within rights to bring the truth to light. My only concern is for its effect on you: whether it would be a helpful part of your healing, or whether it might increase - or prolong - your trauma. Maybe get into IC first and see if you can get started there and you may either get some guidance, or be able to make a decision on that one later.

 

Hang in there....

[Shades of Grey]

[i realise I have been in serious denial - or shock. Or both. Now I can see what has happened. I can only now see how badly I was used. Its left me feeling like the cheapest wh*re on earth. I have been trawling through this forum - read a very long post from the summer about how men can so easily throw the OW under the bus - and it did nothing but confirm that i was nothing but a tool to be used by my ex mm for sex.)[/i]

 

 

 

To be honest I don't think this is true I'm stunned. I'm sure he could have got a quick s*hag from anywhere if he chose to. You were in that relationship and i'm sure you wouldn't be feeling the way you do now if it wasn't a good one on many levels. Yes it was based (from his side) on lies and deceit but the fact that he kept up this elaborate facade for so many months and made you feel the way you did about him suggests that his actual feelings for you were probably genuine.

 

I know this may seem irrelevant now that he has exposed his true colours (and what colours they are) but you say you are left feeling like he thought of you as a "cheap whore". I honestly believe that he didn't see you in that way. Like Trimmer said affairs are rarely just about Sex.

 

And I can so understand how you want him to have the guts to come round and explain all this to you. But I think you're right about the lies and deceit making things complicated. He must feel (damn you'd hope) hideously ashamed, embarrassed and guilty that he has been exposed in this way. He's obviously in some sort of denial mode and the easiest thing to do is to hide and pretend it didn't happen. That doesn't mean to say however that under the surface it is so easily dismissed.

 

It also obviously pains you to think that you were the one who apparently helped him to realise that he loved his wife. Sorry but that's utter bo**llocks. A man who can treat his wife with such contempt does not love her. That's just something he said in a moment of panic to throw you off the scent. And don't forget that this man did not sit you down, confess all to you and apologise for his unforgivable behaviour proclaiming that he had realised his love for his wife and wanted to make things right. He was caught out!!! And he ran away. And he said whatever he needed to say to you to get there quicker.

 

When someone makes you feel like s*it, it doesn't make you s*it. You sound like a beautiful, kind hearted, loyal, trusting, caring woman and he treated you like s*it, that makes him s*it beyond belief. You are the person you always were. Bruised and hurt but no different. xxx

[frannie]

I'm sorry to post again. I am a bit of a stuck record. But If I dont post I'll go nuts. I'll text him. I dont want to do that. I just need to talk.

 

I realise I have been in serious denial - or shock. Or both. Now I can see what has happened. I can only now see how badly I was used. Its left me feeling like the cheapest wh*re on earth. I have been trawling through this forum - read a very long post from the summer about how men can so easily throw the OW under the bus - and it did nothing but confirm that i was nothing but a tool to be used by my ex mm for sex.

 

I read other OW's threads about how their exmm are trying or are getting in touch when they are doing NC. I would give anythign for my exmm to try and get in touch. It would make me feel less bad, and let me know that somewhere inside him he cares or cared about me. Now the shock and denial has passed I feel nothing but sadness at how anyone could treat somebody so so badly. I have been going round and round in circles - did he like me? did he use me? WTF? and I have sadly settled on thinking I was just used for sex. A hole. And a free one at that.

 

Before we had contact 3 weeks after his wife called I was desperate for closure. I got it and feel like I have taken many steps back. I now know that its over, he isnt comming back, but I am well and truly stuck with how the hell I am going to move on from feeling so cheap. So used. When I sleep with somebody - I like them. I feel a connection. I think he slept with me as I was willing and I have a pulse.

 

Somtimes I think that this is compliacted because of al the lies, that perhaps he would come back if it wasnt for the lies. But I dont know. I dont think so.

 

I'm convinced he has done this before. When I met him he was out with his friend. His friend didnt bat an eye lid at the two of us kissing all night. WHy did I have to be the one affair that wakes him up to how much he loves his wife.

 

I know you will all say why should I care about what a low life piece of scum thinks of me. I wish I didnt.

 

I just want to feel better. I dont like feeling cheap. I want to put this behind me. I have no idea how to do it.

 

imstunned it's great that you have begun to realise how badly he used you. That's a fantastic breakthrough, eh..? No more romanticising him (perhaps)... maybe even moving towards hoping he will never call you again. Although obviously you will be feeling ambivalent about that... isn't it easier to think that he isn't the monster that everyone seems to think, that he did really 'care'... because the alternative is pretty scary... a man exists who could do that to another person, and you might meet another man like that so how do you trust again..? I had the same issues, especially trust. It's far easier to imagine there has been some kind of mistake, that things can be put right, explained... that he'll apologise...

 

I think the dreams of your 'friends' attacking him and your conscious desire to blow his life apart are probably just one and the same thing... wishing him harm for having hurt you. I'm no expert of course that's just my opinion! But as you're aware, I ended up getting 'revenge' on the man who had tried to strangle me, must have been 9 months after he left. So once again I empathise with you there (although I may be projecting I have no clue!)

 

The one thing I really wanted to comment on however, was your talking about yourself as a hole, and a whore and all that. And the tendency coming through in your posts to blame yourself (rather than him, the real culprit here). And the tendency it seems to see your own value in how others treat you or describe you or see you. So much so that it makes you terribly vulnerable. If we need others to approve of us, then we can end up jumping through hoops to get their approval... and people like your MM can smell that a mile away, and use it to their advantage.

 

You're not any of those things, nor does anyone have the right to label you as such no matter what you have done or not done. The world is full of finger-pointers, judgmental people, moralisers, plenty of them on LS too, there's no need to do it to yourself! You're not ANYTHING because of anything, you're just you, human, mistake-maker along with the rest of us. You're not lacking in morals, gullible, stupid, worthless, wrong for wanting to get your own back, or even wrong for wanting him to apologise and make it all right. It's all just normal and natural.

 

The question I suppose is whether it's working for you. I think being angry with HIM is great... turning that anger on yourself, not so great. What HE did doesn't make YOU anything. What he thinks of you is absolutely irrelevant. What people say about OW on here is irrelevant. Those are their issues, not yours. Actually I find reading here pretty depressing at times, because there's so much negativity, so much finger-pointing. And people with a tendency to self-blame don't seem to do so well here, what with all the brow-breating. You haven't had that on your threads because you were blindsided by a MM, but reading some other threads could be counter-productive to your mindset. There is no reason to label yourself a 'whore' because that word is used on this board by some people in some contexts. Some days I feel like I need a wash by the time I've finished reading.

 

Anyway, I'm glad that you're still posting and thrashing out your thoughts here, rather than being in contact with him. Remember there are lots of other places out there you can read, ones that might concentrate more on his problems (rather than just being a lying MM), and ones that might help you with the aftermath of being involved with him. You're not to blame for what he did, but I think you could take a lot of strength from what happened, from seeing some things in yourself that made you vulnerable to him (and those are NOT 'being a whore'), and that you can work on. I think that that would be a good way to proceed, rather than getting stuck in self-depreciation and self-blame.

[marlena]

If we need others to approve of us, then we can end up jumping through hoops to get their approval... and people like your MM can smell that a mile away, and use it to their advantage.

 

 

Never a truer word has been spoken. Stun, I will say it one more time. You were targeted. This kind of man sniffs out women who are vulnerable, sensitive, yes even gullible and in the worst case scenario desperate. Like Frannie has said, your value as a human being comes from within yourself. It's simple, really. Well, maybe not that simple, as it took me years to understand and acknowledge this. Others will value you if and when you start to value yourself.

 

A friend of mine once told and she was a woman. Marlena, you are an easy target. Bad men, men with an agenda let's say, can sniff you out a mile away. I was deeply offended and couldn't grasp what she was saying. Years down the road and after a few more heartbreaks, it finally dawned on me what she was saying. Being too sensitive, too honest, too trusting can be a bad thing. I know this sounds terrible but this is a reality of life we have to accept.

 

Stun, now you have learned a valuable lesson. As did I. Be careful, very careful, to whom you unconditionally give your heart away to. And as I tell my daughter, at the very first signs, RUN. Value yourself more than anyone. One day if you make this your creed, one man will value you even more.

 

Stun, you are healing. Slowly but surely despite the setbacks. You are an intelligent lady and soon very soon you will NEVER want to see or hear from this man again.

[Freedom Now]

My xMM lied about being married, also. I, too, fell in love with what I thought was a single and available man. For me, he was "the one."

 

And when his wife found out about me, he, too, threw me in front of the bus. He said that we were just "friends..."

 

Anyway, my xMM was one of those blokes who decided to contact me after D-day. Over and over and over again, I may add.

 

The only thing that did was prolong my healing. Honest to God.

 

It took me a year to get over that piece of garbage because he just wouldn't leave me alone completely.

 

Hang in there. You are going through a whirlwind of emotions. It will take time to settle, but the people here will help you.

 

There are those of us who made it to the other side of the pain and found strength and peace.

 

You, too, will be one of them.

[Tomcat33]

I'm sorry to post again. I am a bit of a stuck record. But If I dont post I'll go nuts. I'll text him. I dont want to do that. I just need to talk.

 

You should post as many times as you like until you feel the emotions pass, you do what it takes to get yourself though those dark days, that is why this forum is here...and there is always a listening ear willing to help you through. Journal to yourself as well, it really helps to put all the emotions down on paper. I found that I would find extremely helpful to write my ex long letters with everything I felt and all the hateful things I was experiencing, of course I would not send the letter, but just putting everything down in writing was such a relief from having to carry it arround in my head. Purge your thoughts when you feel the load gets too heavy. And for heavens sake don't feel bad because you can't move on just yet, my goodness it is still all so fresh how could you be ready to move on emotionally? Everyone has their own time lapeses that they need to go through, NO one can tell you how long something should take you to get over because everyone is different.

 

I realise I have been in serious denial - or shock. Or both. Now I can see what has happened. I can only now see how badly I was used. Its left me feeling like the cheapest wh*re on earth. I have been trawling through this forum - read a very long post from the summer about how men can so easily throw the OW under the bus - and it did nothing but confirm that i was nothing but a tool to be used by my ex mm for sex.

 

Imstunned it really irks me to hear you talk about yourself in such a low way, I understand it is how you are feeling right now but ask yourself this and really think about the question: how can you think of yourself as a wh*re when you had no idea this man was playing you? Even a woman who willingly falls for a married guy is not a wh*re, she is just human. My goodness if we throw that term around so losely what is left to describe and actual wh*res? LOL (trying to chear you up here ;-)

He did not play you because you are a wh*re he played you because he is a twisted person who preys on women, you happened to be one of his victims but if you blame yourself you are giving him even more power.

 

I read other OW's threads about how their exmm are trying or are getting in touch when they are doing NC. I would give anythign for my exmm to try and get in touch. It would make me feel less bad, and let me know that somewhere inside him he cares or cared about me. Now the shock and denial has passed I feel nothing but sadness at how anyone could treat somebody so so badly. I have been going round and round in circles - did he like me? did he use me? WTF? and I have sadly settled on thinking I was just used for sex. A hole. And a free one at that.

 

I understand that the basic psychology is that if he still contacts me I meant something to him. You see the reason some men break the NC rule is because they are weak, they are lost in what they did and they simply don't have the strength or power of conviction to go through with their own decisions, again it is less a reflection on the women they are contacting and more about THEM. If your guy does this regularly, which given how his friend reacted the night the two of you met it seems he absolutely does, then he is good at getting what he wants and moving on when he has had his fill because he has had practice at it. He is just better at the game than other cheaters, that's all. It has no bearing on you, it is THEIR ability to con that is keener than the average cheater.

 

Before we had contact 3 weeks after his wife called I was desperate for closure. I got it and feel like I have taken many steps back. I now know that its over, he isnt comming back, but I am well and truly stuck with how the hell I am going to move on from feeling so cheap. So used. When I sleep with somebody - I like them. I feel a connection. I think he slept with me as I was willing and I have a pulse.

 

Having been where you are in my own way let me tell you that the step back is not a sign of regression even though you don't see it now and it does feel that way. The steps back will happen you are not to beat yourself up for that, because once you take that step back when you come out if it again you come back twice as strong. You might even have more steps back and that's fine too, because in time each step back that you take gets easier to deal with and eventually you won't even see it as a step back you will see it as the natural course you need to be on to move on, this is how you heal Imstunned. Everything is too raw for you right now and it is very hard to see beyond the pain and the anger and the selfloathing you are feeling right now, but believe it or not this is exactly where you should be in order to move on. You need to ride it out and go through each phase of letting go and dealing with your mixed emtions.

 

Closure is a myth, we all think that if only I could get X then I would have closure but that's not true, you can have X and if you are not ready to move past the pain then nothing will do. Closure is knowing that no matter what comes your way that you are convinced that what happened was horrible but you survived it and you are better of for it even if it was a terrible thing. The day you can see this situation for what it is and feel like you are # 1 again and stop blaming yourself for what some twisted "fck" did to you, is the day you have gained closure. For now you are going through the natural process of self loathing and pain to get you to the point you need to be.

 

 

I just want to feel better. I dont like feeling cheap. I want to put this behind me. I have no idea how to do it.

 

I know you do hun I know your pain all too well, somedays it feels like you won't even make it through that day but just focus on getting though today and in baby steps you are going to start to think more clearly and feel good about yourself again. This man stripped of your self confidence and your dreams and love, so how could you not feel terrible? I can assure you that once you start to pull yourself out of this a little, the recovery happens like a chain reaction. Each day gets a little better until one day you feel a set back coming on and it is nothing more than a faint memory of something confusing in the distant past. He will be nothing more than a concept, he would't even feel human any more and that's the day you truly move on.

[imstunned]

Thank you all so much for your support. It helps me so so much. Sometimes some of your words move me to tears, not in a bad way - I just find them very profund.

 

I'm very confused. And feel like I cant wait to get my ass into therapy. I am aware that I am turing it all inwards on myself - even though I know I'm a decent person, hell - I was quite a catch for him, but that dosent matter- its what i do. Its what I did when I was physicaly abused. In an effort to understand why a man would spit on me and hit me I decided I must be a pretty ****ty person to deserve that - rather than recognising that the man who did that to me was just an A**HOLE. I stayed with him for two years after the abuse started.

 

This is similar. To try and make sense of what he has done - I think well - I'f I am being used for sex, then I must be worth nothing more than that. Somewhere deep inside me I feel contaminated by this man. Like I am a porus surface and his nastyness is just sinking deeper and deeper into me and into my very core. And yet at the same time I'm desperate for it all somehow to be okay. To think that perhaps one day he will be in touch, say how truly sorry he is, and that it could all be okay. That we could be together. Naturally I KNOW its not possible. And who would want a man who cheats on his young wife who is at home looking after his young baby and toddler. In my right mind not me - but that need to put everything right and not to face the truth which hurts beyond comprehension is so very strong.

 

Without this forum I would be so very very lost. I'm still going round in circles - to such an extent I almost feel dizzy. I think he used me for sex - I'm worthless - then I think - HELL = he liked me - there was something there. I dont know which I will settle on in the end. Feeling like a cheap whore isnt fun. But then his actions dont show that he cares - so I cant see me tinking that he ever did. But 8 months? I know its not years and years, but its not like a one night stand. Oh christ - just fast forward me to the day where I dont care anymore!!

 

Oh - I cant call the wife - even if I did decide to go through with it. I cant find their number.

 

Thank you all again for your patience and understanding. I know I'm getting alot form this forum and I am very very grateful. x

[norajane]

I think he used me for sex - I'm worthless - then I think - HELL = he liked me - there was something there. I dont know which I will settle on in the end. Feeling like a cheap whore isnt fun. But then his actions dont show that he cares - so I cant see me tinking that he ever did. But 8 months? I know its not years and years, but its not like a one night stand. Oh christ - just fast forward me to the day where I dont care anymore!!

When you do reach closure - and you WILL! - you won't be thinking in these terms anymore. You'll realize his actions and what he felt or didn't feel have absolutely no bearing on your worth. You will merely be repulsed by him in every way.

 

Even now, you're already starting to feel sorry for his wife and their young children, because deep down inside, you know HE is the one who is worthless, and anyone who is associated with him will suffer for it.

 

You are so free of that piece of garbage - lucky you!!

 

Don't beat yourself up so much! Be kind to yourself. Pamper yourself. Get a massage. Gather a couple friends and go for Sunday High Tea at one of the fancy hotels in our city. Get a new hairdo and outfit for the upcoming holidays. Buy yourself a Christmas gift. Love yourself and ease up on all the negative thoughts.

[imstunned]

Round and round in cricles - feel like I'm going mad. . .

 

It was ALL I could do this morning not to text him telling how much I miss him. I feel despreate to make contact with him, see him, hold him. I have never gone back and forth with something so much in my whole life. I wont be texting him telling him I miss him - I'm posting here instead. I'm hoping that my Dr will be able to point me in the direction of the professional help that I think I clearly need. I just dont seem to be able to move on and let this go. I am totally miserable. I think its his youngets babies 1st birthday this month - then chrsitmas. Happy Bloody families. Its like torture and groundhog day. I hate it.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

PLEASE make me understand how you can feel ANYTHING for a lying con man? I keep reading this all over this board, about women who were LIED to from Day #1 by selfish CON MEN and end up crying into their stew when the loser is out of their lives.

 

I've actually seen the words "grieve" and "loss" here - like you've actually LOST something worthwhile.

 

You haven't.

 

You lost a lying, cheating CON MAN and nothing more.

 

In fact, you should be down on your knees THANKING the powers that be that this human waste dump is gone from your life.

 

I just dont' get it.

 

I simply don't.

[frannie]

Round and round in cricles - feel like I'm going mad. . .

 

It was ALL I could do this morning not to text him telling how much I miss him. I feel despreate to make contact with him, see him, hold him. I have never gone back and forth with something so much in my whole life. I wont be texting him telling him I miss him - I'm posting here instead. I'm hoping that my Dr will be able to point me in the direction of the professional help that I think I clearly need. I just dont seem to be able to move on and let this go. I am totally miserable. I think its his youngets babies 1st birthday this month - then chrsitmas. Happy Bloody families. Its like torture and groundhog day. I hate it.

 

It is going to be hard, but you will get through this imstunned. You're already being fantastically strong. Far stronger than I was at this point. The thing is, you miss what you'd been led to believe in... a him that's not there. The fact you now know that he never really existed doesn't mean that 'he' can just be snuffed out of your life like a candle. It will still take time to grieve... and an odd kind of grief, because you know what you believed in was never there.

 

Please try to remember, however, that there are no 'happy families' at home. Even if he can manage to play the doting father, as a kind of role, it will be hollow, not true. Ditto the adoring husband. Please, please do some reading on Narcisissm and related disorders to get an idea of this... he's NOT at home happy, while you're left out in the cold. He is the one out in the cold and always will be unless he gets help. YOU are the one who will go on to have good, sane, relationships...

 

Please try to remember that, because you're just torturing yourself here.. (( hugs ))

[imstunned]

thanks for the support guys. Today has been grim. I broke down at work and hid in the toilet crying. I cant seem to stop spiraling down and down. I suspect I am very depressed, and thats why I cant snap out of it, let go and move on. My life has been very difficult over the last few years - this guy - he has pushed me over the edge.

[whichwayisup]

Don't wait. Make that Dr appt tomorrow and get some therapy, maybe even consider to go on meds so you won't continue this downspiral. You'd be surprised how quickly major depression can slip into your life, so nip it in the butt right now before you can't get out of bed.

 

Sorry you're feelin so down today. Just take things one day at a time.

[marlena]

WWWI,

You are going to get sick and tired of my agreeing with you all the time.

 

Stun,

 

Yes, see a doctor pronto. Parhaps some mild anti - depressants will help you get over the hump. I know how it feels when things just add up and it all seems to much to bear. You'll be Ok!!! What happened to that date?