Shades of Grey Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 For those of you who don't know my story I had a long term relationship with an MM which culminated in him moving out for six months. 5 months ago he returned home after increasing pressure from the W saying that he had to do it for the sake of his kids. I have been to hell and back the past few months trying to come to terms with what happened. I initiated NC a few months ago and for the most part he has respected that, however more and more so lately he has been contacting me in various small ways. Driving past my house, calling my voicemail, a text at midnight on my birthday etc etc. Today he e-mailed me saying that he wanted to send me a book he had been reading. I responded saying "what do you want from me? And please don't say "I don't know" "nothing" "sorry" i'll leave you alone" I couldn't bear it." He responded with the following: "As always you ask a very astute question... I appear to be obsesed with you and don't appear to be able to cut you out of my life and ignore you and forget you and put distance between you and I; and when you're obsessed with someone you want them and you behave irrationally and you are driven to do stupid things... but i am sorry for being like this it would be so much easier if i weren't... read the book it tells it so much better than I can" xxx Don't get me wrong I have no intention of starting up any kind of friendship or encouraging contact. I will read the book because I know I can't help myself and frankly i'll look for answers anywhere but he made his decision as far as i'm concerned. However I can't seem to make myself tell him to leave me completely alone. We're talking occasional signs here not obsessive stalking or anything. I guess if i'm honest I find some comfort in the fact that he hasn't just swept our relationship from his mind and despite the fact that it can never be I did mean something to him. Is it ok to draw strength from the fact that he cares even if I don't react to it? I hope this makes sense.
whichwayisup Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Tell him to get over it, seek some counselling because he has chosen to stay at home with his wife and kids so therefore he cannot be doing driveby's and contacting you for made up reasons so you'll talk to him. He has said he is obsessed with you - That isn't LOVE, it's a habitual thing he's gotten used to...And you're like his drug he's missing, which is why he won't leave you alone. Sorry, I don't mean to diminish what you had with him, but his behaviour and the fact he's told you he feels obsessed isn't healthy.
TogetherForever Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Shades, I wish that you wouldn't read the book. If it it mailed to you, you can write "Return to sender" on it. He claimed in his message to you that He's obsessed with you. He can't leave you alone, etc... He never once in that message said he loves you & is leaving his present relationship to be with you. Seriously now, you are better w/o him! If he attempts to hand you that book, don't accept it. In fact: I'll buy you the book & send it to you if you wanna read it that bad. :)TF
whichwayisup Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 If he really loved you, he'd be getting a divorce, not trying to hang onto you and still be in his marriage. He wants you both because he is selfish and has gotten used to having TWO women to meet ALL his needs. Don't be the OW ever again and don't allow yourself to get sucked in.
Author Shades of Grey Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 Don't be the OW ever again and don't allow yourself to get sucked in. Hell i've made a lot of mistakes and bad choices but I don't think i've reached the point of insanity just yet.
Author Shades of Grey Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 Shades, I wish that you wouldn't read the book. If it it mailed to you, you can write "Return to sender" on it. He claimed in his message to you that He's obsessed with you. He can't leave you alone, etc... He never once in that message said he loves you & is leaving his present relationship to be with you. Seriously now, you are better w/o him! If he attempts to hand you that book, don't accept it. In fact: I'll buy you the book & send it to you if you wanna read it that bad. :)TF ha ha thanks TF x
TogetherForever Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 ha ha thanks TF x You're very welcome Shades. Hang tuff!! TF
nadiaj2727 Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Shadesofgrey, he's being very selfish, tell him to leave you alone, no contact, period. He isn't worthy of your time/ thoughts/ attention. What book is it? I'm just curious lol
GreenEyedLady Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 However I can't seem to make myself tell him to leave me completely alone. We're talking occasional signs here not obsessive stalking or anything. I guess if i'm honest I find some comfort in the fact that he hasn't just swept our relationship from his mind and despite the fact that it can never be I did mean something to him. Is it ok to draw strength from the fact that he cares even if I don't react to it? I hope this makes sense. It is ok to draw strength however you can... I do not think that you will ever understand why he made the decision that he did...If understanding will help you move on, then I do not see that as a bad thing...But we will never know what people really think; we only see what they do. Perhaps he wants to justify it to you, but that can never be done...Just know that you have been true to yourself... (((HUGS)))
PoshPrincess Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Well, it definitely made me feel stronger when my R with exMM was at that stage. If that's what you need to be able to cope then it can only be a good thing - at the moment. Realistically, things can't carry on in that way and sooner or later either you really will get fed up with him and move on or else he will. If it's him that gives up on YOU then that is another hurdle you are going to have to deal with. I guess what I am trying to say is that all the time he is making contact with you it's just prolonging the agony and delaying your recovery time. He IS being unfair on you by trying to make contact when you have specifically asked him not to but I can understand it. I would imagine he feels like he's stuck between a rock and a hard place, as they say. He can't leave his kids but, then again, he can't bear the thought of being without you either. I think you can definitely take some comfort from the fact that he is staying in touch although it might not help you in the long term. Saying that, I'm dead jealous and wish it was my exMM trying to make contact with me!
Author Shades of Grey Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 I don't know what the book is Nadia. I'll let you know. (Unless TF steals into the Post Office in the dead of night to intercept it in my best interests) GEL and PP. Thank you for your insights. You two are great x
frannie Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I can't seem to make myself tell him to leave me completely alone. We're talking occasional signs here not obsessive stalking or anything. I guess if i'm honest I find some comfort in the fact that he hasn't just swept our relationship from his mind and despite the fact that it can never be I did mean something to him. Is it ok to draw strength from the fact that he cares even if I don't react to it? I hope this makes sense. You ask whether people think it's ok to draw strength from what he's doing. I don't know SofG. To me it looks like he's continuing to involve you in his issues. How is this helping you? How is reading a book about him going to help you..? Will you not end up feeling more sympathy for him, more understanding..? Is he feeling sympathy for you, staying out of your life, reading books about the 'victims' of other people's obsession, and realising what he's doing to you? I don't know about "drawing strength from the fact he cares" because to me I can't see any 'caring' on his part. He didn't say anything about you at all. It looks very much like it's all about him.
Author Shades of Grey Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 You ask whether people think it's ok to draw strength from what he's doing. I don't know SofG. To me it looks like he's continuing to involve you in his issues. How is this helping you? How is reading a book about him going to help you..? Will you not end up feeling more sympathy for him, more understanding..? Is he feeling sympathy for you, staying out of your life, reading books about the 'victims' of other people's obsession, and realising what he's doing to you? I don't know about "drawing strength from the fact he cares" because to me I can't see any 'caring' on his part. He didn't say anything about you at all. It looks very much like it's all about him. Wow!! You know what Frannie that's actually so true. Amazing the different view you get when someone points out another angle. Thank you.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 In a way, I agree with Frannie SOG. Draw strength from the fact that he is acting selfishly and that you no longer are in a relationship with someone so selfish. If I'm being honest, I would draw strength from the fact that he isn't easily getting over your relationship too, its a human response wanting to see our pain reflected in the person who caused it. But I would be astute enough to know (as I know you are) that his pain is ego-driven - hence the book. Its all about him. Had he sent a book that he believed could help you or give an insight into why he made his decision (if anyone sees a book like that tell me!) then at least it would be in some way count towards
Author Shades of Grey Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 In a way, I agree with Frannie SOG. Draw strength from the fact that he is acting selfishly and that you no longer are in a relationship with someone so selfish. If I'm being honest, I would draw strength from the fact that he isn't easily getting over your relationship too, its a human response wanting to see our pain reflected in the person who caused it. But I would be astute enough to know (as I know you are) that his pain is ego-driven - hence the book. Its all about him. Had he sent a book that he believed could help you or give an insight into why he made his decision (if anyone sees a book like that tell me!) then at least it would be in some way count towards Thanks JNRR, nice to have your insight as always x
NoIDidn't Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 This guy sounds like a self-concerned, self-absorbed, narcissist. Send the book back to him. What is there to understand about his returning home? Accept yes, understand, even he probably doesn't understand that. He doesn't sound like he cares about others one bit. He wants to be understood. He wants to have the object of his obsession. He wants you to accept his decisions. He wants what he wants. What about you? He probably just hopes that if you understand his decision to go back home, that you will take him back on his next time out. And, not to turn this into a flame, but its interesting that its okay for the MM to go through the stage of "mild" stalking, but were it his W its worthy of a RO (for some posters)?! Just a thought I had when I read the line about it being a "stage" for him, that didn't seem to bother Shades.
frannie Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 ... And' date=' not to turn this into a flame, but its interesting that its okay for the MM to go through the stage of "mild" stalking, but were it his W its worthy of a RO (for some posters)?! [/quote'] ... or an OW, if we were reading it on the Infidelity forum..? I agree.
NoIDidn't Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Frannie, I agree with that part too. Hopefully it is just a phase though. I have read to many news articles over the years of the "mild" stalkers, turning into executioners.
Author Shades of Grey Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 Frannie, I agree with that part too. Hopefully it is just a phase though. I have read to many news articles over the years of the "mild" stalkers, turning into executioners. I think "stalking" and certainly "potential executioners" is taking the whole concept a bit too far.
NoIDidn't Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I think "stalking" and certainly "potential executioners" is taking the whole concept a bit too far. Just an observation, shades. Nothing more. Not about you or your MM. I was intrigued by the comment that it was okay for him to do it to you. That's all. Sorry for the threadjack.
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