Is Boring Bad????

[Loaf]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I have been dating a great guy for a year. He is incredibly kind, a total gentleman, and has a goofy sense of humor that always has me smiling. He lifts weights three times a week and is way hotter than I have any right to expect. He’s very attentive, remembers what I say, and spoils me with gifts and attention. In many ways he is a much better bf than I am. I can be flakey, overwrought, and self-absorbed.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]There is one problem. He has no interests, no passions. Aside from me and pepperoni cheese steaks, he is not that excited about anything. He plays basketball a few times a week with his buddies and that is his major hobby. He has decent job delivering auto parts, but has no drive to get involved in anything. He basically wants to buy a nice little house, settle down for the next sixty years and make me happy.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I am better educated, more intelligent and more outgoing than my bf. He is a much more attractive person than I. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I am a busy person. I have a job, a handicapped brother that I take care of, and classes. I travel. I paint. I read poetry. I love being out and about - not clubbing - but concerts, apple festivals, museums, anything. I just have a wide range of interests. I am very engaged in whatever I am into that day.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]He’s always game to go where ever I want - aquarium, gallery opening, rodeo. He always participates, always says that it is was fun. He always listens and responds intelligently when I babble on about a painting or fish that has caught my fancy. Yet I always get the sense that, all things being equal, he would rather be watching C.O.P.S. or football on the couch while I lay with my legs on his lap and read The Economist. (I love to do this too.) [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I think a lot of his attitude is due his early life having been too intense. He was addicted to hard drugs at a very young age and totally out of control. He went to jail for a little over a year and had straightened himself out by age 21. The stories he told me made me cry. He is 32 now and doesn’t even drink. (His past is a non-issue for me. Looking at him now you would never think that that was where his life had been.) [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I know I should I not complain, but I firmly believe the best relationships are those where each person has things that nourish him outside of the relationship and that you and your s.o. should come together for EACH OTHER, not to relieve boredom or give total purpose to your life.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]My friends are horrified that my bf is “so average” and say that I will end up getting bored. They hate that he cannot “hang” intellectually when we all get together. They are waiting for it to end, but it is going so well. They say I am settling. I don’t feel that way at all.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I know I entertain him with my constant preoccupations. I know how safe I feel with him. I know that we are crazy in love with each other. I am just afraid he will end up being unfulfilled. I don’t want him to have just enough to get by – I want him to have all the happiness a guy as amazing my bf deserves.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Right now, I am happy, he is happy. Can it stay that way long term? Is this an “opposites work” situation? Is it just that he likes things simple and I am in constant need of stimulation? Does he have it figured out and I am the one who needs to calm down?[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Anyone is a similar boat? Is boring bad? [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Thanks for any input![/FONT][/sIZE]

[amaysngrace]

Maybe he is easily contented. To me that says he has inner peace. And is okay just being who he is.

 

I don't really see anything wrong with that.

 

Do you think he's boring?

[Loaf]

He dosen't bore me. We can talk for hours. I sometimes wish that he got some of my more obscure references but I am never bored with him around.

 

He is very funny. He is shy and doesn't show his sense of humor to others as much.

 

I just am so different that it is hard for me to see how he can be satisfied. He seems to be though. . .

[nellstar]

He dosen't bore me. We can talk for hours. I sometimes wish that he got some of my more obscure references but I am never bored with him around.

 

He is very funny. He is shy and doesn't show his sense of humor to others as much.

 

I just am so different that it is hard for me to see how he can be satisfied. He seems to be though. . .

 

YOu might want to talk or ask him about it. Hang out more. See if there's a sign that you both can gel together. So far it's good, right?

[tomwiz]

Woman like you puzzle me...you're questioning a guy who seems perfectly content with his life and you. Be thankful for what you have.

[Saxis]

...you're questioning a guy who seems perfectly content with his life and you. Be thankful for what you have.

 

That's kinda what I was getting out of it. Maybe a "too good to be true" syndrome. Just because there is no drama in your relationship, doesn't mean you have to create it. I would only be worried if he took no interest at all in the things you like to do. Don't expect him to change for you. Don't disturb the deep water, so to speak....

[lost4ever]

Your R sounds a great deal like my M....

I am sure you don't know my story, but my H and I have been having a rough year and still trying to work it out...Here's the thing,

after 5 years I thought I was bored, I acted out, trying to get out of the M, I didn't think I was happy....then this morning,

I was driving to work (first time I have spent the night with my H in 4-5 months) and I had a smile on my face, and I felt at peace....I thought I wanted excitment and the thing is a man like my H or your bf will give us whatever we want; We forget that sometimes. In their everyday life they are happy, they have inner peace, so they seem to others (and I admit) to their spouse like they have no ambition, no goals, but really they are just Happy, they are fulfilled....I can tell you, you will become "bored"at times; but I can also tell you that having that problem with your spouse is far better then most of the problems - and to fix that problem all you have to do is tell him, " lets go somewhere, I'm bored", "Lets take a class together" I guess what I am trying to say is you have a great man, there are not many like him around, and you will be fine as long as you remember that your excitement has everything to do with your choices, because he is game for whatever makes you happy

[pollywag]

I know I entertain him with my constant preoccupations. I know how safe I feel with him. I know that we are crazy in love with each other. I am just afraid he will end up being unfulfilled. I don’t want him to have just enough to get by – I want him to have all the happiness a guy as amazing my bf deserves.

 

Right now, I am happy, he is happy. Can it stay that way long term? Is this an “opposites work” situation? Is it just that he likes things simple and I am in constant need of stimulation? Does he have it figured out and I am the one who needs to calm down. Anyone is a similar boat? Is boring

 

I sense some contradiction in your words. On the one hand you assure us that he is happy as he is and yet you worry that he may not be fulfilled? Then you worry that you are happy now but not sure if you can sustain your happiness long term, and question if feeling boredom in the relationship is bad!?!? I am more confused than the time when we discovered Sister Pat sneaking off late at night to watch Pimp My Ride reruns on SPIKE tv. She later joined the brotherhood over at St. Bruce's and came by to visit us sporting a black cassock and facial hair....thankfully it all made sense in the end.

 

I think the concerns you are asking are about you and not your boyfriend, your boyfriend IS happy and content as he is so what you are truly wanting to say is will YOU feel fulfilled down the line with someone who seems to have more simplistic needs out of life than yourself. There is nothing wrong with questioning this since we all have needs and this is a valid need of yours. I gather that what is missing here is that intellectually he may not be extremely stimlting for you and this concerns you.

 

Weigh out what is most important to you and figure out what things you absolutely must have to be happy in a relationship and which ones you can bend a little on. If an intellectual challange is something you cannot do without then you might have to reevaluate why you are with this man, but if you can compromise that aspect with other things you do get that make up for that, then you it's time you accept who he is my child.

 

Remember that in life we are never fulfilled 100% in relationships, picking the perfect mate is about picking the best set of traits that compliment our lives or as I also like to call it "picking the person with the least amount of annoying traits to put up with" and we ALL have annoying traits.

[norajane]

My friends are horrified that my bf is “so average” and say that I will end up getting bored. They hate that he cannot “hang” intellectually when we all get together.

 

What does that mean? You say "He always listens and responds intelligently when I babble on about a painting or fish that has caught my fancy"

 

So why can't he do the same when your friends 'hang' intellectually, whatever that means?

 

I firmly believe the best relationships are those where each person has things that nourish him outside of the relationship and that you and your s.o. should come together for EACH OTHER, not to relieve boredom or give total purpose to your life.

 

Perhaps what you bring to him is new little adventures he wouldn't explore otherwise. Perhaps what he brings to YOU is a sense of stability, security, and a calm within the storm that is your life. Yin/yang, right?

 

Keep in mind, there is no guarantee that, if you date someone with a variety of his own interests, that you'd want to participate in any of them, and you may find some interests that you loathe, and he may have NO interest in your museums and apple picking or whatever.

 

Are you sure that's it's not your friends' opinions about him that is the cause of this worry? You don't want them to think you're settling, and you want them to approve?

 

He's not complaining and seems happy, so it is you that is having the issue. Why? Are you bored? Are you afraid you will become bored? ARe you afraid you will lose respect for him? Do you want him to be more ambitious with his job? Is the little house and making you happy somehow lacking for you?

[Leoni]

There's room in a relationship for two people. Your friends don't belong there. Your man seems like an awesome guy. Why does he need to change?

[Loaf]

I gather that what is missing here is that intellectually he may not be extremely stimlting for you and this concerns you.

 

Weigh out what is most important to you and figure out what things you absolutely must have to be happy in a relationship and which ones you can bend a little on. If an intellectual challange is something you cannot do without then you might have to reevaluate why you are with this man, but if you can compromise that aspect with other things you do get that make up for that, then you it's time you accept who he is my child.

 

Thanks, Polywag! You nailed it.

 

I have always been attracted to brainy/intellectual/accomplished types. It has nothing to do with income just a certain sexiness that comes from being able to ramble passionately and articulately. I’ve always had a huge nerd fetish - economists, sociologists, anybody with messy hair and an advanced degree tripped my trigger. I always felt that it would take someone that intelligent to get me, not because I am that smart, but because I am complex. I think too much, my logic can get very messy. I tend to use convoluted metaphors to express what I’m feeling.

 

My C.O.P.S.-loving jock is the last guy I ever expected to fall for.

 

But bf seems to get it even when he doesn’t know all the words I am using. Even if he has no idea what it is I am prattling on about he gets me. I think he sees through all my B.S. and elaborate constructions and just knows where I am coming from. This freaks me out. It seems too easy or unnatural to not have to explain and justify and analize when I have built my whole personality around those behaviors. It just feels hard for me to let go of something I felt was a necessity for so long. Intellectual challenge is definitely something I need, but I can get that outside the relationship, I think.

[Loaf]

What does that mean? You say "He always listens and responds intelligently when I babble on about a painting or fish that has caught my fancy"

 

So why can't he do the same when your friends 'hang' intellectually, whatever that means?

 

Are you sure that's it's not your friends' opinions about him that is the cause of this worry? You don't want them to think you're settling, and you want them to approve?

 

Good point, Norajane.

 

I do have to admit that my friends’ opinions have a great amount of sway with me. I was single for a long time (no real relationship for 10 years) and formed a very close circle of friends who are very protective. A lot of this is due to the fact that one of them married a guy two years ago who we all said was “nice, but not amazing” – basically, not good enough. Now, she is miseable and ready for a divorce because he is not what she needed.

 

All my friends are afraid that this is her situation all over again. They feel I deserve someone “amazing”.

 

I tell them that I think my bf IS amazing, that he is just good people, that he makes me happy and safe and that I can be honest with him without being afraid. But this is exactly what my friend looking at a divorce said when we questioned her choice to get married two years ago.

 

Bf and I have no problem talking together, but he is self-conscious in general and especially around my friends. Who can blame him? Case in point: we were all talking and my friend said “narcissistic”. Bf asked what the word meant and the future divorcee rattled off the whole myth of Narcissus while I got dirty looks. He didn’t know that Beowulf was epic poem. He didn’t now what the Electoral College was. All things pointed out to me later by my crew. (This behavior is not the norm for my friends they are very laid back, accepting people. It is only b/c he is my romantic interest that they act this way.)

 

My friends also suspect bf’s washboard abs are influencing me too much. This is not the case. I have never been hung-up on appearances. I once dated a guy who was 5’3”, looked like pug and sounded like Gary Coleman because he spoke five languages. (None of which helped him to understand me - it lasted three weeks.)

[amaysngrace]

It sounds like your friends (especially the near to be divorced one) is jealous of your happiness. She's miserable in her marriage so she's trying to bring you down.

 

So what if these chicks went to college? Educated doesn't make you smart. Smart is a lucky genetic trait.

 

Obviously your guy is smart. He chose you.

 

Personally I think brainiacs are boring. They go on and on. I feel like telling them "shut up. be a human".

 

You can tell your friend I said that too.

[latefragment]

I'm kind of with amaysingrace on this one.

 

Your bf sounds like a keeper. Washboard abs? That's a shoo-in in my book! LOL. *drool*

 

Actually I get what you're saying, I get turned on by super intellectual guys. The last guy I dated who was a total brainiac really effed up my head - basically left me cold, no explanation, pulled a complete 180 from warm and lovey to "i don't know you" in the course of a week's time. total coward. But that's not to say that brainiac guys can't be wonderful, nice, and sexy.

 

Anyway, my point is - there's a guy that I met recently whom ... um ... we're complete opposites (I'm more like you - and this guy is more like your bf) but there was such a sense of calm and inner peace that I got when I was with him, he totally understood me, without me even saying anything. And he hasn't even finished school yet but he exudes such a different kind of intelligence, really. I mean, and he's talented at what he does, and he was completely sweet to me.

 

And when I asked him why is he so calm he was like, "i have no hangups and i'm completely confident in myself. that's why I don't say much." which, I have to admit, was so sexy, and surprising - especially because I have a weakness for the "life of the party/class clown/wisecracking smartass" type of guys, i don't know, his response floored me.

 

The point is, I understand the doubts you're having, maybe just time will tell, in your case?

[norajane]

A lot of this is due to the fact that one of them married a guy two years ago who we all said was “nice, but not amazing” – basically, not good enough. Now, she is miseable and ready for a divorce because he is not what she needed.

 

All my friends are afraid that this is her situation all over again. They feel I deserve someone “amazing”.

 

I tell them that I think my bf IS amazing, that he is just good people, that he makes me happy and safe and that I can be honest with him without being afraid. But this is exactly what my friend looking at a divorce said when we questioned her choice to get married two years ago.

 

How long had she known him before getting married? What changed in the two years they were married? He, presumably, was the exact same guy he is now, so why is it now she can't stand it when before marriage he was great?

 

Bf and I have no problem talking together, but he is self-conscious in general and especially around my friends. Who can blame him? Case in point: we were all talking and my friend said “narcissistic”. Bf asked what the word meant and the future divorcee rattled off the whole myth of Narcissus while I got dirty looks. He didn’t know that Beowulf was epic poem. He didn’t now what the Electoral College was. All things pointed out to me later by my crew. (This behavior is not the norm for my friends they are very laid back, accepting people. It is only b/c he is my romantic interest that they act this way.)

 

Maybe if they could try being a little more laid back and accepting, he'd be more comfortable around them, and they'd see what you see in him.

 

In any case, your friends are not the ones who are going to be living with him or marrying him - if things get that far. Maybe they just want you to be with someone who fits in with THEM, but it only matters if you are happy and he is happy. They need to accept your choices.

 

However, if you really are second guessing yourself primarily because of them, then you do need to let this guy go...he needs a woman who won't become unhappy with him in the future simply because her friends' influence has such a significant impact on her and creates doubts where they wouldn't exist otherwise.

[pollywag]

Thanks, Polywag! You nailed it.

 

I have always been attracted to brainy/intellectual/accomplished types. It has nothing to do with income just a certain sexiness that comes from being able to ramble passionately and articulately. I’ve always had a huge nerd fetish - economists, sociologists, anybody with messy hair and an advanced degree tripped my trigger. I always felt that it would take someone that intelligent to get me, not because I am that smart, but because I am complex. I think too much, my logic can get very messy. I tend to use convoluted metaphors to express what I’m feeling.

 

My C.O.P.S.-loving jock is the last guy I ever expected to fall for.

 

But bf seems to get it even when he doesn’t know all the words I am using. Even if he has no idea what it is I am prattling on about he gets me. I think he sees through all my B.S. and elaborate constructions and just knows where I am coming from. This freaks me out. It seems too easy or unnatural to not have to explain and justify and analize when I have built my whole personality around those behaviors. It just feels hard for me to let go of something I felt was a necessity for so long. Intellectual challenge is definitely something I need, but I can get that outside the relationship, I think.

 

 

Loaf, I nailed it because some of what you described could very well be describing me. I've dated the cerebral Shreks that no one saw what I saw in them except for me. Once they got to know them and saw how we were together it totally made sense, we were on the same wavelength and people could see that. So I can totally relate to what you are saying.

 

Look I dont adhere to this mentality that if he can't mesh with your friends then dump your friends they are jealous and are the ones who have the problem. Your social circle is important to you, your outings with this "heady"crowd of yours are fun for you, it's what turns your crank and it is very much a part of who you are, regardless of who finds brainy guys boring. You don't. That's all that matters to you.

 

However what you need to focus on is how this man makes you feel when you are one on one, sure he may not get the reference to Tolstoy's Anna Karenina or even know that Burkina Faso is a country in Africa but how does he make you feel when you are with him? Do you get bored with him when you are alone with him and is the momentary embarassment you feel when he doesn't know the story behind Narcissus big enough that you would be willing to walk away from him due to his lack of knowledge in social siences?

 

Your social network might change overtime but this aspect of this man won't you either learn to accept him as he is or you decide that he is just not cut out to do it for you. I think that if you are questioning boredom now you will question this even more down the line, when the inlove feeling or novelty wears down a bit.

 

If one on one you cannot get over this aspect of him then that is one major need that is not being met and that you are compromising. Exactly how big is this need of yours? You say that he gets you but he is still not with it, so figure out just how much you need this aspect in order to be sitmulated by your partner day to day. You may be compromising something that is just too big to overlook.

 

Some may see this as superficial but it is no different than being attracted to someone who is not fat. We all have our expectations if this is big enough for you, in the long run it will become a point of contention.

 

I should also add, so that you understand what my stance on this topic is, that I don't believe in the adage opposites attract. They may attract but I don't beleive you can sustain a deep fulfilling long term tie with someone that is the complete opposite of what you are. It has not worked for me, call me narcissitic but long term attraction for me is based on commonalities not glaring differences. Glaring differences become annoying after a while, but that's just me.

[JCD]

Seems to me like your friends and you are snobby people. You judge others and mark them down when they don't know something you know. That is a weakness in you and it is you who has problems not you b/f. You need to figure out why. Is it because you lack social skills, being funny and understanding? I think so. So instead you escape and you talk about something that you know but that is not funny but boring. Can you make other people happy? Make them laugh? Maybe you like your b/f because he has something you don't have ie. happiness.

[pollywag]

Seems to me like your friends and you are snobby people. You judge others and mark them down when they don't know something you know. That is a weakness in you and it is you who has problems not you b/f. You need to figure out why. Is it because you lack social skills, being funny and understanding? I think so. So instead you escape and you talk about something that you know but that is not funny but boring. Can you make other people happy? Make them laugh? Maybe you like your b/f because he has something you don't have ie. happiness.

 

 

 

Well here's the pot calling the kettle black. For someone who claims that people who judge people are snobs and weak, then I guess this makes you no different than this woman or her friends.

 

Wanting to feel intellectually stimulated by a mate is no different than wanting someone who is moderately physically attractive or not obese, we all have needs, and we are all entitled to fulfill them even if others see them as supercial needs. I am sure you have your set of superficial needs as well.

 

He who casts the first stone and all.....

[Heavenly55]

He does sound boring bc for me being around those those superintellictual bookworm types woud make me want to shoot myself. You could be the hottest thing walking but if your likes are just way different from mine then it would never work out. But I mean I guess people could say I'm boring too though. I don't have any particular passions. And as far as going out it's either shopping, dinner, clubs or bars. You would never find me at a museum, or art galleries or prancing in a field somewhere. Oh well.