Mr. K. Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 My wife of 12 years two months ago told me she loves me, but is not in love with me. We have two wonderful kids age 9 and 5. She told me that these feelings of hers go back for about 4-5 years. I could tell that something was wrong over the last 6 months or so, but I had no idea that things were this far gone. She has a good friend that has recently (about 4 months ago) separated from his wife, and they are getting divorced. She has stated many times that he only a good friend and that he has basically used her as a sounding board for his own problems. She has said that I am blaming this on him and not dealing with the main problem. I have said I know that the problem is her feelings toward me, but he is a symptom of the problem! I think that either something else is going on there, or will soon. They talk quite a bit on the phone, and text message each other all the time. I have told her that this makes me uncomfortable, but her response is that I must learn to deal with the friendship she has with him. I feel that I have been replaced emotionally with him, and when I told her that, she said she didn't understand how. The ironic thing is that he used to be a friend of mine before she told me about her feelings! Am I wrong about asking her to choose between me and him? About two weeks ago, we decided to separate, and have done so in the following manner. I stay at a friends house during the week and we alternate weekends with the kids. I pick them up at school every day, and am at home with them sometimes through dinner. We are currently doing some major renovations on our house, some of which I am working on, so I have to be around the house. I have started to look for an apartment of my own so that the kids can come with me after school and on the weekends I have them. Does this sound like an odd arrangement? I have tried using self-help books both alone and suggested listening to them together, but she does not agree with their philosophies. I have also gone to counseling, and the counselor strongly urged us to go to counseling together. He feels that even counseling together may be too little too late. I suggested this to my wife, and she flat out refused. I get the feeling from her that she does not want this to work out. I guess I'm just looking for anyone who may have been in this situation, and maybe even just looking to vent to people who may feel the same way.
reboot Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 she loves me, but is not in love with me. She has stated many times that he only a good friend and that he has basically used her as a sounding board for his own problems. She has said that I am blaming this on him and not dealing with the main problem. They talk quite a bit on the phone, and text message each other all the time. I have told her that this makes me uncomfortable, but her response is that I must learn to deal with the friendship she has with him.Sorry to tell you this, be she's having an affair with this guy. Maybe it's not physical yet, but it's still an affair, and I'd be real surprised if it hasn't become physical. Am I wrong about asking her to choose between me and him? Of course not. If she has any desire to save the marriage that's one of the ground rules. He has to go. Forever. No more contact. Ever. No exceptions. It's a deal breaker. About two weeks ago, we decided to separate, and have done so in the following manner.Bad move. Move back home. Tell her if she wants out, she can leave. YOU ARE NOT THE ONE IN THE WRONG HERE. I know you probably aren't a saint, I'm sure you do plenty of things wrong, I'm sure you share blame in the problems of your marriage, but YOU SHARE NO BLAME FOR HER CHEATING. You need to get evidence of this affair. Hire a PI, whatever. Also consult an attorney. Even if you don't want a divorce as you may have no choice. Plus, if you want to save your marriage, you need ammunition to fight it. You're going to have to blow up the affair. Do some reading in the infidelity forum, you are not alone. You'll find a TON of threads that you'll think you started... Hang tough and good luck. It's going to be a wild ride. Take my word for it.....
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 She thinks that you are not giving her what she wants (attention, affection, adoration) and therefore seeking it from someone else. Do whatever it takes to get her back, if you want her back. She's not leaving you because of him. She's leaving you because of what is missing (from her point of view) in the relationship. I would not concern myself with this friend of hers. He's a filler to what she feels you are not giving her. If you want her to stay, give her what she is missing. If you are done, then walk away without a scene (for all parties involved, especially the children).
seibert253 Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 You wife's been having an emotional affair with this other chap, plain and simple. She's been engaging in conversation and sharing personal feelings with another man, which should be kept for you. It may have progressed to being physical, but we haven't learned of that yet. It's easy to say this is simple to fix, because for you and your wife it is not. But, here's how I see it; If you want to save your relationship and marriage, express this to your wife, admit your faults, and ensure to her your intent to work to correct these. If she too wishes to save what you have then there's a few things you need from her: 1. She must end contact with the other man (this is not negotiable) 2. She must agree to faithfully and full embrace marriage counseling for both of you. I also think individual counseling will be very helpful. 3. She must be totally honest about EVERYTHING. If she will not accept this, then start planning for divorce. Gather all evidence of her infidelity and save this. Also, since she's the one who wants to give up, she should be the one looking elsewhere for living arraingments. Peace and good luck
MattN Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Ahhh the " I love you but I'm not in love with you" speach. Its all the same over and over. Being in your shoes almost 1 1/2 years ago my advise is to save your dignity and get your evidence together, move back into the house and make her leave and file for divorce. I know your in that stage where you can't believe its happening and theres no way she would do this to you etc etc but I'm telling you BELIEVE IT.. I know others will say chase her and try to convince her and alll that but my opinion is once you get the "love you but not in love with you" speach she has already checked out of the marriage and anything you say or chasing you do will just push her away more. Stay stronge man and good luck it will get better in time trust me..
jtalia Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Okay, I am the one who loves my H but not in love with him. It does happen. I was verbally abused for so long that I have fell out of love with him. I am sure that might not be the similar situation. My H is seriously working on correcting his problems so that we can make our marriage work. But, I did have an affair on him. I was in the same boat as your wife and had a "special" friend that I spoke to about my problems who happened to be male. If the A hasn't happened, it probably soon will. The NC thing is the best for your W to do with her friend. She will be clouded and unable to focus on the M. I know I can't with the MM next door. I agree that you should move back in and her move out. If she is the one wanting to leave the M then she should go. I would not expect my H to leave if I was the one wanting the D.
notspiritual Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Move back to the house and feed her with some emotional crack if you want to keep her. Most women love the emotional drama. They need it like crack, it does not matter where she gets it from, it could be a novel, a TV show, a co-worker, the ex-boyfriend, the pizza delivery guy, anyone. And she’ll drop you in no time to fulfill her emotional needs. This makes them quite easy to be controlled and manipulated. Women don’t think with logic, they think with emotions. Some women have overcome that stupid phase and have become great achievers and great life partner. There is nothing more beautiful than an intelligent woman.
Author Mr. K. Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 So if I just move back in, and tell her that if she wants out, then she should leave? What happens if she refuses to leave? What if she says she will take the kids with her? I am really unsure what to do.http://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/red/smilies/mad.gif
reboot Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I did advise you to talk to a lawyer. The advice here can be pretty good, but don't put your future in the hands of LoveShack.
Author Mr. K. Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 I am retaining a lawyer tomorrow. BTW - she left the house tonite and will be staying at a friend's. I will be staying at home with the kids. I don't know for how long. I guess this is what they call tough love, huh?
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I am retaining a lawyer tomorrow. BTW - she left the house tonite and will be staying at a friend's. I will be staying at home with the kids. I don't know for how long. I guess this is what they call tough love, huh? While your at it, change the locks! lol. Either you stop the divorce by exposing the affair or you let it happen on your watch. IT's up to you. To do what must be done. She'll hjate you for it because affairs are like drugs to people, they get caught up in it. And then when the affair is exposed either the OM throws her under the bus and she sees how he truly is or he continues doing what he's doing and then he might get tired of your wife anyway and dump her later. Who knows. But one things for sure you are the master of your own destiny. It's time to detach and start living for yourself and your kids.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Stop right now and whatever you're doing head to the bookstore TODAY and buy "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. Read it ASAP. She is having an affair, period. If she wants to separate then she can leave. Do not leave your home. I repeat, do not leave your home. Right now, she's using you as a babysitter and for financial reasons. Instead of staying with a friend last night she was probably with OM. Tell her you're not moving out that if she doesn't want to work on the marriage then she can leave. Then move back into your bedroom!!! Also, while you're at it google marriagebuilders and start reading there. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
smokiejjj Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 I am retaining a lawyer tomorrow. BTW - she left the house tonite and will be staying at a friend's. I will be staying at home with the kids. I don't know for how long. I guess this is what they call tough love, huh? For sure stay in your home.
asiasun Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Hi Mr. K, Wow, your story is quite similar like mine. I thought that we were happily married. We have 2 lovely children as well. Out of the blue, my husband, said that he falled out of love with me. This is my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t134006/ He also said that he shared his feelings with his coworker, and after some more solid evidences that I found, it turned out that he is having an affair with her. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry I don't have any brilliant advise, I just want to say that I am sorry you have to go through this, and that I can totally relate with what you're going through right now.
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