scaredinnj Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I am writing this here because I have no one to talk to. My wife and I have been maried for about 7 years, together for 12 this month. I am 36, she is 34. We have no children. Both of us had been overweight for almost all of that time. After the marriage, we both gained quite a bit. This past year, we both have started to go to the gym and eat better. God bless her, she has lost a lot of weight and is now smaller than when we first met. for me, it has been tough, but I am feeling better physically and have lost some weight. With the weight loss, my wife has been looking at all areas of her life. For the past few weeks, it has been really tough for me. She has told me that every aspect of her life is great, except for our relationship. We have had many conversations about it, and I am really scared. She has gone so far as to say that the thing that is missing, has been missing from the beginning. That she stayed with me because I was safe. Basically that there is no spark for her when it comes to me. I feel that there has always been a spark. I believe that it is set to low right now. my definition of romance, passion and initimacy are obviuously very different from what she needs now. Everything that I thought I was doing right, I have been told was wrong. I love this woman with all of being. I would do or say anything to not lose her. We have created a life that I really truly love. We both have jobs that we like, a house that we own. I have had issues in the past with travelling, but have resolved to correct them and have been planning and taking trips with her. We went on a cruise this summer which I thought to be very fun and romantic. I felt the closest I have been to her in a long time. When I asked her about how she felt, she told me that it wasnt romantic at all. I asked her flat out if I have ever done anything to hurt her, and I was told that I have not. I have never cheated on her and could not begin to fathom even thinking about it. I feel guilty just talking to the women I work with. She has said that lately it has crossed her mind and is afraid she may act on it. A few years ago it almost did happen and i was devastated. I have done my best to get over it, but it is something that will never go away. It has played a part in my not being as affectionate and romantic and intimate with her as I would like to. This in turn has pushed her away even more from being that way towards me. I do not want to lose her, and she has said that she does not want to lose me; that she does not want to leave what we do have. But I am scared that this is not so. We have both gone to the same LCSW in the past, most often seperately, but sometimes together. I have made a list of local marriage counselors which I have given to my wife. She has agreed to go to one and see how it goes. She has also promised me that if she does not like the first one we see, she will try it again with someone else. For the record, I am on antidepressants, as I have struggled with depression. I just recently started to go off of one of them, that did a real number on me. It prevented me from having any real emotions. Now tht I have stopped taking it, I am overwhelmed with sadness and cannot stop crying in front of her. She stayed with family this past weekend. I hated that she wasnt here in our bed in the morning. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her.
pyroguy Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I am writing this here because I have no one to talk to. My wife and I have been maried for about 7 years, together for 12 this month. I am 36, she is 34. We have no children. Both of us had been overweight for almost all of that time. After the marriage, we both gained quite a bit. This past year, we both have started to go to the gym and eat better. God bless her, she has lost a lot of weight and is now smaller than when we first met. for me, it has been tough, but I am feeling better physically and have lost some weight. With the weight loss, my wife has been looking at all areas of her life. For the past few weeks, it has been really tough for me. She has told me that every aspect of her life is great, except for our relationship. We have had many conversations about it, and I am really scared. She has gone so far as to say that the thing that is missing, has been missing from the beginning. That she stayed with me because I was safe. Basically that there is no spark for her when it comes to me. I feel that there has always been a spark. I believe that it is set to low right now. my definition of romance, passion and initimacy are obviuously very different from what she needs now. Everything that I thought I was doing right, I have been told was wrong. I love this woman with all of being. I would do or say anything to not lose her. We have created a life that I really truly love. We both have jobs that we like, a house that we own. I have had issues in the past with travelling, but have resolved to correct them and have been planning and taking trips with her. We went on a cruise this summer which I thought to be very fun and romantic. I felt the closest I have been to her in a long time. When I asked her about how she felt, she told me that it wasnt romantic at all. I asked her flat out if I have ever done anything to hurt her, and I was told that I have not. I have never cheated on her and could not begin to fathom even thinking about it. I feel guilty just talking to the women I work with. She has said that lately it has crossed her mind and is afraid she may act on it. A few years ago it almost did happen and i was devastated. I have done my best to get over it, but it is something that will never go away. It has played a part in my not being as affectionate and romantic and intimate with her as I would like to. This in turn has pushed her away even more from being that way towards me. I do not want to lose her, and she has said that she does not want to lose me; that she does not want to leave what we do have. But I am scared that this is not so. We have both gone to the same LCSW in the past, most often seperately, but sometimes together. I have made a list of local marriage counselors which I have given to my wife. She has agreed to go to one and see how it goes. She has also promised me that if she does not like the first one we see, she will try it again with someone else. For the record, I am on antidepressants, as I have struggled with depression. I just recently started to go off of one of them, that did a real number on me. It prevented me from having any real emotions. Now tht I have stopped taking it, I am overwhelmed with sadness and cannot stop crying in front of her. She stayed with family this past weekend. I hated that she wasnt here in our bed in the morning. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her. Well, not knowing her side, she does seem a bit cold. Unfortunately, I've seen this before. scared, I hale from the same state as you, and back in the day, I did some personal training. I don't really like the whole spouse gets back in shape thing- starts getting attention-and bam. It's not just in television that this happens. I've either known or heard od many cases. Now, I'm not saying she's done anything, but her admissions would really bother me. Now, what was she like when SHE was overweight? did she ever provide a spark for you? did she expect you to not have a "spark" when she was overweight? What exactly is she missing? Do you fear she is just not attracted to you? a valid concern. You need real honest answers from her. I will tell you this, You definitely need to get your own confidence in order. I say hit the gym with a vengence. Despite what others may say here, it's a shallow world. In addition, you feel so much better, more attractive when you get fit- I see it all the time. I'm not talking about a bit of progress, set your sites high and stick to it. Do whatever it takes. Hell, I train at 5am nowadays to stay in shape. Maybe she won't like it so much when you transform yourself and start to get attention from other women. More importantly, you need to get a grip on your emotions. Definitely do not cry about her, especially in front of her. be strong, stand up for yourself, do what I said in the above. maybe she's looking for you to be more assertive, passionate, and take charge. Get on the road to doing all that. Maybe it's a touch of the old marry the nice guy, but lust for the badboy? take charge in the bedroom- get aggressive (but not too much). If it still isn't enough, so be it-her loss.
whichwayisup Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Somehow you two need to get back to the place of romance! What brought you two together in the first place? Try to recapture that, make eachother feel good and special. Really focus on her and have fun too. Nothing like sharing laughter and acting like a pair of teens, fooling around, making out etc..Be loving and attentive, and as pyroguy says, be aggressive in the bedroom too. Make her climb those walls.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 It seems you are getting a version of the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech that is the beginning of the end of many relationships. It is also often the first step towards "I'm seeing someone else". Counselling (sooner rather than later) is your best hope... Mr. Lucky
4whatItsWorth Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Oh oh! I know...she's gone from being "nobody wants the fat girl" into "everybody wants a piece of that sexy thing!" i.e. girls who are used to "settling with the first thing who shows them love" pretty quickly forget about their love when they realise all of sudden guys are wanting them... I'm sorry, but things are not bright! I bet she's starting to think "hm..I am now more attractive than my H. Perhaps I can do better?" and if worst comes to worst she'll sleep with some idiot or want a "break to get to know herself" during which she will sleep/date other guys and eventually realise either that the only reason guys now wants her is cos she is hot...(not her personality!) and then she might want you back...but it'll be too late. When she says she thinks things are unromantic...perhaps she sees romance as something completely else to how you view it? Like, if she sees romance/love as bringing her a dozen red roses out of the blue...and you think having sex on the hotel room on that cruise was romance...well, then you'll be screwed (in the bad way) soon if you don't find out how to romance your W! Saying "I stayed with you cos you're "safe"" basically equals "I never really truly loved you...but I thought this is as good as it gets". (In bitchy translation here) Seriously! You need to sit down, TALK to your wife and tell her to let you know how to ROMANCE HER. You can't do mindreading! Don't cry in front of her either...nothing turns a woman off as much as a too emotional guy. If she is leaving...I can GUARANTEE begging or crying will only make her RUN FASTER. I know it hurts and I know you love her...but honestly if you want any shot at keeping her you need to act sooner rather than later. Go to the gym, start thinking "I am a REAL catch!" if you do...eventually you'll believe it yourself and your W will start realise it as well when she sees her H being all manly, hot and confident! Nothing is sexier than a sweet, caring, loving guy who is confident in himself and his own abilities! Hope my advice helps some...
Recommended Posts