Lost and needing guidance BAD

[sylence]

I'm pretty much lost and totally confused...I'm also really surprised that I'm posting on an internet forum about this problem, because I never really saw myself ever needing to do this..But I am begging anyone that can help me, please respond. It's 5:30 in the morning and I have a test in a couple of hours even, but I just can't sleep tonight.. I just cried for the first time in literally years, and my first time crying over a girl, that's why I felt the need to seek assistance on the internet.

 

My ex-girlfriend and I started dating at the very beginning of the previous Fall Semester.. She lost her virginity to me, and we were very, very much in love from early September to late May (She was my rock).. We spent the night together every night and we never ever hung out with our other friends (I needed it a little more than her I believe, cause if I never had time away to myself), and she loved me with every inch of her mind, body, and soul. I was very much in love with her until school got out in May, but I just seemed so suffocated by now that I thought I was losing my mind. I was supposed to go on a trip to Colorado with her family in early July, but a couple weeks before that I made a HUGE mistake and got drunk and made out with a random girl on the beach on a Florida vacation (I know, I know, the worst thing everrrr). I didn't tell Kayla when I got back, even though she asked about if I messed up... What a dumb decision. But she was snooping through my facebook account without my permission one night and questioned me about messages between me and another girl and I kinda lost it and just broke up with her right then and there. I broke her poor heart, it hurt me so bad to look her in the eyes after that but I thought it was for the best.. I thought I would be strong and I didn't really love her anymore, but I really just needed air. And me not telling her the truth about Florida was even worse, two days after I broke up with her, the girl from Florida told her we made out one night, she was crushed. I am on the verge of tears writing this out.. I was so caught up in the moment, I didn't think about the long term effect of my decision (i.e. the fact we have a class together and I have to see her 3 times a week still, so it really grinds the knife into my heart). Up until the end of August I was fine, and we hung out over the summer a couple times and things were amazing, and I was like wow, maybe I messed up? However, I waited way too long, she started talking to another older guy in August which I believe was just to rebound but she ended up really falling for the guy. So now they've been together since the beginning of this semester, and I tried to talk to her, but now that she has someone else it seems like she totally hates me.. She told me one day that it might be possible again, but she really just doesn't care for me at all. I couldn't figure out how things changed so dramatically after not really talking to her for about a month?

 

Now I lay awake at night trying to fall asleep, and I dream about her every other night if not every night.. and mind you, this has been since late August.. This wasn't just a jealous thing, this girl was the girl that you don't let get away, it just hurts so bad seeing her with someone else. I know deep down she has to still have something for me, and every time our class meets she either sits directly in front of me or directly behind me with her roommate. We never speak a word to each other, sometimes an occasional hello, I just want to fix it all so bad and atleast try to be friends, but I just can't seem to get through to her. Then hopefully, I can show her I'm the guy that she really knows I am and she'll take me back.

 

In a nutshell...

I made a big mistake, I've prayed, and prayed.. I've had problems now for a few months that I can't seem to shake (can't sleep, mild depression, loss of focus/disinterested in everything). I've tried to make amends once, but it didn't work so well. It seems like she really would want to be my friend, and she's even said she doesn't like it the way things are between us. I've tried dating, I even thought I was over Kayla, but then it always comes back. I want to her to want me so bad, and I would seriously do anything for this girl. Any help, please, I'm all ears.. But before you say ah, you total prick, you deserve everything you've given yourself.. Please, I know, I am the guy now that finally opened his eyes, and truly will never be able to forgive myself for this mistake, but please bear with me that I thought it was the best choice..

[Tripper]

Sorry for your pain and anguish, sylence. This is one of those lessons in life that will ultimately make you a better person as you mature into a man.

 

Dealing with the pain is not easy when you realize you truly f**ked up and can't undo it. But you may be able to fix it going forward. You are probably suffering from mild depression so see your doctor and get something temporarily to help you through this. A temporary anti-depressant may take a few weeks to get you back on track but you need to get your focus back and not neglect your education.

 

Either call, write or meet Kayla face to face. You need to apologize for your horrible behaviour. This is not the time to beg, cry or whine, but a time to acknowledge the pain your actions caused her and tell her how sorry you are. This is taking the high road and if nothing comes of it, perhaps you've given her a glimpse of the man you could become as you mature. The apology is also your first tiny step towards recovery and healing.

 

You should acknowledge her anger; she has every right to be pissed at you. You broke her trust. Now even if you want to be simply friends you will still need to earn it back. This will take time , there is no easy fix.

 

Going forward you will also need to demonstrate to her that you have learned a painful but valuable lesson. Maybe down the road she will see by your actions that you deserve a second chance. Time will tell. If you are destined to be together it will happen... but you're gonna have to take your lumps now.

 

Lastly, tho' hard to understand, regret not the mistake made, rather rejoice in the lesson learned.

 

Again see your doctor and get something to help you through. Good Luck

[dbtmarley]

Damn Tripper that was some excellent advice!

[sylence]

I appreciate your response! I know I was a total d-bag. I'd spend the rest of my life on a time machine if I had to.

 

Just one thing though, I did ask her to meet me once face to face, and she agreed.. We met and talked one afternoon. It was around a month after school started I suppose, maybe a little less. I apologized profusely, and I couldn't tell if she was in serious thought while I was going on about everything or thinking what a waste of time.. I also made a myspace account telling her about how I felt at the time, and how I changed, but I did include the fact that I definitely missed her. I put pictures of us, our song, and wrote her a couple things trying to make up for my mess up, overall I think she definitely understood how I felt/still feel.

 

I am still just wondering.. now that I used my opportunity to try and make things up to her and meet with her and talk, would it be worth it to try to and talk with her again sometime now that it's been over 2 months? I still just want to make her love me again, but I could never tell her that, plus I don't see it happening anytime soon anyway. I was thinking that if I talked to her again about stuff (Not about the past, but more about trying to bridge the gap and really try to be friends), or just tried catching up even, it wouldn't hurt inside as much anymore.

[jmargel]

The way you descibed yourself right now is the way I was when my ex-fiancee left me. What scares me though is that you don't let your depression slip as far as I did. It slowly gets worse and I let mine slide until I was suicidal. I would highly suggest a counselor just to get through this phase and you should also look up the 5 stages of grief. Good chance that is something you are going through.

 

Good news though is that millions of people went through and are right now going through the same thing you are and after the smoke clears out, they go on to live great lives, just as you will.

 

No one here is going to say 'You deserve what you got', because in all honestly all of us have made mistakes. Often communication issues are the beginning to the end of relationships. With you not seeing your friends and surround yourself with her 24/7 not only do you feel smothered but there is a tendency of putting your own self-worth into someone else. That is something that should NEVER be done. Because when you do that and the relationship ends, literally part of you is emotionally rejecting yourself. I believe that is a cause of depression, since not only your love has left you, you feel a majority of 'you' is gone.

 

We can't control what she's going to do and we don't have 'ways' to try to win her back. You wouldn't want that anyway. You want what you lost. My suggestion would be to write her a letter, give it to her right after class. The only thing you should say to her when you give it to her is 'Read this when you get a chance' then just walk away. Let her come to you. What women love is confidence and this is something you need to show. If you turn into a quivering mess then she will run further. As for sitting next to her, if you get there after she does, sit a couple rows away until she starts contacting you.

 

As for this letter I would write something like:

 

'Dear Kayla,

 

There is much I wanted to say to you but I have a feeling that words would escape me if I were to talk to you face to face about this. I want you to know everything without me messing up my words because my mind is going a thousand miles per hour.

 

Above everything else that is going on right now the only thing I want to see you, is to be happy. Whether it be being single, with another guy or myself. I realize what love truly means and it means not being selfish like I have been to you in the past. It means understanding what you feel and what is important to you. It means honesty and trust. It means not giving excuses when I messed up.

 

During this time apart a life-long lesson has been taught to me and you were the one who gave it to me. It has opened my eyes to how important one person could be to me and how much they are a major part of my life. Though I am not perfect my only vow to myself is that I not repeat my same mistakes twice. I lost so much over something that I did. Words can't describe to you how sorry I am for that incident. That is something I have to live with and I hope you can forgive me.

 

My thoughts are not of that incident, my focus is on what I had with you and hope to have some day in the future. However, that of course is your choice and if you choose to go on without me, that is something I will accept. I just want you to be happy and to feel loved. I want you to know that I still love you very much.

 

Love,

 

XXXX

 

Now after you give her this letter, give her time (days/weeks perhaps months) to let it all sink in. In the meantime you need to pull yourself out of this rut, there is hope in life and hope that you will be happy again. You need to start setting short-term goals for yourself and to start getting yourself in gear so that you have can have a good future with her or someone else.

 

Hang in there!

[Tripper]

Sylence, you need to remember that she also, is angry and upset. She needs to work things out in her own mind to heal and hopefully forgive you.

I'm not sure talking to her about this is a great idea. If it were me, I would make her understand that any contact she would want with me would be on her terms and with her comfort level.

If and when you have contact with her you will need to show her that she can be totally safe with you by earning her trust back. This will take time. And also that you are a gentleman - open doors for her, help her on with her coat, pull out her chair at the table etc. Why? Because you are going to have to firstly woo her and give her a chance to see you in a different light and, this I can't emphasize enough, EARN HER TRUST BACK. And that takes, not words, but time and actions.

[Tripper]

Damn Tripper that was some excellent advice!

 

Thanks, dbtm... been there myself a few times..

[sylence]

Awesome guys, I really appreciate everything.. It's funny you made an example letter though, cause on my myspace page that I made for her, you basically said everything I did in one of the blogs.

 

I just want to text her sometimes and say hey and it not be weird.. and recently I've just wanted to send her a message or something and just be like WHY DO I STILL LOVE/MISS/CARE ABOUT YOU?! WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO BRING YOU BACK?

Drives me effing nuts forreal...

 

Any tips of subtle gestures I could do to get the ball rolling though? I really don't think she'd totally shut me down anymore, then again, I've been wrong in the past. lol

 

Plus, everytime I tried to talk to her towards the beginning of this semester she had to include something along the lines of 'My new boyfriend is so amazing, I never thought I'd be happy this fast with someone else, blah blah, stuff to make me hurt.' She made it her best effort to try and bring me down, especially when she thought I started dating someone else, she made it a clear point to turn around in class one day and say something really smart ass about the other girl, I simply smiled and told her we're good, and asked how her and her boyfriend were doing.. I just have no clue how to read girls like this..

[benny boy]

dude all these guys respsonses are brill, you just have to make a move and wright somthing or just tell her how you feel,

[sylence]

I totally agree with you, Benny..

 

The only problem is I don't know if the things I have in my head are good ideas.. I basically just need a kick in the pants and just do it.

[jmargel]

In this kind of situation if you don't make a decision one will be made for you, one that you will most likely regret.

 

IMO the letter would be the best route to go, then just do no contact until she comes to you. You can't make someone want you and if that is the case then at some point you need closure so you can move on. The longer you stay in this lingering mode, the worse it gets.

 

If you feel suicidal at all, please contact a doctor or a counselor or tell us on here.