beau_cauchemar Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 How many of you girls have experienced the "grass is greener" feeling toward the end of a comfortable long-term relationship, leading you to initiate a breakup? (I emphasized comfortable to alude to a long-term relationship that had simply lost its spark, but not the love entirely, and no significant abuse/neglect was happening.) The overall feeling of "I can't marry the first one." And when the grass was not found to be greener did you return to your ex? This could describe what has happened to me and I wondered what some of you think on the subject. It was interesting when I realized this week that one thing my ex mentioned was how she previously got back with me after a 1 month breakup (over a year ago) due to the feeling of lonliness. Now that my ex has succesfully jumped into a relationship with a total-opposite new guy, I wonder if her butterfly-induced infatuation is capable in being turned into love without confronting her emotions. I mean, if you recognize that it will be very difficult to stay apart after a breakup, shouldn't you stay together to work things out rather than look for a quick distraction? How many of you feel like you have to rebound just so you won't miss and want to get back with your ex immediately? Any thoughts? Obviously I'm curious since my exgf seems to be going after the spark/no-stress and not much else. -Me Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 For some it is not so much as the grass is greener. I know from my own experience that as I am young, being in a long term relationship can get VERY confusing. Some very wise person said because it may be because it is scary to think you have found "the one" at such a young age. This could be the last person you will be with ever. At 20 that is a terrifying thought. Hell, at 30 I would imagine it to be scary. Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Sometimes, the grass is indeed greener on the other side. This is especially true if you start dating someone at a very young age (which was my case with the ex). There was no spark (and if ever there was a glimpse of one...it was rare). I was not too happy. Now I am. Why? Because I made a choice to leave my ex because I wasn't happy. Do I regret it? No. I'm very happy with the very green grass upon which I lay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beau_cauchemar Posted November 6, 2007 Author Share Posted November 6, 2007 Darlin, you make an interesting point. My ex is also 20 and probably quite confused regarding future relationships and "the one." However, dispite the age and confusion is there ever a return to first-loves if the subsequent relationship(s) turn bad? Or simply turn bad in comparison? -Me Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Darlin, you make an interesting point. My ex is also 20 and probably quite confused regarding future relationships and "the one." However, dispite the age and confusion is there ever a return to first-loves if the subsequent relationship(s) turn bad? Or simply turn bad in comparison? -Me Yeah, sometimes we return to our first relationship. I did. I had a very BRIEF relationship with a guy when I was about 15 (turning 16). I broke up with him after I met him (we had a phone/net thing). Two years later I went out with another guy for a LONG time. Broke up with him and ended up back with my first ex who is now my current bf. Funny how some things come full circle. Link to post Share on other sites
lexi29 Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 How many of you girls have experienced the "grass is greener" feeling toward the end of a comfortable long-term relationship, leading you to initiate a breakup? (I emphasized comfortable to alude to a long-term relationship that had simply lost its spark, but not the love entirely, and no significant abuse/neglect was happening.) The overall feeling of "I can't marry the first one." And when the grass was not found to be greener did you return to your ex? This happened to me. Dated one of my exes since I was 17- wasn't my first love but first guy I slept with- we were together 5 yrs- got engaged and everything. It was a comfortable relationship and once we moved in together he started taking me for granted. there were a few things he did that upset me- my last yr of college I got very sick and drs. thought I had a brain tumor or something. Was having headaches and dizziness every waking moment. at this time my bf lived 7 hours away (he'd graduated college and had to move to get a job. I would spend all my breaks from school with him but when I was sick and scared he NEVER once visited me. Instead he used his vacation to go hunting with his father. So it was little things like that that caused cracks in our relationship. Anyhow right before our 5 yr anniversary I went back to my hometown and met up with a guy I'd known for about 4 years. we went out as friends and he paid so much attention to me and made me feel so special. I actually cheatd on my bf by kissing this guy and I ended up leaving my bf to be with him. definately a case of the grass is always greener. The other guy wasn't all that great- yes he showered me with compliments and was fun but he didn't have the honesty and compassion that my bf did. I never got back with my ex (even though he wanted to even years later) To this day my ex and I are friends- it has been six years since we broke up- and yes, I'll admit I still wonder what it would have been like if we'd stayed together. I lost out on a lot by leaving that relationship- his mom and I were so close she was a 2nd mom to me. also he now has a fantastic job and is very well off (not that it matters but its a plus) But if I had the chance I still don't think I'd take him back. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Grass IS greener on the other side.. That is until you step in the first pile of dog ****. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Yeah, sometimes we return to our first relationship. I did. I had a very BRIEF relationship with a guy when I was about 15 (turning 16). I broke up with him after I met him (we had a phone/net thing). Two years later I went out with another guy for a LONG time. Broke up with him and ended up back with my first ex who is now my current bf. Funny how some things come full circle. Very similar to me, I "dated' my now current bf when we were about 15. Broke up with him, was with someone else for 2 years, then got back together with him. We've now been together for 3 years Link to post Share on other sites
MattyTee Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 So the grass wasn't all that green? Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 So the grass wasn't all that green? Well in my case, it turned out perfectly. I really do doubt I would still be with my bf. We were 15, and I am not so naive to think we could possibly have ever lasted. 2 years isn't much diffeence, but maturity wise it is. And I onlybroke up with him because he got grounded over the summer break and I was annoyed at him because of it, so I broke it off.. Ahh I miss being that young, good times. Link to post Share on other sites
MattyTee Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 I'm only yanking your chain as they say. The whole grass-is-greener thing gets right under my collar I'm glad it worked out for you in the end Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Wow. I like this thread. Sounds just like my ex. She jumped right into another guy right away that is completely opposite of me. Hes overweight, sweaty, and a flat out jerk. Totally not her type but she gave the exact word for word line..."I lost the spark" and "How do I know your the one." She is 24, Im 27 and things were progressing towards a proposal. I know that she wont find someone like me and I am starting to see that I dont DESERVE someone like her. Yeah, I think a lot think its greener and after only time away do they see if they really had it that good or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beau_cauchemar Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 Thanks guys. Some great responses so far. Sounds like... 1. Many of you had it happen when you were in highschool 2. Return to that special someone can happen but usually not for years. 3. The more time goes by, the harder it is to get back with that person. Interesting. It does bring up a few more questions though... 1. Since most of us are not who we were in highschool, does it ever happen to us as we get older? 2. Does time really take away the desire to commit the second time dispite the warm feelings brought back? 3. How could a person start to think of that special someone after so much time apart? What could be the trigger and is it EVER strong enough to bring the 2 together again? -Me Link to post Share on other sites
jasmichaels Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I am actually going through this complex right now. My boyfriend and I dated for 2 1/2 yrs. We planned marriage in our future. He was my first everything and I broke it off bc I thought it was impossible that I got it right on the first one, I was getting cold feet, etc. Three months being single and I came back begging. I missed and loved him like hell and couldn't believed I up and left someone I cared for so much. He turned me down. I did a month of consistent calling, crying, etc. to no avail. He was always kind, answered my calls and talked, but he insisted he was too angry over what I did to be a good boyfriend. Unbeknownst to me, he had bought a ring, told his friends he was going to propose and ended up looking like a jackass when I dumped him out of the blue. 6 months after he turned me down (9 months after our initial break up) he came back in the picture. He said he loved me, was sorry for being mad, and the reason it took him so long was because I did NC and so out of pride he did NC back...and...well...we both basically stood still. We are now together and rebuilding slowly but it will be a slow ride. He expressed that he came back bc he didn't want to lose the woman he wanted to be his wife, so marriage is still in our minds, but it will probably be a very very very long time before we speak engagement again. I am just content with being with the one I love at the moment. Wish us luck. Rebuilding has no guarantees even if you both love each other. Link to post Share on other sites
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 jasmichaels...good for you. It's nice to see some people get back together for the right reasons. What did he do when you broke up with himand what led you back and the sudden need to have him in your life? Usually when someone leaves the attraction dies out and it's rarely salvaged. I'm curious to see how it turned around. I wish you the best of luck because where all others tell you to move on, only you know what is right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
jasmichaels Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Well, one thing he didn't do was beg for me back. I mean, other than the day I broke it off. After that I didn't hear from him. Then a month after that, he dropped off some art supplies he knew I was going to need that semester (I'm an elementary art education major). Just out of the blue like that. What NEITHER of us did was talk crap about the other. When people questioned us, which was A LOT bc we had dated so long, we only said good things about each other like "He/She is a great person, anyone would be lucky to have him/her, but it just didn't work out between us." So during the three month break, I pretty much realized that sometimes you get it right when you are young. I'm not a believer in "soulmates", I believe you can fall into love many times. Yet, to find ONE love is still difficult and if you love someone, well, its pretty much guaranteed that when you go out there to find something "greener", and your heart is still on your old "lawn", then you won't find anything to compare. So I give that as a warning to girls (or guys) who are in a loving relationship but are just curious bc they have never dated anyone else. Don't do it. When I came back to him, and he was angry, he never sounded angry at me. That's just how he felt. But he loved me enough not to hurt my feelings and yell/scream/curse me on the phone. 9 months apart is long for anyone and you def. change/meet new friends along the way. I regret not being able to experience all of that with the man I love. But we are starting again... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 My experience and observations have led me to believe that a person who displays a pattern of transitioning from one relationship to another is not a stable relationship partner. Some may outgrow it and some just keep doing it. I do think it takes a true loss to break a pattern of behaviour. Sometimes multiple cumulative losses and some just never get it. I see often people who almost need to have some semblence of a relationship at all times with hardly a break in between. These people scare me as far as potential romantic partners. If you always have to have someone then how can you know yourself? Seeking validation by always being in another relationship or returning to an ex is avoiding bringing your best to any relationship IMHO. It just seems rather desperate to me. Best to recognize flags and be thankful that you were let go and look for someone with more depth and staying power. The grass is only as green as you choose to take care of it. "GET OFF MY LAWN" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 jasmichaels...I'm in the same boat (or somewhat like it). I was dumped about 3 months ago and it has been amicable and we never talked bad about one another. I've had limited contact with the ex g/f and more times than not, it doesn't work out like your situation. Maybe it's "greener" elsewhere but I truly agree what underpants said... "The grass is only as green as you choose to take care of it." My relationship was "green" but it wasn't perfect. I think she decided to leave because it stayed "green" and just went with the flow. Or at least that's my take from reading and posting. It never got "greener" and much blame is on me. I'm trying to keep my distance, keep open and amicable communication, etc. This either does one of two things. It either makes it easier for the dumper to feel less guilty for leaving or keeps open the possibility for reconciliation. How I wish for a phone call, an long letter or some sort of nudge on her part about her feelings. I know it most likely will not happen...it's very rare. If she does find somethng "greener", I hope it's genuine. Regardless of my situation, I'm glad that you were able to find what you were looking for and were able to get it before it was too late. Good luck and I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
thelegend Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 I had to comment on this thread. My ex and I have been broken up since September. She had never had a man like me in her life. She's 21 and I'm 27 and I was the only guy she's ever experienced true love with. And she left me for another guy. Not even 2 months later she calls me saying she's leaving him because she's unhappy. I also understand she jumps from relationship to relationship. She had a sorry bf before we got together so I'm sure karma is paying me back but I was good to her and she knows it. So grass can be greener but I say look at the house that's built on the grass you have. If the foundation is strong and the house isn't in as bad a shape as you might think stay at home!!! Link to post Share on other sites
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 thelegend - I agree. Most of the time, not all of the time, it looks greener but it's short lived. It takes both people to keep it "green" and sometimes I feel that people just give up too easily and try to find an easy way out but that's just me venting. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Syracuse, I agree. It does take two fully invested people to mutually care for their relationship. Legend, I find a bit of fault in your logic. In that you willingly chose to insert yourself in her previous relationship. Even now you are entertaining letting her cheat with you again. It does not matter how great you treated her. It was her core character that should have been a flag (it is waving now). By your own admission you have been the other guy (or relief pitcher) more then once. If you can change that attraction in you then you might seek, attract and build a nice lawn with a genuine person...rather then a lost and insecure one that will cycle and repeat for as long as you allow it. It amazes me, for people to be broken up, sad and confused about someone who they helped cheat and then they get cheated on. Duh. Link to post Share on other sites
thelegend Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 I definitley know where my errors lied in the relationship. I really didn't have the mindset when we first met that i wanted to be with her. When we first started talking I used to tell her all the time to work out her situation with her man. Then she left him and came to me. I never once asked her to be my woman she made the decision and I being the more muture should have taken it slow but like most guys i thought with the wrong head. At this point I'm not talking to her because I know all she wants from me is the sex and my comfort and she doesnt need that at all. So I'm not at all sad nor confused I know better now than to get tangled back up in that situation or any other situation where that person is already involved. I've learned to make my house and yard look great so that the next single qualified buyer that comes along won't pass me up. But I see your point and you're right some people never get out of that cycle and I played second hand man for far too long in too many relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 I definitley know where my errors lied in the relationship. I really didn't have the mindset when we first met that i wanted to be with her. When we first started talking I used to tell her all the time to work out her situation with her man. Then she left him and came to me. I never once asked her to be my woman she made the decision and I being the more muture should have taken it slow but like most guys i thought with the wrong head. At this point I'm not talking to her because I know all she wants from me is the sex and my comfort and she doesnt need that at all. So I'm not at all sad nor confused I know better now than to get tangled back up in that situation or any other situation where that person is already involved. I've learned to make my house and yard look great so that the next single qualified buyer that comes along won't pass me up. But I see your point and you're right some people never get out of that cycle and I played second hand man for far too long in too many relationships. Good. It sounds like you have a grasp of what may have led you down a bad road. Print that off and sit it aside to remind yourself next time some sweet, pretty thing mentions her unhappy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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