addicted2love Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Does anyone know how infidelity affects a divorce? Meaning does the BS get everything they want because their spouse cheated? Does the BS get the house, kids, alimony, child support etc.? Can email, chats and phone records be demanded by the court to prove infidelity? Is it necessary? If a H cheats because he is unhappy in his marriage and ends up divorcing does the W have the right to everything he's worked for all his life? Can she really take his kids away from him? Sorry for all the questions. A2L Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 It very much depends on the state in which you do the divorce. My state is what is called a "no fault" state, I think, and the only 'cause' for divorce is something like "the marriage is irretreivably broken". That's pre-printed on the divorce petition when you download it from the court website. Property, assets, cash, etc. acquired during the marriage are all divided in a "fair and equitable" manner, without regard to fault or good guys/bad guys. Custody is STRICTLY based on the best interests of the children. In other states, it may make a difference, but as I said, it depends on the specific state you are in. As far as custody and parenting plans go, I believe most states adamantly use that fairly strict "best interests of the children" philosophy, and avoid using custody as a penalty for marital malfeasance. Are you wondering about your husband, or yourself, or your MM going for the throat? You will need to research the divorce laws of the appropriate state, and/or talk to a lawyer to get accurate information that would apply to you (or your MM...) Link to post Share on other sites
Author addicted2love Posted November 6, 2007 Author Share Posted November 6, 2007 Thanks Trimmer.... MM seems to think that his W will get everything. That any and all emails will be dragged out into the open. That he will lose his kids. He is the bread winner and his W hasn't worked in years. So he's affraid he will have to pay alimony even though his W is educated and capeable of working, she simply doesn't want to. He's affraid that our A will be stated as the reason for the D and he will lose it all. Even though the truth of the matter is he hasn't been happily married for years. A2L Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 When it comes to dividing property and assets, determining child support, alimony, and custody, the last thing the courts are going to care about is his unhappiness in his marriage. Poor, poor him... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Thanks Trimmer.... MM seems to think that his W will get everything. That any and all emails will be dragged out into the open. That he will lose his kids. He is the bread winner and his W hasn't worked in years. So he's affraid he will have to pay alimony even though his W is educated and capeable of working, she simply doesn't want to. He's affraid that our A will be stated as the reason for the D and he will lose it all. Even though the truth of the matter is he hasn't been happily married for years. A2L Ahem, most of that may just be excuses he's feeding you for not getting a divorce. He likely will have to pay alimony, however, especially if his wife has always been a SAHM. The courts see that as her contributing to the household by giving up her career/not starting a career in order to take care of the family - and the H benefited from that as well. So, since she hasn't been working, she can't be expected to find a job right away that will pay enough for her to support herself, so the ex-H is responsible for both alimony and child support. The alimony may be limited to a specific number of years, I think, depending on how long they've been married. And I believe if she re-marries, he's no longer responsible for alimony. Their marital assets will be divided - she won't get "everything". She may retain primary custody of the children, seeing as she has been the SAHM and there's no reason (like drugs, alcohol abuse, abuse, etc.) why custody needs to go to him. There would, of course, be visitation, so H would see the kids on weekends, holidays, summer break. He can still file for shared custody, if he wants them half the time. The affair will not impact any of those things, unless he's in a state where adultery is grounds for divorce. Then, I'm not sure how it works. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Are these reasons he is giving you that he "isn't able to" divorce her? Because they sound a lot like excuses... and as long as you accept them, he can keep the status quo (i.e. stay married, don't rock that boat, and keep you on the side, secret, etc...) Perhaps you should educate yourself about the situation in your state (or his state or wherever it would happen) and see if his perception seems consistent with what you learn. If it isn't, you need to decide whether that's because he's really just not educated himself yet, or whether he's trying to snow you in order to keep things as they are. Again: if it's in a no fault state, I believe (check with lawyers on this) that the existence of an affair will have no bearing on the property settlement. And although "losing" one's children is a very broad term which strikes fear into the hearts of everyone who hears it, what does he mean by this: does he expect to never see them again? Seems unlikely... And alimony is indeed a possibility, depending on the time they've been married and other stuff. But again, in a no-fault state, I think the existence of the affair will not have any bearing on any of these issues... Educate yourself. Google is your friend. Try <"divorce law" your_state> and poke around a bit. Look for whether marital fault is considered as a factor in alimony/spousal support, what are the factors in property settlement, etc. You'll probably find that most states don't consider the affair as a factor at all, marital assets will likely be divided 50/50, visitation is assumed with shared custody possible, etc... Now, if he really doesn't want to get a divorce (and it's possible that's the message he's sending you, bundled up in the wrapping paper that says "I can't, I'll 'lose' everything, I'll 'lose' my kids...") how will that affect your relationship with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 I believe that infidelity is a common catalyst in regards to the divorce courts, that it does not weigh in the courts mind. Years ago, it was a big deal; now, not so much. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Here's another concern.. For the last 10 years or so "Alienation of Affection" suits have become popular and successful. What happens is MM (or W) gets divorce, while having an affair. Divorce becomes final, the BS (betrayed spouse) files a Civil Suit claiming "Alienation of Affection" and basicly is able to bankrupt the Other Woman/Man. Pretty Cool eh? These suits are becoming more and more common. Aprox 73% of suits filed are settled in favor of the BS. That's justice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 These suits are becoming more and more common. Aprox 73% of suits filed are settled in favor of the BS. That's justice. How common are they becoming - do you have a source for this assertion? I don't doubt the 73% number - but that's a percentage of suits filed, and that statistic doesn't tell us anything about whether they are becoming more or less "common." The reason I ask is that most states have abolished alienation of affection as a cause of action, either through direct legislation or judicial decision. It looks like the only states that still allow it are: Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Utah. ( Google <"alienation of affection" states> with the quotes... ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author addicted2love Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 Here's another concern.. For the last 10 years or so "Alienation of Affection" suits have become popular and successful. What happens is MM (or W) gets divorce, while having an affair. Divorce becomes final, the BS (betrayed spouse) files a Civil Suit claiming "Alienation of Affection" and basicly is able to bankrupt the Other Woman/Man. Pretty Cool eh? These suits are becoming more and more common. Aprox 73% of suits filed are settled in favor of the BS. That's justice. Maybe MM can sue W for "Alienation of Affection". Not every MM is just out for a quick bang. A's aren't as black and white as some people would like to think they are. Why is it that the W is always the "innocent party"? If she's an ice queen and treats her husband like crap and show's him no attention or affection she shouldn't be surprised if he has an A or divorces her. Wouldn't that be "justice" too? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 If she's an ice queen and treats her husband like crap and show's him no attention or affection she shouldn't be surprised if he has an A or divorces her. Wouldn't that be "justice" too? Indeed, I suppose it would, in the scenario you propose. However, you seem to be equating "having an affair" and "divorcing her", or at least putting them on equal footing. Yes, having an affair and divorcing are both responses to a cold, shrewy ice queen who treats her husband like crap. Both paths are available, and the husband gets to choose, with complete knowledge of his situation and options. Which path the husband chooses says a lot about him, wouldn't you say? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Maybe MM can sue W for "Alienation of Affection". Not every MM is just out for a quick bang. A's aren't as black and white as some people would like to think they are. Why is it that the W is always the "innocent party"? If she's an ice queen and treats her husband like crap and show's him no attention or affection she shouldn't be surprised if he has an A or divorces her. Wouldn't that be "justice" too?The wife is legally married to him. Duh. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 By the way, only 7 or 8 states still have Alienation of Affection laws. Link to post Share on other sites
smokiejjj Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Does anyone know how infidelity affects a divorce? Meaning does the BS get everything they want because their spouse cheated? Does the BS get the house, kids, alimony, child support etc.? Can email, chats and phone records be demanded by the court to prove infidelity? Is it necessary? If a H cheats because he is unhappy in his marriage and ends up divorcing does the W have the right to everything he's worked for all his life? Can she really take his kids away from him? Sorry for all the questions. A2L Most states I don't think she can. In PA marital misconduct does not affect alimony or custody - unless the conduct hurts the kids but if the kids did not know about the affair it is okay. Like if someone during marriage is having random people over to the house for affairs the court would likely look at this as being a negative for the kids. Depends on the state though. But it is not that big a deal. Link to post Share on other sites
smokiejjj Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 Does anyone know how infidelity affects a divorce? Meaning does the BS get everything they want because their spouse cheated? Does the BS get the house, kids, alimony, child support etc.? Can email, chats and phone records be demanded by the court to prove infidelity? Is it necessary? If a H cheats because he is unhappy in his marriage and ends up divorcing does the W have the right to everything he's worked for all his life? Can she really take his kids away from him? Sorry for all the questions. A2L Also I live in PA. I'm separated but not divorced. I went to a lawyer - my wife was claiming physical abuse - however she was the one that abused me. Anyways I was really worried as she is very small compared to me and thought nobody would believe me. He said don't worry about anything and that it makes no sense for her to go for a fault divorce because fault does not affect the settlement, and just causes so much money and delays. So depends on the state but I doubt you have to worry. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 Does anyone know how infidelity affects a divorce? Meaning does the BS get everything they want because their spouse cheated? Does the BS get the house, kids, alimony, child support etc.? Can email, chats and phone records be demanded by the court to prove infidelity? Is it necessary? If a H cheats because he is unhappy in his marriage and ends up divorcing does the W have the right to everything he's worked for all his life? Can she really take his kids away from him? Sorry for all the questions. A2L Number 1 it depends if you are in a no-fault state or not...If you then it's 50/50 and child support and alimony are done according to a formula...Pretty cut and dried... If it's a "fault" state, I'm not really sure of how they do it...You'd have to consult an attorney... Link to post Share on other sites
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