bluejeanbebe Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I may be only 27, but I have been in several serious relationships and would like to think I handle conflict in a relationship pretty well. My significant other is just coming out of a 16+ yr marriage and he is used to handling conflict a certain way (how he's been doing it for the past 16 years). Problem is, how he handles it is, as soon as he thinks I'm mad at him, he separates himself from me and hopes that it will blow over and I will stop being mad at him. For me, this only exacerbates the problem, and makes me feel like he doesn't care and only makes me madder. Now I'm not only mad at whatever I was mad at, now I'm mad because I think he doesn't care or doesn't want to try to do anything to make me feel better. Eventually, (hours- days later) he faces me, and I'm still mad and we have this blowout that is waaaay bigger than it needs to be. We've talked about this till we are blue in the face and never seem to get anywhere. I've told him what I think should happen and he doesn't want to do any of it. He thinks I should just 'get over' what I'm mad about. I don't think I'm asking for too much- a hug and a 'i'm sorry' would suffice. He just refuses to even consider the ~possibility~ that he could be wrong and doesn't want to hear what I have to say when I'm mad at him. The more I roll it around in my head, the more I think he's just selfish, lazy and unsupportive. Am I overreacting? What do you guys think? Help! Solutions??
chasingmissamy Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Been there, done that --- on both sides of the spectrum. I am currently engaged and although my fiance is a really great guy, he tends to think he is right all of the time. Add the fact that he is a recent graduate from law school, and our disagreements turn more into closing arguments than two people discussing issues. Don't get me wrong, he is a hell of a guy and I am lucky as all get out, but it is what it is I am learning that there are times when I can be hypersensitive and there are times when he can be more focused on being right than resolve. The thing that I am learning is 1. patience. His history is not my history and he is not who I am Our experiences are very different. I need to show more patience with him and realize that we both deal with things differently. This isn't always easy, but I am trying! 2. Picking battles. There are times when I DO need to just let things go or take his word for what it is and at face value. I remember watching the movie Cheaper by the Dozen and the mother in that movie says part of them being a successful family is learning to chose your battles. Really, that applies in any relationship. 3. Maybe he isn't being selfish, lazy, or unsupportive. Maybe he just doesn't KNOW how to show these things or shows these things in a way that might not be normal to you, but is who he is. I do the same thing, though, and it is something that I am working on. The getting madder, feeling like I am not important, that he doesn't care about how I am feeling. The other day, though, I stopped myself and wondered what he was feeling and how my frustration was affecting him. All in all, though, for sixteen years he has had to do things one way. Just try to be understanding, but firm. I have a feeling that y'all will find your groove soon enough and a way to deal with one another that meets both of your needs. I probably wasnt much help and it probably seems like I am just rambling, but who knows, maybe something I said will help. *Shrug*
Author bluejeanbebe Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 chasingmiss- thanks so much for your advice- it IS helpful! thank gawd i'm not arguing with a lawyer! (and I thought I had it bad! ) must learn to pick my battles!
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