I'm home, and I'm wondering...

[sedgwick]

So I got back from Mexico last night. It was a great trip (although, can I just say, NEVER FLY NORTHWEST?!?! They lost ALL my baggage and have no idea where it is, and they cancelled my first two flights yesterday, so it took me 15 hours to get from Tulsa, OK to NYC!) I learned a lot about myself. I went off and did the thing that scared me most: traveling in a foreign country for an extended period all alone. I feel pretty good about myself as a person at this point.

 

But it's so hard to come back here and to remember how at this time last year we were falling in love and everything was great. I miss him so much. I guess he's probably back in town too. I want to hear from him, but after 2+ months NC, I'm determined not to be the one to make contact. He's still blocked from my phone and my email (although my phone was in one of the bags the airline lost, so who knows if I'll ever see it again.) I miss him terribly and I find myself wondering constantly if he ever thinks of me.

 

The thing that worries me the most is that I'm afraid he just hates me and thinks I'm totally worthless. The last time we talked, he was so cold to me, saying things like, "I can't believe you of all people don't realize things change." This was in direct contradiction to our first post-breakup convo, which was really positive and ended with him telling me he loved me and asking if he could call me again. The second time we talked it was, "Well, I'm in town, but I can't go calling everybody." (Apparently, in the two weeks between conversations, I went from being a special person he loved to being "everybody.")

 

I wonder if he remembers me. I wonder if he thinks of me at all. I wonder if he ever feels a moment's guilt, or if he just thinks I'm pathetic and hates me. When I flew through Dallas, I had dinner with an ex who lives there, a guy I broke up because I couldn't deal with the LDR. This guy moved on from me and found someone else and of course when I saw him I found him attractive and sort of felt sad that I couldn't kiss him (not that I wanted to, just that, y'know, I COULDN'T, and I used to be able to, and it was weird.) I would like to think that my most recent ex, Mr. Bass Player, has looked at my myspace or something and seen the pics of me in a bikini and seen that I've lost weight and noticed I'm ignoring him and if he feels any regret at all, or if he just looks at me and thinks I'm ugly and stupid, or if he even thinks of me anymore, ever, at all.

 

Do you think there's anyone out there who DOESN'T ever go look at the myspace or blog or whatever of someone they dumped? I mean, I do, even if they're someone I don't really care for anymore, I still look them up sometimes out of curiosity. But I feel like I'm just so inconsequential to the ex that he never even thinks of me at all.

 

Do you think there's ANY part of him that feels ANY regret and has maybe looked to see what I'm doing? Do you think that the fact I'm ignoring him and traveling by myself and working on my book might make me more attractive to him?

 

Oh my god, this sucks. But at least I'm not contacting him, and I won't. I just wish I could stop worrying that he thinks I'm worthless and stupid and ugly, or that he's forgotten me altogether.

[melodymatters]

hey sedgie,

 

he sounded like a jerk before, and this post hasn't chnaged my mind. " time to go calling ? " please.

 

Now YOU, girlie, need to stop thinking about him.

 

That's whats always saved me from the torment of unrequited love. The fact that If somone else, isn't digging me as much as I might them, it's NOT special, NOT magic, and they are just another hunk of XX chromosone meat walking the planet and who F*CKING cares ?!?!?

[sedgwick]

If anyone could provide any insight here, I would really appreciate it! This is really tough...

[sao2]

I understand, and yes, I still occasionally look up ex gf's, no matter who did the dumping. Of course as time goes on I do this less and less.

 

As for whether you are consequential to him or not, I would bet you are . . . but . . . I would also say that you should definitely not worry about him anymore.

 

As for being in town . . . actually . . . I can understand his point of view here although what he said was probably colder than it should have been. I have just recently booked my trip to my ex's and mine's mutual city. I have made the decision that I will not contact her. Not because I don't want to see her, but because it wouldn't be appropriate. Although I hope that is the reason I give I could see myself saying something colder if I were to run into her.

[finallyhappyme]

Are you happy with yourself? Do YOU think you are ugly, stupid, and worthless? Do you? Then what does it matter what he thinks??

 

Just like your ex you couldn't kiss..you wanted to because you couldn't. You want him because you can't have him.

 

You should be feeling amazing now that you were able to travel to a foreign place all alone. I wish I had the balls to travel alone. Kudos to you!

 

You worrying yourself to death about something that 1- we can't answer ( if he's thinking about you how would we know? ) and 2- If he is thinking and he has checked your myspace then what?? What difference would that make?

 

Think about the things your fretting over. What have been the Pro's and Cons about worrying over them? How has worrying about those things improved your life?

[carrotgirl]

Sed-luv,

 

1. Go back and read Jmina's post to Spindyrelly: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=134584

 

2. Does he ever think about you? Yes, of course he does.

 

3. Does he remember you? Yes, of course he does.

 

4. Does he ever think about you? See point 2.

 

5. Does any part of him feel regret? Go back and read Jmina's post to Spindyrelly: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=134584

 

 

You're spinning baby. You're probably not ever going to get the answers you're looking for from your ex. The question you have to answer is can you find peace by finding the answers you seek within yourself or find peace without knowing? Hint: not finding peace really isn't an attractive option.

 

This kind of spinning is OK for a night or two or ten. But it's time to stop paying out all of this cost to a guy who doesn't even know you're paying. At this point, it's not that he doesn't care, it's that he doesn't know. I'm sure he would be sad and feel quite guilty would he know.

 

Not really the point though. I'm sure of these things. Does believing it really make a difference?

 

You're paying triple over time and then some - because you're paying out the opportunity cost of your soul's peace and comfort. Think of the time before you knew your ex. Before you cared about him. Before you knew he existed. Try for just a moment to imagine you're right back there again, when anything about him would have been new.

 

In essence, this is where you could be now. Starting fresh. Fresh Sed. Fresh Ex. Fresh Day. Very Fresh Sed Yah. You need your soul and sass intact. No need to let go of all that came before. Just maybe let go of the negative a little.

 

PS. You're gorgeous and brilliant and fabulously exciting you wonderful, vain creature! (Takes one to know one.) Stop looking in the ex mirror already! Dang. No ex or current love self-reflections allowed. Look in the Sedgwick mirror for your worth. If you were a stranger meeting you for the first time what would you see?

 

{{{hugs}}}

 

Carrot