chasingmissamy Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I want to preface this posting by saying one thing: I am not vilifying my fiancé with this post. I don’t think he is a dog. I don’t think he is the biggest jerk in the world. And I am not ready to just up and leave. This post has less to do with him and more to do with me. Now, that being said . . . My fiancé and I met at work. We did not like one another at first, but then became fast friends. We both started developing feelings for one another at the same time, but never told the other. I started dating someone else, but we still hung out and were very good friends. Eventually, I realized what it was that I was feeling for him and how serious it was and I stopped seeing the person that I was involved with. I was still afraid to tell him how I really felt, because even though I suspected he felt the same thing, I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to destroy my friendship with whom I considered my best friend. I couldn’t handle it anymore, being around him all day and hanging with him after work and feeling the way that I did, so I was going to move. I told him, he came over to my house at 2:30 in the morning and confessed how he felt about me. We have been inseparable since. I am the first person he has been intimate with in six years and the first person he has ever had a real relationship with. He has dated exclusively, but nothing that lasted for any extended period of time. He isn’t a player. He isn’t a commitment phobe and he isn’t someone that goes out and uses people for sex. He really is one of the good guys. He simply had not found anyone that he thought was worth the effort. A couple of months after we started dating, my fiancé developed a serious drinking problem. It was nothing apparent right away and it was something that grew over time. He was in a pretty bad spot mentally, and was having difficulty dealing with issues relating to his family, finances, and his station in life. These were things he was unable to speak to me about because of his stubborn pride, but eventually, when it was too late and he used alcohol as a way to cope, I found out. When his drinking spiked, he began to have black outs. During these black outs, it was almost as if he regressed to a different time. He started talking about his ex-girlfriends. He started re-counting sexual experiences. He started comparing me to these women and these women would always win. Whether it was appearance, the type of women they were, or how he felt about them. None of it made sense, particular since I know the details of how these things ended and the vapid type of women he was previously involved with. And when he wasn’t blacked out, things would be completely different. He would speak to me about how good of a woman I was, how lucky he was, how I saved him, how I was his touch stone, how he needed me, how he loved me, and how happy he was with me. And then that night, after one too many, he would completely black out again and the vicious cycle would start all over. I have dealt with issues with alcohol enough to know the anatomy of a black out and what it is. I also know that he was a completely different person sober than he was drunk. Eventually, I called his two best friends and we did an intervention. We told him how his drinking was affecting all of us, but mostly, the type of person it was making him become. He is not a stupid person. He has made it through law school. He is not an irresponsible person, he knows what he needs to do to get things done. Alcohol, though, made him not care and turned him into a monster. I then told him that he needed to get his drinking under control or else he was losing me – I was not going to spend my life like this. Since telling him that, his drinking is under control and with the exception of one night in a few months, alcohol has not been an issue at all. Since he has stopped, his head has gotten clear. He feels badly about what he put me through and tells me thank you for not giving up on him. He tries, he really does, to help me get over the insecurity that the black outs have caused me to feel. Although I know that it wasn’t him during the black outs, I still heard those thing from his mouth. To top it all off, three of these individuals have reached third life crisis and have decided to contact him for closure, to make amends, etc. with the exception of one that heard he has gotten through law school and has dollar signs in her eyes. He has no interest in them, has told them to leave him alone, and has been quite rude when the situation has warranted it. I know that he loves me. I know that he isn’t going anywhere. And I know he is one of the good ones. These things I know. He stopped drinking for me. He is willing to work two or three jobs so I can have a job doing something that I love and working directly out of my home. He takes care of me. He opens my door. He makes me dinner. He tells me he loves me. He holds me every night before we go to sleep. My complaint is not with him. My worry is not with him. My worry is with myself and getting past the things that I have heard. I am in a much better place right now than I was three months ago. I am in a much better place right now than I was a month ago. But, I feel like I am not good enough. I am not pretty enough, because although I am not an ugly duckling, I am not exactly the girl that you would find working at a bar on Bourbon St. Not at my age – 31 – when I have had babies and lived through my own personal hell prior to my fiancé being in my life. I am a cute, dark-haired Irish girl that is busty with broad-shoulders, a round face, and dimples. These women – these “pretty packages” are the stereotypical rail thing, can’t tell if they are a twelve year old boy or a twenty-one year old female. I realize that this was before my time. This was seven to ten years ago. And let me tell you, I was a pretty hot chica seven and ten years ago. But, that was ten years ago and I am not twenty-one anymore. Anyway – how do I get past this? I really hate feeling this way and I hate putting him in a position where I need constant reassurance from him. I really want to reconnect with the confident woman that I was before all of this happened – the one he fell in love with. The one that I, myself, loved being and worked really hard to become. Any advice?
jcster Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Anyway – how do I get past this? I really hate feeling this way and I hate putting him in a position where I need constant reassurance from him. I really want to reconnect with the confident woman that I was before all of this happened – the one he fell in love with. The one that I, myself, loved being and worked really hard to become. She's still there. The problem is that you have stopped loving and working on yourself and have instead focused on him and his drinking issues. The harsh words hurt, I'm sure, but it's nothing compared to watching someone you love turn into Mr. Hyde. I've been there. The best advice I can give you is to take some time for you. He does what he does - it doesn't change who you are. You might want to do a little reading about co-dependence. It's common among loved ones of alcoholics, and the huge drop in self-esteem that you are experiencing is one of the symptoms. BTW - did he get some treatement or therapy? If not...then you may be in for some more of the same a little way down the road...(I'm just sayin).
Author chasingmissamy Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 Jcster, Yes, he did get help. He was able to identify the issues that let him to drinking and learned real ways to deal with it. I am really proud of him. I know he has worked and continues to work really hard to keep those demons exorcised and to remain in a good state. And the change in him is absolutely amazing! I have never been in a situation like this before, so I didn't think to look into co-dependence. Thank you for suggesting that. And thank you for telling me that woman was still there. To hear that from someone, that meant a lot.
Racquel Colette Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Well, you need to have more confidence in yourself. I am 39 years old and look way better than I did when I was 21 and even 31. I get approached by good looking men all the time, and am taken for 30 (or younger). Being 31 or above is not a sentence to be "unattractive," and it certainly doesn't mean you are less attractive than women in their 20's, that is a myth.
Author chasingmissamy Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 Oh, I know that thirty isn't a death sentence. The only reason I reference that time frame is that is when these other women were involved and I look much different then compared to now.
jcster Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Yes, he did get help. He was able to identify the issues that let him to drinking and learned real ways to deal with it. I am really proud of him. I know he has worked and continues to work really hard to keep those demons exorcised and to remain in a good state. And the change in him is absolutely amazing! That's great! I have never been in a situation like this before, so I didn't think to look into co-dependence. Thank you for suggesting that. Remember that, just because the trauma is over, doesn't mean that you're immediately healed. And, it takes time to rebuild trust - far longer than it takes to destroy it. Allow yourself some time to feel bad about what happened and be kind to yourself. And thank you for telling me that woman was still there. To hear that from someone, that meant a lot. She wrote your post.
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