Should I be this hurt?

[BlueAndYellow]

I'm a first timer here so I'll just try to sum up my long story the best I can. I met this guy shortly after breaking up with my ex-boyfriend (he was going to study abroad and decided we wouldn't make it).

It started out as a very casual thing. We were both at a party when I met him, and frankly I don't know why he caught my eye. His hair was careless and dirty, just like his clothes, he was incredibly drunk, he looked pretty much like a junkie, although you could tell he was very handsome. I found out later that the year before he was just the perfect model student, until his girlfriend of 3 years left him. I've never seen anyone as hurt as he was. I guess that's what made me fall in love with him. Like a strange desire to help him.

 

Before things started to be serious between us, it was hard. He was obviously not over her, and it took him about 5 months to fall in love with me. And even when he did, he wouldn't assume our relationship. He was too afraid of getting hurt again, so it took him another 3 months to assume (just when I was giving up). But things were always far from perfect. He and his ex were still close, they share the same friends and I was always terrified they would get back together. We both study in the same university, but he would go to his home town for the weekends, and I knew she would be there.

Once I went to his birthday party and she was there. He wouldn't even touch me in front of her, and the worst part was when she got drunk and told me she shouldn't have broken up with him, because he was the best boyfriend she'd ever had. So I was really insecure about her and we had many many fights about that.

 

And although things were slowly getting better, we fought a lot, because of his drinking problem, his ex, both our attitudes, etc. but overall we had a good relationship. And I felt like he really loved me, maybe because it took him a long time to say it and he didn't say it often. But when he did, he had this big smile and his eyes kinda sparkled... It was beautiful.

 

And we went through a lot together. I helped him a lot with his mother, because he was always very angry at her and treated her really bad (I think he never forgave her that she remarried shortly after his father died). Last summer he had these terrible headaches that would make his head feel like exploding and I slept in the hospital aisle every night while doctors were investigating. We went on holiday together, I was good friends with his mother, we even got busted! (long story - one of his crazy friends had drugs with him and we were on the car with him) Plus I had trust issues, since he confessed me he had never been faithful to a girlfriend before. And he was very agressive, even violent sometimes, and alternated that with being really caring and sweet. He had so many issues he needed to solve and wouldn't accept help... I was always afraid that someday he could get really violent concerning me, but kept putting it to the back of my head.

 

This year was really bad for me. I failed at university and I spent 7 months thinking I had a terrible disease (multiple slerosis). I was so afraid and worried that I really needed his help. But it didn't come. In fact, I'd just came back from the hospital after doing a very painful lumbar puncture when he told me he wanted to break up with me.

Now to cool part: reason for the break-up? He didn't love me anymore AND he wanted to be with other girls. When he told me I actually just laughed - it sounded so ridiculous.

Then I called him the next day to ask for the real reasons, and all he kept saying was "don't make this harder". I insisted, I think I had the right to know, and he started getting all mad with me, shouting "I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE! I'M HANGING UP"... Which he did.

 

Summer went by... Actually, 5 months went by. And not a word! A found out later that I didn't have MS, but he didn't know that. Not a phone call, not a message, not a mail. He didn't even care if I was dead or alive. I didn't say anything to him as well - I still have my pride-, but I kept getting more and more angry with his behaviour and lack of respect. I keep thinking how is it possible than after a 2-year relationship he could just forget about me like that?

Now we are in the same class and he started trying to talk to me again. I'm so angry at him that I just want to punch him, but then I come home and cry my eyes out because strangely (and stupidly) I STILL love him.

Why does a guy brake up like this? Doesn't he have a heart? And why did he act like he was angry (I didn't cheat or anything)? And most important, is it normal that I'm this angry? I'm so mad at him, it's affecting my mental health! I just don't think anyone should be treated like they are disposable.

Sorry, it was long after all:o

[Amy22]

I am sorry you are going through this. I feel for you. It sounds like he has treated you badly while you have treated him like a king. It seems he said he loved you but he treated you differently. The fact that you are afraid he would get violent with you one day is scary. You don't deserve that. You don't deserve someone who would not be there with you while you were sick. I don't blame you for being angry. You gave a lot in this relationship. Helping him with his mom, being there when he was sick, and sticking by him while he got over his ex. I don't think he valued you. He will have a very hard time every find a girl like you again. You sound like an awesome person. A very loyal person. A person someone should feel very thankful to have in their life. I don't think he was thankful and realized all you did for him. I think you deserve better. I would work on getting over the anger. What he did was wrong but all you can do is learn from the relationship. I would then move on. Why does he deserve you to talk to him in class? Do you want to get back with him and go through this again? That is only something you can decide. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you realize how valuable you really are and what you deserve in a man. You even gave him chances to change and he choose not to. Keep us up to date on what you decide and stay strong.

[BlueAndYellow]

Hi Amy and thanks for your help (and the patience to read this). I know he's been an idiot. But when you're dumped I guess it is part of the process feeling a little guilty. We always wonder if there was something we could have done to avoid the crash. Anyway, you're right. He doesn't deserve me. And that's what hurts the most... I gave my heart and soul to this guy. He was my first long term relationship and it was the first time I was willing to fight for someone. In the past I've always been too afraid I'd commit and get hurt. And this time I did it. Well, look how great that turned out...!

I'm mostly angry that he destroyed my trust in relationships. I've always been a believer, but now I look at guys like they're the Devil!

But I guess time will heal everything... But I don't think I'll be licking anybody's wounds any time soon:laugh:

Lucky me, I'm way too proud to do something stupid. But I hope he doesn't try to come back. I won't go after him, but I'm still not over him and if he comes back I'm afraid I'll have a hard time staying strong on my decision to stay away from him. But it's for the best... Maybe I was lucky he dumped me... He is too screwed up right now.

Hopefully when I'm over him he'll realise what he did to me was stupid and come back crying... So that I can say a big and proud "no". I really tried in the past, but right now I'd really love to see him beg!

P.S. Sorry for my english, I'm American but I moved when I was 4... Still mess it up a lot.

[MattyTee]

Hey Blue,

 

Sorry to hear you are going through this too. There isn't really much I can add to what Amy said. I'm sure after some time and healing you will be able to put aside any guilt you feel and realise that he let someone really special go.

 

Try not to lose your trust in people just because one person hurt you. I know that's easier to say than do

 

Go through the anger, in fact perhaps punch a pillow or two but try to let that go with forgiveness. Holding on that feeling will make you feel bitter. Again, I know it's easy to say.

 

Your English is fine, way better than 99% of 'English' people I know

 

Be well

[alwayshurt]

Hi Blue,

 

please don't feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong.

Don't let this experience ruin your love belief. Things happen always for a reason and although sometime it's hard to see it because we are hurt later in life we will give a sense to what made us once suffer.

 

Men are not all the same. I, for istance, would love to meet somebody like you because or your qualities. Thus I ended up meeting always the b*****es and here I am in pain for somebody that does not even deserve an "hello" from me. But this is the way life goes.

I am confident that one day I will find that person that I don't have to sit there and think what to do or what games to play in order to catch her attraction. I want to be loved for who I am and give the same without any condition.

Just leave this guy alone, he is not for you, and move on. Leave the door open for what comes next. It may be another ass or the right one for you. Don't give up.

 

Hugs.