Author nadiaj2727 Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 OWoman: Or his new GF? Perhaps he parked at the back so she wouldn't know he was there, having spun her some story about having to go somewhere else, after their morning activities. Ha ha maybe! Since he thinks I'm a serial monogamist, maybe he's a serial cheater! If your scenario's at all true, hopefully that poor girl gets the hint about what kind of guy he is from the fact that he didn't answer the door. Thanks everyone, I guess I can't hold myself responsible for their D and that this is another good reason I didn't patiently wait for him to do it (which I've convinced would have taken over a year) or gave him an ultimatum like file tomorrow or I'm gone. Either way, if I had ended up with him under those circumstances, I would have always looked at it that he dumped her to be with me... and then he would probably dumb me to be with someone else. I'm going to get a better filter and stick to single guys without too many issues!
TogetherForever Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 OWoman: Or his new GF? Perhaps he parked at the back so she wouldn't know he was there, having spun her some story about having to go somewhere else, after their morning activities. Ha ha maybe! Since he thinks I'm a serial monogamist, maybe he's a serial cheater! If your scenario's at all true, hopefully that poor girl gets the hint about what kind of guy he is from the fact that he didn't answer the door. Thanks everyone, I guess I can't hold myself responsible for their D and that this is another good reason I didn't patiently wait for him to do it (which I've convinced would have taken over a year) or gave him an ultimatum like file tomorrow or I'm gone. Either way, if I had ended up with him under those circumstances, I would have always looked at it that he dumped her to be with me... and then he would probably dumb me to be with someone else. I'm going to get a better filter and stick to single guys without too many issues! :bunny:Great for you Nadia!!! He's a loser & you will find someone muuuuuuuuch better. And by the way - Serial Monogamist? Now that's one I've never heard:laugh:. Stay strong!!! TF
Author nadiaj2727 Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 TF: Yeah, really, a "serial monogamist." Like that's the worst thing a person could be ha ha. You're right, I know I will find someone much better. When I met xMM I was engaged (which I guess is why xMM called me a serial monogamist... but I wasn't monogamist with xMM since he was MARRIED, more like I went from monogamy to some strange kind of polygamy lol) to a really great guy. I was happy with him and I thought things were fine. I can't say I had any complaints besides normal nit-picky ones that were no big deal... overall he would have made an awesome husband, I was so lucky back then to have such a good guy. But when I met xMM and had all these crazy feelings of passion and romance and what felt like love, I thought it meant I shouldn't be with my fiance, and I broke up with him. Now I realize I was *so* stupid... what I had with my ex fiance was the genuine thing, the "real love" I had never understood until AFTER I had such a fiasco with xMM-- he was there for me no matter what, he proved he loved me with actions instead of just words, he wanted it to be just me and him forever... it was a very happy and stable relationship where he accepted me for who I was and wasn't selfish with his love. Even when I broke up with him and he was so hurt, he said he loved me with all his heart and he always will, and he would do anything for me. (I'm sure xMM has/ would say that, but he's hardly proven it). Now I realize that if I could have concentrated on putting some passion and spark into that relationship that naturally got a little stale after time -- instead of drifting off into fairy tale land with xMM because it was new and fresh -- I would have been so much better off. I really regret what happened and the choices I made. I feel like I lost the best thing that ever happened to me because of my own selfishness and naitivity. But I know that if I had it once, I will find it again, and this time I will know it's worth keeping and growing it even stronger instead of running off with the first third party (a MM, no less!) who makes me feel butterflies all over again. Thank you all for your support. Yesterday I was feeling so down b/c of my involvement in their D. Today I feel happy for the first time in awhile, like, wow, my future is so bright now that I don't have to worry about xMM screwing it up.
TogetherForever Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 TF: Yeah, really, a "serial monogamist." Like that's the worst thing a person could be ha ha. You're right, I know I will find someone much better. When I met xMM I was engaged (which I guess is why xMM called me a serial monogamist... but I wasn't monogamist with xMM since he was MARRIED, more like I went from monogamy to some strange kind of polygamy lol) to a really great guy. I was happy with him and I thought things were fine. I can't say I had any complaints besides normal nit-picky ones that were no big deal... overall he would have made an awesome husband, I was so lucky back then to have such a good guy. But when I met xMM and had all these crazy feelings of passion and romance and what felt like love, I thought it meant I shouldn't be with my fiance, and I broke up with him. Now I realize I was *so* stupid... what I had with my ex fiance was the genuine thing, the "real love" I had never understood until AFTER I had such a fiasco with xMM-- he was there for me no matter what, he proved he loved me with actions instead of just words, he wanted it to be just me and him forever... it was a very happy and stable relationship where he accepted me for who I was and wasn't selfish with his love. Even when I broke up with him and he was so hurt, he said he loved me with all his heart and he always will, and he would do anything for me. (I'm sure xMM has/ would say that, but he's hardly proven it). Now I realize that if I could have concentrated on putting some passion and spark into that relationship that naturally got a little stale after time -- instead of drifting off into fairy tale land with xMM because it was new and fresh -- I would have been so much better off. I really regret what happened and the choices I made. I feel like I lost the best thing that ever happened to me because of my own selfishness and naitivity. But I know that if I had it once, I will find it again, and this time I will know it's worth keeping and growing it even stronger instead of running off with the first third party (a MM, no less!) who makes me feel butterflies all over again. Thank you all for your support. Yesterday I was feeling so down b/c of my involvement in their D. Today I feel happy for the first time in awhile, like, wow, my future is so bright now that I don't have to worry about xMM screwing it up. NADIA'S FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT, SHE'S GOTTA WEAR SHADES > . (Cheesey, I know, but I hope it made you smile a little) TF
Author nadiaj2727 Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 Something is seriously wrong with me. I say this: "I feel happy for the first time in awhile, like, wow, my future is so bright now that I don't have to worry about xMM screwing it up." (from my post earlier today) And I mean it. I say he's a loser and I mean it. I say (and feel) that he's been dishonest with me, he's been deceptive to me and others, he lives a double life, he waffles, he doesn't know what he wants, he is co-dependent, etc... and I know that all of that means I don't want to be with him even if he gets divorced. But then something happens and I forget all of that and I miss him and I want to be with him. Today at work people were talking about him getting divorced!!! He wasn't there and they were talking about it. So it must be really happening. I start to think, "wow, he is doing all of this to be with me, I should try to at least give us a shot after he's divorced." And my heart flutters and I realize that I really did love him even though I should never have let that happen. I still go from up to down to up to down. When will it end? I wish they *weren't* getting divorced and then I could feel smug and be like, "hmmm, what a loser, he's going back to his wife anyway", or angry, like, "What a sleazebag, he's never going to tell her the truth." ANYTHING but this depressed feeling that he's doing it all for me and I no longer want him to, I just want to forget about him completely. And then I have that *strange* love feeling... how can I love someone I hate?!?!?!?
GreenEyedLady Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Something is seriously wrong with me. I say this: "I feel happy for the first time in awhile, like, wow, my future is so bright now that I don't have to worry about xMM screwing it up." (from my post earlier today) And I mean it. I say he's a loser and I mean it. I say (and feel) that he's been dishonest with me, he's been deceptive to me and others, he lives a double life, he waffles, he doesn't know what he wants, he is co-dependent, etc... and I know that all of that means I don't want to be with him even if he gets divorced. But then something happens and I forget all of that and I miss him and I want to be with him. Today at work people were talking about him getting divorced!!! He wasn't there and they were talking about it. So it must be really happening. I start to think, "wow, he is doing all of this to be with me, I should try to at least give us a shot after he's divorced." And my heart flutters and I realize that I really did love him even though I should never have let that happen. I still go from up to down to up to down. When will it end? I wish they *weren't* getting divorced and then I could feel smug and be like, "hmmm, what a loser, he's going back to his wife anyway", or angry, like, "What a sleazebag, he's never going to tell her the truth." ANYTHING but this depressed feeling that he's doing it all for me and I no longer want him to, I just want to forget about him completely. And then I have that *strange* love feeling... how can I love someone I hate?!?!?!? What do you want? Out of life? Are his goals similar to yours? Forget about whether he is getting divorced or not...Is he the one you would want to share your life with? Why do you love him?
frannie Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 From what he's told me, before he even met me she'd said, "We have a loveless marriage, I want out, I consider us separated, you can see anyone you want." I'd believe this was the case. Most divorces happen because that's what the W wants. All the other stuff he told you about his telling her he no longer loved her blah blah is probably just a lot of hot air. JMHO, but it doesn't sound very likely from any reading of men. Something is seriously wrong with me. I say this: "I feel happy for the first time in awhile, like, wow, my future is so bright now that I don't have to worry about xMM screwing it up." (from my post earlier today) And I mean it. I say he's a loser and I mean it. I say (and feel) that he's been dishonest with me, he's been deceptive to me and others, he lives a double life, he waffles, he doesn't know what he wants, he is co-dependent, etc... and I know that all of that means I don't want to be with him even if he gets divorced. But then something happens and I forget all of that and I miss him and I want to be with him. Today at work people were talking about him getting divorced!!! He wasn't there and they were talking about it. So it must be really happening. I start to think, "wow, he is doing all of this to be with me, I should try to at least give us a shot after he's divorced." And my heart flutters and I realize that I really did love him even though I should never have let that happen. I still go from up to down to up to down. When will it end? I wish they *weren't* getting divorced and then I could feel smug and be like, "hmmm, what a loser, he's going back to his wife anyway", or angry, like, "What a sleazebag, he's never going to tell her the truth." ANYTHING but this depressed feeling that he's doing it all for me and I no longer want him to, I just want to forget about him completely. And then I have that *strange* love feeling... how can I love someone I hate?!?!?!? There seem to be a few things going on here. One of them is that of course you miss him, miss what you (seemed to) have had with him... before you found out all those things about how messed up his head is. And those are probably the reasons that his W wants a divorce, of course. But also, you have this incredible guilt and dreadful feeling that he's doing it for you (which he is NOT), and therefore you owe him something. I would guess that that's what the horrible feeling inside you is. I think that that is what you really need to address. I tried to list those things out for you in my last post, but perhaps it was far too short and didn't give enough detail to attract your attention. You do NOT owe him anything. The divorce is Nothing to do with you, no matter what he claims. His W has decided she no longer wants him. Anything else coming out of his mouth is very likely just hot air. He's well aware that you feel guilty and feel you owe him something, so it's no wonder that's the angle he's pushing. Sorry to be so blunt, but that seems to me to be what's going on.
Author nadiaj2727 Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Frannie, If his wife doesn't want him, why does she still wear her wedding rings? I saw her last week and she still had them on. Also, after he moved out she gave him a book about problems couples have and how they can work them out. I saw the book after he went to their old house where she's still living, and he said that she changed her mind and wants to go to counseling instead of getting a divorce (this was in like May or June right after he moved out). Could he have made this up to make me think his wife still wanted him? Or could she have said, "I no longer want you" in the beginning, and then changed her mind after he moved out, and he was confused about what to do about their marriage and THAT's what's been dragging his divorce on for so long? And you're right, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and obligation towards him. I don't want to feel that any more. I guess I need to just start thinking about myself. Why do I feel I owe him something when he obviously did not feel the same towards me, or his wife? He didn't give either of us the respect we deserved to just be straight-forward with both of us. So I don't feel bad being straight-forward to him now and saying, I do not want to be with you, no matter what (even if my heart sometimes says otherwise, I know it's deceiving me and I try hard not to let on to that around him). I do miss what we had but when I examine it I realize that it was just fluff, nothing that could have lasted, and that he presented himself as a very different person than he really is. Plus I formed a deep emotional attachment to him, which of course is hard to break away from, even after I discovered it was a bad attachment... and especially hard to break away from when I realize he's always played games with my head and is still trying to, so I get so frustrated trying to figure out what's real and what's not.
Author nadiaj2727 Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 GreenEyedLady-- "What do you want? Out of life? Are his goals similar to yours? Forget about whether he is getting divorced or not...Is he the one you would want to share your life with? Why do you love him?" I would like to thank you for asking me this question. I sat down last night and wrote down the things that attracted me to him, and the things I don't like about him currently. It helped me to see that he is not the right man for me. He has no problem being deceptive, living a double life, and lying to me, his wife, and other people so as to make things look better for him and get what he wants. Plus he is co-dependent and way too needy for my tastes. I don't know if this would change after he gets his divorce, like he says, and how much is due to depression etc. But I know that I want a man who will act upon his words no matter how depressed, etc., he is, and who will put my interests ahead of his own. My xMM doesn't do that, and if he doesn't do that now, I can't wait around to see if he might do that later after his situation has changed. So thank you very much... now when I see him I won't be as sad or miss what we "had", because I see the truth about what we have right now, which is nothing. Thanks again. ~Nadia
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