NC without NC

[smartgirl]

I'd like to suggest a variation on LJ's suggested approach with the OW. You can be unemotional, highly professional and standoffish without "poking her with a sharp stick." That is the expression my H used.

 

You don't want to provoke this woman. She has already shown that she doesn't have your interests or those of your family in mind. Don't give her reason to strike out and cause you problems at home or at work. Just be professional and dispassionate. You can take a kind tone of voice as long as you are firm and unwavering about not having personal conversations of any kind and especially not talking about the A in any way shape or form. You have to put a pillow over its face.

 

She will likely keep trying anyway. My h's ow did. She kept promising him not to bring it up and then did over and over again. Unfortunately, he is a pleaser too and allowed the conversations to go on for too long. Keep it short and see if you can move your office or in some other way put yourself more in the open where she is limited in her ability to corner you for talks. Can you change your hours - come in earlier and leave earlier.

 

And big question -- does your W know that she works with you???

[Chrome Barracuda]

This situation is just FUBAR, I mean he promises his wife to go NC and yet ends up sleeping with the jumpoff anyway's now he's stuck because if he tells his wife she'll probably leave him and yet the jumpoff may tell the wife and give evidence about it and the wife will leave him anyway's.

 

Hey T did you ever have sex with the OW at her house? Because you better pray she didnt videotape you and had you on hidden camera! That's blackmail but it does happen.

[Triarge]

LJ, sorry about the coffee

 

I've not read "The Five Love Languages" yet. I'll add it to my list. Currently reading "Men are from mars, Women from Venus" and finding that interesting for sure. I read the "big boys don't cry.." article. Quite interesting and it did make me think. I understand now why I like chick flicks and get a huge headache whilst chocking back the tears (men dont cry do they?)

 

Let her think what she pleases. You've already explained your position to the best of your ability... probably many times. Your job is done on that score. Now, it's time to be true to yourself, your goals, and your family. You're not EASY MEAT to be poached, right? People can't just walk right up and carry you off in a bag, can they?

 

This hit a nerve with me. The OW said something yesterday that made me feel just like that. Easy meat. It bothered me alot. I was driving home and I was going over things in my mind. I suddenly had this voice in my head (going mad now maybe?) that just said "WIN!" Win what??

 

I realise this is a game, a battle. She's been playing her moves and until now I didnt even realise. The lines have been drawn and now I have to do just that -win! But then, I had to work out what circumstances defined a 'win'. It came out like this...

 

If I properly fix my marriage and disolve everything else with the the OW then I win, but my wife also wins, and my children win, and everybody else who's in that circle of influence (possibly down to my future grandchildren) win.

 

The alternative leaves everyone loosing except the OW (maybe) and me??? I read "31 reasons to stop the affair". That was enough to make me realise that the colorful land of Oz wouldnt be all its cracked up to be and Id soon be wanting to be back in Kansas.

 

So, now I have a game to play I know the conditions that define a win and I have something to play for. I hate to loose too!

 

So, thankyou LJ and smartgirl for your suggestions. I now have some 'moves' that I can play with. I 'll suck it and see what works.

 

I'll keep updating every now and again to let you know how I do.

 

TTFN.

[Ladyjane14]

I'll keep updating every now and again to let you know how I do.

 

Excellent.

Just remember if you start feeling weak or needful of support... come here FIRST before you act on those feelings. You sound strong... but you're not out of the woods yet, fella.

 

Good luck.

[White Flower]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shades of Grey

The OW is a person with feelings too.

 

Ladyjane14 originally stated>

 

Of course she is. But her feelings are not the objective. She's not here asking for advice. Triarge is.

 

The fact that they had an affair together is well established, as is the fact that he's broken up with her. But she's not respecting his decision on that when she keeps pursuing him. What was... WAS. Where we are now is dealing with what IS.

 

And yeah, I've already told him that NC is a better plan, but failing that... all he can do now is meet her continued contacts with strong rebuff. If she's hard-headed, it's going to be unpleasant for her. But if she's smart, then as Lucrezia posted earlier on another thread... "No new contact = No new hurt."

 

I actually agree that LadyJane has a good plan here. The only problem might be that the OW probably knows Triarge well enough to see right through this facade. But it is good advice. If my MM tried it on me, I'd accept it, but walk away smiling. Not in a conceited way, but I would think it was cute that he was trying so hard to get over me. I guess it would be touching. I hope to get an update from Triarge.

 

LadyJane, thanks for posting so many threads for us to follow. We don't always agree on the issues, but you are thorough:)

[White Flower]

Have you read The Five Love Languages by Chapman yet?

 

If not, maybe in order to strengthen the marital relationship, you and your wife might give it a try. No one book is the 'be-all-and-end-all" on marital advice. But it's a fairly well-rounded, easy read, which might get you focused on one another's ENs (emotional needs) within the relationship. The basic premise is that people respond to loving action in different ways, and that it's best to show your love for your partner in ways that allow them to feel and recognize it.

 

If possible, read it together, maybe a few pages aloud each night... IN BED. It'll get you talking, and hopefully lead to some nonverbal forms of communication as well.

I read it years ago and could not get my H to read it. I finally gave it to my sister who asked for it and she cannot get her finance to read it:(

 

Triarge, READ this book! It will pay off!

[White Flower]

The natural shelf-life on Infatuation is only 2-4 years, but an illicit affair can extend it for a decade or more due to the secrecy of 'the rush' factor. You FEED the addiction every time you engage in contact with the OW, even when the contact is casual, and even when you just allow your mind to wander in thought regarding her. "The rush" doesn't even have to feel pleasant in order to provide a "fix". Any kind of drama will do, even a self-induced one.

quote]

I have read about this before; that love, or the feelings of falling in love are chemical and last about 3 years. The chemicals are re-aroused during reproduction, thus, during the child-rearing years couples tend to fall in love (chemically) over and over again. According the the most recent essay I read on it, married couples tend to experience the "love" chemical every 3-4 years coincidentally when they are having another child.

 

But what the heck do we do when no more children come? I'm not going off on a tangent, but you seem to be well read on the chemistry of love, LJ. What do you think? (Perhaps I should start a new thread?) Thanks.

 

Sure wish we could bottle up those chemicals:)

[Ladyjane14]

The natural shelf-life on Infatuation is only 2-4 years, but an illicit affair can extend it for a decade or more due to the secrecy of 'the rush' factor. You FEED the addiction every time you engage in contact with the OW, even when the contact is casual, and even when you just allow your mind to wander in thought regarding her. "The rush" doesn't even have to feel pleasant in order to provide a "fix". Any kind of drama will do, even a self-induced one.

I have read about this before; that love, or the feelings of falling in love are chemical and last about 3 years. The chemicals are re-aroused during reproduction, thus, during the child-rearing years couples tend to fall in love (chemically) over and over again. According the the most recent essay I read on it, married couples tend to experience the "love" chemical every 3-4 years coincidentally when they are having another child.

 

But what the heck do we do when no more children come? I'm not going off on a tangent, but you seem to be well read on the chemistry of love, LJ. What do you think? (Perhaps I should start a new thread?) Thanks.

 

Sure wish we could bottle up those chemicals:)

 

Yeah, bottling those "feel-good" chemicals up would sure save alot of marriages. I can't argue with that.

 

But as nice as those feelings of Infatuation are, they're still no match for Love which has grown to maturity. The satisfaction and contentment are enormous, more like a wine which has been aged to perfection rather than the bite and tang of grape juice.

 

Bear in mind that I'm not a doctor or scientist, but just in reading along in various places, I think the best way to access to those feeling which move a woman toward sexuality with her mate are through the adrenals. That is, of course, taking the reproductive system out of the equation. The majority of our testosterone and progesterone are produced in the ovaries, which is why alot of women notice an increase in desire right before ovulation and menses. These hormones have innumerable uses in the body, but for the purpose of discussion... they tend to develop our drive for mating.

 

In order to bypass this natural mating drive though and access it as a matter of... I dunno... romance maybe , we can utilize the adrenal system where we find a whole big bunch of other chemicals that either drive us toward our goal or completely derail us when they're out of whack, say in response to depression. Neurotransmitters, like dopamine and adrenaline, are what give us our "butterflies" at that point.

 

During Infatuation, these are hyper-stimulated, hence the overload. But that doesn't mean we can't seek out ways to produce them in a long-term mate. Heck, you see 'drama queen/kings' from time to time that are so addicted to it that they keep their lives (and those around them) in a more or less constant state of upheaval. But that's more of an addiction rather than a healthy thing.

 

Anyway, this is why reintroducing romance into your relationship, and backing it up with a more or less constant state of loving action, works to maintain Mature Love. Occasionally, you have the "butterfly" feeling where dopamine and adrenaline spike, but for the most part, you're keeping a more steady balance in neurotransmitters like serotonin (which helps us control our moods and emotions) and norapinephrine (which helps to regulate impulsivity), altogether producing more contentment and satisfaction. If you ask me, that's why you see people who are stressed out physically or emotionally kind of 'lose it'.

 

I think there's probably ALOT more going on physiologically with people who are experiencing emotional issues than what we can currently understand scientifically, or certainly as laymen. Altogether fascinating stuff if you're into it though. It becomes easy to see how a flood of progesterone can be causal in PMDD and why some women respond well to synthetic agents which manage it, or why re-uptake inhibitors can be successful in the management of depression and other disorders. The challenge, of course, being in proper identification and finding the right medication and behavioral techniques to suit each individual. When you think about it, given the body's complexities... it's a wonder we're all not just mindlessly bumping into walls.

 

Anyway, 'prioritizing your partner as you would yourself' and keeping it MUTUAL helps to manage stress and plays a significant role in keeping all those "plates spinning". Throw in a little romance to get your hearts beating fast now and then... next thing you know, you're happy as two little peas in a pod.

 

 

 

p.s. Pregnancy and childbirth did NOT improve my disposition toward my husband, btw. I don't recall feeling all that warm and fuzzy at the time. Maybe that's just me.

 

But... we did have a reintroduction of the Infatuation stage during reconciliation which caused quite a bit of hysterical bonding.

[Triarge]

Nice post.. rattled my brain a bit, hence I re-read it a few times

 

Heck, you see 'drama queen/kings' from time to time that are so addicted to it that they keep their lives (and those around them) in a more or less constant state of upheaval. But that's more of an addiction rather than a healthy thing.

 

I read something similar in a book called "The Power Of Now" (highly recommended) regarding "Love/Hate" cycles. To quote Eckhart...

 

Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence , all relationships , and particularly intimate relationships , are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional . They may seem perfect for a while , such as when you are “ in love “ , but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments , conflicts , dissatisfaction , and emotional and even physical violence occur with increasing frequency . It seems that most “love relationships” become love/hate relationships before long . Love can then even turn to savage attack , feeling of hostility , or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch . This is considered normal . Th relationship then oscillates for a while , a few months or a few years , between the polarities of “love” and hate , and it gives you as much pleasure as it gives you pain . It is not uncommon for couples to become addicted to those cycles .Their drama makes them feel alive . When a balance between positive / negative polarities is lost and the negative , destructive cycles occur with increasing frequency and intensity, which tends to happen sooner or later , then it will not be long before the relationship collapses . It may appear that if you could only eliminate the negative or destructive cycles , then all would be well and the relationship would flower beautifully ---------- but alas , this is not possible . The polarities are mutually interdependent .You cannot have one with out the other. The positive already contains within itself the as yet unmanifested negative . Both are in fact different aspects of the same dysfunction. I am speaking here of what is commonly called romantic relationships ------ not of true love ,which has no opposite because it arises from beyond the mind .love as a continuous state is as yet very rare---- as rare as conscious human beings .Brief and elusive glimpses of love , however , are possible whenever there is a gap in the stream of mind .

[Triarge]

I actually agree that LadyJane has a good plan here. The only problem might be that the OW probably knows Triarge well enough to see right through this facade. But it is good advice. If my MM tried it on me, I'd accept it, but walk away smiling. Not in a conceited way, but I would think it was cute that he was trying so hard to get over me. I guess it would be touching. I hope to get an update from Triarge.

 

Yes she does know me well and she's not stupid. She thinks I'm resisiting her to do the right thing. She's also stubborn and doesnt like to loose so I can imagine her sitting this out thinking "It's only a matter of time".

 

[update]

Friday (cornered in kitchen) OW told me that she's seen a spiritualist and that she told her it would be all sorted out by January. I'd be moving in with my bags packed. Which is incredibly odd because shes a complete skeptic regarding stuff like that!!!

[whichwayisup]

Friday (cornered in kitchen) OW told me that she's seen a spiritualist and that she told her it would be all sorted out by January. I'd be moving in with my bags packed. Which is incredibly odd because shes a complete skeptic regarding stuff like that!!!

Fact that she knows you two are in NC mode, she's purposely cornering you now at work? Telling you this crap? It's wishful thinking on her behalf.

 

I have to ask, did you react to what she said? What did you say or did you just walk out of the room?

 

You need to be tough because she's now got you thinking her..

 

I hope you think about finding another job because with her in your face all day, you may not be talking to her much, but she IS on your mind which equals thoughts taken away from your wife, where your focus should be.

[Triarge]

It was quite clever of her actually because she got me asking bloody questions..

 

I ended up asking her what this mystic had said. It had me curious. Well, talk about getting a bite from me! I swallowed that one whole in hindsight didnt I?

 

Anyway, I kinda laughed.. because I found it more funny than anything. I didnt get chance to say much about it because another staff member walked in shortly after.

[Ladyjane14]

Friday (cornered in kitchen) OW told me that she's seen a spiritualist and that she told her it would be all sorted out by January. I'd be moving in with my bags packed. Which is incredibly odd because shes a complete skeptic regarding stuff like that!!!

 

What did you say in response to that?

 

I'm thinking, hey... here's a Golden Opportunity to start practicing your rebuff of her overtures. Say, for example, you had responded, "Well, I hope you didn't pay too much"... and then beat feet out of the kitchenette.

 

It's not "poking her with a stick", but it IS letting her know that you're not on the same page any longer.

 

I just read a GORGEOUS post of yours over on Matt's thread, and I'm going to repost it here for the sake of posterity and so that in moments of self-doubt you can come to this thread and SEE how strong you are. :

 

I followed your original thread very closely because it was so close to home, so I can really appreciate how your feeling right now.

 

10 months ago, I myself came here reading the advice on these forums. It was all logical, it was all good advice. I'd read posts, gain strength, leave the forums and then falter at the first chance of communication with the OW.

 

What you read here is like food for the soul; It's good food but it doesnt last long before you need to come back and feed again. You cant stay here and read all day and you ultimately have to leave and do some living. Then its just you, and what you remember being told.

 

You need to find a way to feed yourself. You have to work this out in your own mind and 'know' whats right rather than being 'told' whats right. Thats why councelling will help.

 

A counceller may help you figure out whats going on in your own mind. A good councellor will ask questions that will help you look inside yourself and maybe realise what it is you need from yourself and your relationship/s. Do it quickly! I'm going to (soon hopefully) and I might add I'm British too

 

Its a good thing its ended with the OW for sure. I do worry though about the circumstances. It seems to be all 'reactive' to the OW's actions and behaviour around you. Your email almost has the tone of "Is she going off me?" Thats not good. Maybe she is moving on with her life; she has every right to. Maybe this is another weapon in her arsenal of her finally 'landing' you and (to quote Ladyjane) "poaching" you like a piece of easy meat.

 

Its a scary thought when someone who you believe to love you starts to move on. You feel like your loosing something of value. You suddenly start to question if your as good as she really said you was. Why would she be leaving if so?

 

That to boot and your also losing one of your 'safety nets'.. Damn! Better start putting all those eggs back into the other basket. The ****s falling out of the bottom of this one!!

 

That dream you had. Scared you didnt it? Imagine that one day, when you no longer have any more chances left - Thats where your wife *will* end up. It will be you looking at your ex-wife though some other guys eyes. He'll noticie how beautiful she is. He will look at her adoringly. He'll be in her bed.

 

I'm not trying to be nasty. I'm trying to shock you into seeing what your risking. At the moment your out looking for silver. What you dont realise is that at home, under the stairs, in that dusty old box you never opened, theres a whole worth of gold!!

 

Gawd!! ...I LOVE IT when a FWS (formerly wayward spouse) EMPOWERS himself, when he (or she, for that matter) looks up and realizes that life can't lead him around by the nose unless he signs off on it. That's so cool.

 

Listen, don't worry if you didn't have a ready rejoinder in the kitchenette. Unfortunately, until you're able to establish complete NC, the OW's likely to give you plenty more opportunities. The key here is going to be mental preparation beforehand, so slapping that hand back whenever she makes a move, becomes a more automatic response. I think you'll get to that point more naturally as you improve emotional intimacy at home.

 

If you haven't read it yet, type into your browser "why women leave men, marriagebuilders" and read the article you find there. I think maybe it'll give you some tips on how to get your wife out of whatever compartment she resides in, and how you can 'bring her with you' throughout your day so that you feel her support even in her absence.

[whichwayisup]

It was quite clever of her actually because she got me asking bloody questions..

 

I ended up asking her what this mystic had said. It had me curious. Well, talk about getting a bite from me! I swallowed that one whole in hindsight didnt I?

 

Anyway, I kinda laughed.. because I found it more funny than anything. I didnt get chance to say much about it because another staff member walked in shortly after.

 

Any reaction you give her is going to edge her on. You are aware of this, right? See, I believe that you think these little chats on the side, mean nothing and are harmless but what you're not understanding is, when you are in the kitchen with the OW, amused, asking questions as she baffles you - ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT YOUR WIFE AND THE PURPOSE OF NC? I mean, you are breaking the rules here and everytime you put ANY thought, ounce of energy into the OW, you take that away from your wife, from your goal of NOT losing your wife. Does this make sense now? And that is why I keep telling you, it's time to look for another job as it's impossible for you to follow NC with the OW. She intrigues you which makes you feel something again.

[michaelk]

I have read about this before; that love, or the feelings of falling in love are chemical and last about 3 years. The chemicals are re-aroused during reproduction, thus, during the child-rearing years couples tend to fall in love (chemically) over and over again. According the the most recent essay I read on it, married couples tend to experience the "love" chemical every 3-4 years coincidentally when they are having another child.

 

This doesn't jibe with my own personal experience. If anything, each child we had brought us closer to splitting up, especially during the first couple of years after birth.

 

I can tell you that my wife wasn't feeling 'in love' with me during those periods, because all her attention went to the baby. I'd be surprised if most new mothers didn't act that way. Seems to make sense biologically.

[michaelk]

Any reaction you give her is going to edge her on. You are aware of this, right? See, I believe that you think these little chats on the side, mean nothing and are harmless but what you're not understanding is, when you are in the kitchen with the OW, amused, asking questions as she baffles you - ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT YOUR WIFE AND THE PURPOSE OF NC? I mean, you are breaking the rules here and everytime you put ANY thought, ounce of energy into the OW, you take that away from your wife, from your goal of NOT losing your wife. Does this make sense now? And that is why I keep telling you, it's time to look for another job as it's impossible for you to follow NC with the OW. She intrigues you which makes you feel something again.

 

I doubt he believes they're harmless. I'm sure they give him a thrill with the notion that she still wants him, and the possibility that her prediction of them being together may come true. Somewhere inside, he knows he's being tugged at, realizes it's distracting him and probably even likes it to some degree.

 

Having said that, if he's been emotionally involved with the OW, he can't be expected to NEVER think of (or "put an ounce of energy into") her. It's not natural. Yes, that should be his goal, because that will help him create emotional distance. But realistically, this is going to be a struggle, and he'll continue to think of her for some time to come.

 

It's got to be torture working in the same place as her. I'd get out of there if it was at all possible.

[whichwayisup]

if he's been emotionally involved with the OW, he can't be expected to NEVER think of (or "put an ounce of energy into") her. It's not natural. Yes, that should be his goal, because that will help him create emotional distance. But realistically, this is going to be a struggle, and he'll continue to think of her for some time to come.

 

I understand that, but what he is allowing is NOT helping him prevent those thoughts. Infact, being around the OW PERIOD is making her be on his mind MORE, especially at work. How the heck can someone try their best to forget the affair partner when they corner you and spew out crap like "it would be all sorted out by January. I'd be moving in with my bags packed." The OW is completely OUT of line and is disrespecting NC mode. But, with that being said, T isn't sticking to NC either as he is enabling the OW's behaviour by allowing the game to continue...

[White Flower]

Yes she does know me well and she's not stupid. She thinks I'm resisiting her to do the right thing. She's also stubborn and doesnt like to loose so I can imagine her sitting this out thinking "It's only a matter of time".

 

[update]

Friday (cornered in kitchen) OW told me that she's seen a spiritualist and that she told her it would be all sorted out by January. I'd be moving in with my bags packed. Which is incredibly odd because shes a complete skeptic regarding stuff like that!!!

She must be desperate and/or using the power of suggestion. Gosh, it sounds like it's going to be messy. I hope I don't act like that when the time comes:o

 

Dignity, dignity, dignity.

[White Flower]

Yeah, bottling those "feel-good" chemicals up would sure save alot of marriages. I can't argue with that.

 

But as nice as those feelings of Infatuation are, they're still no match for Love which has grown to maturity. The satisfaction and contentment are enormous, more like a wine which has been aged to perfection rather than the bite and tang of grape juice.

 

Bear in mind that I'm not a doctor or scientist, but just in reading along in various places, I think the best way to access to those feeling which move a woman toward sexuality with her mate are through the adrenals. That is, of course, taking the reproductive system out of the equation. The majority of our testosterone and progesterone are produced in the ovaries, which is why alot of women notice an increase in desire right before ovulation and menses. These hormones have innumerable uses in the body, but for the purpose of discussion... they tend to develop our drive for mating.

 

In order to bypass this natural mating drive though and access it as a matter of... I dunno... romance maybe , we can utilize the adrenal system where we find a whole big bunch of other chemicals that either drive us toward our goal or completely derail us when they're out of whack, say in response to depression. Neurotransmitters, like dopamine and adrenaline, are what give us our "butterflies" at that point.

 

During Infatuation, these are hyper-stimulated, hence the overload. But that doesn't mean we can't seek out ways to produce them in a long-term mate. Heck, you see 'drama queen/kings' from time to time that are so addicted to it that they keep their lives (and those around them) in a more or less constant state of upheaval. But that's more of an addiction rather than a healthy thing.

 

Anyway, this is why reintroducing romance into your relationship, and backing it up with a more or less constant state of loving action, works to maintain Mature Love. Occasionally, you have the "butterfly" feeling where dopamine and adrenaline spike, but for the most part, you're keeping a more steady balance in neurotransmitters like serotonin (which helps us control our moods and emotions) and norapinephrine (which helps to regulate impulsivity), altogether producing more contentment and satisfaction. If you ask me, that's why you see people who are stressed out physically or emotionally kind of 'lose it'.

 

I think there's probably ALOT more going on physiologically with people who are experiencing emotional issues than what we can currently understand scientifically, or certainly as laymen. Altogether fascinating stuff if you're into it though. It becomes easy to see how a flood of progesterone can be causal in PMDD and why some women respond well to synthetic agents which manage it, or why re-uptake inhibitors can be successful in the management of depression and other disorders. The challenge, of course, being in proper identification and finding the right medication and behavioral techniques to suit each individual. When you think about it, given the body's complexities... it's a wonder we're all not just mindlessly bumping into walls.

 

Anyway, 'prioritizing your partner as you would yourself' and keeping it MUTUAL helps to manage stress and plays a significant role in keeping all those "plates spinning". Throw in a little romance to get your hearts beating fast now and then... next thing you know, you're happy as two little peas in a pod.

 

 

 

p.s. Pregnancy and childbirth did NOT improve my disposition toward my husband, btw. I don't recall feeling all that warm and fuzzy at the time. Maybe that's just me.

 

But... we did have a reintroduction of the Infatuation stage during reconciliation which caused quite a bit of hysterical bonding.

Great post again, LJ! Thanks for putting so much time into it:)

 

My H and I did go through that lovey-dovey period after childbirth each time. I think it was a combination of the "pregnancy glow", and him respecting all the nurturing I did with each newborn. Actually, he got up many times in the middle of the night to feed the babies too and it made me gush with love. Plus there's the can't-wait-to-have-sex-again at the 6 week point! I don't think we ever made it that far!

 

Triarge, what about you and your wife? Hope I'm not TJ

[Stuck for Now]

I've read all the responses sent to you. All I can say is "Man Up". You want your cake and eat it too. Sorry to be so blunt, but c'mon man your hurting your wife who you made vows to.

[White Flower]

Hi Triarge,

 

Did you answer the question on this thread regarding your W knowing you work with the exOW? Sorry, I read through quickly and did not see an answer. Just curious. If she knows, how is she handling it? Does she understand the difficulty of you arranging to leave the company with respect to time?

 

BTW, I liked your comparison on gold and silver. I thought I was gold at home, but wasn't quite viewed that way. For now, I'm settling on silver even though MM makes me feel like gold at times.

[Triarge]

Thankyou LJ for your post, I'm flattered by your comments and it gave me a real boost

 

I know I'm not any where near out of the woods yet but each day is getting easier. You cant imagine how much it's helped me come here and be able to talk you guys & gals. I dont really have anyone else that I'd be comfortable sharing these things with.

 

I'm thinking, hey... here's a Golden Opportunity to start practicing your rebuff of her overtures. Say, for example, you had responded, "Well, I hope you didn't pay too much"... and then beat feet out of the kitchenette.

 

Damn! Like that retort; wish I'd had that one loaded, cocked and ready

 

Like you say, until I can be 100% NC its going to be hard and i know she 'will' keep on letting me know shes still there. It's like she thinks I'm temporarily away on some sort of sabbatical to work on my marriage and I'll be back in the end.

 

I'm just banking on her not waiting around forever. How long is she likely to wait before she gives up and moves on? <shrug>

[Triarge]

Thanks WWIU

 

Any reaction you give her is going to edge her on. You are aware of this, right?

 

Absolutely. I know I got suckered into that one. She knows Im curious about stuff like that and I played into her hand i know.

 

And that is why I keep telling you, it's time to look for another job as it's impossible for you to follow NC with the OW. She intrigues you which makes you feel something again.

 

I advocate NC. My situation is living proof as to why NC needs to be applied. Unfortunately, leaving work here *still* isnt a short term option. I'm asking for help in a situation where NC is *not* possible. There are bound to be times where people cant follow the cookie-cutter NC game plan, and in my case, this is one of them.

 

I should explain something here...

 

Prior to the affair for about 2 yrs I knew my wife was lying about something. I didnt know what at the time. There was a instances where I knew something was wrong.

 

About half way into my affair she left me a note on our bed. When I picked it up I was certain that it was her leaving me for another man. It wasnt. She had racked up a huge debt. She'd been seeing a coucellor for months regarding this. It explained everything and she explained that she couldnt tell me because she thought I would leave her. (She has done similar things with money in the past). The letter was her councellors advice.

 

Oddly I wasnt that angry and was quite releived it wasnt what I thought it was. And anyway, how could I comment concidering what I was doing.

 

My point is that even though I have a very good job, we are heavily in debt and close to the limit. I wont bore you with the details as to why I cant change jobs so easily but I'll say that it would be very hard to get any where near the same salary without moving the whole family elsewhere.

 

My wife acknowleges how hard it would be for me to move jobs. She seems comfortable now with me working here and knows that I am retraining to a different field so I can 'eventually' move. If my wife can deal with it then its just down to me and the OW. Thats what I have to contend with and come out good.

[Triarge]

Thanks for your posts michaelk..

 

I've read your other posts under Mattym and they made alot of sense.

 

I doubt he believes they're harmless. I'm sure they give him a thrill with the notion that she still wants him, and the possibility that her prediction of them being together may come true. Somewhere inside, he knows he's being tugged at, realizes it's distracting him and probably even likes it to some degree.

 

If I'm 100% honest then your right. DESPITE my resolve then yes there are hidden parts of my mind that do want to know she still wants me. Ego? or is it just not that easy to drop all feelings for someone; despite how wrong it is.

 

Your right michael, it is my goal and thats the path im following. I'm gaining emotional distance and thats how well I guage how well I'm doing. There are getting to be more and more situations where previously I would think of 'her' where I dont anymore. Songs. Seeing her car. etc.. There used to be hundreds of 'triggers'; These are getting fewer and fewer because I'm no longer reinforcing them so much.

 

Thanks.

[Triarge]

Did you answer the question on this thread regarding your W knowing you work with the exOW?

 

yes WhiteFlower she does

 

If she knows, how is she handling it? Does she understand the difficulty of you arranging to leave the company with respect to time?

 

I think she's handling it 'OK' She asks if I've seen her from time to time. I think she guages our relationships health status based on how I'm with her. She knows when things are good and she knows when things are bad based on how I was during the affair.

 

BTW, I liked your comparison on gold and silver. I thought I was gold at home, but wasn't quite viewed that way. For now, I'm settling on silver even though MM makes me feel like gold at times.

 

I guess its easy to forget you have gold at home if you also forget you have to polish it too; as such it becomes tarnished .