he gets me same gifts he got ex

[kikiD]

Yesterday my bf purchased a Coach bag for my upcoming birthday. My problem you ask? I have never once indicated my desire for a designer purse, let alone a Coach purse! Yet, I do know that he has purchased a couple of these for his ex-girlfriend. Men are kind of dumb - it's no surprise he believes that if one woman likes something, all women like the same thing. Anyway, today, upon looking at pictures on his ex's myspace page (this is another topic in itself as I am totally obsessed with looking at his ex's pages), I notice it is the EXACT same Coach bag he got her. Not to mention it is one of the guadiest I've ever seen from Coach. Definitely not something I'd pick out for myself.

 

There have been other indications that he would like to get me this-or-that and I know darn well these are things he got for his ex. He knows I'm not a very materialistic person and I've told him before that it's hard for me, a single mom, to justify owning such an expensive "extra" when sometimes it's hard just to keep the bills paid up on time. His ex was a very materialistic person and although not demanding of such extravagance, definitely expected it. Mostly she was just brought up that way. I'm totally different. I'm just not sure how to deal with this!

[Lauriebell82]

Most men I know don't really enjoy shopping for their gf's for gifts. I think my bf actually dreads it and has me write out a list for him of things I'd want for Christmas, b-day, v-day, ect. Maybe you could write out a list of things for your bf so then he wouldn't get you something he got his ex.

 

Also, I know you know that checking his ex's myspace page is just torturing yourself. You should just let that go, I mean he's with you, not her. Maybe you could tell your bf to get you something you'd really like, hence the list. Men can be dumb, as you already know, and don't ever get hints. Tell him what you want!!!

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Sounds like he wants you to remind him of the ex. That was freaky.

 

No wonder you are obsessed with her myspace.

 

Ariadne

[MR2Aaron]

So, you're offended that he got you the same thing he got an ex and you feel slighted that he didn't come up with an original gift idea for you? Or you're offended that he got you something expensive that he thought was nice, and you just don't like it?

 

Either way, you can continue looking your gift horse in the mouth, or you can accept that this man cares enough about you to buy you an expensive gift that at least he thinks is nice. If you just don't like this particular one, you could always ask if you can exchange it for one that would go better with more of your clothes. I would not be offended if you just didn't like the color of something I had picked out (or wanted a different model or something), but I'd be seriously put off if you told me "No, this gift isn't good enough because I snooped around and found out you gave one just like this to an ex girlfriend. I demand a new gift idea that is not tainted by having been used on past girlfriends."

[kikiD]

MR2Aaron - I see your point. I don't generally "look the gift horse in the mouth". I'm not really that sort of person. And we already discussed the fact that he has purchased this item for his ex. You're right, he does think it's nice. Sometimes I think he would like me to be more of a (for lack of a better term) "label-whore". I think some of the lifestyle she led has definitely rubbed off on him whereas he enjoys wearing tell-tale labeled clothing. The problem is - there's so little of it. I may have inexpensive, and down right cheap clothing, but I have enough of it where I feel versatile. Okay, - this is definitely off the subject. He knows I snoop - he does it too - we deal with that issue between us.

 

His comment was that it would go with anything I wore (as it is a patchwork/multicolor design) so the issue of it just not matching many of my clothes isn't going to fly. I don't know, I guess I really would like him to have an original idea for me. Am I asking too much?

[norajane]

Many guys have no imagination when it comes to gifts - even the smartest guy can get brain-freeze.

 

Best thing to do is start telling him the kinds of things you like and what you would like as a gift. It might not sound so romantic or whatever, but believe me, it took his ex a loooong time to train him on what type of gifts she likes and I'm sure it required a lot of pointing things out in catalogs and stores.

 

So, don't be shy...make it easy on him and tell him what you like.

[pollywag]

DANG!! I'll take the Coach bag if you don't want it. My bag consists a of stick with an old bedsheet tied to the end of it to carry my stuff in. Men like to make the women they love happy, seeing their face light up with pleasure when they do something well is very rewarding for them. They are very much like us dogs, sorry men don't mean any disrespect... hear out the analogy before you bark back at me... they do something that produces a positive reaction and they will repeat the action hoping to achieve the same reaction every time. But unless you tell him that for you this action does not make you happy then he thinks he is doing a great job and will continue on his path. Tell him in a very nice and loving way way what you told us about how you prefer less extravagant gifts. If after you let him know how you feel he persists with the ex-gifts it can only mean one thing: he wants you to be just like his ex.

[latefragment]

I'd feel a bit hurt too, that he somehow just thinks that what worked for her worked for you - I understand totally where you're coming from. You are doing well in that you're not getting upset about it, just a little miffed. I'd actually be offended. It's a tough choice about what exactly to do about it... your options are to say nothing, say something, or start hinting at other stuff... I don't know - it's a tough choice all around!

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

Under normal circumstances I'd say that he adores her to get her such an expensive item etc.

 

But then, that label has hundreds of bags, he could have gotten her one in a different color or a slighlty different style.

 

But the fact that: it is the EXACT same Coach bag he got her

 

is weird.

 

Together with: There have been other indications that he would like to get me this-or-that and I know darn well these are things he got for his ex.

 

Is strange too.

 

Plus, when you are with someone and you are happy and secure in the relationship, you don't become: totally obsessed with looking at his ex's pages

 

Yes, you may have some curiosity every once in a while, but is more like, whatever.

 

The first impression I get is that he wants her to remind him of the ex.

 

The only other explanation to this is that he wants her to be no less than the ex, so he is getting her the same stuff. But that was not my first impression.

 

Still, the guy is with you now and is trying, so, don't worry about it too much.

 

Ariadne

[kikiD]

you know, i guess i shouldn't really worry too much. it's a purse. we've gotten into a few "discussions" about it and i'm kind of tired of beating it to death. he's a good guy and i know he wants to make me happy. i think he is well aware of my inability to ever purchase such an item for myself, let alone ask for it as a gift. i don't know. i guess in the grand scheme of things, it's just a freakin purse! thanks everyone.

[Lizzie60]

Maybe it's a purse she threw in his face when they split... and he's passing it to you...

 

If that's the only thing he got you that he already got her, I would bet it's the same purse.

[kikiD]

although quite a funny scenario - i know this isn't the case, or, uh, purse as it may be! they had a somewhat amicable split although he's the only one that returned gifts. she kept the jewelry, the purses, even THE ring. the only thing that irks me is that she kept the kayak. yeah, that really pisses me off!