narcoleptic Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Im 50 my second marriage. He lives in westchester i in queens. When we married I was working. Due to my disability of narcolepsy, I can no longer work. I cannot drive. Im terribly unhappy have tried for 7 years to make my move work, but the isolation is getting to me. I recently went back to queens where i was happy, got my independence back, can walk to stores, shop, dont need a car. Yet I do love my husband, however he wont relocate, the drive would be 80 miles a day, where now he is only 5 minutes from work. I thought of trying to live one week in queens, the other in croton and this is my first week back here and im so bored and lonely. I have tried volunteer work, but everything is so far away not in walking distance. Its only been the first 2 days back in croton and still i feel that i belong in queens. Should I make a go of it. He is basically good to me, although the past 5 years i have suffered devastating illness, bleeding in the brain occipital neuralgia. I just wanted to be loved and tried so hard to live up here, but now im so confused. My 2 sisters have passed on youndg and my parents are sick and old. When I was down in queens for the 8 weeks, I washappy yet missed him. My md says many marriages work part time, and I should try hard to make it work. What should I do.
amaysngrace Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I think it's sad that he is your whole world. Your life revolves around him but does he reciprocate? Or only take? You really were unclear about that to me.
LakesideDream Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Second marriages (for both of you?) have different dynamic's when they occur later in life. There are no shared children, both of you bring complete lives to the table when you marry late. You have a serious disability, how supportive is your husband of your disability? His attitude toward your condition should show you a lot about his character. I would imagine that there are not to many men who willingly stay in second marriages with a partner who is fighting a condition like yours. Frankly it's understandable that your husband is not willing to commute many hours a day to maintain his employment. It's not easy for 50+ folks to just pick up and change jobs either. You must have know where he lived, and what he did for a living before marrying him. Is it fair that he be asked to dismantle his life and livelyhood to accomodate you? It's also understandable that you feel lost living in the suburbs. At 57 years old I fully understand your feelings about losing friends, and family.. and the "ill elders" situation. In my mind, I suggest that you take a long and critical look at your situation. Is a "mate", and the comfort of knowing that you are loved and cared for less important to you than having the comfort of living in your old home Queens? What are your prospects of initiating yet another relationship if you allow your current one to fall by the wayside? Yours is a difficut situation. Have you given any consideration to what effects your possible actions will have on your current husband?
Author narcoleptic Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 I guess being very ill these past 7 years with bleeding in the brain, now im facing knee surgery. He hada mild heartattack in dec. of last year and told me he just lost it. I love him and he me but the isolation living in the country not being able to drive has just left me so depressed. When we met i was working part time so would spend 4 days in queens 3 in croton and i was happy the best of both worlds, but then i got sick and now cant work maybe no more than a day or 2 per month. Yet having a sleeping disorder i fought hard for my independence and when im in queens i feel like i have back my independence. I did want him to move to queens, but i know he would be unhappy and i love him too much to see him miserable yet on the other hand i say i tried so hard gave up everything to move to westchester and tried, he drives why cant he just say i will move. He was very supportive the first 5 years of our marriage, now hes ust tired of all my illnesses and i feel as if he thinks i ask for this. I dont think he realized the narcolepsy, sleeping disorder i have gets haywired when i get something else wrong. In queens i can ask a neighbor to go to the store for me, in croton there is not a neighbor in the building. Part of me wants to pack up again and go back to queens, the other part wants to try and see maybe after the knee surgery i can try to find work in queens so i will spend one weekup in croton one in queens, he says he is fine with that arrangement . M doctor says it might be better for the both of us,less stress for him when im ill. I never thought of me not working part time, but then became really sick. I guess we both sort of went in with our eyes closed . After 7 years, its been rough but our love saw us through, but now i jjust cant take the isolation living up here. Yet i dont want to hurt him. Im scheduled for knee surgery on wednesday and will stay up in westchester for a week then back to queens. At lest in queens there are people to help me in croton i must rely only on him, and i feel its not fair. i just dont know what to do. should i just realize our lives have changed. He tells me he rather have me even 2 days a week then no days, but thats not a marriage.
amaysngrace Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I think you both are doing very well considering the circumstances. No, two days a week is not a typical marriage but it's still a marriage. A unique one. And it must be very strong for it to have lasted all these years. Who is going to help you after your surgery? Do you have friends or neighbors who can help you out? Best of luck on Wednesday and best wishes for a speedy recovery. Like Lakeside said, yours is a difficult arrangement. But I think that seeing how you've gotten through it all these years, well that is amazing. I'm sorry I don't really have much advice to offer. But I do wish you the very best. XO
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