I am so lost

[amaysngrace]

I am sorry for your pain. And I hope that your daughter is yours, but if by chance she isn't, I hope you still remain her father as you are all she knows..

 

Not me. If the kid wasn't mine I'd buy a one-way ticket to a tropical climate and forget about it.

[heftysmurf]

My daughter 2 and a half years old. I believe she is mine. She looks like me and calls me daddy. I will always be their for her if she is mine or not. I never had such joy as when she was born.

I will get a paternity test. My wife said she is mine but what do I believe anymore???

If she is mine and I believe and hope and pray she is.

That is my paramount concern.

If she is not mine I am so done with this that their is no decision. I am out.

And the one post got me thinking the last five years of my life are corrupted.

Just some more details. My a#@h%le friend only married his wife when he knocked her up. He did the right thing their and ganked me.

[heftysmurf]

I have asked her to stay at a hotel for a week while I figure out my thoughts. The whole issue with my daughter is killing me. She is beyond a doubt the most wonderful thing but can I deal with this pain?

 

Has anybody been in a similiar situation and stayed? I do not know if I can do it.

 

What changed after staying or going?

 

If you stayed did you leave eventually anyways?

 

Is it worth counseling? Can it help get past this?

 

Has anybody kinda ended the marriage but cohabitated for the kids sake?

 

What effect will this have on my daughter?

 

What is the typical result of a divorce in this case?

 

I do not expect answers to all or any of this but any insight would be most helpful.

 

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN

[whichwayisup]

Yes, it's worth going to counselling, so please go. Worry about the rest later, in the sense of talking to a lawyer, divorce and custody arrangements. One step at a time, and right now your daughter needs YOU to be at your best so talking to someone will help you cope with all that is going on.

 

Good that your wife is out of the house for a while. Let's hope she uses this time to seek counselling herself AND doesn't go running to the OM.

[heftysmurf]

That is done (NC) and it is one of the few things I believe. She knows she is totally on my s@#t list right now (obiously). The plan right now is her to say their come in the morning and stay till she goes to work.

I wish I knew what to do. I want to move on with my life even though it is merely a shell of what it was.

[heftysmurf]

That is done (NC) and it is one of the few things I believe. She knows she is totally on my s@#t list right now (obviously). The plan right now is her to say their come in the morning and stay till she goes to work.

I wish I knew what to do. I want to move on with my life even though it is merely a shell of what it was.

[In Like Flynn]

"She states on the sex angle I was not passionate enough."

 

So her solution to finding passion is to perform oral sex on the OM for three years then intercourse for the final two???? WOW!!! Thats passion!!!!

[White Flower]

Hi Hefty,

 

There are a lot of angry, judgemental people on this thread, and while I know they are angry for you, some want to rush you into a quick decision.

 

Yeah, sure, talk to a lawyer and let your wife know about it. You don't have to be mean about it, though. Just tell her you're checking all bases. But, you only just found out. Make an appointment for some marriage counceling and do not miss one appointment until you have a grip on what you want to do. You sound like a caring guy. Try to figure out if you have problems that can be ironed out before jumping into any decisions.

 

I must say, though, 5 years seems like an awful lot of time for it not to be emotional. Best of luck to you.

[White Flower]

... in secret.

Writing that hurt.

 

God, Hefty, hang in there.

[heftysmurf]

Thank you all again this is helping a lot.

I am still probably no right and may never be but everything is crazy in my mind right now. I do not know if I can ever get over the images in my head.

I wish my daughter was not a victim in this. Can you ever get over this level of betrayl?

[amaysngrace]

Can you ever get over this level of betrayl?

 

I guess that would depend on your level of forgiveness...

[amaysngrace]

There are a lot of angry, judgemental people on this thread, and while I know they are angry for you, some want to rush you into a quick decision.

 

 

Open minds see things from all angles. It's good to have different POVs when getting advice, isn't it?

 

Of course most people don't think of their own opinion as gospel. Most know that hefty will do just as hefty wishes. Which he should.

 

Considering his wife is a lying bitch!

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

.. is that baby even yours?

UGH. That was my first thought, as well.

[norajane]

You guys are helping me. I am not in the uncontrolled rage stage now. I swabbed my daughter last night for a paternity test. I have to find a way to stop chain smoking long enough to swap myself. This will likely be my last smoke for two hours to have a clean swab.

She states it was only the last two years the had intercourse. She was performing felatio on him in secret.

Writing that hurt.

 

Why on earth do you believe anything your wife tells you at this point? I really wouldn't take anything she says on faith. How likely is it that she gave only blowjobs for 3 years, and then suddenly they started having intercourse? If she claims it was 'just sex' and the sex at home with you wasn't 'passionate' then you can bet she was having sex with him the whole time.

 

Since she stayed married to you the whole time she was cheating, there's a reason she stayed. Since she's selfish enough to have been screwing your best friend for a majority of your marriage, her reasons for staying must be selfish.

 

So think about that: what does she get by staying married to you that she wouldn't otherwise? Money? Does she have a job, or do you support her? A nice home? Nice car? Status?

 

I'm very, very sorry this has been going on. What your wife and your best friend did is completely inexcusable.

 

Please, talk to a lawyer. Even if you decide to stay with her (which, IMO, would be a foolish thing for you to do), talk to a divorce lawyer so you fully understand your rights and responsibilities. What you do now can impact how the courts see your case and your future custody of this child.

 

I'm glad you are testing for paternity. You need to be fully informed of what's really going on here, and how to best protect that little girl.

[Ladyjane14]

Please, talk to a lawyer. Even if you decide to stay with her (which, IMO, would be a foolish thing for you to do), talk to a divorce lawyer so you fully understand your rights and responsibilities. What you do now can impact how the courts see your case and your future custody of this child.

 

You need to read that part TWICE, so I'm reprinting it for you.

 

Remember... you don't HAVE to make any big decisions until you're ready. Covering your bases is plenty good enough. She's had 5 years with this. Remain noncommittal. Get informed on your legal rights. And take some time to absorb the shock before you proceed in any direction.

 

That's about as much as you need to tackle right now.

[heftysmurf]

I guess I am REALLY MESSED UP. I just worry about my daughter in this whole thing. I became a true parent and selfless. Mind you she did not care.

Just to fill in some details.

We own a house for two and a half years.

She has a real good part time job and works nights.

I have a full time job days.

I do not know if I can afford the house if we separate and it is what my daughter (i pray) has known her whole life.

I just cannot beieve how much help the forum is. Thanks to all!

[blindsidedagain]

Dear Heftysmurf,

 

I deeply feel your pain.

I learned about my girls affair 2.5 weeks ago.

We have been together for 22 years.

She was having an affair for 6 months with a co-worker.

She is 39, I am 43, and her lover is 53!

I was completely devestated and am not sure what the future holds.

I felt like I was going insane in the last few weeks.

I went to several doctors who have given me tranquilizers.

I have been out of work since the day I found out and she quit her job!!!

 

Talk to your friends who have gone through the same thing.

It is a great help.

If you have no one to call, let me know, and we can talk.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[blindsidedagain]

Dear Heftysmurf,

 

I deeply feel your pain.

I learned about my girls affair 2.5 weeks ago.

We have been together for 22 years.

She was having an affair for 6 months with a co-worker.

She is 39, I am 43, and her lover is 53!

I was completely devestated and am not sure what the future holds.

I felt like I was going insane in the last few weeks.

I went to several doctors who have given me tranquilizers.

I have been out of work since the day I found out and she quit her job!!!

 

Talk to your friends who have gone through the same thing.

It is a great help.

If you have no one to call, let me know, and we can talk.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

PS- As a bonus, I discovered 10 really raunchy sex letters from her lover

[4whatItsWorth]

I do not know if I can afford the house if we separate and it is what my daughter (i pray) has known her whole life.

 

Alright, seriously, why do parents think that a HOUSE is so damn precious to a child? A house doesn't make a home - the environment does! My dad cheated on my mom since I was 16 (am 21 now) and he wanted to keep the damn house. Neither my brother nor I cared about the house whatsoever...the house didn't make our "family". I don't call that home. That was only a house. My home is my country. My home is my city. My home is MY identity.

 

Please, your wife cheated on you for FIVE years. So many years of lies, deceit...she didn't care about you nor your daughter. Please, don't throw your life and happiness away for a woman who is worth nothing. File for full custody, find a woman who can remain FAITHFUL and forget all about your ignorant wife.

 

As a woman, trust me on this, cheating for five years? Then her heart is made of stone, and baby, you're just too blind to see...

 

There's plenty more fish in the sea!

[LifesontheUp]

Marriages can, and often do, heal after infidelity. That said, why on earth would you even want to 'get back to where you were'??? Apparently, "where you were" was being cheated on for nearly the entirety of your marriage.

 

My suggestion to you would be to take some time to absorb all this. Remain noncommittal for a few weeks. The knee-jerk reaction when an infidelity is discovered is to jump in a "fix" it. But... sometimes when you step back and evaluate the situation, what you might find is that you don't really WANT to.

 

From here, she looks like a pretty cold person. Someone who can look into the face of her husband *and* her best friend, and then lie her ass off... well, it sounds to me like she needs to do some work on herself before she'll be worth a sh*t to anybody.

 

Give yourself some time to think things through. Don't let you WW (wayward wife) rush you on this. Just tell her that you're not prepared to make a life-altering decision yet. Good grief! .. if she can spend FIVE YEARS making her choices, surely she can sit her ass down and wait for a few weeks on yours.

 

This is excellent advice. You will be in so much upheaval at the moment that it really is best to give your self some good long thinking time.

 

When my ex husband had an affair this is the advice a very dear friend gave to me and I can't stress how right she was. I was in no fit state to really work out what I wanted in the beginning.

 

I think you may be sorry if you rush this decision and accept what she is saying on face value. This woman has a long history of lies to you, your daughter and her best friend. She is also compounding the lies by telling you it was only oral for the first 3 years??!!?? Oh come on, she really expects you to believe that. Lets be fair she's a very accomplished liar, she's been doing it for the last 5 years.

 

Oh and I don't believe they'll go NC either, sorry. This is a long affair and not something that'll be given up easily.

 

I really am sorry you're going through this, its hard, I know I've been there. Just take your time and look out for yourself and your daughter. Your wife can look after herself.....just like she has been the last 5 years

[BetrayedMM]

Yes, she's lying about the oral sex for sure. My wife tried to 'minimize' and modify things with her 1st A, and is in the process of doing the same with the recent one. First 'just friends', then 'it only happened once',(she hasn't gotten to that stage with the recent one) then 'well, it was twice', etc, etc.

 

think about it- What would she get outta giving BJs for 3 years? THAT is what she considers 'passion' from a man? Bah!

[outofdarkness]

Why on earth do you believe anything your wife tells you at this point? I really wouldn't take anything she says on faith. How likely is it that she gave only blowjobs for 3 years, and then suddenly they started having intercourse? If she claims it was 'just sex' and the sex at home with you wasn't 'passionate' then you can bet she was having sex with him the whole time.

 

Since she stayed married to you the whole time she was cheating, there's a reason she stayed. Since she's selfish enough to have been screwing your best friend for a majority of your marriage, her reasons for staying must be selfish.

 

So think about that: what does she get by staying married to you that she wouldn't otherwise? Money? Does she have a job, or do you support her? A nice home? Nice car? Status?

 

I'm very, very sorry this has been going on. What your wife and your best friend did is completely inexcusable.

 

Please, talk to a lawyer. Even if you decide to stay with her (which, IMO, would be a foolish thing for you to do), talk to a divorce lawyer so you fully understand your rights and responsibilities. What you do now can impact how the courts see your case and your future custody of this child.

 

I'm glad you are testing for paternity. You need to be fully informed of what's really going on here, and how to best protect that little girl.

OMG!!! I didn't re read everything, but the part about the oral sex did catch my eye. My H, to this day, even 4 years after D day, will say that he "only" had oral sex w/ his OW's. One for 10 years!!! LOL!!! Guess it's his way of internally coping w/ what he did all that time. He STILL has a circle shaped indentation on his wallet where he carried a condom around at all times. Now, it's where he puts his sobriety chip...

[In mourning]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You have just boarded the worst rollercoaster ride you possibly will ever experienced in your life. For me it started 2years 2mths ago. The ups and downs are devestating. Somedays you feel like your love can conquer the world, other days your so broken it's hard enought just to find the will to get out of bed. I wanted to give you some encouragement, your first post was asking if it's possible to make it through an A. It's been two years since I discovered fwh A. We are still together, and our marriage is much stronger than it was prior to d-day. We have worked hard to get to where we are today. He is remorseful and has had NC since d-day. I started a journal wrote down my anger, saddness, feelings of despare. This helped me over time to see my own developement and at times I couldn't talk to him about somethings and he was able to read for himself. It is important that you tell her no matter how devistating it may be to you to hear, you need her to be completely honest and to answer your questions to the fullest of her ability. Do not take I don't remember or any excuses from her. This I feel is the most important first step to recovery. At the time of fwh's A we didn't have the money to invest in MC so we worked extra hard trying our best to rebuild our M by reading books and working on communication skills. It has been an incredible battle, I still have ups and downs, but now I'm able to push thoses thoughts out when there not welcome. Just remember nothing has to be decided today. You do have a daughter so no matter what your decision will be in the end the two of you will still have to overcome this to raise your daughter.

[whydoesithavetohurt]

All I ask is that you read this post and take it for what it's worth. I found out my husband was cheating on my with my best friend for almost 3 years and I was completely lost. I didn't know which was was up, I didn't know what to believe, how to feel, what to trust. I couldn't even trust my own emotions at the time. My instincts didn't get me very far throughout our marriage until that point. My husband loved me. He sought some of the things that were missing in our relationship and got them with her. It's wrong, and it's horrible, but that was all it was. He wasn't in love with her, he didn't have a family with her, he didn't take care of her when she was sick, he didn't spend holidays with her and her family. He did all of those things with me. I couldn't see all of this when I first discovered the infidelity. It took some time to realize that he really did love me and yes, even when you love someone, you are capable of hurting them worse than you could have ever imagined. It doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it ok. But if you truly love her, I think you owe it to what you had, what you worked so hard to build, to the relationship, and most importantly, to your daughter to try to heal and re-build. You can get through this, you personally. And so can your family unit. It will take time, it will be painful. There may be times when you question why you're going through all of this to repair something that seems irreparable. All I can tell you is that the smartest thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is to not make any decisions yet. Let the smoke clear and the dust settle, and things will be more clear to you then. When I went through this, there were so many people telling me to get rid of him, to kick him out. ONE PERSON told me to wait, to not make any decisions until the shock wore off, and I had the opportunity to think things through, to see a counselor, etc. I have never regretted taking that advice. I made the best decision possible for myself and our three kids and for him too. We have moved past it, we have re-established the foundation for a healthy marriage. Our communication is better than it ever was, and we are happier than we ever were. It's been a long road, but marriage counseling was our map. I would strongly suggest that you seek counseling right away, and the two of you really should see a marriage counselor. Even if you're not sure that you want to try to make it work, because those sessions could really help you to determine what you want. I hope whatever decision you make is what's best for you and your daughter in the long run, and that you are happy. So many people on here are so miserable and so quick to judge and to tell you what to do. I have to say that it seems that the people who are telling you just to get rid of her are the most angry and bitter ones of all. Maybe they regret their decisions to get rid of their unfaithful partners and that's why they're so unhappy still. I don't know, just an observation. So, hefty, if you ever need to talk, I'll be here. Just remember, there's no time limit on when you need to make a decision by. And there is no right or wrong decision. There is only the decision that is right for YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER. If the two of you still love each other, you would be doing your child an injustice by not trying to work through this. Kids deserve to have two loving parents who love each other, even if they have made terrible mistakes. God knows, there aren't many kids who have that these days. So don't jump to any decisions too quickly and try to think of how you felt about her before all of this. Don't decide based on how you're feeling now. One more thing to think about...I let my husband stay at the house when this all happened, for the kids mostly, or so I thought. Is your wife staying with you still? For me, it helped tremendously. Of course, we were able to avoid the fighting and tension for the most part. I wanted the kids' lives to be business as usual, at least until I was sure of what I was going to do. It was the best thing I could have done for all us. Having him here was hard at times, I didn't want to look at him. But I also wanted him here, wanted to know that he still loved me. It really helped me heal. It's a very personal decision, obviously. Do what you think is best. Take your time.

 

You will be in my prayers, all of you.

[4whatItsWorth]

So many people on here are so miserable and so quick to judge and to tell you what to do. I have to say that it seems that the people who are telling you just to get rid of her are the most angry and bitter ones of all. Maybe they regret their decisions to get rid of their unfaithful partners and that's why they're so unhappy still. I don't know, just an observation.

 

I'd just like to point out, that I think most of us tell him to leave her because she did have an affair, that was only for sex, and that she couldn't care less about her H to finish it off and work on her problems with him instead of with his best friend. Dobule betrayal, she cheated on HER best friend's H.

 

I don't know about you, but I equal cheating with having no respect for their SO feelings. I haven't been cheated on, but I have cheated. And *I* sure as hell wouldn't give a cheater a second chance...because I know there aren't really any excuses for cheating.