The train stopped, let me off as I watch her drive away. She is happy i departed...

[doorknob123]

The end of all of it just seemed like everything was falling apart. She wasn’t enthusiastic anymore; I didn’t notice it as much as I wanted to. I always told her that I loved her but eventually I guess it all went stale. Her friends accepted me as a more of a civil relationship rather as being part of their group. I just couldn’t fit in as hard as I tried. I tried to be honest; I tried to meet her needs, even though I felt like I brushed too many things off. I took a big hit to my ego when she ended it because of how hard I always tried harder than her. I felt like the whole last year of our relationship was a lie. She put no effort into our physical relationship anymore except when she was drunk. She obviously didn’t feel compelled unless she needed it. She was always selfish. As much as I could defend her honest ways, I can honestly say that she was so selfish that she never thought of other people’s points of view. Especially mine. She had higher respect for many other people before me, and it really showed in the end. 3.5 years of my life, down the ****ing drain. I became a more honest person, I learned a lot but one thing that bothers me now is that I get so lonely that the only thing that even gets close to easing my loneliness is having that…sensation of someone to be with me, to be… a part of me. The idea of being with her again gives me that sensation and it makes me sick. I miss that feeling, not her, I really do. I love being single, being able to do what I want but I’m not living for anybody, I’m lonely. Every relationship or girl I have pursued has stopped liking me. Are my methods wrong? Just because I put in even a little effort, does it make me look desperate? And i really dont sugar coat it, I put in enough effort to not seem desperate. I hate it when people ****ing play games, and everyone else loves playing them. Making someone chase after someone, I’m tired of chasing. And I don’t have the patience or the heart to **** with someone’s mind enough to make them come after me. Why bother? If the first premise of a relationship starts out with an imbalance, where does it ****ing end up?! With an imbalance. Why does imperfection coax people into obsession? Why do I seem so different from everyone I’ve ever met? Why do I need to write a letter to myself to analyze myself? Why do I need to continue to sort myself out after the relationship ended so long ago? I need ****ing closure. I need to vent my opinion for once and for all. Someone needs to know how I ****ing feel and I have a feeling who I want to tell it to, Her. But is it the right thing, getting her involved with my obviously messed up state of mind? Seeing her so ****ing happy with her friends makes me sick. Just to think that her happiness once depended on my persistent effort to ****ing please her, and seeing her smile was like a ****ing gun to my head, throwing all that effort, all those promises, all the things I went through, right into my ****ing face. Am I right to tell her how I feel about her? Even though we talk regularly? Is there another way to move on? Someone help me, ive been in and out of minor relationships, they’re all fruitless with little or no companionship. I’m lonely and I don’t have anything to do with myself. I work, I go to college, I play music, I work on computers, and yet I still find time to dwell on my problems. I wish I had someone to be close to, its been too long and it’s too hard thinking of the girl who I thought id marry, thinking of her being happy with these undeserving *******s who don’t appreciate her. I don’t anymore, but I did when it mattered. That’s why the whole concept of imbalance totally escapes me. This was an hour long rant just pouring out my emotions onto paper. My first time, and hopefully my last. The anonymity of the internet is something that is really underappreciated. This forum seems so supportive of it's members, i had to join. Thanks for your time and have a good day!

[MotoMan]

The circumstances of your breakup are unclear, but it sounds like she's happy with the change, and you're still coping with the loss. That's ok, you need time to process it. That said, there seemed to be a recurrent theme in that you wanted her to be dependant on you, to need you. You don't want to think that she can be happy without you (as you're not happy without her, yet).

 

Life is a giant filter. Let those people who play games with you filter out of your life, and attract the kind of woman you want by being the kind of man she would want, dependable, a man of his word, a man who comes up with new innovative ways to encourage happy fulfilling experiences for you both (notice I didn't say "make her happy", you can't "make" anyone happy, they're responsible for their own happiness, as are you). Work on yourself first, pay attention to your health, your goals, your talents. As you do, you'll notice a shift in your attitude, and you'll notice you're attracting similar people into your life.

 

It's hard at the beginning, cut yourself some slack, and relax. Trust yourself. Take things one day at a time