Yet another sad story just to vent

November 5, 2007

Hey all,

I've been lurking for about a week now. Ended a 9 year relationship 4 months ago. Well- he did- but I had pondered it for awhile but knew I couldn't go thru with it because I'd feel this way.

Here we go (and this is the short version of the story seriously!): we got together way back- totally unplanned. Were friends previous for a short period of time. Both of us sort of thought afterwards that maybe we could try a relationship. But occasionally he seemed unsure about the concept of us or had what I thought was a lack of emotional maturity (wasn't comfortable with showing emotions or that he cared for me more than a good friend). He was 21, I was 23 I believe. But we tripped thru it all and only split after about 3 years time. This lasted for a couple months. He came back because we couldn't seem to stay away from each other- the emotions and our connection was just too strong. The typical "he missed me I missed him, let's try it again blah blah blah". My friend who had been "consoling me" during that period had slept with him as she was his roommate at the time. Convenience only- they had tried dating years before but it didn't really work for them- no attraction. This time round, he wasn't interested in her nor she in him. Sex only and I do believe that. She had the gall to email me to apologize once I had found out (she told another friend who told me...what a dumb-ss). Whatever happened to basic respect and decency? Never really spoke to her since and I've been fine with it. It was a total betrayal on her part and I actually took that much worse than the fact that HE had slept with someone so quickly after our split. Don't get me wrong, I was so angry with him too but when I knew that I almost did the same thing with my roommate at the time, I couldn't really be a hypocrite. We talked a lot about what had happened and eventually reunited. Split again in two more years- back together 3 months later. He had spoken to a lot of people at this time and realized he was so stupid to end things. He and I reunited and moved in together right away. Things were wonderful for a long time. I finally thought he had either matured past his "wondering what was out there" (during a breakup he had stated he always felt weird about not having as many sex partners as me or his friends) or just finally realized I was worth it. His parents considered us married; so did our friends. But our friends were always thinking he was rather aloof and felt that I deserved a bit more attention (he has gotten much better over the last few years but still has his limits). A few times I would tell him I felt as tho he was ignoring me at a party or disagreeing with me in front of friends which I found totally disrespectful. But then he would be so adorable and affectionate at other times. Despite these little bits showing their ugly head from our less-than-perfect past, we've had four solid years living together- bought a condo, travelled alot (with his job or otherwise) and generally assumed we were in each other's future. I was always in his plans. He always tried to make me happy- even if he wasn't so good at it sometimes as he was not so good at "getting the point" when I was upset over his occasional elusive behavior. These four years he had changed- if he knew I was upset, he would want us to talk it out, whereas earlier in the relationship I would have been the one to beg to talk over my frustrations with us. But it certainly wasn't all rose-petals. There was one night where he seemed to have a "quarter-life" crisis: we argued and he said he couldn't marry me. But the next day was if it had never happened. Still, that night lingered in my thoughts every so often but I was too scared to bring it up after that.

Fast forward to now. The last little while I admit hasn't been ideal- I've been trying to get into professional school for a few years now and the rejections were taking their toll on me recently and affecting my confidence in several ways- waning confidence with sports was beginning to become a big deal as this was our life together. But we have been through a lot together- great times and awful times. And made it through. Until now. I got into professional school and then he had a breakdown saying "I can't do this" after we discussed finances and student loans one evening. He has a very secure job and is very stable financially so this was sort of weird for me to witness. But I don't think it was the money issues at all- it was the "I can't marry you" bit rearing up again. We split and I'm pretty sure it has to be for good this time. I gained one dream but lost the other, more important one. Just my luck that I can't have both.

So, I've been trying to accept that this is for the best- that he never loved me enough to marry me and that I deserve much better (btw- he only said he loved my once during all 9 years- until after we broke up this time! He has since said he loves me a bunch of times. WTF?). I really do believe it is for the best but it doesn't make it ANY easier. I was doing OK around the 3.5 month mark and then I found out from someone I just met that he was dating someone. I got mad with him and said I couldn't believe he was already sleeping with someone (because we are in our 30s now and people don't just date anymore!!!!). Anyway, he eventually admitted to me that he had slept with someone at the 3.5 month mark but that it wasn't dating. He then told me who it was after I told him I was having too much trouble trying to trust my friends at a time when I need them most. It was a girl (sorry- she doesn't deserve to be called a woman) somewhere between a friend and an acquaintance of mine. She still should have had the decency to realize that was inappropriate. I know I know, we were split up and no wrong was done- and it was 3.5 months where most guys would not have lasted so long. But really, its about respect. And I feel that he has somehow betrayed our memory AND that he has taken something special between us and made it ordinary by sleeping with someone else so soon. Apparently she felt horrible when she knew I had found out- that she should have listened to her gut. Poor baby. Now she's scared of me. Serves her right. For my ex- again it was convenience. He doesn't meet women easily and they had played sports together a few times thru the summer when I wasn't able to. I know there was no cheating. That's about the only thing I can believe anymore. Anyway, I'm choosing not to confront her tho I often have these visions of me telling her that 1) I expected her to have a bit more decency considering we share the same (amazing) friends- and those friends deserve to have a more trustworthy and decent friend. (What is it with sex- do people just lose their minds?????#$%^@!!! I would never do this to someone I knew!!!) And 2) she should have realized that after 9 years together, emotions don't just disappear cold turkey and neither does the intimacy. I would LOVE to let her know that he and I have slept together off and on since this break up- including three days before she got with him!!! Betcha she doesn't know that!!! Apparently they had an agreement that it was sex only- no relationship. Or so he tells me. But I'm sure if the right qualities were there it could happen and it will someday soon with someone even if not with her.... He phoned her when he found out I knew and they agreed it was too complicated to continue like this. I don't trust him that its over because after all this why in the heck would I have trust anymore????

Anyway, here I am now. Totally struggling with the idea that he has moved on so quickly. Well, moved on is the wrong word for him apparently. He's only had sex with someone else- non emotional sex (which changes my opinion of him). If it was me to have sex with someone- that would mean I have moved on because I'm the typical emotional f$%ked up woman hung up on her ex and sleeping with someone else right now would be too difficult for me to even stomach. Though I must admit now that I know he's been with someone, I'm horny as ever:laugh: and ready to jump into bed with anyone just so long as I don't have to worry about starting another relationship. Any single guys out there wanting sex with no strings attached?????Ha!

Another complicating factor (and yes, you are welcome to roll your eyes as I deserve that)- we went for a walk the other night to discuss final "issues" or questions that I still had. We didn't stay to talk at either of our apartments because we always end up in bed. He wanted to know if I had just been out on a date before meeting up. I said he was digging- but that no, I had been at the gym (truth). I was sort of flattered he cared (he usually shows no signs of caring about something like this- and that riles me up SO MUCH!!!) We argued, we yelled, I got upset, he got upset. We laughed, we joked. We told each other stories about what each of our lawyers had said. We spoke of how weird it was that we were even talking to lawyers- because it was after all- "us"- we've been together so long, grown with each other, knew each and every little thing about each other, and shared so much together that it was just odd that we had been brought to this level. This "level" meaning legal stuff that only "other people" do. Both of us were just checking into our rights and protecting them should things with the other person go awry (read: I have entitlements that I'm not claiming because I don't really care at this point). Weird- but real life. We are no longer youngin's anymore. And no longer just breaking up- but divorcing from a common law relationship. Yikes!

Later that night, after some pretty intense discussion, we went up to my condo so that he could get some gear from me (pure habit I admit). We lingered and kissed but I told him I wasn't going to do that tonight. And I pushed him away reluctantly. We left on good terms (with him really resisting my pushing him away). There's no question love is still there on both of our parts (however- from his side I'm sure its mostly him being horny although he could get it from that girl if he really wanted it!!!!). Sigh.

I've just had too much over these past few months: moving out of my home, changing my career, losing the love of my life, finding out I have to have surgery, finding out my dad is ill...Frankly, just because I'm still standing in all this I feel that I'm kicking ass where most people may crumple into a ball and want to die (mind you, I've been there a couple times too).

I've considered anti-depressants- but no drugs have even affected me in the slightest. And I've tried since a week after the split just to give it a shot to assist in my coping with starting school. Even though I felt they were useless as they will not "fix" the relationship in any way. Starting the drugs- no side effects or change in my mindset. While on them, no change or side effects either. Stopping them, again no change. I've tried several at extremely high doses and nothing!!!! So much for the "magic" pill that should stop or at least decrease my obsessive relationship thoughts!!!! I even cut one cold turkey and NO EFFECTS!!! WTF???? But considering caffeine, pot, and morphine (in the hospital) never touched me, I guess this shouldn't really be a surprise.

I've also tried therapy. But though everything I've been told makes complete sense, my emotional brain overpowers my logical brain. I'm not pulling the wool over my eyes, I know what I need to do and I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing at times like these (keeping busy with school and friends and exercise blah blah blah). I really do think its just time that will get me thru this. But I'm so impatient and I miss him so much!!! I really wanted to marry him. But I can't go back to the way it was. I keep thinking maybe in a few years time...but that makes no logical sense whatsoever.

One last thing, I have a couple friends who are exhausted trying to give advice. Although I never wanted the advice- just a shoulder to lean on. One was extremely upset that I didn't trust her (tho she wasn't among the women friends I didn't trust when I was wondering who slept with my ex before he told me). If she only knew what that horrible feeling is like I'm sure she'd understand. The other has misconstrued things I've said in my upset that I'm concerned that she has told people extremely inaccurate things!!! Things are getting too complicated I just want to withdrawal. Friends complain I don't tell them enough- well, this is WHY!!!! Things are twisted so far from the truth that I'm not telling anyone anything anymore out of fear!!!

Any comments? I already no I'm a dumba-s overly emotional female- so for those of you who are about to post "just get over it already" need not waste their time!!! I already know that.

Hopefully at least one person got to the end of this!!!

Cheers

November 5, 2007

Going crazy here guys- any suggestions as to how I can deal with all this??? Hypnotherapy??

Shay

November 5, 2007

Hey Shayna

Just wanted to say i've read all your post and i really feel for you. I;m going through a similar break up now (5 yrs, i'd had doubts, but he pulled the plug in the end, flat to sell etc) and i just don;t think there is a magic way to fix it, if you find it, let me know! I reckon we've got to just hang in there and concentrate on how great (most of!) our friends are. I'm thinking of you, sorry i can't give more helpful advice.

November 5, 2007

Hey Shayna

Just wanted to say i've read all your post and i really feel for you. I;m going through a similar break up now (5 yrs, i'd had doubts, but he pulled the plug in the end, flat to sell etc) and i just don;t think there is a magic way to fix it, if you find it, let me know! I reckon we've got to just hang in there and concentrate on how great (most of!) our friends are. I'm thinking of you, sorry i can't give more helpful advice.

November 6, 2007

Thanks Bella Bella- it always helps to hear I'm not the only one going thru this- but I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. I've just made an appt with a hypnotherapist because I'm at a total loss and I'm wasting too much time thinking about this guy, his family, and our memories before he "betrayed" my opinion and memory of him! And thinking WAY too much about this girl he slept with- to the point I find myself comparing my personality and physical qualities and accomplishments to hers. I'm going mad!!!!

Anybody feel I should confront this "friend" about what she has done (see above) or should I just avoid her? I just want to tell her I expected a certain level of decency considering we share some pretty amazing friends and of course I want her to know he was still sleeping with me three days before she came onto the scene!!! I'll just bet he hasn't told her that!

And why is it that the dumper can't hurt as much as you do- when you need them to so you know you've meant something to them after 9 years?

Sigh.

Hopefully next time I post, I will have been hypnotized to forget I ever knew him- ha- if only that were possible eh?

November 6, 2007

hmm, i wouldn;t confront her as you want to keep the moral high ground and it probably won;t achieve much apart from make you more angry. I guess the guys are coping better as first, it was their choice, and second, guys just seem to be able to block things out easier (i know that's a generalisation, but seems to be true). It doesn't mean your time together didn;t matter to him, he wouldn;t have stuck around for so long. Keep going,a day at a time xx

November 6, 2007

Hey, I can imagine the way you feel..it must be very tough, 9 years is no joke..no joke by any means.

Please dont confront this girl...I know it hurts and its very tempting to do so, sometimes silence is better, She knows what she is doing is wrong, so does your ex....your silence would only make them feel more guilty in due time.

Everyone compares personalities/physicalics, it pretyt normal..i do it..Im female..but try not to do so a lot...you both are different individuals etc. He was with you for 9 years, you must have meant/ still mean a lot to him, whether he is sleeping with someone else or not.

You have to realise something....the fact that he is sleeping with someone else soon after your breakup does not mean he does not mean all the memories of you are gone! He is just enjoying his single hood, as painful as it seems. In a year;s time he may not even be with this woman he is sleeping with....stop imagaining the worst......

Your ex broke it off with you, unforunately as painful as it sounds, whatever he does/wants to do is up to his discretion.Try not to occupy yourself/time thinking about what he is doing now post-breakup. I myself was dumped almost 7 weeks ago.(hope iv not lost track of the time.lol)...I know he will satisfy his physical, he may even be seeing some1 now, but i just try not to dwell on that fact as much as it hurts.

It hurts so much cos you are still getting over the breakup, struggling etc but he is already sleepng with someone else. Women can be different and more emotional...im sure you couldnt even consider sleeping with someone now as you still love you ex, some men seperate emotions from sex..and so they have a goodtime even if they broke up from a relationship say 4 weeeks ago.

during a breakup he had stated he always felt weird about not having as many sex partners as me or his friends

I guess he had not passed the 'wondering what's out there stage...he is now engaging in intercourse...increasing his number of sex partners?

9 years is a long time, i have to admit....so its going to take some time to get over him. I guess all you can now is simply avoid this girl.

If he didnt want to marry you, in the long run, its better it ended now...so you can start to live your life afresh, with the hope of finding a husband, settling down and having kids etc.

Im sorry you are going through this, it must be very tough...remember however that men know to seperat emotions from sex...I wonder if he may return to you after 'some time of freedom' , but you cant wait..cos he may never do so.......

Ensure as much LC as possible, dont confront this girl( you dont want to get involved some sort of brawl etc), read LS, I would have told you to talk to friends, isnt there anyone of your friends you trust and you can confide in? Or family? You need to talk to someone...it helped me a lot......Try to see yourself as starting afresh..its really hard and people have done it..so can you..

Stay strong and keep us informed.xxx

November 6, 2007