He left on Saturday but I want him back

[Charlotte's Tears]

I have never really been on forums before but im so lost i dont know what to do. My husband moved out on Saturday.

 

We have been married a year and had a terrible first year of marriage i was diagnosed with a terrible long term illness which ruined our wedding day and honeymoon. Due to that i had to quit my job. He was demoted at work and is totally unhappy now in his current role. A member of his family is terminally ill and we have financial worries.

 

A few months ago when things were at their lowest I felt so empty and like i didnt exsist to him so foolishly did seek comfort with someone else. I regretted it immediately and knew how terrible and wrong it was. Pretty soon after he hacked into my computer and found something incriminating. I admitted it straight away and that i was sorry etc. He stayed away that night then came home.

 

A few weeks after he said he couldnt cope with what had happened as he thought about it all the time. He moved out for a week but we had contact everyday and saw each other 2/3 times and by the end we missed each other alot and so he moved back in. Things were much much better for a while but he was becoming more and more controlling and mistrusting even though this time i was always being truthful and honest.

 

Anyway he decided a week ago that he couldnt do this anymore because he didnt trust me and couldnt get over what i had done and so he was going and this was divorce. He still lived here all week and it was hell. So much of me wanted to scream out that i wanted him to stay but i didnt want to beg. We talked on the friday before he left and i told him how i felt and so did he and he said he still loves me and is still in love with me.

 

Things have been so hard now he has gone and its almost like a ten tonne truck has hit me with the realisation of all the things i did wrong and how i can put them right. We have said minimal contact and we will meet up for a coffee on our wedding anniversary in about 4 bweeks time.

 

There is no time limit on our separation but from what we discussed i believe this is now a trial separation and we will then decide what we want. but im so scared that being away from each other will just make him forget me and gradually stop loving me and wanting to be with me.

 

I agree we need some time apart to cool down and lose some of the anger and bitterness that was causing all the arguements but i really want us to start dating again slowly and restart our whole relationship. What does anyone else think??

 

I miss him so much already and know i made the biggest mistake in the world and i just want a chance to show him that i can make this better and that i love him so so much and i was silly not to have realised it before.

 

Im sorry this is such a long thread but if you read it and have some advice or words of wisdom/ comfort i would love to hear them.

 

Thank you

[Nightwolf_58]

Well I think that there is still hope for you since your husband says that he is still in love with you. It's when they say they love you, but not "in" love with you is when there really isn't any hope left.

 

I would try your best to seek out some marriage counseling if your husband is willing to do it. That way you can create a calm setting where you both can get out everything that is on your mind. I'm not saying it will fix everything right away, but over time you may be able to work on yourself and your marriage problems, which may lead to you being able to salvage your relationship in time.

 

I hope the best for you. Just remember to take good care of yourself, and somehow everything works out for a reason.

[Ladyjane14]

Charlotte, as difficult as it is for you... you've got to give this guy time to lick his wounds.

You know, men are very visual creatures. He might not have seen you behaving sexually with another man, but when he looks at you... he sees it in his head just as clearly as if he'd watched.

 

About the best you can do right now is to let him know you're there, let him come to you when he wants to talk, and on the occasions when he does, try to show him that you're sorry... without making excuses. I've noticed that the chief complaint of betrayed husbands is that their mate doesn't show appropriate remorse.

(Also, don't ever lie to him again. Even the tiniest of lies will undo ALL progress. )

 

Remember that you already had your choice. This one is his. So be prepared to let him make it on his own terms, taking whatever time he needs.

[Charlotte's Tears]

Thank you so much both of you for the supportive words. Lady Jayne how do i let him know i am here when we are on minimal contact?

 

Should i wait for him to contact me or can i make first contact. (We have had to have contact today to make arrangements for some things he has left here that he needs, i am dropping this at his work this afternoon)

[Ladyjane14]

....how do i let him know i am here when we are on minimal contact?

 

Should i wait for him to contact me or can i make first contact. (We have had to have contact today to make arrangements for some things he has left here that he needs, i am dropping this at his work this afternoon)

 

Since you're leaving some things for him at work... why not just include a card or a note?

Let him know how sorry you are, and that you want him to take whatever time he needs, that you'll be waiting and hoping he'll contact you, that your priority in life is his recovery and happiness.

 

And honey, if you say all that... MEAN IT. It's possible that he won't come back. Some don't.

But offering comfort to somebody you've hurt can comfort you as well. Because at the minimum, you KNOW that you've done the best you could to rectify the damage.

 

Also... remember that actions speak louder than words. If you're not in IC (individual counseling), then GET THERE. He needs to SEE you working to become a better partner and making progress in overcoming whatever deficits might have left you open to an affair. He also needs to see you being patient and focusing on his healing.

[LoisLane]

So if the role is reversed, meaning if your H did this to you - you would have left him or stayed? Could you trust him again? I mean do you really blame him for leaving?