Author Starry-eyed Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 Thanks Starry. Thankfully my mom does not live alone her and my father are happily married and live together. For a long time my dad was in denial about my mom's eating. He's a very trim marathon runner himself who thinks slim women are more attractive. Since she was like this long before meeting him he thought she was just a tiny woman who didn't eat much. A few years ago when we went to Europe to visit family my moms weight was getting really low again. When my grandmother saw this she was crushed but she knew it's a difficult thing t bring up. One day when my mom was out my grandma sat down with my dad and showed him hospital records and pictures of my mom's anorexic body. Seeing that made him realize that she does have a serious problem that's been ongoing her entire life. This was about 3 years ago and since then he is a little more aware of her eating. It makes me feel safer because though she's still at a very low weight I'm confident that he won't let her harm herself. I think giving children a healthy relationship with food is difficult for someone with an eating disorder. I love my mother dearly and admire her in many ways, she's brilliant, has a Ph.D. etc. but the ideas about weight and food she gave me are far from good. Till I was 19 I was a very thin size zero. I was active and genetically my family does not have weight issues but in part it was because she only kept really light food at home. In high school though I was really thin she would frown upon my eating unhealthy food (pizza, fast food) and when I did I did it behind her back. She would also comment on my friends weight, saying things like "oh she's so fat, she looks like a little bear." When I moved away to college she wasn't around and I was able to eat anything I wanted, and I did. I gained like 20 lbs in the first two years and kept it on throughout college. At first she was so cruel to me about it, though I wasn't even overweight. After a while I think a family member told her to cut it out with me. I also blew up at her once I said something like "I KNOW you've been hospitalized for starving yourself, I KNOW you've been a fan of vomiting up dinner, don't you dare comment on my body again!" The thing was I wasn't happy being heavier and really wanted to be a size 0 again, I still do. In part I think I kept some of the weight on as an FU to my mom (keep in mind I'm talking a size 6/7) About a year ago I let it go and started to lose some of it for me, I feel less motivated to me a 0 again, I can deal with a 2 I've really blabbed on longer than intended, I guess my point was that this is something that will impact your kids if you let it. I see weird things in myself at times when it comes to food. For example I have been really sick with a stomach flue since Sunday morning. It's Tuesday now and all I've eaten since Sun morning has been 3 crackers. This morning while getting ready I looked at myself and felt almost proud of that. These thoughts quickly pass but they're there. Wow, so your dad didn't even know your mom had an ED? Did you know before your dad did? I can only imagine the pain your mom felt in keeping that secret and living in that way for so long. And then your pain at your mom's expectations for you to be thin like her. Hopefully she has learned to be kinder to you and accepting of whatever your choices are. I don't know your height, but size 6 is a nice, slim size. Can you be happy there? I totally know what you mean about feeling almost proud of basically fasting for three days. We are messed up! I saw an episode of Intervention recently that the focus of the show was this young woman who was addicted to speedballs and also anorexic/bulimic. Turns out her mother was anorexic/bulimic, too, and they both ended up going to treatment places. The show really didn't focus too much on the eating stuff, though, more on the drugs.
Author Starry-eyed Posted November 7, 2007 Author Posted November 7, 2007 My story is exactly like yours.I've had so many problems with eating.i had an/b 6 years ago,than i got over it..gained weight...but later i got something stuck in my head that im fat when i weighted only 110lb.i couldnt eat,noticed my bones started showing really bad,i could count my ribs! the only thing that helped me were therapies.I guess its just a sickness,and i dont know if it will ever go away for me.because recently i got this thing again thinking im fat, and not eating anything,cant even look at the food,started feeling weak,but somehow im fighting it i force myself to eat at least a little bit.it still makes me sick,but i know if i wont i will go back to my old ways. good luck to you hun.hope everything will be ok with you. Good luck to you, too, goxcrazy. Fight it off. I don't know if we'll ever be truly freed from disordered eating; maybe, but I don't know. Did something happen recently to trigger you into thinking you're fat? This is going to sound really bizarre but for me my eating disorder was like a friend. It was a very big part of who I was. And although I knew it was abnormal to have it and it was unhealthy to have it I still liked having it. Sound weird? No, not at all. I understand it. My ED hasn't become my whole life yet, but it's become my vehicle for relieving stress, anxiety, and fear right now. Plus, b/ping releases chemicals in the brain and after throwing up, you can kinda get almost a high, which makes it harder to break the cycle. Do you think that is because it was an area of your life that only you could control? Since the rest of your life seemed to be happening outside of your control, this is one area that you could enjoy and control? Yes, that is a huge factor (sorry, don't mean to answer for amay). Life is so uncontrollable and out of control! To have one thing that follows your plans, wishes, ideas...that's great. Even though you're not really controlling your eating, it is controlling you. But eating disorders are so complex and made up of many little parts adding up to a big issue. And purging is not only a method of control, but it's also a release of stress, fear, anxiety, boredom, or whatever uncomfortable feelings one is experiencing.
amaysngrace Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 It was nice just to talk to some who had been there, who knew what "the world" was like and could understand what I was saying. I am so happy you found someone like this. It feels really good to be understood, doesn't it? It helps you not feel so alone when you know others have been where you are now. I hope that she's the one who can help you through this for good. The only reason I don't still do this is because I got past it. It's not how I cope anymore. I journal my feelings instead. I write them, face them and work through them respectively. That's how I get it out now. And yes, it has brought me to a higher level of self-acceptance most definitely. Do you journal?
allina Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Wow, so your dad didn't even know your mom had an ED? Did you know before your dad did? I can only imagine the pain your mom felt in keeping that secret and living in that way for so long. And then your pain at your mom's expectations for you to be thin like her. Hopefully she has learned to be kinder to you and accepting of whatever your choices are. I don't know your height, but size 6 is a nice, slim size. Can you be happy there? I totally know what you mean about feeling almost proud of basically fasting for three days. We are messed up! I'm not sure what my dad knew and didn't know. Back when they got together (20&21 when they started dating) she was already like this for over 10 years. Also, 25-30 years ago not that much was know or discussed about eating disorders. I think my dad wasn't aware of how serious it could be and has been in my mom's past. I don't think it's been a secret in my mom's life, her entire family knows and will confront her when they see it getting bad. My mom has always denied it and always will. As for me, I'm 5'4 and now a bit smaller than a 6. Yes I can be happy at a 6 but in a way that says "I'm happy but I would like to lose a few lbs" It doesn't mean that I'd hate myself or anything I just prefer to be smaller. Also (and I know a lot of people say it, it actually DOES apply to me) I have a small frame so at a 6 I did have too much fat. Where I stand on my body and lifestyle is that I refuse to be fat but I also refuse to be unhealthy or obsessive. I enjoy hiking, being active and healthy foods. However, I also like burritos, fried chicken and beer I'm just in to being active and not going overboard with fatty foods.
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