Lauriebell82 Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Hi everyone, haven't posted here in awhile (guess that's a good thing though!) but I suppose I could use some advice here. I've been with my boyfriend for about 15 months now and things are going really well. We see each other on the weekends right now because I am currently at college (an hour and a half away). We each have our own apartments, and we alternate visiting each other on the weekends and stay together the whole weekend. Alright the situation: Tonight before my bf left to drive home he was talking to his brother who goes to college in NY. He wanted to go visit him for a weekend and I said that was fine with me. I was going to come home to visit him on Thursday night and then he would leave for the weekend friday and be gone friday night, sat, and come home sunday. I thought this was a good solution because then I would still get to spend some time with him during the weekend, otherwise it would be 2 weeks without seeing each other. Ok anyway, I suggested this to him and asked if I could just stay in his apartment for those few days until he came back and he got very weird. He said he felt weird about it, and that maybe I could stay at my parents or something. (My parents are a pain in the butt, thats why I just always stay at my bf's). I asked him why he felt weird and he said that he just still feels "possessive" about his apartment and doesn't know if he would feel comfortable having people stay there without him. Now, okay I understand that and I'm not really upset about it (well I guess it bothers me a little, hence me posting this). I suppose my real concern is that he's not going to be ready for the whole living together thing in May. We have plans to get a new apartment together when i graduate in May by the way. Does anyone have any advice for me?
Tony T Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Very simple. People like their privacy. He probably doesn't like the idea that you could possibly go through his dresser drawers, closets, etc. and look through things he has stored in his apartment. I'm sure he has nothing to hide but he's probably had experiences in the past of lady friends going through his things. It's a feeling of being violated. Then again, maybe he does have things to hide, on his computer and elsewhere. In any case, you should in every way have total respect for his feelings without question. Try to be as understanding as you're capable of in this case. A LOT of people don't like somebody in their private space while they are away. Later on in the relationship I'm sure that will change. I personally have experiences with females snooping around my place when I had just left for an hour or two. It wouldn't be so bad...but then they have the nerve to ask you about stuff they discovered...haha!...pictures of other women (old girlfriends, etc.) that are NONE of their business. Stop worrying and go find some other place to stay. He doesn't owe you his apartment and you should respect his wishes.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 well, it could be nothing, or it could be something. duh, i know. but it could be that he is just a very private person and really does just feel weird about it. on the flip side of that, i would be wary of a person who didn't trust me enough to let me stay in their place alone. you're not a new girlfriend, you've been together for over a year! it would make me wonder what he's hiding. i would talk to him about it more before you get too upset; maybe he had a situation like this before and it didn't turn out well, so now he's skittish about people staying in his place when he's not there. who knows? regardless, i can see why this bothers you. i don't think you're overreacting, because this would bother most people, i would venture to assume. let us know what happens. good luck.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 Thanks for the replys. I stay at his apartment all the time without him there..but never for a whole night. I usually come home thursday night from college and when he goes to work on friday i usually stay the whole day there and do other things while he is at work. So he trusts me at his apartment when he's not there obviously. I don't know what his issue is. Maybe its just staying there without him for an extended stay. My plan is to respect his wishes for whatever he thinks, but it still makes me a little weary. I hope he's not having cold feet about moving in together and feels like he's going to lose all his independence and privacy. I guess that's my main concern. What do you guys think? Should I ask him about this or let it go?
Timberlane Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Jesus, did he overreact. I let women stay at my place without question. I have no qualms about them using my computer, either. If they want to dredge up stuff that is none of their business, so what. Your boyfriend needs to chill out and let you have a place to crash. Maybe you will surprise him with a nice dinner when he gets back? He needs to harden the F up and deal with the "invasion of privacy."
jcster Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 If you don't make a big deal about it this time, and arrange for another place to stay, I'll bet he will change his mind about it. I've found that a lot of people will automatically say "no" when they are surprised. It's probably not that big of a deal to him, but he might need a little time to process the request.
Star Gazer Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Well, while I understand his desire to maintain his privacy, I'd still be really worried about moving in together in May. I've lived with a BF before, and from that experience I can say that I think if you two have already decided on living together come May, you should already be in a place where he's perfectly comfortable sharing his space with you (and vice versa), including letting you stay there while he's gone. Seeing as he's okay with leaving you there on Fridays, but doesn't want you there this upcoming weekend, the only explanation my crazy mind would be able to come up with is that perhaps he intended to really not be gone in the first place... Maybe he just needs some down time, a weekend without you, without any explanation? I'd honestly go crazy if I had to spend EVERY weekend with my BF, or even just being social (such as in this alleged situation where he's hanging with his brother).
Timberlane Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Good advice, jcster. Give him a chance to think it over.
curiousnycgirl Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Well your options seem clear, you can come down to see him then head back to school, or you can decide to stay at school and go two weeks. (I have pain in the butt parents, so staying with them would not be an option for me, but it may be another for you - your call). You need to respect his feelings on his apartment. They don't necessarily mean anything about his feelings towards moving in with you - that will be different it will be both your place, not just his. I suggest you just go with the flow and not make a big deal about the apartment thing, just adjust your plans accordingly.
Starry-eyed Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Normally I would say that inviting yourself to stay at his place for a few days while he is gone is a bit over the bounds and I completely understand his reluctance and discomfort. However, the facts that you've been dating 15 months, plan to move in together in the spring, and that you stay there alone once a week already makes it different. I would ask him what he feels about you staying there for a few days while he's gone, what's different about that to him than you staying there on Fridays. Maybe it just caught him off guard? Or he just feels it's an invasion of his privacy? Or....I don't know, but I'd ask him about it, and also make plans to stay somewhere else or skip seeing him that weekend (and I know how sucky that would be).
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 Thanks for the replys everyone. Actually it's not this coming weekend that he is going to visit his brother, it's like the first weekend in December or something like that. I didn't even really invite myself to stay there (well I kinda did) but since i'm always there on Friday, when he got home from work and was ready to leave for NY i would just already be there so it would be easier to stay there. So it's like I would be staying there all day Friday and then leaving when he leaves for NY, then coming back on Sunday night and spending the night. So this doesn't make a whole lot of sense, why he would care if i would stay there friday and saturday. Like Starry-eyed said, I might have just caught him off guard or something. I don't really know if I should bring this up or not, or if it's a huge deal. I'm just kind of confused here guys. Today we talked a lot about moving in together and even looked online at some houses that we could buy in 3 or 4 years, how much we would need for a downpayment, ect. I don't know what his deal is!
Krytie TV Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 How about if you just cancelled the weekend all together. If he's not willing to let you stay at his place (which should be fine if you are already talking about living together IMO), then maybe you just shouldn't go see him. It sounds like a fair trade off to me.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 How about if you just cancelled the weekend all together. If he's not willing to let you stay at his place (which should be fine if you are already talking about living together IMO), then maybe you just shouldn't go see him. It sounds like a fair trade off to me. I don't know if I'd want to do that, it would probably just cause unnessary drama. I'll talk to him about it tonight, I'm not sure what his deal is. He's had some time to think about it now though, so maybe it will be ok. He said he feels "possessive" about his apartment whatever that means. I mean I stay there so much but it is his apartment, not mine. So we'll see. Thanks for your help, if anyone has anymore it would be appreciated. I'll let you know what happens though.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 I talked to my boyfriend and he apologized for acting weird about his apartment. He said he trusts me to stay there and take care of it for him while he goes to NY. We had a real good talk! Thanks for the advice guys.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I talked to my boyfriend and he apologized for acting weird about his apartment. He said he trusts me to stay there and take care of it for him while he goes to NY. We had a real good talk! Thanks for the advice guys. wonderful! three cheers for communication! i bet you feel so much better, good for you.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 wonderful! three cheers for communication! i bet you feel so much better, good for you. Thanks Kenzie! Yeah, I feel better. We are always able to work things out, so I think living together/getting married is going to work for us!
Recommended Posts