jtalia Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I am trying to avoid my MM, whom happens to be my next door neighbor, and I am finding it way too hard. We have been having an A for about 4 months or so. Both of us developing strong emotions for one another. Both of us are confused and not happy in our marriages. I told him today that I was going to make myself scarce to let him sort out his feelings, etc. He said he would rather not but understood. He said we could try to be "just friends" for awhile and not change how we act around each other. (I guess to not make others suspicious) How the heck do I do that? I am in love with this man. How do I continue "hanging out" with them when I have such strong feelings? Everytime I see him, I want to be with him and can't keep my eyes off him. I have to keep myself away so that I can just "let it go." On the other hand, if I act too distant, my H will wonder what is wrong. I still haven't told my H of the A. I guess I am hoping the MM will sort himself out and choose me to be with. (wishful thinking) How do I avoid him without causing concern????
whichwayisup Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 answerplease37, and forbidden fruit are the two here who can help you most as they've recently been through what you're going through now. One is still ongoing. Click on their usernames, then go to find all threads by each user. Take afew days and read all their threads, hopefully you'll gain some insight. Question. Do you have kids? Does he? I guess I am hoping the MM will sort himself out and choose me to be with. Let's say he chooses you, are you then going to turn around, tell your husband about the A, divorce him and be with the MMneighbour? If your marriage is going to end, let it be because you don't love your husband anymore and you want someone else. To stay married and play the field, so to speak, is only preventing your husband from HIS happiness he deserves. If you don't want him, let him go so he can be free to find love again.
KATANYA Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I was also going to refer you to forbidden fruit and answerplease 37.....very similar situations and will give you a very real idea about what you are in for.
Author jtalia Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 answerplease37, and forbidden fruit are the two here who can help you most as they've recently been through what you're going through now. One is still ongoing. Click on their usernames, then go to find all threads by each user. Take afew days and read all their threads, hopefully you'll gain some insight. Question. Do you have kids? Does he? Let's say he chooses you, are you then going to turn around, tell your husband about the A, divorce him and be with the MMneighbour? If your marriage is going to end, let it be because you don't love your husband anymore and you want someone else. To stay married and play the field, so to speak, is only preventing your husband from HIS happiness he deserves. If you don't want him, let him go so he can be free to find love again. Yes, I have 2 sons ages 8 and 11. He has 3 grown children and 3 grandchildren. He is 14 years older than I. If he was too ask me to be with him, I would leave my husband and tell him of the A. I have mentioned to him that I want to leave on several occasions because I am not in love with him. We have had a rough several years of arguing, etc. Our personalities don't match anymore. All he tells me is that he would do everything and anything to keep me. If I was to leave him, he said he would never marry again as I am his one true love. I don't know why I cannot try..........Oh, yeah...probably because of the MM. I cannot think clearly with him in my life.
nadiaj2727 Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I don't know why I cannot try..........Oh, yeah...probably because of the MM. I cannot think clearly with him in my life. jtalia-- It sounds like your husband truly loves you. There are so many other women and betrayed spouses here that would be so happy to have a man who puts them first and who loves them like that. I for one am envious. You have a really good thing. I think that if you give that up to be with your MM next door neighbor, you will find that the excitement and passion will wear off, and you will be with someone who forsook his own promises to be with you, instead of with the one to whom you promised your loyalty and devotion, and who was right there being there for you the whole time. I was engaged when I met my MM. My fiance had a stable, happy relationship. He loved me very much and I know he would do anything for me -- he backed that up with actions as well as words (like it sounds like your H does). I thought I loved him just as much. Then I met MM who brought me so much passion and fulfillment and excitement, and I thought, "how can I really be in love with my fiance if I have these amazing feelings for someone else?" My MM told me he had feelings for me and wanted to be with me. He said he and his wife had a loveless marriage, that they had talked about D, and that they both wanted it for their own reasons, not having to do with me. He said that he and I would be incredible together. I thought, "Why have that when I can have this?" So I broke up with my fiance, not even expecting a lifetime of happiness with my MM, but at least to be able to go out on a normal date and start getting to know him better. (I feel that the only GOOD thing I did in this whole situation was breaking up with my fiance so that he can go find someone who treasures him, instead of stringing him along being indecisive, like my MM ended up doing to both me and his W). Fairy tales are just that. They aren't reality and they don't have happy endings. My MM did not divorce his W for his own reasons to be with me. He said they were "separated" but they are in fact quite married, and he showed me what his priorities are -- trying to "smoothly" end a M with her instead of facing reality and doing what needed to be done for him to be happy and have a chance with me. All of those exciting passionate feelings started to turn into guilt, depression, unhappiness, when I realized that I had given up a really good guy who knew what he wanted (me ) and showed me that, for a deceptive and indecisive guy who SAID he knew what he wanted (out of his unhappy marriage, to be with me) but didn't back that up with action. All he did was take me on an emotional roller-coaster ride, which is exactly how you'll hear many other OWs on here describing their affair. I learned too late that real love is NOT a feeling. It is not something you just accidentally "fall into" and can't help, b/c the feelings are so overwhelming. No, it is a choice and a commitment. It requires effort and putting the other person's interests above your own, and NOT giving in to heated emotions on a whim. I'm glad I figured that out, but I wish it had not been at the expense of my engagement. I realize now that my true love was at home waiting for me to snuggle up with him while I was at work flirting with my seemingly adventurous and awe-inspiring MM. It may seem boring, or commonplace, but real love is a steady relationship where there *are* no crazy ups and downs of affairs and secrecy and living double lives. It is being able to be yourself and count on the other person to be there for you no matter what. I just gave you a small sermon, I'm sorry. But I can't advocate following your heart here. It will only lead to unhappiness for so many people -- your H, your MM's W, your children, and most importantly to you (and to me, since you're the one who wrote this post , YOU. Instead I think you are doing the right thing by stepping back and gaining an objective perspective. Take it slow. Don't make any rash decisions and DON'T continue in either a physical or emotional affair with this man until you decide what to do about your H. I believe that continuing a "friendship" with this man constitutes continuing the emotional affair, and as you yourself acknowledged, you know that will mean not being able to focus your efforts on your husband. So to be fair to your husband (and in the end, yourself), do some long and hard thinking and ask yourself if your M with your H is worth sticking through no matter what, and being faithful, regardless of whether MM is in the picture. (He could decide he doesn't want you anymore tomorrow -- he didn't take vows to you -- just remember that and act like he is not in the equation at all, because he really isn't. In the long-term equation it is yourself and your family who will always be there, whether or not you and H get divorced). If you're truly unhappy and you realize there is no saving it, then divorce your H, quickly, so that he can move on. Don't drag him along while you can't decide. But if there's any chance for working on things, definitely definitely do NOT have any more contact with MM. Think of what you would want your H to do if he were in your situation. Good luck.
nadiaj2727 Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 PS I forgot to tell you about the end of my affair. I decided to break up with him and I learned that the only way to really do it -- in answer to your original question, sorry -- is to go cold turkey no contact. It's like a drug addiction, you've got to kick the habit. The more you talk to him or see him, the more you'll still have an emotional tie to him that is destructive to getting on with your own life. Believe me, if you want him to be able to decide about his M and you want to be able to decide about your M (good idea -- since it doesn't sound like he's going anywhere for you any time soon), then neither of you can have ANY contact with the other, no matter what.
forbidden fruit Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I am not sure if I am the best person to give you advice on getting involved with your neighbor since I am still going through it. However, I will tell you this and that is I have been in self imposed NC for the last month and in doing I have made sense of all the feelings and emotions I have had about my A. If there is one thing I could tell you about having a A with your neighbor is no matter how much you think you love him and how much you think he loves you it will never work. Sorry to say that, but if your xmm says he wants to be friends until he sorts things out you are being strung along and get ready for the worst rollercoaster ride ever. I know you think he is different than mine and Ap's, but he is not. He will never leave and even if he does trust me you do not want him. I know this sounds harsh,but no good will come of this. You have to do this in your own time because god knows it took me two years. Two years of wasted time that I did not spend with my kids, two years of heartache to my H. Two years of lies and broken promises, two years of sneaking around, anxiety, physical and mental exhaustion, lost friendships, loss of self-esteem and worth it goes on and on. If that sound fun and exciting to you by all means keep having a A with your neighbor. Trust me I am not being bitter or preachy, but you are in for a world of hurt that you can even imagine is possible. It is going to take me years to undue all the damage he caused and I allowed him to do. Nc is the only way and never look back and believe me he will try to make sure you are never far from his reach. Mine is still harrassing me and I expect will continue to do so because I am stronger than him and I am finally putting myself before. Please put yourself before him. By him asking you to be friends he is putting himself before you. take care of you!!!! I wish I would of done the same in the very beginning.
Author jtalia Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 Thank you all for the wonderful advice. Neither of you sounded "preachy" by the way. Being how he is my neighbor, how do I have NC with him? I see him everyday. My H talks to him everyday. My kids hang out with him. I know nothing good will come of this. It is exciting and new. Maybe that it is the thrill of it all that has me so "in love". I don't want to destroy his family and mine. I know that if we continue on, it will destroy me. I feel that it already has. He has consumed my life, every thought, everyday he is in my head. I just can't seem to get rid of him....I can't pretend as if nothing ever happened. I cannot just turn off my feelings. How do you have NC when he is a few steps away???? I have suggested moving to another town, closer to where I work. My H says he would do that for me if it meant working on us. But I figured I was being selfish. Besides telling my H of the A, what can I do to convince him we need to move? I seriously would like to tell my H of the A but I am scared of what he will do. I know he would not leave me and he would want to work it out. But I fear he will have it in with the neighbor and then his W would find out. I couldn't bear for that to happen.
Meaplus3 Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I am trying to avoid my MM, whom happens to be my next door neighbor, and I am finding it way too hard. We have been having an A for about 4 months or so. Both of us developing strong emotions for one another. Both of us are confused and not happy in our marriages. I told him today that I was going to make myself scarce to let him sort out his feelings, etc. He said he would rather not but understood. He said we could try to be "just friends" for awhile and not change how we act around each other. (I guess to not make others suspicious) How the heck do I do that? I am in love with this man. How do I continue "hanging out" with them when I have such strong feelings? Everytime I see him, I want to be with him and can't keep my eyes off him. I have to keep myself away so that I can just "let it go." On the other hand, if I act too distant, my H will wonder what is wrong. I still haven't told my H of the A. I guess I am hoping the MM will sort himself out and choose me to be with. (wishful thinking) How do I avoid him without causing concern???? Straight to the point here you are headed for a Major Mess if you continue this a with your mm neighbor. If you are hoping that the guy nextdoor will choose you, don't hold your breath because that's not going to happen! You need to cease all contact with him right away. If the kid's play together deal with the W. Don't bother worrying what other's will think it's a waste of time. You say your both not happy in your marriages? Time to figure out why? It's time to refocus on YOUR life with YOUR family and step back from his. While it's very hard (not going to lie to you) with the mm living nextdoor, you can avoid him by changing around your schedule and becoming unavailable to him. I wish I could tell you that all of this will be easy, but I can not. I have lived it and regret it. The worst pain I have felt in my life was the pain I caused myself and other's I love because I made a choice to avoid my marriage problems and get involved with a man who I thought cared for me and was the "answer" to those problems. Well, he was not the answer and now I have to live on a daily basis with the deep emotional scares that will last a life time. Go back and read some of my story if you have a chance. Don't end up like me., it's NOT worth it! AP:)
outofdarkness Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I am trying to avoid my MM, whom happens to be my next door neighbor, and I am finding it way too hard. We have been having an A for about 4 months or so. Both of us developing strong emotions for one another. Both of us are confused and not happy in our marriages. I told him today that I was going to make myself scarce to let him sort out his feelings, etc. He said he would rather not but understood. He said we could try to be "just friends" for awhile and not change how we act around each other. (I guess to not make others suspicious) How the heck do I do that? I am in love with this man. How do I continue "hanging out" with them when I have such strong feelings? Everytime I see him, I want to be with him and can't keep my eyes off him. I have to keep myself away so that I can just "let it go." On the other hand, if I act too distant, my H will wonder what is wrong. I still haven't told my H of the A. I guess I am hoping the MM will sort himself out and choose me to be with. (wishful thinking) How do I avoid him without causing concern???? move...if possible
forbidden fruit Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 My H and my kids love my xmm and still hang out with him -sounds weird. Now I just go in the back or stay in the house when he is over. I do not want to see him and when he is outside I stay in. When he tries to get my attention I turn around and keep myself busy. I know what you are going through-he consumed my life. Every thought I had was about him and every move I made concerned him. I used to drive around my block crying. It was all consuming!! When you get to the enough point that is when you realize he is doing nothing for you and promising you nothing. It is all lies and trust me I believed mine was different because he loved me. Sometimes love is not enough , however now i know while he told me he loved me in the end he loved himself more. Don't sacrifice for this man. The only sacrifice you should make is for your family and H by not talking to this man. He may be terrific, but nobody is worth giving everything you have built up for, especially one who has cheated. Once a cheater always a cheater. I think my xmm is trying to get me back or he is finding someone new-pathetic!!
nadiaj2727 Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 jtalia, I agree that you should move. That will show your husband and yourself that your family is your main priority and that you will do ANYTHING to stay away from temptation and choose the right path. If you really can't move, I say do not give yourself one inch of budge room or your neighbor MM (and maybe yourself as well) will try to take a mile. It's not necessary to talk to him every day. Just avoid him at all costs and tell him why, and if he doesn't respect you, he has to deal with that. Don't talk to him b/c you feel bad or you have feelings for him... just ignore him b/c you are trying to focus in the right direction. Good luck.
Author jtalia Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 He may be terrific, but nobody is worth giving everything you have built up for, especially one who has cheated. Once a cheater always a cheater. You are exactly right. My H would stand by me no matter what. And he has for all these years. I am not easy to live with and he has stuck around for some reason. I used to be heavier and after our 2nd child, I lost a lot of weight. I am the smallest I have been in a long time. He loved me when I was heavy and he loves me now. He seems to think our issues started when I lost weight. He said I became moody, etc. Which is probably so. Maybe I turned him in the angry man he is? Since I have lost weight, I have sought the attention of other men just to be reassured I guess. Now I am more confident and like the attention. I know I went way too far when I got involved with the MM. Now I will have to live with this agony. Once a cheater, always a cheater.....Do you think this would hold true for me?? Is it possible that I will cheat again, cause that makes me sick to think about. My MM (now ex) says he has never done this before and I believe him. His first W cheated on him. But if he chose me to be with, I would always have that thought of him cheating on me in the back of my mind. And he would probably have the same. It is nice to hear from people who have went through this or is still going through it. I know it will be a tough road. I am going to make myself nonexistent to him and be brief if I have to talk to him. Time to start making family time number 1. I have always included our neighbors in most everything we do. Time to start doing things as a family only or with our other friends. (none of which I would ever be interested in by the way) Hopefully I can be honest with my H after the holidays and tell him the truth. Then maybe we can move and I can try to move forward with my life and fix my M.
Author jtalia Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 jtalia, I agree that you should move. That will show your husband and yourself that your family is your main priority and that you will do ANYTHING to stay away from temptation and choose the right path. If you really can't move, I say do not give yourself one inch of budge room or your neighbor MM (and maybe yourself as well) will try to take a mile. It's not necessary to talk to him every day. Just avoid him at all costs and tell him why, and if he doesn't respect you, he has to deal with that. Don't talk to him b/c you feel bad or you have feelings for him... just ignore him b/c you are trying to focus in the right direction. Good luck. Thank you. I am going to consider this as day 1 with NC. I am going to do my best to avoid him like the plague. He will know why. The hardest part will be avoiding eye contact. Once I see him smile, I just melt. But I have to do this for me and my family.
Meaplus3 Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 jtalia, I agree that you should move. That will show your husband and yourself that your family is your main priority and that you will do ANYTHING to stay away from temptation and choose the right path. If you really can't move, I say do not give yourself one inch of budge room or your neighbor MM (and maybe yourself as well) will try to take a mile. It's not necessary to talk to him every day. Just avoid him at all costs and tell him why, and if he doesn't respect you, he has to deal with that. Don't talk to him b/c you feel bad or you have feelings for him... just ignore him b/c you are trying to focus in the right direction. Good luck. Moving is NOT your answer, it just show's your running away from your problem's. While it's normal to think about, I don't think it's the way to go. Why let this MM run you and your family out of YOUR home. If you move it will only say, "Ha. Ha." you won! I would never let someone have that type of power and control over me. You need to cease all contact, that's the way to end this! AP:)
LoisLane Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Stay in the house - AT ALL TIME!!!! Better yet, don't get involve with a married man - especially the one that stays in the same neighborhood!!!
simplegirl Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I was involved with my neighbor. It's not an easy road. The W would invite me over for dinner and I would sit in the house and "chat" with her while he went outside. I had to hear her complain about their relationship and so forth. I would have to watch him try to make attempts to work on their relationship. It's hard! Then he moved a little over a year ago. I don't talk to her as we were not friends only talked because of proximity but him and I are still involved. At where I stand now, 3 years later, I would not recommend it at all!
Ladyjane14 Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 What did you decide about counseling, JT? If memory serves, in your last thread you were going to look into that. You need some support, hunny. Internet sites are all well and good, but they're no substitute for the real thing. A good counselor can help you get down to the bottom of why you were vulnerable to the affair in the first place. S/he can delve into the details with you, help you decide what to tell and when. For what it's worth... I still believe it's better to move out of the neighborhood and do whatever you need to do to put an end to this thing. You can't eat a bear but one bite at a time. But you've got to get STARTED and take that first bite, right?
Author jtalia Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 What did you decide about counseling, JT? If memory serves, in your last thread you were going to look into that. You need some support, hunny. Internet sites are all well and good, but they're no substitute for the real thing. A good counselor can help you get down to the bottom of why you were vulnerable to the affair in the first place. S/he can delve into the details with you, help you decide what to tell and when. I am planning to go to a counselor next week. I have used this place before but not the same person. The last counselor I saw has since left. She told me to pack my bags and leave him and I wasn't ready to do that. Since I have seen her, the A happened so I have a lot more issues to deal with. I spoke to my pastor also prior to the A and all I felt was extreme guilt for my feelings. Rightfully so I am sure. I agree the move must happen and the sooner the better. I know some do not think I should do that because it would show my weakness. But seriously, if he was to give me some kind of hope, I would take it. And I can't risk that anymore. I have to be done. We live in a small town and I was driving to work. He is a contractor and down the highway I travel......he was there on the ladder working on a house. I couldn't even stop myself from turning to look!!!!! I am losing it!
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