shadowplay Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Kamille inspired me to write another "happy" thread. I just thought I'd post an update for those who have been following my threads. I spent the weekend with my boyfriend (of 4 months) and it was . I hadn't seen him for two weeks. I think we reached a turning point because I finally feel pretty secure about our relationship and his feelings for me. He said several things in particular that affirmed his commitment to me. He said he'd been having the thought a lot lately that "Wow, so this is what love feels like." He said it's remarkable for him to be in love with me because he's never said "I love you" to anyone before except maybe his parents a few times. He also suggested that we move in together - come spring when I'm hopefully moving to NY (that move was planned before I met him). I told him it was tempting but I was worried about it damaging our relationship to be constantly in close quarters. What do you guys think? By then we will have been together for six months. Does that seem too soon? The main change was his demeanor. I'm seen a vulnerable, sweet side of him that a few months ago I never would have thought he'd ever show to me. He seems to feel so safe with me and that is the best gift he could give me. Knowing he"s never shown that side to anyone else makes me feel extremely privileged>
Star Gazer Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Is Spring in two months? I think it's far too early to be discussing moving in together, particularly given how very recent your very serious recent doubts were. Frankly, I don't think you should even be discussing co-habitating until you've FELT secure in your relationship FOR six months.
Author shadowplay Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Is Spring in two months? I think it's far too early to be discussing moving in together, particularly given how very recent your very serious recent doubts were. Frankly, I don't think you should even be discussing co-habitating until you've FELT secure in your relationship FOR six months. Er I mean January or February...that's when I will be moving to NY presumably. I think you're right that it is too early, but he was the one who brought it up. I really love him, but I have a bad view on people living together in general. It seems like it often does more harm than good. A relationship needs some healthy distance to thrive based on my observation. Perhaps that's why I'm not sure if I ever want to get married. Maybe my views will change as I mature.
Star Gazer Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Lots of women here use the "he brought it up/he said it first/he encouraged this" excuse to justify a poor decision. This decision is YOURS just as much as it's his. My point is - regardless of your general views on living together - I think you should refrain from even thinking about it, let alone discussing it, until you've felt happy and secure in your relationship for a significant period of time. You're just now starting to feel okay. Live in the moment, enjoy what you have now. I hate the cliche, but if it's meant to be...it will. No need to rush it.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I agree that it is probably too soon. Living together is a huge committment, and you really need to have seen the best and worst in each other first.
Krytie TV Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Waaaay too soon. I get the feeling that maybe you're too quick to "jump" because you have a history of choosing bad people. This relationship may be good now, but you have to know that good realtionships can go very bad by the 6 month mark. I think you are considering for all the wrong reasons. Might you be doing it for love and acceptance rather than because it's a good choice? From all your posts you've done, I think you're acting out of desperation after 4 months of only a decent relationship. Your history with men is rocky (right?) and I think you're giving this relationship too much value at this point.
Author shadowplay Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 Waaaay too soon. I get the feeling that maybe you're too quick to "jump" because you have a history of choosing bad people. This relationship may be good now, but you have to know that good realtionships can go very bad by the 6 month mark. I think you are considering for all the wrong reasons. Might you be doing it for love and acceptance rather than because it's a good choice? From all your posts you've done, I think you're acting out of desperation after 4 months of only a decent relationship. Your history with men is rocky (right?) and I think you're giving this relationship too much value at this point. Ok, I agree with everyone that it's too soon. I'm just wondering at one point it's appropriate to move in with somebody. That's something I've never done in a relationship. My longest relationship was like a year (I ended it), and we were sort of living together by the end because he was always at my place but it was never official. But I'm curious to know why you think I'm giving this relationship too much value. I would say it's more than decent. Yes, I've had a lot of doubts but those are mostly unfounded and come from my own insecurities. Also, why do you think relationships can go bad at the six month mark? I feel like I know him well and I doubt there will be any huge revelations about his character or mine in a couple of months.
Author shadowplay Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 My point is - regardless of your general views on living together - I think you should refrain from even thinking about it, let alone discussing it, until you've felt happy and secure in your relationship for a significant period of time. You're just now starting to feel okay. Live in the moment, enjoy what you have now. I hate the cliche, but if it's meant to be...it will. No need to rush it. Thanks, that's great advice. In general I've been trying to live in the moment more but sometimes I need to remind myself.
Krytie TV Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 But I'm curious to know why you think I'm giving this relationship too much value. I would say it's more than decent. Yes, I've had a lot of doubts but those are mostly unfounded and come from my own insecurities. Also, why do you think relationships can go bad at the six month mark? I feel like I know him well and I doubt there will be any huge revelations about his character or mine in a couple of months. I don't know how many 6 month or more relationships you've been in, but relationships are not "sure things" after even a year, let alone 6 months. At the four month mark, the novelty has just recently worn off and you are becoming yourselves. Now is when the real relationship starts to develop. You seem to think that because he's nice and you think that you know him that this is a happy long term relationship. Just be careful with that thinking... that's how people get devastated. How do you know he won't just break up with you in the near future? That is not an outlandish possibility you know. You can only speak for you. You can never know what the other person is thinking or account for their thoughts on the future. You need to be cautious about how much blind faith you put in others to dictate your happiness.
Author shadowplay Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 I don't know how many 6 month or more relationships you've been in, but relationships are not "sure things" after even a year, let alone 6 months. At the four month mark, the novelty has just recently worn off and you are becoming yourselves. Now is when the real relationship starts to develop. You seem to think that because he's nice and you think that you know him that this is a happy long term relationship. Just be careful with that thinking... that's how people get devastated. How do you know he won't just break up with you in the near future? That is not an outlandish possibility you know. You can only speak for you. You can never know what the other person is thinking or account for their thoughts on the future. You need to be cautious about how much blind faith you put in others to dictate your happiness. Yes, it's true that anything could happen in the future, but I think if I worry about that and always try to protect myself it will be hard for me to enjoy the present. And as I said I think moving in together would be a bad idea; I just thought I should mention that he had brought it up.
spookie Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I'm glad that things are going well in your relationship shadowplay! I know you know it's early to be thinking about moving in (and I agree), but I think you'll know you're ready when something negative happens, and you go through a rut for a month or two, and you STILL feel totally secure in the relationship and his love for you. See, bliss is great, but I think the true test of the strength of your love, commitment, and ability to make it is the rough times. But you sound like you have your head screwed on tight and he sounds like a great guy, so your chances of working out are great imo. Happy honeymoon period!
Kamille Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 That's great to hear Shadowplay. I'm realizing that it takes courage to actually enjoy and admit when things are great. The way I see it, in my case it is a defense mechanism. Of course I don't know where things will go with my bf, and since we've barely known each other a month, hell, this could all fizzle in two weeks. But the act of actually being thankful for what we have now and for how well he takes care of me has been liberating. I think that when we fall in love we rely on a many mechanisms because we are afraid of losing somebody. I would say you shouldn't hesitate to talk frankly and honestly about what moving in together entails. You both want your relationship to work and so this kind of conversation will likely help you discover more about each other - and demonstrate to each other how important it is for you both. hooray for love!
Recommended Posts