xMM wants me to tell him if I start dating someone else

[nadiaj2727]

My xMM has been repeatedly contacting me despite my asking for NC. He kept calling me this weekend, and saying "I know I'm not supposed to be calling you, I'm sorry, but I have one further question, if you can bear to let me ask you one more favor..."

 

I didn't call him and eventually I stopped listening to his VMs. Today he was at the office when I went in, and he told me that the reason he was calling me was to ask me if I would tell him if I start seeing someone else. He called me a "serial monogamist" and said he just wants to hear about "my new boyfriend" from me instead of through the grapevine. He also said it would be "horrible" to run into me and another guy somewhere, and knowing ahead of time would help him be able to compose himself better if that happens. (I would just like to add that I'm in my mid-twenties and he's in his upper-forties, and he rarely goes to any of the places I used to go before I met him, therefore, it's highly doubtful that I would run into him if I were to go on a "date" with anyone anywhere near my same age. LOL)

 

I was so confused and didn't know what to say. I finally told him no, I cannot tell him if I start seeing someone else, because I am cutting all emotional ties to him, and that reporting to him when I go on a date is an emotional tie. I said I feel that a relationship I wanted to have but couldn't have has been controlling my life for the past 8 months, and I no longer want it to have any control over my decisions. I said I can't feel obligated to him for anything at all, and even telling him if I'm dating someone feels like an obligation. I said it sounds like another attempt of his to see if I'm still waiting for him while he gets divorced, and I can't see how that information could do him any good, especially when he says he's not getting divorced for me. I also said that every time I talk to him he has a way of making me feel bad about myself, like calling me a "serial monogamist" while asking me to let him know when I start seeing "the next guy" (I am NOT like that, I guess he called me that because I was engaged before. I don't know.)

 

He apologized for making me upset (and he also said, "I'm sorry you feel you need to cut all emotional ties with me"), and said he still has such strong feelings for me and this is so hard on him. I said, "you need to start getting rid of your strong feelings for me. And please don't call me or talk to me about anything that's not work-related."

 

Was I too harsh??! I feel like I was a cold B-ioch to him. I just didn't know what to do. He seems to always have a way to make me feel tied to him and every time I talk to him I feel yucky. Thinking of having to go "report" to him if I go on a date with someone is not something I want to do. Yet I can see how he would rather hear it from me than through the grapevine. (Ironically, he said his W asked him the very same thing when he first moved out of their house -- "are you seeing someone? I don't care but I would rather hear it from you than through the grapevine, or see you out somewhere with someone by surprise" (which was a lot more likely in that case b/c he took me to places he liked to go, where I'm sure she would be more likely to be at than he would be at places I like to go). He answered her that he wasn't seeing someone (because, he said, "he didn't want to hurt her", but he's said before that if he told her he was seeing someone, she would file for divorce right away... so it makes me wonder that maybe he didn't tell her b/c he didn't really want to get divorced.) Now he asks me the same thing and I am saying no b/c I don't want to hurt *myself* anymore.

 

Did I do the right thing? Part of me wants to call and apologize to him for being so harsh and saying that out of respect for what we had together, I will let him know if I start seriously seeing another person, so that he can hear it from me instead of someone neither of us knows. But then I think, I don't have much respect for what we had together, because all we had was an A, even though from the beginning he tried to tell me it was something magical and different. And I also don't think I should call him right after I told him to never call me again... wouldn't that be sending mixed messages? I really want to get the point across that he needs to stop calling, texting, and emailing me.

[imstunned]

Hey - I'm still in a position on these forums where I come for advice so I may not be too good at giving it - but I think this is a sad, sad attempt at control over you from your exMM. Tell him to get stuffed. WHY on earth should you have to tell him if you start to see somebody else?

 

I dont know your story - but I very much admire your strength and wish I had just a fraction of it. Dont apologise to him. Poor soul - hard on him!!! Hard on him to watch you move on and see strength in you he wishes wasnt there.

 

Dont call him. Dont tell him anything. You owe him nothing.

 

xx

[White Flower]

Did I do the right thing? Part of me wants to call and apologize to him for being so harsh and saying that out of respect for what we had together, I will let him know if I start seriously seeing another person, so that he can hear it from me instead of someone neither of us knows. But then I think, I don't have much respect for what we had together, because all we had was an A, even though from the beginning he tried to tell me it was something magical and different. And I also don't think I should call him right after I told him to never call me again... wouldn't that be sending mixed messages? I really want to get the point across that he needs to stop calling, texting, and emailing me.

Yes, you did the right thing. You need your life back. I just don't know how you're going to do it if you have to see him at work. Hang in there, sweetie.

[reboot]

Of course you did the right thing. What a manipulative a-hole he is.

[OWoman]

Did I do the right thing? Part of me wants to call and apologize to him for being so harsh

 

You were not harsh, you were honest. And you gave him a full and fair explanation of your reasons, which is more than he deserves. You are not accountable to him, and you do not have to justify your behaviour to him, a simple yes or no should have sufficed for him. You've dumped him - what happens now in your personal life is your business, not his.

[nadiaj2727]

imstunned -- wow, thanks for the compliments. My short story: Met MM at work, he became my mentor, then my lover, he told me he was separated pending D, 2 months later he moved out of his W's house and into a furnished condo of his friends, but he left his dogs & most of his stuff at his W's house. That was in May & that's as far as he got. He said his W is dragging her feet on the D b/c she changed her mind & doesn't want it, and he "doesn't want things to get messy" so he's letting all of that up to her. Things started to not add up, I distrusted his version of things, I felt guilty, I wanted out. Every time he kept telling me it was only "a week or two" until (she was ready to file for) D. Liar. I finally left the A two weeks ago & kept trying NC but he kept sucking me back into discussing things with him such as whether or not I would see him after he's divorced, why I can't wait just "three more days" (uh huh) until they filed for D, etc... FINALLY IN REAL NC.

 

I am also good at giving advice but bad at following it, even when I know what I should do (UNTIL two weeks ago when I finally listened to my own better judgment and kicked his A** to the curb), so don't worry, I appreciate any comments even from those who are struggling with the same situation. And you're right that he doesn't like my strength. He liked that I was weak enough to believe his string-me-along deceptions and lies and stay with him out of "love" even when I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. Now I realize it wasn't love at all, but low self- esteem, an addiction, and being unable to leave b/c he would pull all of these manipulative stunts on me and I was too "nice" to call his BS.

[nadiaj2727]

WF wrote:

I just don't know how you're going to do it if you have to see him at work.

 

I don't either... he definitely uses work as a way to talk to me about personal stuff.

 

I just had a thought: maybe if I tell him I'm seeing someone, he will get the point that I no longer want to be with him, and move on. Maybe he needs to hear I'm with someone else in order to be able to have closure and not wonder if I'm still sitting around waiting to be with him. Perhaps I *should* tell him I'm seeing someone??? I hate stooping to his level (by lying) but maybe that is all he would respond to. I would do anything for him to get the idea that I no longer want to be in this relationship (or any relationship) with him.

[whichwayisup]

Don't tell him anything. The less he knows about your life, the better. For many reasons, but most of all, it's absolutely NONE of his business what you do, who you see, etc..What he is asking of you is emotional blackmail. Realistically all he is trying to do is push you to see if you'll cave. He knows your weak spots and that's why he's pulling this crap on you. (He isn't being malcious, but he is being manipulative for his own selfish ego) If the situation was reversed and he asked you to never call him, only talk to him for work related issues, you better believe he'd expect you to respect HIS wishes, so just keep on ignoring anything personal from him. Eventually he'll figure it out and realize that he has no leg to stand on seeing as he is a married man!

 

Also, the NC is your way of getting over him, detaching and getting used to not having him in your daily life on a personal level.

[KATANYA]

I agree with the others. Tell him absolutely nothing! Let him hear what he wants to know through the grapevine. And do you know what, if he does run into you and a new SO, make sure you act particularly affectionate to your SO so that MM can see you are happy, moving on and having a life!

 

I wouldn't tell him anything - you are no longer involved with him and owed him nothing to begin with! If you do want to test your theory that by knowing you have someone else he will leave you alone than wait a few weeks then make sure you drop a tidbit about your new fella to the office gossip or a mutual acquaintance - heck, put a picture of a really hot guy on your desk and tell everyone its your new man who lives out of town! He'll hear about it!!!!

 

Seriously, keep being strong - you did the right thing!

[nadiaj2727]

WWIU wrote:

 

(He isn't being malcious, but he is being manipulative for his own selfish ego)

 

I agree and I wonder if he *would* be malicious if angry enough. Like, if I told him I was dating someone else (or if he somehow finds out about it whenever I do date someone else), I think he'll call me worse names than "serial monogamist" (ooooh at least I'm not an adulterer), and he might be vindictive to me at work, where he has power over me.

 

I just don't know what makes people like this (manipulative for their own selfish egos). I don't want to think ALL men cheat and lie like this. I thought from the start that he was a good person, I admired him and believed everything he said. Then I started to realize I am too smart to believe everything he said, b/c it was inconsistent and made no sense at all to me. So it got to be like, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me a half a dozen times, totally shame on me!!!"

 

He always told me that I am too nice and that I let people walk on me b/c I don't want to hurt their feelings. I wonder if he sensed this same quality in me and realized he could easily deceive me into believing he was really in love with me and really leaving his wife for me. But then I don't think he's really *that* puposefully deceitful... I think it was more, he really wanted to be with me but didn't realize what that would take, and loved himself/ his ego/ me being in love with him too much to sit me down and say, "My M is not nearly as close to being over as I thought it was, it will be a long and hard process. I'm not asking you to wait for me, but if you want to, I want to explain to you what will happen and when so that you know I'm really working towards being with you." Noooo, he dug his head in the sand and refused to face reality and unintentionally strung me along by deluding himself as well as me that he really was getting divorced very soon, and then he intentionally F-ed with my head when *I* pointed out to him that he was still very married and I wanted out... anything to get me to stay, he tried. That's when it crossed the line for me from innocently living in fantasy-land and refusing to face reality and being an indecisive wimp (all of which should have been enough to make me leave) into intentionally lying/ deceiving/ manipulating me into staying with him when he had to have known at that point that it just wasn't good for me. He may say he loves me, but that's not what I think true love is about.

 

You know, a couple months ago when I was really thinking of breaking it off with him (b/c I realized his W didn't want a D & was trying to save their M & I was feeling so guilty and depressed for having interfered with their M -- NOT because I had started to mistrust him or be angry at him for not getting divorced, yet), I went to see a therapist and she told me that he is not a good man, because he was married, older, and in a higher position than I was at work, so he was doing the wrong thing by being in a relationship with me. She said this probably isn't the first time he's done this to a single woman at work or elsewhere. She also told me -- and I remember this very clearly -- "he isn't getting divorced." She told me that this is not a man I want in my life for the rest of my life. I said something like, "I really think he's a nice guy" (I was still very naive and didn't realize that he just comes across as nice when that's what's required to get what he wants -- other times he comes across as selfish, mean, indecisive, childish, and a variety of other not-so-nice qualities). She said, "Nadia, there are going to be a LOT of men who seem nice that come into your life wanting something, and making you think they have something to offer you. Take this as a learning experience, this man is not nice, he is not a good man."

 

Her words gave me the strength to start ending things with him (although it took me until 2 weeks ago to actually say "I WANT OUT" straight out to him, instead of hinting about it, suggesting it and changing my mind for him, etc.). It was the first time I realized that maybe I should be blaming someone else besides myself for being in this mess, and that it was okay to be angry at him and want out of it. It was also the first time I started to question everything he had ever told me and wonder if he wasn't being straight with me (shortly after that I visited this forum and that REALLY helped me to see that all he fed me were common lies, NOT the unique love he promised, and that she was right -- they never divorce their wives!). But I didn't really believe all that she said. I was like, "She doesn't know him, he's not every married man who cheats, he's a good guy who just got swept away by his feelings for me." But now I realize that she's turned out to be right about so many things, so maybe she's right about the rest of it. Maybe he HAS done this before, even though he swore to me he'd never felt this way in his entire life and he'd never cheated on his W. Maybe he realized he *had* to say those things to me to get me to fall in love with him. It's not like I would have fallen in love with: "Hi, I like to cheat on my W, I'm going to try you next." Maybe he knew what I wanted and pretended to be that so I would fall in love with that fake version of himself. I don't know.

 

The sad part is, I don't even know what's true and what's not true, all I know is he's lied and covered up things to me before, so how am I to know what to think about *anything*?! That's the one part I can't get over, no matter how strong I feel for walking away from this horrible decision of mine and learning so much from it. I wonder how much I was used and how much he actually loved me. How could have have manipulated me, lied to me and deceived me if he loved me at all? Even though I feel strong in ending it, I feel weak for ever doing it in the first place, and I wonder what is wrong with me for not knowing all of this stuff in the beginning.

 

(My apologies for such a long-winded post. This forum is very catharctic to me and I sometimes write way too much without thinking.)

[imstunned]

BLIMEY! I do see my own thoughts in your words. I havent a CLUE if anything that my exmm ever said was true - I think pretty much everything he ever said to me was lies. Screws with your head.

 

i still think 90% of the time that my lying exMM scumbag is a nice man, that he did care for me and that e made a mistake. the other 10% of me is more sensible and knows its all Bull!

 

How can you feel week when you are showing amazing strength! We all make mistakes - I beat myself up about mine and still do all the time, but its not your fault for getting involved in the first place. Seems to me that these MM are clever - mine was a traveling salesman. I am an artist. He tuned in very quickly to what I would find attractive and unattractive. Clever clever! No doubt very experienced at it.

 

You can hold your head high for ending it. Thats what matters. You have your dignity and your self respect intact. And your MM is HATING it. You are the one with the control over you not him.

 

I admire you very much x

[nadiaj2727]

Thank you so much for your words, imstunned, they really show me that I'm stronger than I think. You're right, it feels great to be in control of my own life again instead of letting him control my every emotion ---- which was always either really really up or really really down!

 

I'm so dumb that I thought my situation was unique, I thought, "poor him, in this loveless marriage... he is such a good guy who deserves to be loved, he treats me great and he really wants to be with me." Then I came to this forum and heard all the other OWs whose MMs say the same exact things or whose xMMs SAID the same things, and I was like, OMG, it's like a script he has been following all along. Like your xMM, mine either had to be experienced at this type of thing, or it comes natural to guys, or he had learned how to do it from other guys who've done it or *something*, it is just uncanny how his words were the same ones used by other "unhappily married" guys who never end up getting out of their unhappy marriage (or at least not until OW gets tired of waiting and realizes she's better than all of that waiting and words-not-action).

 

You said: "He tuned in very quickly to what I would find attractive and unattractive." Me too!!! In my case it must have been glaringly obvious to him what he should do in order for me to find him attractive, as I was a brand new attorney, who felt like a lost sheep, never knowing what they expected of me or how anything worked or how to do the work they gave me. Then he came along, as an experienced partner, my knight in shining armour, and helped me with every little thing. I was like, "Wow, I admire him and want to be just like him."

 

Want to know something funny (not to make light of your situation, which I've been reading about, but it's ironic). My xMM actually is a mountain climber, and he would give presentations at work about his two-month-long treks in Tibet and Nepal. I was like, "This is the most awesome and amazing man I've ever met." I run marathons and he asked me if I wanted to go trail running in the mountains, and I was like, "Wow, this is my perfect partner. He makes me a better person all around, at work and in my personal life, etc., I am so lucky to have found him. He must be my soulmate." (Of course, he was telling me that I was his soulmate too. He kept telling me he wants to marry me... while he was still married to someone else. No wonder I bought his BS. He really made it seem like he was leaving his unhappy marriage and he knew we could have something better together.)

 

He knew that my real passion is writing and he would say things like, "Why don't you ever write anymore? You should try to find time to do that even though you're busy, I can tell you are very good at it and you could be published." Of course all my passionate feelings for him inspired me to the point where I felt my life was enriched and bettered because of him. I really think he knew all the things to do and say to make me fall in love with him. Here was a man who was a successful attorney who was totally taking me under his wing. He had exciting adventures and traveled and was very athletic... all things I loved. He inspired my creative side. He seemed to "know" who I really was, down to my core. He paid me the most wonderful compliments, always telling me I was driven, motivated, ambitious, and the most incredible woman he'd ever met. I thought, "how can I NOT end up with this man? He knows who I am and loves me for it." I remember once he sent me a text from the doctor's office telling me he had circled every word in an article he was reading that reminded him of me: inspiration, fun, comfort, sexy, etc... they were beautiful words and I couldn't believe I had found a guy who made me feel so special.

 

The problem, I realized later, was that I *wasn't* special. He was still married, and he'd said he was separated so that I would continue seeing him and thinking there was hope for us. I don't know when if ever he ever told his W they were separated, until he moved out, and even then I wasn't "special" enough for him to tell her or anyone else he was seeing me. Yet I think he too had hope for us to be together -- he really did share passionate feelings for me and watned to be with me. But he was too much of a wimp to get out of the marriage he said he had never wanted to be in.

 

After awhile, I realized he was *not* the man I thought he was. And he didn't make me a better person, like I thought he had. "Better" people don't have affairs with their married mentors. I started to feel slimy and guilty and depressed, and we would have volitile fights about everything from where I was going with my friends (God forbid I should go do something fun with my friends where other SINGLE guys my own age might be, who could snatch me away from him), to when or if he was ever really going to get divorced. It was a horrible situation, and I don't know how it seemed so beautiful in the beginning. I guess the heart plays tricks on you when you really want to believe things are the way you want them to be.

 

Regardless I've learned that I shouldn't have been so swept up by a guy who inspired me to go trail running and write poetry and be better at my job. Sure, those would have been great qualities in a SINGLE man, but I was too love-blind to realize that this guy couldn't give me everything I needed (which was everything, not the-part-that-isn't-still-married). I should have already been in love with myself and pushing myself to do inpsirational things and proud of my accomplishments at work instead of weary about all that I didn't know. I should have realized that no first-year associate is going to know everything a partner does, and that I did NOT need help from someone who was primarily motivated by something other than the intellect and drive he professed to admire. I've learned that love has to come from within me or I will seek it from the wrong places. I won't be fooled again because I won't *need* to feel so loved -- I'll already love myself. No one is ever again going to make me feel like I need to be with them because they tell me what I already know -- he's right, I *am* driven and motivated and ambitious and incredible. I am waaaay too all-of-those-things to stay involved with a married man.

[frannie]

... The problem, I realized later, was that I *wasn't* special....

 

... I've learned that I shouldn't have been so swept up by a guy who inspired me to go trail running and write poetry and be better at my job. Sure, those would have been great qualities in a SINGLE man...

 

 

nadia you are all those things without any man, single or married or anything else. Of course you're special (though I can't believe you wrote that above meaning 'I'm not special'!).

 

And to go back to your OP, yes you did exactly the right thing. But everyone else has already covered that! You're wondering whether you were 'too hard' on him, but if you're anything like you seem, you were probably way too soft... especially considering how manipulative he's been.

[Meaplus3]

My xMM has been repeatedly contacting me despite my asking for NC. He kept calling me this weekend, and saying "I know I'm not supposed to be calling you, I'm sorry, but I have one further question, if you can bear to let me ask you one more favor..."

 

I didn't call him and eventually I stopped listening to his VMs. Today he was at the office when I went in, and he told me that the reason he was calling me was to ask me if I would tell him if I start seeing someone else. He called me a "serial monogamist" and said he just wants to hear about "my new boyfriend" from me instead of through the grapevine. He also said it would be "horrible" to run into me and another guy somewhere, and knowing ahead of time would help him be able to compose himself better if that happens. (I would just like to add that I'm in my mid-twenties and he's in his upper-forties, and he rarely goes to any of the places I used to go before I met him, therefore, it's highly doubtful that I would run into him if I were to go on a "date" with anyone anywhere near my same age. LOL)

 

I was so confused and didn't know what to say. I finally told him no, I cannot tell him if I start seeing someone else, because I am cutting all emotional ties to him, and that reporting to him when I go on a date is an emotional tie. I said I feel that a relationship I wanted to have but couldn't have has been controlling my life for the past 8 months, and I no longer want it to have any control over my decisions. I said I can't feel obligated to him for anything at all, and even telling him if I'm dating someone feels like an obligation. I said it sounds like another attempt of his to see if I'm still waiting for him while he gets divorced, and I can't see how that information could do him any good, especially when he says he's not getting divorced for me. I also said that every time I talk to him he has a way of making me feel bad about myself, like calling me a "serial monogamist" while asking me to let him know when I start seeing "the next guy" (I am NOT like that, I guess he called me that because I was engaged before. I don't know.)

 

He apologized for making me upset (and he also said, "I'm sorry you feel you need to cut all emotional ties with me"), and said he still has such strong feelings for me and this is so hard on him. I said, "you need to start getting rid of your strong feelings for me. And please don't call me or talk to me about anything that's not work-related."

 

Was I too harsh??! I feel like I was a cold B-ioch to him. I just didn't know what to do. He seems to always have a way to make me feel tied to him and every time I talk to him I feel yucky. Thinking of having to go "report" to him if I go on a date with someone is not something I want to do. Yet I can see how he would rather hear it from me than through the grapevine. (Ironically, he said his W asked him the very same thing when he first moved out of their house -- "are you seeing someone? I don't care but I would rather hear it from you than through the grapevine, or see you out somewhere with someone by surprise" (which was a lot more likely in that case b/c he took me to places he liked to go, where I'm sure she would be more likely to be at than he would be at places I like to go). He answered her that he wasn't seeing someone (because, he said, "he didn't want to hurt her", but he's said before that if he told her he was seeing someone, she would file for divorce right away... so it makes me wonder that maybe he didn't tell her b/c he didn't really want to get divorced.) Now he asks me the same thing and I am saying no b/c I don't want to hurt *myself* anymore.

 

Did I do the right thing? Part of me wants to call and apologize to him for being so harsh and saying that out of respect for what we had together, I will let him know if I start seriously seeing another person, so that he can hear it from me instead of someone neither of us knows. But then I think, I don't have much respect for what we had together, because all we had was an A, even though from the beginning he tried to tell me it was something magical and different. And I also don't think I should call him right after I told him to never call me again... wouldn't that be sending mixed messages? I really want to get the point across that he needs to stop calling, texting, and emailing me.

 

 

You did do the right thing now stick with it! You do not need to apologize to him whatsoever. The fact that he want's to know if your involved with another man? What a creep! Your better of without him! Good Luck.

 

AP:)

[nadiaj2727]

Thank you answerplease and everyone else for your advice & support. I agree, it shouldn't be all about him (me not dating other men, etc.), he should care about what's best for me, but he doesn't seem to. At least he is finally not calling/ texting me constantly. That's a step.