mopar crazy Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 FOW to a man in a CR (they lived together). I never told her, why would I? Even when our R ended I didn't feel the need to tell her. I figured she would find out eventually. Besides, I wasn't the only OW he had. He said that he did tell her about me but I don't know if he really did. As a FBW, the xOW never admitted to the A. I called her three times and each time she said they were just friends. It was my H that told me about the A. If my H had an A I would want to know. I wouldn't want to know from the OW but if it was the only way to find out I wouldn't care if she told me.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Here's an interesting question for you; if given the chance would you tell W? Why do I ask? I'm currently the OW, but in my previous relationship was the one being cheated on. Eventually (2yrs) my ex felt guilty enough to come clean with his OW that he had been in another relationship the whole time. She didn't tell me, but she messaged me in a way that gave me a hint something was going on. Eventually he confessed and after trying to work things out I broke up with him. IF SHE HADN'T MESSAGED ME I WOULD HAVE MARRIED THIS GUY UNKNOWINGLY. Anyway at the time I wished one of his friends would have told me or that anyone would have told me what was going on so that I didn't waste almost 3 years on this loser. In this hypothetical situation the A is over and telling the W wouldn't be out of spite to MM. Rather it would be that she could know the truth because sometimes the W really doesn't know (I didn't). Do you think telling would be based on her personality? Would you tell a mutual friend so its not coming from you? Do you think she should know so that they can work on their problems or she has a choice whether or not to leave? I would never tell the W...and if she came to me asking questions, I'd tell her to talk to him...
Tomcat33 Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Sorry Tomcat, should end my thoughts! I was wondering if MM and W still reconciled or if, by exposing him without her having to 'find out' for herself, she was able to see his true colors and move on to something better herself. Sorry for my ignorance of your situation....I don't remember reading how the situation ever ended other than the NC part. Oh that's what you meant It's ok you don't need to apologise for not knowing my situation, it's been a while you wouldn't know about it unless you read all my past history. I'm glad you don't remember it actually I get tired of hearing it myself...blaahhh blaaahh.. But to answer your question, they were legally seperated and we started dating everyone knew about our rel. except for her. She had us followed well into us being together so she found out on her own terms. I wan't the one to tell her about us, that was not my place to do that. I respected his wishes for not wanting to tell her even though I did not agree, but her not knowing did not affect my relationship with him since our rel was a normal one in practice minues the fact he was still married he was legally separated. When I confronted her, he and I had broken up and unbeknownst to me he moved back in with her. I agreed to see him because he made me think he was till living on his own. But when I saw him he confessed the truth and so because I could not understand why if several months after we had broken up he came to look for me if he had already moved back to be with her again I called her to let her know he was lying to the two of us at this point. And to answer your question I don't know what happened except for the fact that he still claims he is having a crap life, misses me every single day, is still deeply in love with me. Go figure...pfft I know that was a bit confusing without the explanation
frannie Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Here's an interesting question for you; if given the chance would you tell W?... In this hypothetical situation the A is over and telling the W wouldn't be out of spite to MM. Rather it would be that she could know the truth because sometimes the W really doesn't know (I didn't). Do you think telling would be based on her personality? Would you tell a mutual friend so its not coming from you? Do you think she should know so that they can work on their problems or she has a choice whether or not to leave? I don't think so no. While I'm in the affair, I don't see any reason to tell her. I think it should be down to him whether/if he tells her about it. If I was thinking of a future with him, why would I go behind his back and take that decision unilaterally over something so important to him..? Not the ideal way to run a relationship. If the affair was over, I wouldn't have a reason to tell her either. Assuming it all comes to an end without any major bangs, and is a mutual decision, blah blah then why would I be bothered about a woman I didn't know, in a relationship I have no real insight into and never have had? I couldn't judge her personality or whether she'd like to know or not. He might go on to give up on cheating forever, and make a good husband at last, and perhaps eventually tell her one day (or not)... not my business. No more than I'd like him going behind my back and interfering with things that are none of his business, either now, and especially not if we were over. That would be out of order. Now, if he somehow really made me MAD... I found out he'd been lying to me... etc. etc. I'd like to think that I wouldn't try to mess his life up for him. But I can't count on it. That's just me being honest here. The only reason I'd try to hold back from telling her would be that I wouldn't want to hurt her unnecessarily... that might sound like nonsense coming from an OW and probably is, but I don't want to think that my telling would lead to the kind of pain and misery I read about from BSs. I'd hope I could walk away and leave them to it. I don't know. Hopefully.
Meaplus3 Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Here's an interesting question for you; if given the chance would you tell W? Why do I ask? I'm currently the OW, but in my previous relationship was the one being cheated on. Eventually (2yrs) my ex felt guilty enough to come clean with his OW that he had been in another relationship the whole time. She didn't tell me, but she messaged me in a way that gave me a hint something was going on. Eventually he confessed and after trying to work things out I broke up with him. IF SHE HADN'T MESSAGED ME I WOULD HAVE MARRIED THIS GUY UNKNOWINGLY. Anyway at the time I wished one of his friends would have told me or that anyone would have told me what was going on so that I didn't waste almost 3 years on this loser. In this hypothetical situation the A is over and telling the W wouldn't be out of spite to MM. Rather it would be that she could know the truth because sometimes the W really doesn't know (I didn't). Do you think telling would be based on her personality? Would you tell a mutual friend so its not coming from you? Do you think she should know so that they can work on their problems or she has a choice whether or not to leave? Well I did have the chance to tell the W when she came out and asked me directly "What has gone on between you and my H"? I did not tell her then because it was late at night we had to many drink's while all hanging out as couples, I did not feel it was appropriate at all. I thought about it the next day and realized that I could not tell her. After a few month's of strict NC I starting thinking mabey she should know how he emotinally rapes woman? Mabey she should have the chance to work on their issues? And my final decesion is NO I can't DO it and won't, it's just not my place to do so. AP:)
Babybird Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Where were your thoughts while the A was going well? I bet no thoughts whatsoever were there to tell his wife while the A was in full swing. It seems when the A changes, OW is unhappy and the A isn't going as well, only THEN those thoughts of telling come to mind. It's his marriage, his decision to tell her. So, are you looking to tell so you can have him for yourself? Or for the A to completely end. Well put and my thoughts exactly!
Recommended Posts