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Posted

Here's an interesting question for you; if given the chance would you tell W?

 

Why do I ask? I'm currently the OW, but in my previous relationship was the one being cheated on. Eventually (2yrs) my ex felt guilty enough to come clean with his OW that he had been in another relationship the whole time. She didn't tell me, but she messaged me in a way that gave me a hint something was going on. Eventually he confessed and after trying to work things out I broke up with him. IF SHE HADN'T MESSAGED ME I WOULD HAVE MARRIED THIS GUY UNKNOWINGLY.

 

Anyway at the time I wished one of his friends would have told me or that anyone would have told me what was going on so that I didn't waste almost 3 years on this loser.

 

In this hypothetical situation the A is over and telling the W wouldn't be out of spite to MM. Rather it would be that she could know the truth because sometimes the W really doesn't know (I didn't).

 

Do you think telling would be based on her personality? Would you tell a mutual friend so its not coming from you? Do you think she should know so that they can work on their problems or she has a choice whether or not to leave?

Posted

Where were your thoughts while the A was going well? I bet no thoughts whatsoever were there to tell his wife while the A was in full swing. It seems when the A changes, OW is unhappy and the A isn't going as well, only THEN those thoughts of telling come to mind.

 

It's his marriage, his decision to tell her.

 

So, are you looking to tell so you can have him for yourself? Or for the A to completely end.

  • Author
Posted

WWIU - so I don't know who my MM's wife is or where they live nor would I know how to get in touch with her - my question is a hypothetical to see what other people in the forum think

 

Also my A isn't over - heck it hasn't even started - maybe re-read my post to understand the Q

Posted
In this hypothetical situation the A is over and telling the W wouldn't be out of spite to MM. Rather it would be that she could know the truth because sometimes the W really doesn't know (I didn't).

 

No. I've had numerous As with MM, and each time I've dumped the MM and moved on I've simply erased him from my mind. I've never felt any motivation to tell the W either out of spite or out of concern - I've regarded the M as none of my business, and left it at that.

 

One of the W found out after the A was over (though she didn't know it was over) and it exploded horribly with both her and MM losing their jobs and having to leave the country. It would have been far better for them had she not come to hear of it.

 

Another W landed up working with a friend of mine who suspected about the A (MM was always hanging around my office at work, with no real reason to be there) but friend also chose to say nothing as W seemed so completely smitten with MM and friend knew it would cause problems. Perhaps the problems were already there, and the W just didn't know, but it's hard to know.

 

My xH "cheated" on his first W, and on his OW, but not on me. But the number of people who felt they had to warn me about his "compulsive cheating" was amazing! They were very weirded out by my not being concerned - especially when I told them I didn't care, he was free to do so as I had no intention of being "faithful" myself and fair's fair. I resented their interference and through that the "warning" was just *****stirring as no one has any idea what goes on in a M besides the people involved.

Posted

When I had my chance to tell the wife the truth I lied instead as I was hoping that MM would come back to me.

 

If I had my chance again and could turn back the clock - or if she ever calls me again, I'll probably tell her to take a seat and tell her everything. Still my situation is different from most and I discovered what a big fat lier my MM was and thats why I'd do it differently now. At the time I felt it was his call - his place and his business.

 

Now I'd like to ensure he is forever miserable.

Posted

I think when MM sweet talks an OW into his life, then he has made the M her business.

 

To say "the M is not my business" when you are smack dab in the middle of it, is illogical.

 

I don't see how this can be used as an excuse.

 

I personally think all OW's should tell the W. I mean really..who wouldn't want to know this? Maybe a very small percentage don't, but I'll bet the bank that most would.

Posted

child_of_isis wrote:

I personally think all OW's should tell the W. I mean really..who wouldn't want to know this? Maybe a very small percentage don't, but I'll bet the bank that most would.

 

I agree. I would want to know if my H cheated on me. I would definitely want to hear it from HIM, but if he isn't man enough to tell me, and I heard it from his OW, I would DEFINITELY know what to do... say, "Thank you honey for being so kind as to clue me in on what my lying cheating sack of sh*& husband has been doing behind my back. If you want him, you can have him, I'm headed over to file for divorce right now."

 

I'm not saying that all BS should leave their H but if I had to hear of his A from his OW instead of from him, I would never listen to another word that came out of his mouth and I wouldn't give him the chance to repair the M... he had his chance and he didn't take it, by not being honest with me before I found out some other way.

Posted
I think when MM sweet talks an OW into his life, then he has made the M her business.

 

To say "the M is not my business" when you are smack dab in the middle of it, is illogical.

 

I don't see how this can be used as an excuse.

 

I personally think all OW's should tell the W. I mean really..who wouldn't want to know this? Maybe a very small percentage don't, but I'll bet the bank that most would.

 

I was going to post something similar but was scared to - I think that even though I didnt know he was married it did indeed become my business when he became involved with me. I hear time and time again that its "their" business and nothing to do with me - but I dont really think that makes sense either.

Posted

When I was with MM I didn't want to tell W anything, actually MM and I discussed how we would never tell our spouses of the affair, we would D our spouses and then start dating afterwards. My MM and I broke up, in part because I found out I wasn't his first affair, but his 4th, and that he sleeps with prostitutes when on business trips (of course he says that this is not true, but it is and he is a lying dirt bag)...

 

So now I would like the W to know, only for the fact that I believe her health is in danger (I know for a fact, trying to get that man to use protection is quite a challenge) unless of course he actually told the truth for once in our R and they don't sleep together...

 

Would she believe me? (or think I am trying to steal her H)

Would she care? (from what MM tells me, she is there for $, and don't sleep with him)

 

I wish there was a way for her to know and have it not come from me; but I don't see that happening so I try not to worry about it

  • Author
Posted
No. I've had numerous As with MM, and each time I've dumped the MM and moved on I've simply erased him from my mind. I've never felt any motivation to tell the W either out of spite or out of concern - I've regarded the M as none of my business, and left it at that.

 

One of the W found out after the A was over (though she didn't know it was over) and it exploded horribly with both her and MM losing their jobs and having to leave the country. It would have been far better for them had she not come to hear of it.

 

My follow up question would be what was the end of the story for both of them? I think when I was going through the break up I said many times I wish I never found out. But now? I am so thankful to be free of him. OUr relationship would have ended in divorce for sure. (Which I'm betting would have been even more painful).

 

The OW in our relationship was just as hurt as me - she converted religions and dropped out of school.

 

The one thing I notice about the posts - those that think "yes" no one has actually done it. But of course, it is so hard to tell someone what could be the worst news they've ever gotten. What do you think would help those of us that know what is going on clue the other person in?

 

Me and a good friend of mine in a similar situation found out on Facebook (social network). Do you think it would be easier for you to tell her through some 3rd party means?

Posted

Yeah I did it but she already knew we had been together so it wasn't like I was the one who broke the news that he was cheating. It was a big surprise thought that he had come to see me after he promised her he would never contact me again. "Well what did you expect? You took back a man who cheated and betrayed you of course he was going to do it again."

 

The call shed light to the fact that he had told her he had cut all contact with me since we broke up, straight up lies because he had very much been in contact with me the whole time, I had no idea he had moved back home to be with her though.

 

Of course it was all lies since he continued to contact me and continued to pursue me even after he moved back home to work on the marriage and ending our rel. so she was lied to and so was I and I wanted to blow his cover.

 

 

I told her I wanted nothing more to do with your pathological liar of a H, she proceeded to tell me "good now you'll be out of the picture for good"

 

Silly woman, he continues to contact me and refuses to stay out of my life, she was so happy I would be out her H's life but little does she want to know that HE is the one who still insists on being in my life.

The enemy is right inside her own house.

 

sad

Posted
Here's an interesting question for you; if given the chance would you tell W?

 

Why do I ask? I'm currently the OW, but in my previous relationship was the one being cheated on. Eventually (2yrs) my ex felt guilty enough to come clean with his OW that he had been in another relationship the whole time. She didn't tell me, but she messaged me in a way that gave me a hint something was going on. Eventually he confessed and after trying to work things out I broke up with him. IF SHE HADN'T MESSAGED ME I WOULD HAVE MARRIED THIS GUY UNKNOWINGLY.

 

Anyway at the time I wished one of his friends would have told me or that anyone would have told me what was going on so that I didn't waste almost 3 years on this loser.

 

In this hypothetical situation the A is over and telling the W wouldn't be out of spite to MM. Rather it would be that she could know the truth because sometimes the W really doesn't know (I didn't).

 

Do you think telling would be based on her personality? Would you tell a mutual friend so its not coming from you? Do you think she should know so that they can work on their problems or she has a choice whether or not to leave?

 

I would never ever tell the W... I don't think it is MY business to decide whether SHE should know or not... If they have problems, I'm sure they know about it.. if they choose not to work on them... I will not FORCE them to... Their business... not mine.

 

Plus, I am convinced that MOST MM cheat.. so if there is a problem, she should know that he is probably cheating.. :p

Posted

ooops wrong thread post and now I cannot delete this post....

 

 

carry on my children.

Posted

No...in my particular case I would not tell the W.

 

Why? Because she is very aware of several of MM's prior indiscretions (ranging from flirting, to flings, to full blown 2 year A) and she has forgiven every time. She makes comments and excuses for MM like "as soon as I found out she (OW) was gone!" and "They meant nothing to him" and "He's changed because he knows I will leave" when in reality EVERYONE including MM knows she will not ever leave. Telling her would hurt her, it would cause problems in their M and it would certainly end our relationship BUT it would change NOTHING in terms of her decision to stay or leave - its a 'been there/done that' situation; she knows he cheats, she continues to stay and she feels the blame lies mostly with the OP and not MM, who she continually forgives! Why tell?

 

The only time I can see telling W when it would not mean suicide for OW (and the only time OW may be believed by BS without MM being able to spin the story in another direction) would be if MM deceived OW into a relationship stating he was single/available. When OW finds out the difference, I think she has EVERY right to tell BS what happened.

Posted
I would never ever tell the W... I don't think it is MY business to decide whether SHE should know or not... If they have problems, I'm sure they know about it.. if they choose not to work on them... I will not FORCE them to... Their business... not mine.

 

Plus, I am convinced that MOST MM cheat.. so if there is a problem, she should know that he is probably cheating.. :p

 

 

Hey Liz I can see that in your case, you really have no reason at all to blow these men's cover. They don't lie to you they come to you with everything out in the open so there is no anymosity or surprises along the way. It's not like these men promise you something they don't later deliver. It would be in very poor taste to turn around and tell their wives that they were with you.

 

But in the case of some OW these guys don't come clean and they promise things that they later flake out on and so the tension builds and then you have your big surprises that lead to revenge etc. You can kind of see why women would think of blowing these guys covers, whether they do or not is another story but I find it undestandable some would entertain this notion.

Posted

I don't think a 3rd party is a good idea. I think this should be done face to face if possible.

 

 

If an OW were to come to me and tell me, then she would be safe. If she didn't, and I had to find out everything on my own, I would see things a bit differently.

 

Sometimes (not all) I get the feeling that (some) OW's don't tell W's because they are afraid of the repercussions. Well, I see the repercussions as being more severe if you don't.

 

IMO, this is how/why MM get by with the crap. They convince OW that W is crazy, OW becomes afraid and begins the "it's not my business" rationalization.

 

Also, if you tell W, then MM cannot one up ya and get by with the "OW is psycho and chased me down til I tripped" crapola....

 

So, by telling W, the OW is stripping power from MM.

 

The women now have it.

 

Me and a good friend of mine in a similar situation found out on Facebook (social network). Do you think it would be easier for you to tell her through some 3rd party means?

Posted
I don't think a 3rd party is a good idea. I think this should be done face to face if possible.

 

 

If an OW were to come to me and tell me, then she would be safe. If she didn't, and I had to find out everything on my own, I would see things a bit differently.

 

Sometimes (not all) I get the feeling that (some) OW's don't tell W's because they are afraid of the repercussions. Well, I see the repercussions as being more severe if you don't.

 

IMO, this is how/why MM get by with the crap. They convince OW that W is crazy, OW becomes afraid and begins the "it's not my business" rationalization.

 

Also, if you tell W, then MM cannot one up ya and get by with the "OW is psycho and chased me down til I tripped" crapola....

 

So, by telling W, the OW is stripping power from MM.

 

The women now have it.

 

 

That's true. I wanted her to know most of all that HE had pursued me even when I tried to break it off many times he would show up on my doorstep. She listened attentively. Whether it hit home or not I am not sure but it was very empowering to let her know that he was guilty as charged there was not "rapeing" of her H. At that very moment I felt like I finally had my moment to let her know what was what from my point of view not the point of view of all the possible lies he must have told her...

Posted
Hey Liz I can see that in your case, you really have no reason at all to blow these men's cover. They don't lie to you they come to you with everything out in the open so there is no anymosity or surprises along the way. It's not like these men promise you something they don't later deliver. It would be in very poor taste to turn around and tell their wives that they were with you.

 

But in the case of some OW these guys don't come clean and they promise things that they later flake out on and so the tension builds and then you have your big surprises that lead to revenge etc. You can kind of see why women would think of blowing these guys covers, whether they do or not is another story but I find it undestandable some would entertain this notion.

 

Yes I can see that some OW would want to have some kind of revenge..but I still think it's wrong.... I see it too much like a 'revenge' than any other thing... I doubt that telling the W is something the OW does for the 'benefit' of the W... it is more to hurt the MM.

Posted

Tomcat: So, I'm curious, after you told W, what happened to MM?

Posted
Tomcat: So, I'm curious, after you told W, what happened to MM?

 

 

Not sure I understood the question? what do you mean what happened to him?

Posted
Yes I can see that some OW would want to have some kind of revenge..but I still think it's wrong.... I see it too much like a 'revenge' than any other thing... I doubt that telling the W is something the OW does for the 'benefit' of the W... it is more to hurt the MM.

 

 

Well I don't know if it benefitted her or not but I did want to demask him once and for all and I wanted to let her know he was lying to both of us.

Remeber he was seperated and living on his own when I broke up with him it's not like they were living together and we were having an A.

So she needed to know that though he had moved back home he was still lying to her and me.

 

 

More importantly I wanted her to know I wanted nothing more to do with her H. I wanted him out of my life for good. So if going foward she caught him in anything it would be 100% his doing, nothing I wanted a part of anymore.

Posted
Here's an interesting question for you; if given the chance would you tell W?

 

Why do I ask? I'm currently the OW, but in my previous relationship was the one being cheated on. Eventually (2yrs) my ex felt guilty enough to come clean with his OW that he had been in another relationship the whole time. She didn't tell me, but she messaged me in a way that gave me a hint something was going on. Eventually he confessed and after trying to work things out I broke up with him. IF SHE HADN'T MESSAGED ME I WOULD HAVE MARRIED THIS GUY UNKNOWINGLY.

 

Anyway at the time I wished one of his friends would have told me or that anyone would have told me what was going on so that I didn't waste almost 3 years on this loser.

 

In this hypothetical situation the A is over and telling the W wouldn't be out of spite to MM. Rather it would be that she could know the truth because sometimes the W really doesn't know (I didn't).

 

Do you think telling would be based on her personality? Would you tell a mutual friend so its not coming from you? Do you think she should know so that they can work on their problems or she has a choice whether or not to leave?

Hi Indianlover,

 

I wouldn't because I just couldn't hurt her. It would turn her whole world upside down. They're just now enjoying their early retirement and she has a lot on her plate. I'm not going to give him an ultimatum, so she has no need to know.

 

Now, if I thought for one second that my MM was a serial cheater, well then, everyone in town would be told! I recently had a bad feeling about something, and it got me wondering. Well, I discovered that I could believe in him if it were only the two of us in this together, but not if he had a wandering eye.

 

I'm sure BSs reading this would say, 'well his eye wandered to you, didn't it?", but it really has felt like our own unique story, one that we both fought against for a very long time; a story of soulmates that have waited a lifetime to find each other only to share love together for a short time on earth. It is wonderful in that context. If I ever find out he's serial, it all comes out!

 

Are you hoping he'll leave her for you? I'm not expecting this, so I wouldn't tell her.

  • Author
Posted

Are you hoping he'll leave her for you? I'm not expecting this, so I wouldn't tell her.

 

To be honest I don't know. We're not there yet. I think if I do have a full blown A with my MM I'd set ground rules. Something like "our relationship ends after our rendez-vous in some city 1 year from now."

 

Then if he happens to be D by then maybe I'll go for it, if not, thats it. But I don't want to put pressure on him to get D. If our relationship enlightens him to how unhappy he is then so be it, but I'm not going to point him in that direction. He's gotta want that for himself.

Posted

I think irrespective of whether the relationship is over or not, hearing the news of A from an OW or an ex-OW would be a big blow to the wife. I agree that the wife needs to know about the situation, and I think the best person who could tell her would be the H.

Posted
Not sure I understood the question? what do you mean what happened to him?

 

Sorry Tomcat, should end my thoughts!:rolleyes: I was wondering if MM and W still reconciled or if, by exposing him without her having to 'find out' for herself, she was able to see his true colors and move on to something better herself. Sorry for my ignorance of your situation....I don't remember reading how the situation ever ended other than the NC part.

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