Going crazy!! :( (long, sorry)

[kittensmittens]

I feel like I'm going insane! I can't stop crying! It's really beginning to sink in that he's not coming back. He's crazy about HER now, not me. I can just hear all the things he's telling her....."well at least something good came out of moving to this town...I almost thought I wasted the last 2 1/2 years here" (he moved there to live w/ me). Or telling her how wonderful and perfect she is and acting so amazed and fascinated by her. I can't stop thinking about how she's probably perfect for him. He has the novelty and excitement of something new....why would he come back to me?? EVEN if by some miracle she dumped him on his ass right now??? He wouldn't. He just wouldn't. It's tearing me apart and I feel like I'm at my breaking point. I don't know how to go on.

 

I feel very much like there is nothing that makes me happy anymore. I know I should go out and find new things that make me happy, but nothing does it for me. All the dorky (and some not so dorky) things that we shared together made me genuinely HAPPY. I can't enjoy them anymore. They just make me sad now and miss him more. And it's just not the same without him there anyway.

 

For instance, he was the biggest video game geek EVER. I like video games, but not as much as he did (I don't think anyone can). I have some games of my own, a psp, and a broken DS. That's it. All of my games were aquired through him and I played them on his consoles. Even if turning on one of "our" games didn't feel like shards of glass, I wouldn't have the means to anyway. And the psp has a picture on it (on the main screen when you turn it on) that he made for me that says "remember I'll always love you". It stays in the cabinent.

 

I have been avoiding Family Guy and Futurama like the plague, and I can't enjoy all the dorky little things I enjoyed before he came along and made them happier by enjoying them with me.

 

I think I really miss seeing the world through his eyes and I'm getting panicky that I'm losing that. He had a way of making cute things seems cuter (like babies and animals), and the finer details in life seem more intrigueing. He was the perfect balance of sensitive and "manly". He could be sensitive, caring, loving, doting, supportive, extremely comforting and gentle.......yet he was still very much a guy. He never cared about things like makeup and clothes or stains on shirts or messy hair--I could be myself around him. But he still always noticed and always appreciated it when I did get dressed up. He wasn't even grossed out by hairy legs or bad breath--not that I ever pushed it with this, but it was nice to feel that comfortable and accepted by someone.

 

How am I ever going to find this again?? He was perfect for me in too many ways. I feel so hopeless. I feel like I'm the one who is sitting around missing him beyond control and he's the one who has someone new. Obviously this must be MY loss.

 

I know there have to be things that are terribly wrong about him--everyone keeps telling me so. They keep insisting that it would have come to this anyway, that he can't stay committed to one person forever, that he's manipulative, dishonest, fake, self righteous, a bull-****ter, lazy and ambitionless, and that if he hasn't cheated already he will. And these are people who haven't 'shared notes', who are saying the same things. Some of it I can't deny, but other things I explain away or blame myself. I blame myself a lot. And the good things always become more important than the bad.

 

I remember we would go through periods where he wouldn't speak to me for a couple of weeks (we lived together so it was hell) and I'd be on the edge of my seat waiting to find out if he was going to dump me (yet again). He would be very cold and not even say hello most of the time and he would sleep in the other room. Other people tell me this is mentally abusive. But it seems it was usually in response to something I had said or done. Still, everyone insisted that "the punishment outweighed the crime". I don't even know anymore. I'm so confused. I still blame myself. At first I was a little bit relieved to have stability back in my life, at least (I was never sure when I would have to move out...and it was always me who had to go). But now I just think I caused all those times and we would have been happier if I hadn't been the one to **** things up. IS what he did wrong?? Should I be glad to be rid of him? Or am I to blame?

 

All I know anymore is that I wake up thinking about something he used to do, some way he would smile at me, how he would always rest his hand on my leg when we were driving in the car, and now all those dreams of us together again are coming back.....it's KILLING ME. This pain is just too much to bear.

[marley_86]

You're ex sounds a lot like mine. A wonderful guy, until he leaves for another girl. Its been 5 months and i'm still bitter. All i suggest is time, and go into NC.

It will hurt so bad for a long time, until one day you wake up and realize the mistake was on him. And from the way he treated you sometimes, makes me think he liked to be in control, and was naturally a mean spirted person.

I had heard all those characteristics about my ex, but i never believed it until way later. I thought for the longest time it was my fault, if only i was more outgoing, and loved to drink and dance. But i can't change who i was, and neither can you.

I still hoping that somehow pain will come to him, but i'm not focussed on him anymore all the time.

Everything you had with this guy you will find with someone else, minus the NC while you lived together.

[k10k]

Hi Kitten,

 

.. big hug to you.. so sorry you're feeling like this today, not that it's any help, but I'm too having a hard time today. Letting go of someone you love is really hard, especially when you miss them so terribly.. trust me, I know the feeling.. especially when the little reminders are everywhere.

 

 

How am I ever going to find this again?? He was perfect for me in too many ways. I feel so hopeless. I feel like I'm the one who is sitting around missing him beyond control and he's the one who has someone new. Obviously this must be MY loss.

 

I know it feels like you'll never find another relationship/partner like the one you had, I feel the exact same way sometimes, ... but I promise you, one day you WILL, and you'll look back to this and realise that your new relationship is 10x better and that your new partner will be even MORE perfect than your ex.

Maybe try to think of all the good things about you that HE IS LOSING. All the positive qualities you have - all the things that you have to offer someone, all the things that you can learn from this, all the things that you can do to make you an even better person - think of the amazing partner you will attract in the future..

You WILL find happiness again, and you WILL find new things to enjoy. I know you've probably heard this a million times, and what I'm saying doesn't take the pain away. Love yourself and dream of the happy future that you deserve .. it's just around the corner

[carrotgirl]

I know there have to be things that are terribly wrong about him--everyone keeps telling me so. They keep insisting that it would have come to this anyway, that he can't stay committed to one person forever, that he's manipulative, dishonest, fake, self righteous, a bull-****ter, lazy and ambitionless, and that if he hasn't cheated already he will. And these are people who haven't 'shared notes', who are saying the same things. Some of it I can't deny, but other things I explain away or blame myself. I blame myself a lot. And the good things always become more important than the bad.

 

I remember we would go through periods where he wouldn't speak to me for a couple of weeks (we lived together so it was hell) and I'd be on the edge of my seat waiting to find out if he was going to dump me (yet again). He would be very cold and not even say hello most of the time and he would sleep in the other room. Other people tell me this is mentally abusive. But it seems it was usually in response to something I had said or done. Still, everyone insisted that "the punishment outweighed the crime". I don't even know anymore. I'm so confused. I still blame myself. At first I was a little bit relieved to have stability back in my life, at least (I was never sure when I would have to move out...and it was always me who had to go). But now I just think I caused all those times and we would have been happier if I hadn't been the one to **** things up. IS what he did wrong?? Should I be glad to be rid of him? Or am I to blame?

 

Kit, the behavior you're describing really is abuse. Your friends are right. There is nothing you could have done that would have made getting this kind of treatment appropriate or acceptable in any relationship.

 

You could be sad that what was familiar to you is now lost, but perhaps you could feel some relief that you're not stuck for good with someone who mistreated you. No one deserves that.

 

Try and spend time with your friends. They sound like they're good people to be around.

 

Carrot

[hopeforlove243]

You're ex sounds a lot like mine. A wonderful guy, until he leaves for another girl. Its been 5 months and i'm still bitter. All i suggest is time, and go into NC.

It will hurt so bad for a long time, until one day you wake up and realize the mistake was on him. And from the way he treated you sometimes, makes me think he liked to be in control, and was naturally a mean spirted person.

I had heard all those characteristics about my ex, but i never believed it until way later. I thought for the longest time it was my fault, if only i was more outgoing, and loved to drink and dance. But i can't change who i was, and neither can you.

I still hoping that somehow pain will come to him, but i'm not focussed on him anymore all the time.

Everything you had with this guy you will find with someone else, minus the NC while you lived together.

 

Oh man, I still think it was part of my fault, just like you, if only I can drink and dance, if only I like to put make up on, he would still be mine. We shared a million other things in common, and I started golfing because he likes it, and I was willing to take a dance class with him, yet, he left me

[AriaIncognito]

You could be sad that what was familiar to you is now lost, but perhaps you could feel some relief that you're not stuck for good with someone who mistreated you. No one deserves that.

 

 

This is exactly how I feel about my ex situation. There are tons of things that remind me of him. Yesterday, a song came on while I was in a clothing store that reminds me of him and i said out loud "kill me why don't you" and then I carried on looking at the clothes and tried to drown out the song. I miss the dorky things we had. I miss the conversations and the physicality of being "together"

 

What i dont miss, however, are the mind games he played (unbeknownst to him) and how he'd be like a yo yo with his attention and affection. One time he went like 3 days without contacting me. No apparent reason. I had called him on friday and asked him if he wanted to get together that weekend. Instead of calling me back and saying no i'd like a little time to myself, he just disappeared for a few days. Finally on sunday evening, I called him and he was all well I figured either way you weren't going to like the answer so I just didn't call or something like that. How self centered and rude. All weekend I was upset over his behavior while he was out doing whatever.

 

I deserve better than someone who would treat me this way, and so you do.

[kittensmittens]

]Kit, the behavior you're describing really is abuse. Your friends are right. There is nothing you could have done that would have made getting this kind of treatment appropriate or acceptable in any relationship.

 

Thank you. I keep trying to tell myself that, but I just end up blaming myself. I mentioned in another post that I suffered w/ depression on and off and had a tendency to be jealous. I would make some jealous remark and that would send us into an 'ice age'. Or I would be clingy or sad or antisocial (or whatever else goes along w/ depression) and this would send us into one. I always, always, always blamed myself.

 

Everyone says that he'll do this eventually with the next girl, but I just don't know if I can believe it. It seems he was only this way when he had had enough of whatever it was I was doing. Maybe she won't be clingy or jealous. Maybe he won't have any reason to ignore her and threaten to dump her.

 

I know it feels like you'll never find another relationship/partner like the one you had, I feel the exact same way sometimes, ... but I promise you, one day you WILL, and you'll look back to this and realise that your new relationship is 10x better and that your new partner will be even MORE perfect than your ex.

 

Thank you. I just fear he was the right combination of all the right things....and that's what I'll never find again. I especially miss how doting and affectionate he could be. He would make up silly names for me, and tell me all the time that he loved me, that he thought I was beautiful, that he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world.....I don't think I'm ever going to find that level of affection again. It felt too good to be true, even after 4 years, and now I wonder if it really was. Or if it wasn't, he was a rare find that I've lost now.

 

I try to think of ways he wasn't perfect/could have been better....he never wanted to go anywhere with me, he was pretty much content with ONLY staying at home and playing video games. He was unwilling to go to counseling through the really hard times (and would get extremely pissed off when I asked...so I went alone). He kept saying he was going to go to school (in another state) and then wouldn't....and blamed me. He could be really lazy and let the place go to hell...and *guess who* got to clean it up. He WAS extremely self-righteous and could be very narrow minded....and turns out a lot of it was just hypocritical. He smoked like a chimney and stunk up my stuff (I don't smoke). He lived on little debbie snacks and sodas--w/ that kind of role model our children would probably have had type 2 diabetes by the time they hit age 5. He lied and told me he "hadn't been w/ anyone" when he tried to come back this last time--he volunteered this information himself after he had already posted in a blog all about how he slept w/ the neighbor. Oh, AND left pictures of her saved on MY computer. It is THIS that I use to remind myself that he IS a liar beyond any doubt.

 

I don't know where that last rant came from....but I think I feel about 1.5% better now from it.

 

I just don't get it though.....he started out sooo crazy about me. He did all the right things. He waited and waited for me to start dating him. He was sooo respectful and considerate. He would even help my mom w/ things around her house. Even in the end he was still opening car doors for me and telling me I'm beautiful. I just don't understand.

[kittensmittens]

I can't stop thinking about the beginning right now!!

 

I was doing a little better today but I just started working on a project and thought "ok, this is good, I'm keeping myself busy and distracted" and thoughts of 'us' and the beginning are just taking over my brain. It was all SO special to me. I think I hang onto crap like that too much. He has a whole new beginning with someone else now and it's tearing me apart!

 

I want all those happy, innocent times to be special again and bring me happiness but I have to pretend they're just nothing.....another trivial part of my life....just so that I can function at minimum.

 

Was the beginning ever as special to him as it was/is to me?? Is this new beginning with her more special to him?? Ugh....this really is just a nightmare for me. For the past 4 years and especially through every break up, I thought that THIS could be the worst thing that could possibly happen. And here it is.

 

It's horrible.