brothermartin Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 O.K. Here's the score: This woman that I met a few years ago went out with me last night. I asked, but not for a real DATE, I was only looking for a hook-up and I told her that, but she didnt want that. But she still agreed to go out with me, as friends. So we went out, and thier was a very odvious sexual attraction between us, but I think she wants more than just sex! I explained to her before what I've been through lately with my ex and that Im not looking for another girlfriend now, I think she understood. I can see that we could have a really good friendship together, but I dont really want her as a girlfriend. She's divorced and has two kids, and Im not into the idea of being a fill-in/step-dad. Not that I dont like kids, I just dont want any. The parenting lifestyle dosent appeal to me, so Im stuck limiting myself from women with children as potential life partners. But Im really attracted to this woman, and I think she's really attracted to me. I know, Ill probably get labeled as a dog for just wanting sex, like most men do. I do want to have sex with her, yes. But her friendship seems more important to me. I dont do FWB, its never worked for me and I have no reason to think that it will now. And to be honest, Im too damn scared to let myself fall for her or any other woman right now. So, my question is: How do I keep my dog on his leash, get her to understand that I like her but I dont want her as a girlfriend without hurting her, and manitain a friendship with her? Told ya it was trouble!
pollywag Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Brothermartin, this is sister Pollywag to your service. Firstly, hey hey hey being labeled as a dog is not so bad!!! Secondly, in order to refrain from falling into further temptation with this woman you must move far away and not share with her your forwarding coordinates or the next time she calls you just say "sorry I don't speak English" in a normal english accent and hang up. Lastly with all the fish in the sea why are you looking to have sex with someone who's friendship you care about? If you really cared about your friendship with this woman you would not be allowing your uncontrollable lustful needs to get in the way of the frienship. My guess is that the friendship is not that important to you, but if I am wrong the next time you get the urge to think lustful thoughts of your friend think of hammers and mufflers and your parent's having SM sex.
Author brothermartin Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Thanks POLLYWAG. The thing is I didnt really know anything about her until last night. Now I can see that I would like to have her as a friend, before that, I was just physically attracted to her and wanted to do her. Besides that, Im still just a guy that wants sex. Now Im a guy that wants sex with this woman that wants sex with me that wants to be friends, maybe more! (whew) If the attraction was'nt there it would'nt be a problem. See?
pollywag Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 You're welcome my child. Mother Magdalen always tells us that honesty is the best policy because god is watching us. Mind you, thats usually after she has told us we were all out of chocolate cookies and proceeds to get up and we can see at least three melted cookies drop from inside her habit. But we play along, it's just easier on everyone. If you just realised now that you like this woman's friendship but are also like a randy little goat around her, you must be upfront with her. Tell her that you are not ready for anything serious, that you are not looking for a commited relationship and that you are fine as your are but that you would welcome her companionship as far as friends go. The rest will be left up to her, the ball will be in her court. BUT if you use cheap lines to get into her pants and lead her to believe you are interested in here in more than just friends to get your jollies all bets are off. That is a big no no and you will indeed be considered a bigger dog than even I am. And I am ALL dog. You can be friends let the chips fall where they may, you are both adults but you must not cross the line of pretending in order to get what you want. If you have to lie to get her to sleep with you then that is when you cross a morality line that you simply should not. Lastly, is it the fact that she has children that prevents you from getting close to her? All the other aspects seem there in order for her to be someone more than just a poke buddy. Sometimes it is better to let sleeping dogs lay, no pun intended....ok maybe a little teeny weeny pun was intended.
Author brothermartin Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 I have been upfront with her and she agrees that we should not get sex involved. Lastly, yes, its because she has kids that I wont let myself get too close. And no, I would never lie or play games to have my way with her, Im not like that. Even though I would like to have her as a,.."poke budy", im scared that she might want me as a boyfriend. I just dont want to hurt her.
compassion42 Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Find someone else to have sex with and keep this lady as your friend-that way you don't have to worry about taking advantage of her.
pollywag Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 I have been upfront with her and she agrees that we should not get sex involved. Lastly, yes, its because she has kids that I wont let myself get too close. And no, I would never lie or play games to have my way with her, Im not like that. Even though I would like to have her as a,.."poke budy", im scared that she might want me as a boyfriend. I just dont want to hurt her. Fear not for you already know the answer to your quandry, you know for certain that she wants more than just fwb so for heaven's sake find someone else to lust after. Bedding this woman will only end up hurting her since she will see it as a green light that you have considered her for more than just fwb. And you will feel terrible for being so selfish. That is called using someone, and just because someone is open and vulnerable that does not mean you should pounce on the opportunity to take advantage of them. I think you might be afraid of falling for her and not knowing what to do about the children situation. With all the women to have sex with why this one in particular? Think with your talking head my child.
Author brothermartin Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Easier said than done COMPASSION. Most of the women where I am are looking for thier next boyfriend/husband, and consider "just sex" beneath them or as a tool to catch the next boyfriend/husband. I have to be very careful as not to play or be played.
pollywag Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Forgive me for saying but what do you expect? Women are not jollie holes, they are human beings with their own set of needs wants and expectations. Try an adult dating site that caters to people seeking sex. Or pay for it. That way it is two concenting adults after what they want/need and no one is giving or getting more than what they want. No one's needs are being compromised in the process. Anything else is an overt attempt at crossing a line that one of the two people involved does not want to cross, and playing a blind eye to that. It means you jeapordize your needs, or she does.
Author brothermartin Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 I dont think its about just this one PLOOYWAG, it could be some other woman. Its just this one right now.
pollywag Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 PLOOYWAG!! It's a good thing you didn't call me POOYWAG. I understand, it sounds like you are going through a non-committal phase, that's ok. Just be upfront and you can get what you want but when a woman tells you flat out she doesn't wanna be just fwb then you can pretty much see where that is headed if you do proceed. It is going to be an uncomfortable situation the moment the deed is through. So you kind of know the outcome before you even take the situation on. There are some women out there who are going through non-committal phases as well, you just have to find them. Doesn't sound like this particular woman is one of them. You know falling in love with someone and having them fall in love with you is not worst thing in the world that can happen to you...just a thought.
Author brothermartin Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 PLOOYWAG!! It's a good thing you didn't call me POOYWAG. I understand, it sounds like you are going through a non-committal phase, that's ok. Just be upfront and you can get what you want but when a woman tells you flat out she doesn't wanna be just fwb then you can pretty much see where that is headed if you do proceed. It is going to be an uncomfortable situation the moment the deed is through. So you kind of know the outcome before you even take the situation on. There are some women out there who are going through non-committal phases as well, you just have to find them. Doesn't sound like this particular woman is one of them. You know falling in love with someone and having them fall in love with you is not worst thing in the world that can happen to you...just a thought. Yes, I know P O L L Y W A G. Ive always been straight with women when it came to what I wanted. Straight up-front before anything happened. A few of them listened, most did'nt. Thats part of the reason for the commital fears. I just talked to this woman tonight and we've come to a clear understanding. JUST FRIENDS, NO SEX. Thank you for your advice, but as far as being in love and being loved, its only left me with more scarrs and more issues. So I'll be flying solo for a while, and re-fueling in mid air from time to time. Thanks again.
jcster Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 So I'll be flying solo for a while, and re-fueling in mid air from time to time. That's a great way to put it! Do you mind if I borrow that analogy?
Author brothermartin Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 By all means, have at it!
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