Stuck-In-Limbo Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 My girlfriend and I of 4 and a half years recently decided to "take a break". It was about as mutual as it gets. The reasons were plenty, but mainly the problem was that she wasn't feeling loved and I was tired of hearing her tell me that she deserved better. I was completely devoted to the girl: we overcame long-distance through college; we shared every major experience up to this point in our lives. I would have given her everything that she wanted (move in together, marriage, etc), all she needed to do was give me just a little bit of time to get myself grounded after I graduated. It hurt so bad to be so devoted to someone and feel as though it is still not good enough. Near the end, she was actually saying to my face that “she deserves better”. It hurt so bad to hear that from the one I love. So we decided to take a break. It was very mutual. However, my expectations were that after a few weeks she would realize how good I was to her and she would change, or maybe I would realize the things that I needed to change. What I didn't expect to happen is what the reality is now. The night after we broke up, she called me, devastated, having a panic attack, and wanting me to go over and help calm her down. I couldn't rationally bring myself to go see her because I felt that it was her trying to stop the break from happening, and that we truly needed some time apart to make things work. It was so painful to know that my best friend was hurting though. She told me the next day that she actually had to call the paramedics. I felt so terrible. She was furious with me, and refused to take any of my calls over the next few days checking if she was ok. Eventually, we went back and forth a few times via email, and agreed to just take some serious time and then go back to being friends. I was still holding onto the hope that she would realize what she needed to change, and we could move forward together. I approached her about 2 and a half weeks after the initial break up with the intention of working things out now that I had taken some time to think, and I was devastated to see she had in many ways already moved on. As a matter of fact, when I went to see her she had to “leave early” to go see someone. It was very hard to comprehend. I realized that I had to salvage what was left of the relationship and go see her and profess my love. I wrote a nice letter, brought her a flower and read it to her. What I wrote wasn’t an admission that I would take the sole responsibility for the break-up on my shoulders, just that I was willing to change if she was as well. I was completely distraught when she didn’t reciprocate. No only that, but she dropped a massive bomb on me: she has hooked up with someone else in just the short time during our break. We finished our conversation in a mature fashion, and I told her that I was still willing to change and that I could look past the fact that she had done that. She told me that she needed time to think, and that she would still be willing to give us a second chance, but we needed to take it very slowly. After this I have slowly devolved into an emotional wreck, and I blame myself so much for what has happened. I would truly give anything to have it how it was before. She says that she wants to give us a second chance, but I am unsure of whether or not she means it. It is almost as if she has become a different person in order to get over the break-up. She has become very cold and brutally honest about how she doesn’t want to get back with me right now, but then she says that she does really want to give us a chance in the future. I have decided that I am not going to go crawling back to her on my stomach anymore, because she has complete power and control over me right now. Basically, I know that I need to move on, and I could do that, but like I said, I would give anything to be back with her again and have it the way it was. With everything that has happened, however, I feel like there would be so many hurdles for us to get over. I was always in control but it seems now that things have escalated so much they are no longer salvageable. I am still trying to comprehend the fact that she hooked up with a random guy right after we split, and I am trying to push it out of my mind. It is not like she cheated on me, we were on a break, but since I am still so much in love with her it definitely feels that way. It feels like if she hadn’t done that, things would more likely be salvageable, but it seems like such a major hurdle now. She has told me that we still have a chance, but she wants to take it really slow. I am scared of these new hurdles that have been created, and I am scared that if she takes this time she will move on for good. I want to win her back, but I want to win back the girl I used to know, it is almost like I don’t recognize this new girl anymore. So the question is, when the time comes, do we try to start new? And what do I do in the meantime? After all that has happened, will it make us stronger as a couple or has it destroyed any chance we have in the future?
Scorpio13c Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Hey Stuck, I'm sorry you're going through this turmoil, but i think what you want isn't possible right now. You say she isn't the same girl you loved anymore, well she probably isn't & you don't need that. If i were you, i would look at it as cheating, even though you were on a break, because not looking at it that way will keep you in limbo for a very long time. With limbo comes tremendous, yet undeserving, pain. I know you want another chance, but the girl you loved left you the day she hooked up with this other guy, she'll never be back, not the way she was to you anyway. Take some time for yourself now my friend, to accept it's over & get over her. Better now than later. Just remember, you're better than someone who'll only take scraps & that's all she seems willing to give you. YOU DON'T TAKE SCRAPS! Trust me, one day you'll be proud of yourself for moving on, when you're with your new model wife & three women at the office who wished they had you for themselves! Take care Scorp
rs.dallaire Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 I hear your pain and feel for you. The most common mistake that people like you and I make under such circumstances is to rationalize everything. Love is a very intense feeling and it has nothing to do with rationalization. You cannot convince or persuade her to have feelings for you, no matter how perfectly awesome your offer might be. When women are unhappy, they complain about a whole bunch of things, leading you to believe you did a number of things wrong. You probably did but the things that you did wrong are probably not what she complained about. I am guessing you are in your twenties? Whatever you do, stop "trying". My father always told me that love is like your shadow. The more you chase it, the more it goes away. You need to be "normal" again before you can think straight. It's not an easy thing to do but I really think you should stop focusing on this until you are less emotional about it. I can't tell you how it'll take but I can tell you it's going to take longer than you think. If she misses you and wants to come back, it'll be up to you to decide whether she's worth it or not. You need to realize though that she won't come back because you're a nice guy and because you're ready to do anything for her and will marry her and protect her until she dies and will fuel her dreams and be so damn perfect. She'll come back if her feelings for you are strong again so you'll have to back off. Think about what you may have done wrong. When you think you have it all figured out, do the exercise again. You'll realize you missed a bunch of things. Anyhow, you probably don't understand a word that I say because you are not in an emotional state of mind to do so. Do not "try" to get her back. Trying to get someone back only works with jerks who have mistreated and abused their needy girlfriends. You seem like a nice guy so you should back off (she already knows you are a nice guy, no point in reminding her), pretend you are ok with her decision and just focus on other areas of your life.
rs.dallaire Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 So the question is, when the time comes, do we try to start new? And what do I do in the meantime? After all that has happened, will it make us stronger as a couple or has it destroyed any chance we have in the future? Only time will tell... I know you are thinking about this over and over but only time will tell... Take it easy.
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