crazyaboutwho Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 I was miserable with my so called boyfriend so I dumped him. For the first month and a half things were so great when we were around each other. He even said so. But he started calling a little less and sometimes he would say we were going to get together on a certain day and we didn't because he was studying for a course or for whatever reason he would give. But he would let me know at the last minute. OK. Well, we talked about it. Some of his reasons were that he was cautious and didn't know if I was on the rebound from a previous relationship. He was fearful of a relationship, but with all that said he definitely wanted to be with me and definitely liked me. Talking about it made it seem like everything was going to be fine and he said things would get better. Well, I had to leave the country for 3 weeks for work. He had a way to call me without an international call charge, but did not call once. I called several times and got a hold of him twice and in between those times sent a text message asking whether he was able to call. He said he would call that night and didn't. When I called just before coming back to the states he said that he had been thinking about everything and wasn't sure about everything with us and the fact that he was so busy with work which requires him to work long hours and a class he was taking. And he likes to take things slow. Also didn't want to get attached then get hurt. We said we would talk when I got back. We talked on the phone when I got back and I told him I thought he would make more of an effort if he liked me a lot. He said he did and that I should have known that from how he was around me. He even said things were great when we interact with each other. Anyway he said he wanted to come over on Thursday (few days ago) and he didn't even call all week and certainly didn't come over or call to say he wasn't coming. So, I called a day later and left a message in a nutshell that obviously he doesn't think I'm right for him and that I would end it for him so he didn't have to be the "bad guy." I also sent him an email that was a little more coherent than the message I left him. So, I am really confused. I didn't want to let him go, but who wants to be with someone who doesn't make time for them and doesn't make an effort to even call them? I might as well be alone since I already felt alone. I just don't know how he could treat me like that and still say he liked me. Even when I'm busy I find time to call people that I want to talk to. He keeps such little contact that I couldn't even break up properly and had to do it by voicemail and email. Geez! I miss him. But I'm so frustrated. I really don't know what was going on with him. Maybe a commitmentphobe? He's 36. Never been married. Any insight anyone can provide?
Amy22 Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 That is one of the reasons I left my ex, because he could not show me I was an important part of his life. He would make promises to do things and not follow through. He also sent and is still sending mixed signals like that he loves me he is just confused. But you know what no one deserves that. I can't explain why they do it but regardless it isn't fair to you. I have chosen to move on. I broke up with him 2 weeks ago and we stayed in little contact and he again promised to call this weekend and to take care of the cable that is in his name and he hasn't done either. I think I hoped breaking up with him would make him change but we can't force people to change. Again I can't say why they do it but reality is they are and it is not fair to us. We deserve someone who thinks about us and our feelings. They are being selfish. Maybe they give the mixed signals because they want us to be here just in case. I can only say that you don't deserve that and as frustrating as it is not to have the answer you don't have to know what is going on with him to move on. You just have to know that what he is doing is not ok. He maybe a commitment phobe but that doesn't mean he has to lie and say he is going to meet you and call and then not do it. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Lee725 Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Hi, I too have come from a similar situation. Amy22 has made some really vaild points. We can not force people to change. It can hurt even more when the person you have to break it off with is generally a really great person and for all intent displays a lot of the personality traits you are looking for. Sometimes it is the little things that are missing that create the biggest problems. I had to break it off with a wonderul man because he seemed emotionally unavailable. Same thing too, to busy to come and see me and when he did he sometimes would not even stay. This is my story if you would like to have a look http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133862/ Most people need to feel that the love and affection they are giving out needs to be reciprocated in order to have a satisfying relationship. That can extend to phone calls "just to say hi" or txt messages to let you know they are thinking about you. I am still dealing with the emotions of breaking it off with him. I have felt like i made a huge mistake and that i did not give him enough time to express himself. In the end tho, if you know in your heart that you were not reciving the kind of attention in the relationship that you desire, then you have made the right call. It will get easier and eventually you do stop asking the self analytical questions.
Author crazyaboutwho Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Thank you both for answering. It sounds like you understand what I'm going through. You know, I'm no expert and I'm not trying to sound old, but you get to a certain point where you've had enough experiences to know that you have found someone who might very well be a match and someone you could see yourself spending a future with...if only that one thing wasn't present. He was special to me. If felt so alive around him. I am torn up about letting him go, but I was starting to feel so disrespected and alone. I feel like if he was telling the truth about liking me so much, but still behaving this way then he must have some serious commitment issues. I would have loved to work it through with him, but it made me feel so rejected and unimportant. I couldn't sacrifice my own self worth and let my heart be stepped on (even though he may not consciously have been doing it). I couldn't take it anymore. Ugh. I think I did the right thing since I need to look out for my own well being, but I can't help wishing it wasn't over and that he would have treated me better on his own.
Amy22 Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 I am still dealing with the emotions of breaking it off with him. I have felt like i made a huge mistake and that i did not give him enough time to express himself. In the end tho, if you know in your heart that you were not reciving the kind of attention in the relationship that you desire, then you have made the right call. It will get easier and eventually you do stop asking the self analytical questions. I am also second guessing myself and feel like I didn't give my ex enough time. I think it is normal because now we are hurting. But it would make things soooo much easier if you didn't feel like you made a mistake. I am sure one day we will feel like that.
Amy22 Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Thank you both for answering. It sounds like you understand what I'm going through. You know, I'm no expert and I'm not trying to sound old, but you get to a certain point where you've had enough experiences to know that you have found someone who might very well be a match and someone you could see yourself spending a future with...if only that one thing wasn't present. He was special to me. If felt so alive around him. I am torn up about letting him go, but I was starting to feel so disrespected and alone. I feel like if he was telling the truth about liking me so much, but still behaving this way then he must have some serious commitment issues. I would have loved to work it through with him, but it made me feel so rejected and unimportant. I couldn't sacrifice my own self worth and let my heart be stepped on (even though he may not consciously have been doing it). I couldn't take it anymore. Ugh. I think I did the right thing since I need to look out for my own well being, but I can't help wishing it wasn't over and that he would have treated me better on his own. I thought my ex was the one. I was suppose to move to be with him. I told my job I was leaving and put my condo up for sale. Knowing they had all these other really special things about them make it worse. I constantly think about all the good things. I did think I would marry him. But unfortunatly the bad is pretty bad. Not making us a priority is a huge problem. I think everything you are feeling is normal. It really sucks. Try to keep your head high and know you deserve better.
Author crazyaboutwho Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 I also was kind of thinking he might have been dating other people behind my back because who has no time to call or see someone even if they are busy. I have to admit a couple of days ago I apoligized by text message (I guess I was feeling guilty just in case he was a good guy) about the way I broke up with him--voicemail and email. And I said if he ever wanted to talk I'm open. If not --OK. He replied with: open, Ok. In time. So, I guess that might mean one day we'll talk but he's not up to it right now?
Author crazyaboutwho Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 So, after 3 weeks of me breaking up with the guy I got a text message that said happy thanksgiving after midnight (he never even called that late before). I sent one back the next day. I was ok now I feel sad and torn up like I miss him and want to tell him, but I feel like he needs to come to me. It's so hard. I like him a lot and with him contacting me it stirred up some feelings or something. Should I think anything about the text (coming from a guy who was inconsistent with calling etc the latter part of when we were together)? Should I take this as him just being friendly? Probably so?
ArtBreaker Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I bet I know why you heard from him after midnight crazyaboutwho!! He was waiting to see if you wrote him and you didn't and he didn't want to let the day go without saying it but wanted to hear from you first. He would never admit it, but I bet that's what he was doing....
Author crazyaboutwho Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 I guess that kinda makes sense... does that mean he made contact because maybe he misses me or something? or is it a friendly gesture? But if he expected to hear from me first maybe he thinks he still has me wrapped around his finger, ya think?
Racquel Colette Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I'm sorry and I know you don't want to hear this but he is just not that into you. Did you get that book? Get it and read it, it will help you out with the dating thing. When he didn't bother to call you when he said he wanted to get together on Thurs., you definitely should not have contacted him. You DEFINITELY shouldn't have called and emailed with the message that you did because that just shows how much it really bothered you and that you are desperate. He was not even worth the effort to contact after he stood you up and didn't even call. But...you live you learn. Chalk it up as experience for the next time you meet someone. But this guy is just not that into you, that is clear.
Author crazyaboutwho Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 That's what I was thinking already and kept confronting him with that and he denied it. I know that doesn't mean it's not true. I'm just saying. So, that's why I've been second guessing. I don't get it though...He didn't need to send the happy thanksgiving text. I mean, if he could give a sh__ about me then what's the point?
Racquel Colette Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 The "happy Thanksgiving" text just meant "I know I was a jerk, I like you as a person, but I am just not that into you and don't want a relationship with you" I say Happy Thanksgiving to my coworkers I barely know.
Author crazyaboutwho Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 When he didn't bother to call you when he said he wanted to get together on Thurs., you definitely should not have contacted him. You DEFINITELY shouldn't have called and emailed with the message that you did because that just shows how much it really bothered you and that you are desperate. He was not even worth the effort to contact after he stood you up and didn't even call. I was exclusive with him. I wasn't going to just not call or email to say something like, hey I'm letting you go. That's not my style. He may not have that kind of decency, but I do. If he was one of a few guys I was dating casually and we weren't exclusive, then yes. But that wasn't the case here.
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