Antd Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 I did start a thread a few weeks back about how my wife and I were having some problems in our marriage. A few weeks back we had the old 'I love you but I am not in love with you talk' and you all said that there must be someone else, well I did some digging around and you were right, but she said that they were just friends. I said to make the marriage work she needed to stop talking to him and concentrate on our marriage and even go to councilling whicvh she promised she would do. Well we had three sessions and I thought things were going great, we had started to communicate and were getting on ok. I did think however she still had the wall up and would not let me get close to her, she was also being very secretive with her mobile phone. So i did some snooping and guess what she is still talking to this guy. Yeah yeah, I know I should have listened to you all but I thought I knew better. Anyway, she goes out this morning and I decide to check up on her mobile phone records on-line and all the evidence is there. So I confront her with the evidence and she admits that she has been talking to him but nothing else has happened. So we have an argument and I ask her to leave, so she is now gone and staying with her mother. Am I upset? Yes, am I mad? Yes do I want her back? of course, however, she has lied and cheated and torn my heart in two. So now NC starts, I need time to lick my wounds and recover, it amazes me how people can be so heartless and selfish with peoples feelings. I think I handled the situation well, before she left I did the British thing and shook hands with her and wished her all happiness with her life and hoped she would find someone she could love in the future. I also wished her well when she gets together with her new 'friend' as I know she will get together with him, not now maybe, but sometime in the future. So the first day of my life starts today, luckily I am away for most of this week at a conference so I will have plenty to keep me occupied and I will be looking for a new apartment when I get back on Friday.
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 If she starts to realize that she's made a big mistake and wakes up, promises to go to counselling again with you, be an openbook, will you give her that chance? Or is it completely over, as in divorce? You need to decide which it is and stick to it. How did she react when you shook hands with her?
Author Antd Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Don't think that will happen to be honest with you, I think you know when you have lost someone, and to be honest I think she is gone for good. If she wanted to try again, then I would, however, it would have to be on my terms and she would not want that. So as I said earlier, it it time to pick myself up, get my self respect back and show I can live without her. We both said some really bad things to each other and there is not much left there to salvage, she does not love me, I do not trust her any more so everything is pretty much screwed up. If it was meant to be, then she will come back, if not, then I have learned a good lesson and this will make me stronger in the long run. 6 1/2 years is a long time to invest in a relationship and marriage, but if the other person does not love you there is not much you can do apart from work on yourself to make sure you do not get hurt again. Like I said I am away this week, so that will be 4 days of NC and I will just have to see how things are when I get back.
bestadvisor Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Since she is out of the house and "seperated" from you, while you're gone, there is a very good chance and she and him will hook up. If she said she doesn't love you anymore and continue this so called "friendship" with another man, what else can you do. There are numerous posts like this on this board and pretty much all of them end up in divorce. Sad, but true. I am not saying if she wants to return and tell you she lied that she doesn't love you anymore and willing to change and live based on your terms that you shouldn't take her back, what I'm saying is that chance of you two work things out is very slim when there is a third party involved and she said the "I'm not in love with you" speech.
Crestfallen_KH Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Wow, your situation sound exactly like mine. Got the "Love you but not IN love with you.." rigamarole, the minimizing about the OP, and the "working on the marriage, but secretly still keeping in touch with the OP." I hate to weigh in on the negative side, but yes, I am now filing for divorce. I moved out of the house, and he moved in with her. They have been together for over two months now. Like you, I, too, KNEW it was over. I could just tell. He had moved on emotionally and I have to let him go to live his own life, even though everyone thinks he's making a huge mistake. I tried "divorce busting" and ended up just prolonging my pain. Once the separation started, it was just an invitation for him to move on with her. Anyway, I wish you luck. The next few months are going to suck, but focus on yourself and your healing. That's all you can really do.
norajane Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I suggest you talk to a lawyer before you start looking for an apartment. You should get legal advice regarding your assets, because that will be an issue during the divorce. I don't know how the courts view it if you 'abandon' the house and your wife. Besides - she's the one cheating. Why should you have to move out of your house? She's the one who stepped out on you with another man, so she should keep stepping and be the one to move out.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Like I said I am away this week, so that will be 4 days of NC and I will just have to see how things are when I get back. When you do meet with her... remember to set your boundaries. You aren't a rug for people to wipe their feet on and you're NO EASY MEAT. If she wants you, she needs to work for it. People don't respect what's free.
woodsfield Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 When you do meet with her... remember to set your boundaries. You aren't a rug for people to wipe their feet on and you're NO EASY MEAT. If she wants you, she needs to work for it. People don't respect what's free. like she said....your W is the one who wanted out, so if she wants back in, time for her to WORK. i'm sorry for your wounds, but like you said...lick them, heel them and get back on your feet where you belong. she lied, possibly cheated (sexually); i think you have done the right thing...your actions MAY have ended it for good, which is for the best. good luck.
jjhays Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Going through the same thing. Been married 16 years with 3 kids and found out my wife was having an affair for about 4 months. She does not know I know but we have preety much seperated this past month since I truly cannot love her anymore and not be trampled on like this. Just my 2 cents but it is not worth it.
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